I’m turning into my partner?

[Omega1]

It’s so strange... .after 3 years I feel like I’ve become needy like my partner.  I get upset when she spends our alone time texting instead of talking to me, I cry when she sleeps with the kids and not with me and shows everyone else affection but her guard is up with me.  
I think this all comes from her demands of me for time and attention - so now I wonder why I don’t get it back?  

Ultimately we have so much conflict that I guess she is trying to avoid it.  But I hate feeling needy and dependent when I started in this relationship as strong and independent.  
Anyone else feel like this?

I guess I want something back for all I give to meet her needs and demands... .where is the balance?  Are these expectations reasonable?  How can she be so devastated that work is more important than her, yet when I take time to spend with her, she spend the whole hour on her phone?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zakade]

Welcome Omega1,

I can assure you that you are not turning into your partner.  Everyone has needs regardless of who you are.  To think that you don't need affection and attention is denying yourself.  The difference is empathy.  You have that and you can't take it away.  That's why you are not turning into your partner.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation?

Has your wife been diagnosed with BPD?

If not, what things make you think that she is?

Zakade.

[Omega1]

Thank you for your response.  It just seems so strange to have this partner who is so needy and demanding of all my attention and then all of a sudden pulling away and being cold... .

I've read walking on eggshells and also bait and switch - taken the quizzes and frankly these books read like a diary of my life with my partner the last few years.  She hasn't been diagnosed, to my knowledge, but has been in therapy most of her life.  We've recently started therapy together because there is so much constant conflict.  I don't want to label her directly to her face - it feels like that would set her off - everything that happens she blames me, so I can't imagine how it would feel to her to be labelled!  I live in fear of her anger and disappointment; multiple times a day she is upset with me... .often nothing has happened, but her anxiety over the anticipation of something gets her upset.

I feel resentment that she blames me for everything.  She has these expectations that I accept  any behaviour from her daughter because she is fearful that, if her daughter doesn't like something I say or do, it threatens our relationship.  She defends her when she is rude and disrespectful to me, and that creates real conflict between us.
I feel like a doormat, doing everything to meet her needs while she is cold and distant with me.  I feel blamed for everything and the expectations are so high.  I try everyday to meet them but somehow its still not enough.  I feel tired and overwhelmed and wonder how this is sustainable.

But I also feel hope - because we work hard at this everyday too.  We talk about things every day and try to change behaviour and my response to her anger.  She knows she has issues and she tells me if I can just be calm in the face of all the crap they hurl at me, they can respond better.
But wow, its so hard to be calm with all of this thrown at me... .

[once removed]

hi Omega1, id like to join Zakade and say

you can work with us to get to steady ground. it will take some work, and you wont resolve everything over night, but members here have seen real and lasting improvements in their relationships. i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here.

are the two of you married? do i have it right that youve been together for three years, or is it longer? when did the problems start to surface?

[Omega1]

Wow - thank you both!  I feel such a sense of relief and support being able to talk about this.  I do have so much hope because I feel my partner really does try and really does hear me about her extreme behaviours.
We have started therapy again - the last time it didn't continue because she felt the therapist was siding with me so she didn't want to go back.  I'm hoping we can make some progress now, or at least begin.

Yes, we've been together 3 years.  We aren't married but we live together and she has two children from her previous marriage, and we share custody.  The kids make it difficult too, because she blames me for any negative interactions with them as well, so everything seems to escalate.  Lately I feel we've been doing better to manage the level of intensity.  I've been staying calm and trying to let the mean nasty comments and blame bounce off me more.  It's very hard but I do think it helps.  The main thing I'm working on now is my response to her anger - I end up in tears constantly from making her angry, from disappointing her, from frustration over being blamed, from feeling like a doormat... .

But I love her, and I love those girls as if they were my own.  She is vibrant and fun and loves people and is so smart and intuitive and aware.  In spite of all of the crap, I love her.  I want to make this work because I also think I am here for a reason and I chose her for a reason and maybe I have some stuff to work out through all of this too... .

[once removed]

We have started therapy again - the last time it didn't continue because she felt the therapist was siding with me so she didn't want to go back.  I'm hoping we can make some progress now, or at least begin.

in couples therapy, its really important to do a lot of listening, and reflect back what you hear, resist the urge to defend yourself, to explain yourself or your partner to the therapist (you can state your perspective when the therapist asks for it, obviously, but try not to do so in a defensive or accusatory manner). your partner may do so... .let her. an experienced therapist can see that, and work with it.

I've been staying calm and trying to let the mean nasty comments and blame bounce off me more.  It's very hard but I do think it helps.  The main thing I'm working on now is my response to her anger - I end up in tears constantly from making her angry, from disappointing her, from frustration over being blamed, from feeling like a doormat... .

it will help. but you will need an outlet to work through the hurtful behavior. its not easy.

I have some stuff to work out through all of this too... .

we all do. and youd be amazed at the improvements we can see by cleaning up our side of the street. ideally, our partners follow our lead. there will likely always be difficulty as there is in every marriage, but you will be far better equipped, and things will be far more manageable.

what would you say is the most recent, primary conflict between the two of you? is it your response to her anger?

[believer55]

Hi Omega

Some of the behaviours you are describing are all to familiar to people like us. The blended family situation really strikes a chord with me. I have 2 of my own and BPDh has 2 - but his are treated with special benefits (especially his youngest who is now nearly 15). Over 8 years I have not been able to offer advice or guidance to his kids as he is worried I am treating them bad and favouring my own (which has lead to my 2 missing out sometimes). The insecurity he feels inside has flowed over onto the children and in the end I have pulled away from his sons emotionally.

It is a regular occurrence in our household that I can walk in the door and in 5 minutes he will be upset with me for a look, or I wasn't happy enough to see him, or I just seem different. These are all parts of him and his BPD. I am working to try to understand, to set boundaries and to look after myself and my children. It is not easy - but at this stage I love my H and want to be with him so I keep learning and trying.

Best of luck to you and keep us informed xx

[Purplex]

Welcome to the community! I’m a new member as well but maybe I can still offer some support.

I can relate a lot to you feeling needy and independent and I understand that its incredibly hard to get our own needs met and not lose ourselves in a relationship that seems so one sided. I think our loved ones are often so preoccupied with their own emotional turmoil, that they have a difficult time to change perspective and see things from our side. Their wants and needs can be so overwhelming and present, that it seems like there is no room left for our own. Therefore, it’s even more important to find a way to also be heard. I think good communication can go a long way towards that and there are a lot of helpful tools offered on this site. Maybe check out the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique if you haven’t yet?
It’s great that she is able to acknowledge her issues and is willing to work on it with you. Stay strong, you are not alone!

[Omega1]

Wow there's so much good stuff in all of your replies - feels so good to hear and feel I'm not alone.  Reading those books was such a revelation in starting to understand my partner. 
I have come to understand that I can't change her - so I can change me and go to therapy with her and as long as I see her doing the work I am in - 100%.

-----
Thank you, I heard what you said about therapy and also about having an outlet for myself.  I'm considering also going to therapy on my own.  For the first time, she is finally okay with me doing that.  Up until now, she always saw it as a threat to the relationship; she was worried a therapist would tell me to leave.  I think she now understands that I need support in all of this and also understands my deep commitment to make this work.

As far as the latest issue - I thought things were okay... .no significant conflict.  The biggest issue I've been dealing with now is her coldness, her distance.  She needs me to give love and attention and affection, but she is withholding... .

The issues come out of the blue and I feel blind-sided.  She texted me just now and said that, when I come home, no matter what "T" (her eldest daughter) says or does, that I need to not get upset or any negative interactions with her.  No matter what she says or does to me, I am to smile and be happy and positive.  She has this huge anxiety, and her daughter gets upset and anxious as well.  I'm trying to set boundaries, and even the therapist agreed that a basic level of respect from children to adults is expected - but my partner wants me to accept any behaviour with a smile!
So, I stayed calm.  I texted back and said I'd come home after 10:30, after T was in bed, to avoid any issues. 
How can I agree to just accept any behaviour no matter what?  So I set a boundary, which I think I'm supposed to do, and just kept myself out of the situation.

Unfortunately, it leaves me feeling a bit isolated, coming home when they're already in bed, going to sleep alone, because my partner has to put "T" to bed and often falls asleep with her... .

[once removed]

I'm considering also going to therapy on my own.

any update on this front?

I think she now understands that I need support in all of this and also understands my deep commitment to make this work.

thats a plus. it suggests there is some trust between you.

The issues come out of the blue and I feel blind-sided.  She texted me just now and said that, when I come home, no matter what "T" (her eldest daughter) says or does, that I need to not get upset or any negative interactions with her.  No matter what she says or does to me, I am to smile and be happy and positive.  She has this huge anxiety, and her daughter gets upset and anxious as well.

whats the backstory here? is her daughter highly sensitive? is your relationship with her problematic, and if so, for how long?

[Omega1]

Thank you for the further replies... .
I haven't started my own therapy right now, planning for January.  The more I read and understand, the more I can be calmer and less angry at her anger and less resentful of her needs.  We've had a few things happen, the last one where she got upset and got out of the car (she was driving) - and I stayed so calm and I didn't cry.  We texted back and forth, I acknowledged and empathized, and then I drove to pick her up.  She was still angry and upset but we moved on. It was a win, in my books.  I realize I get angry and resentful - thinking, what did I do that was so bad that made her jump out of the car?  I'm reading more and realizing I didn't do anything to make her do that, and I also can't be angry she did that, it's not about me.  Knowing that, I was able to stay calm and it de-escalated.  Not a common occurrence.

With her daughter - there is a ton of history.  She is highly sensitive and has some anxiety - she split with the other mom 5 years ago and there was a partner in between.  I think there has been a lot of change and challenge and she has tested me constantly, with rudeness and disrespect.  But we also have an amazing bond and I know she loves me as I love her.  I have struggled with managing her disrespect, even knowing that it's all a test... .

[once removed]

what happened? what led her to get out of the car?

how old is her daughter?