Thanks to all for your responses and the welcome. It really feels good to know I am not alone. I spend a lot of time on the computer but have managed to avoid forums most of my life so its going to take me some time to figure out how everything works. I'm not sure how to reply to specific messages but ill give it a shot.
do you have a plan in terms of separating, like where you would go?
Yes, my parents live 5 minutes away and I visited them yesterday and told them what was going in. I could not believe it, but my mother had randomly bought the book "walking on eggshells" because of some other situation in her life, and apparently she told my father that she suspected that may be going through some form of emotional abuse and or that my wife may have some sort of PD. They will be a supportive as they can and they have a spare room if i need to stay for an extended time. As far as a plan, I think I would try to tactfully explain that I feel we are not able to have any effective communication without my boundaries being violated, and that I really need some alone time to assess how I feel about my boundaries and how i can be fair to her. I can see 10 ways that i will be critisized for saying that. When things are "OK" I am at least shown some love, but as soon as something feels bad to her, I everything good I good i have ever done is non-existnat... .we are on one of those times now, so everything that comes out of my mouth leads do me being the devil for enforcing my boundaries.
I understand you feel violated, but I doubt she did anything intentionally. I understand your need to be alone for a while. I would explain her that I am taking me time to rest and need to be alone. I would tell my phone would be off. If she needs reassurance, I would agree to send text in the evening wishing good night, or I would be strict saying phone will be of all the time you are away. I would tell her in advance what to expect. But that's just my opinion. D.W.
That makes sense - I think I may give that a try. I may also let her know where I will be at roughly so she feels less suspicious, but i may still keep my phone off.
Anyway, from what I understand about pwBPD, abandonment is a BIG issue so it may be something that doesn't go over well at all. Some kind of limited communication with rules and boundaries in place may help with that but it would all need to be laid out for her. Again, I don't know your wife, but my guess is it may not be well received at first. I definitely understand your need for some rest and space, though. I feel the same way. Just can't quite figure out how to make it happen - Ozzie
I get what you are saying... .no win situations are a weekly if not daily scenario. I hope you are able to somehow find a balance. In my experience, when my wife thinks someone is a Villan, there is absolutely nothing short of the person coming over and admitting all the wrongs, perceived or real, that they have done that will change her mind, and she cant see the good in people. Some famous person once said, "You can look for the good in people, and you can look for the bad in people, and you will find what you are looking for." I think pwBPD can really do both at times, but seeing both good and bad and accepting both is really hard for them.
I again appreciate everyone's responses and I will definitely check back on this post and read others.
