Do you second guess every gift you buy for your BPD parent?

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

My BPD mother has been in a nursing home for the past 3 years.  I know that her daily life is pretty monotonous now, so I wanted to give her something meaningful that would brighten her day for Christmas.  I found a lot of old photos of the family through the years to make a photo book.  As I was putting it together, I was questioning my choices for the cover and which photos I picked.  I could already imagine what she was going to be critical about.  First she will accuse me of "stealing her pictures."  Then she will criticize me for choosing certain pictures:  "Why did you put a picture of her in the album?  You know I can't stand her."  etc. etc.   I almost decided not to send the photo book to her, but then asked myself, if she didn't have BPD what would I do?  I decided to send her the photo album, because it was the right thing to do, and ignore the fall out.  I have had years of criticism for gifts I've given her in the past.  "Why did you pick 'that' color, fabric, style... ."  

We live in different states and one year when I visited her she told me that she had a box for me.  She brought out this huge box, and I wondered what could possibly be inside.  It turned out to be every Christmas gift I had given her for the past 15 years.   Many of them were unopened.  I told her that I would not take the box, and that if she didn't like my gifts she could donate them to the Goodwill.  I know at this point you are probably wondering why I even bothered giving her a gift at all.  All I can say is that I feel sad for her, and for the depressing surroundings she now deals with on a day to day basis.  I wanted to do something that might bring her a little happiness.

Does anyone else second guess the gifts you give to your BPD parent?  

[zachira]

I don't second guess the gifts I buy for my mother with BPD. What I used to do was try to predict her behaviors so I could protect myself, and I have learned I will never know when the dagger is coming out. I am so sorry your mother does everything she can to hurt you. My guess is she is jealous of you, and very much resents your becoming a separate individual from her. She seems to use the gifts you give her as another weapon to hurt you. Do you like sending her a gift because it makes you feel better? I often feel guilty about not doing things for my BPD mom. I now try to do things for people who are old and appreciate my help, as this helps alleviate some of my guilt, and also I like making others happy, especially when my help is appreciated.

[Notwendy]

I don't second guess them. She also tend to find something wrong with gifts or things I might do for her. Flowers? they were wilted, breakfast in bed? we made a mess in the kitchen.

I have to find my own center when sending a gift. Why do I do it? because for me, it feels like the right thing to do to recognize her birthday and holidays. I think she'd feel hurt if her kids didn't do anything.

Most elderly people don't need much in the way of material things but a person in a nursing home probably has an endless need of things like socks ( they get lost in the wash ), things to keep warm and are easy for staff to dress her in, like a washable sweater, throws, bed jacket, or something special she likes to eat or flowers.

I choose something that fits my budget. Once it is hers, I don't invest too much emotion in if she likes it or not. I choose something I think is nice and that she might like but after that, it isn't anything I can control. Like you, I imagine her being critical of it, but I can't get emotionally upset by that.

My mother hasn't done anything like yours did, and I think it is pretty hurtful to have someone do that with your gifts. After that I don't think I would send anything but I don't know if that would make things worse. One idea is a donation to her favorite charity in her honor. She gets the message that you thought of her, and the money spent on an unwanted gift is put to good use.  

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Like you, I have always tried to predict my mom's behaviors.  I got pretty good at anticipating what would set her off, but sometimes I'm still blindsided.

As a child I always felt responsible for my mom's happiness.  When I was 9 years old, and my mom went to the hospital to give birth to my baby brother, I spent hours cleaning the house so that it would be nice for her when she came home.  Instead of appreciating my efforts, she raged at me for trying to prove that I was a better housekeeper than her.  We didn't have much money when I was growing up, and lived in apartments.  My mom would always cry and say that she wanted a house of her own.  As a child, I vowed that I would one day buy a house for her, so that maybe she could finally be happy.  At about the age of 40 I decided that my mom would never be happy, whether she had a house or not.  So, I stopped worrying about making her happy.  As I said in my earlier post, I just feel that her days must be extremely tedious.  I thought it might be nice for her to have photos that might give her some comfort.  

I think we all have baggage from growing up in a BPD home.  Mine is having a excessive need to help other people, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I don't really think I do it for approval.  It just makes me feel good.    

[Notwendy]

It's  sad that we felt so responsible for our mothers' happiness when we were just kids. That was quite a burden for a child, it would even be an unreasonable expectation for an adult.

I was my mother's scapegoat "black child" so I think I was deemed bad from the get go. I didn't just not make her happy, I thought I was the reason she wasn't happy. As a teen she told me I was the cause of the marital issues between my parents. I truly believed that they were happy once I left for college.

Even before that, she had stories about how I was somehow irritating her on purpose. If I had a stomach ache as a kid, I threw up on purpose. If I napped as a baby, I was ignoring her. I was selfish because I wouldn't share my cookie with my brother when I was a small kid. Normal child behavior was interpreted as somehow doing something to her on purpose.

I guess the brighter side of this is that I didn't have to try to please her, but it was still sad that she wasn't happy and didn't seem to be OK ( but didn't know why ) I asked my father if I was the reason for my mother's issues and he said no, but I didn't know the reason, and I wish I did. I also think I was a convenient scapegoat - if mother was unhappy, I was told to behave better.

I was basically a good kid. I did some typical kid things- argue with sibling, have a messy room, miss curfew as a teen- but no bad stuff, made good grades, went to college, did well in school but somehow that didn't seem to affect the dynamics between me and my BPD mother. Any mistake or upsetting her was treated like an unforgivable crime.

I like to help other people too, but realized I was excessively co-dependent, people pleasing and approval seeking,  and had to work on that.