Sudden shifts...as an avoidance tactic

[PianoDood]

I think I just witnessed the most overt shift between Dr. Jekyll and Miss H (my uBPDwife's name) that I have ever seen from my wife. And before I go into it, I want to say that I have learned something from it. I did literally nothing to trigger her except to question why she hadn't done something she said she would do.  Stay with me here. Yesterday afternoon when she got off work, my wife texted me and told me she would call me and talk to me last night since, temporarily, she's living at her parents house instead of with me at our house. Part of the last discard... .anyway... .So she tells me she's going to call me last night but she doesn't call, no text nothing all night. No communication whatsoever from her. Typically, this kind of behavior... .Saying you're going to do something and then not doing it... .would irritate me. But I let it slide until my wife texted me this morning on her way to work and I asked her why she hadn't called. Immediately I was painted black. She didn't want to talk about why she hadn't called, so immediately I became the target... .first, it was my fault that I didn't call her last night even though she had specifically said she would call me after dinner.  I waiting for her. The second thing she tried was to accuse me of getting off the phone early with her on Tuesday because I had something better to do when in fact, I got off the phone with her early Tuesday so she could search for her insurance information to make appointments that she's needed to make for years to take care of herself. The third thing she tried was telling me that I was hiding something from her and mentioned the fact that I keep two unused bedroom doors closed at our house all the time. Basically, accused me of hiding something in those rooms that I didn't want her to see. When in fact, I have told her this is your house so go anywhere you want, I keep those bedrooms closed because the registers are turned off because I don't see the need to heat rooms that I'm not using for anything but storage so I keep the doors closed. Basically, she was avoiding talking about why she hadn't called the night before.  Then, no communication from her until after she gets off work when she calls me and is just as bright and happy and chipper as I've ever heard her. No mention of keeping secrets in the bedrooms, no mention of having something better to do on the side when I got off the phone from her, no mention of me being at fault for the lack of communication from her. Just bright, cheery, I'll call you later and I love you, honey. Ummmmmm.  Wt... .?  And I had done nothing in between to trigger her except ask her why she hadn't called me the night before when she told me she would. The first thing I learned from this, which I already knew, is how volatile my wife can be when she is dealing with her own emotions. Didn't want to deal with her emotions over not calling or admit there was anything even slightly wrong with it... .so the decision and avoidance immediately kicked in.  The second thing it taught me is, yet again something I already knew, that my wife will make up her own reality to fit whatever it is she's trying to avoid. I had just seen her and talked to her a few days before and she never mentioned any  concern over me keeping the bedroom door shut. But, as soon as I question her on anything, she pulls it out like a derringer hidden in her shirt  sleeve just so she can accuse me of something to put me on the defensive.  The third thing I learned is that if I remain calm, don't react like I usually do to her sudden shifts, let it run its course, she usually will come back to the land of reality. She won't own anything or validate me at all.   Not going to happen.   Her illness says she's swept it under the rug... .don't have to deal with it.  It's just strange to sit here and literally watch an illness in action.  Has anyone else witnessed anything this overt when you had done nothing or little to trigger it?  Wow.

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[Bnonymous]

Hi PianoDood,

I would guess that your wife initially got confused over who was supposed to be phoning whom.

first, it was my fault that I didn't call her last night even though she had specifically said she would call me after dinner.  I waiting for her.

If she thought you were supposed to be calling her and then you didn't, that probably triggered her fears of abandonment and she probably spent the evening ruminating on why you didn't want to talk to her. When the two of you spoke and you asked why she didn't call, she was probably quite embarrassed remembering the things she'd been thinking and feeling last night when she was waiting for you to call.

Once she realised it was a simple misunderstanding, her immediate reaction was to deflect from her feelings of embarrassment, plus the feelings from last night probably didn't disappear in the instant that she realised she'd been mistaken - it probably took a while for her to take reassurance from the recognition that it had been a simple misunderstanding.

By the time she got off work and called back, she'd had time to process what had happened and get her emotions regulated. At this point, she was probably able to feel relief (instead of embarrassment) over the fact that the lack of a phone call last night had just been a simple misunderstanding and hadn't meant you were rejecting or abandoning her after all. Which is probably why she switched to an upbeat and cheerful mood, because a weight fell off her shoulders once she got her head round what had happened.

That's my guess. What do you think?

[Yellowpearl]

I agree with Bnonymous in what could be going on. She acts like nothing happened and doesn’t validate possibly because she overthought and ruminated over some time about the call or who was supposed to call and about how things are going between you two in those kinda situations. That by the time she comes to a resolution in her mind, she avoids talking to you about it. Classic avoidance out of fear of rejection/abandonment.

It can be triggered on its own to answer your question. What can help things get back on track a lot smoother is not reacting when a pwBPD behaves in such a way.

Sounds like she comes back to the reality of things when you don’t react but not owning up to things on her end I can understand how bothersome that can be. Have you looked at any of the communication tools on this board? Such as SET and asking validating questions. By doing so, it may help resolve some of this conflict without walking on eggshells or feeling invalidated yourself.

[Yellowpearl]

 doubled posted