Mom has BPD I am just now realizing that is what it is- I am 50yrs old

[Kathy Smith]

I have made the discovery, that what has been wrong with my mom is BPD.
I am now reading all kinds of information on it, and feel like I've hit the jackpot.
I would never tell her what I've found, because she could not handle it, and I would pay the price.
Probably the main thing I am dealing with now, is she not my friend- she likes to punish in a passive-aggressive way.  I have been so good to her, but now, I am the 'bad guy' and my brother is not.  He has done so many things against her, but she seems to be able to overlook it.    I believe that I will receive no inheritance- she insinuates that.  My dad seems to go along with her- probably for self-survival.  In the process, I end up with NO parents at all.  I somehow did end up with a wonderful husband, and have had a great marriage, which has helped me survive.  Now, I am feeling anger because I now know that I didn't deserve this treatment.  It's an irony, I care and love her and feel sorry for her, but I also hate her.

[Notwendy]

Hi Kathy, I am sorry you are in this situation. It is very similar to mine. I am also the black child to my parents and another sibling is the golden child. My father went along with my mother to keep the peace. He is deceased and I loved him very much, but basically my mother's comfort was his priority.

One of the most hurtful things to me was that she didn't let me have some of his personal belongings that were sentimental to me after he died.  She wrote me out of the will and then later, wrote me back in. I actually have no idea what the status of her will is now.

I did not expect material inheritances but I did want some of my Dad's things for sentimental reasons. She later gave me some of them but still has some left. I really had to let go of the idea of having anything from her. When my father was alive, she would not allow him to buy me or give me things without her permission.

Really, the best thing I could do is to let go of any expectations and also understand that her actions ( and my father's actions ) had little to do with me and mostly were about her and her disorder. I also feel blessed to have family and friends who do love me. I focus on them. Now that my father is gone, my mother has the money and arrangements he made for her to live on. This allows her to hire helpers in her old age. It is a great source of comfort to me that she is taken care of. I would not be able to do it- emotionally and if she has help, I don't have to worry about that. While I didn't get material things from Dad, I think this is a great gift to us kids.

[zachira]

"I somehow did end up with a wonderful husband, and have had a great marriage, which has helped me survive.  Now, I am feeling anger because I now know that I didn't deserve this treatment.  It's an irony, I care and love her and feel sorry for her, but I also hate her."

It is so painful to discover that you have a mother with BPD, and to realize you will never know what she will do next to hurt you. Part of the reason she may be scapegoating you, is you are her daughter and mothers with BPD are often especially jealous of their daughters, especially one that has a "great marriage", or has other things she will never have.
I have a mother with BPD, and also have feelings of love and hate towards her. We only have one mother, and the loss of never really having a mother that put us first in her heart is so painful, and will be a loss that we always will grieve in some way.
What are you currently doing for self care so that your mother's past and current hurtful behaviors will be less overwhelming and easier to deal with?
Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help.