Is it worth it?

[Ozzie101]

I realize that the answer to this question is very subjective, very specific to each individual person. Yet I just feel like I need to vent.

Sometimes things with my uBPDh are fine. Last night he was in a good mood -- teasing, playful, pleasant. Two nights before, he'd gone on one of his epic, hours-long rants about every grievance he could think of. So, basically, I never really know what to expect.

At first, when the real dysregulations started about 6 months ago (there were signs before that, but few and far between), I believed I had done something wrong. I was failing as a wife because my husband was unhappy. I was screwing up left and right. Now, I know that, while I play a hand in things, it's not all me.

He's emotionally and verbally abusive -- possibly financially too.
1) Tells me it's all my fault.
2) Accuses me of marrying him for his money.
3) Tries to encourage me to cuss at and otherwise verbally lash out at my parents, sisters, boss, church choir director, financial advisor, you name it.
4) Has told me to make lists of all the ways I've failed him.
5) Has threatened to quit his job so that I'd have to support us (which I can't do on my salary), saying smugly "Not my problem. That's your problem."
6) Wants to get my car put in my name (his is on it since he makes more and we could get a better deal) and get the house in both our names (he bought it before we were married) so he won't be solely responsible for them, should we split.
7) Tells me I never stand up for him, ignoring the times I have. Tells me things like my going to my uncle's funeral was me siding with my family over him.
8) Blasts me for letting him know about my 6-year-old niece's seizure because "I don't care about your sisters' kids. Do they care about me or my son? No. So what if she had a seizure?"
9) Has blocked me from leaving the room during a dysregulation.
10) Has broken things in our home.
11) Accuses me of being a bad stepmother.
12) Expects me to read his mind.
13) Accuses me of thinking only of myself.
14) Reads into my expressions things that aren't really there.
15) Brings up every mistake (real or imagined) even months later, to castigate me for them.

And yet at other times, he's the man I fell in love with.

I'm just at a point where I'm trying to decide if it's worth it to work through everything. The domestic violence counsellor I've started seeing says it's my decision. Only I can choose what to do and what I want to do. My parents say the same thing -- and that they'll help and support me whatever I choose.

I find myself fantasizing about my old single life. Yes, I had a lot less money. Yes, I was alone. But I had so much freedom. No one berated me for hours on end. I didn't have to second-, third- or quadruple-guess every decision to try to avoid setting anyone off. I could go see family or talk to them without fear of someone chewing me out for three hours.

Yet I love him. I made a vow -- in sickness and in health. He's sick. Am I not supposed to do everything in my power to help him? Or is it OK to put myself first? In a way, it feels selfish and "selfish" is a big no-no for me. I like to help people. To take care of people. But I'm not really helping him, other than giving him a handy whipping boy/girl.

I'm just tired of feeling confused, frustrated and exhausted. When he's Jekyll, I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving. He can be very thoughtful and fun and loving. It's the life I always wanted for the most part. But the Hyde times just seem to happen more and more often.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stolencrumbs]

I ask myself that question a lot. I definitely get your exhaustion. It is exhausting.

I think you sum up the FOG many of us feel in your last few paragraphs--fear of how the pwBPD will react, a sense of marital obligation, and guilt and feelings of selfishness for doing things for yourself.

There's a lot out there on FOG and how to deal with it, and many here who are much wiser than I am about that. I just wanted to say I completely get where you're coming from.

One thing that has helped me with guilt is to reframe things a bit. Most of what I want to do is not just about me. I want to see my family and friends more. I want to be more involved at work. I want to do more in the community. These aren't selfish things, and from your description of yourself, I'm guessing a lot of what you want to do involves doing things with and for other people. That's not selfish. If anything, it's selfish to focus all your time and energy on one person instead of spreading the love around.

On obligations, that one hits me hard, too. I try to remind myself that marriage is a contract. Yes, I promised to love and cherish my wife in sickness and in health. But she promised to love and cherish me, too. A contract is only good if both sides uphold the agreement.

I'm very much a jumbled mess and a work-in-progress, but the thoughts above sometimes help break through the FOG and maybe help me see things a little more clearly. I don't think it's worth it if you live your life enveloped by FOG. The question for me is whether there is a life together that is worth it if I can manage to get out of the FOG, and if it's possible for me to do that.

[Cat Familiar]

My P had some interesting things to say about people who have Cluster B partners. "The beginning of the relationship is the best part. Everything after that is unlikely to be as good. Can you live with that?"