Can’t let go know it’s best but my heart won’t cooperate

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi. My ex BPD boyfriend broke things off 8 mos ago because I set a boundary. I can’t let him go. I secretly wish he would call me or text me. It was push pull from the start. That’s been the pattern and that is truly why I think I can’t accept it’s over. Is it really over? It appears not for me. I keep texting about once every other week. Call him once a month. I look for his truck while I drive - it’s ridiculous. It’s like an obsession. I have never experienced anything like this before. I felt like we had a special connection and he even said so. We prayed together, laughed together, shared our most intimate thoughts together, were trying to work towards living together but I could not trust that he wouldn’t physically abandon me. The deal breaker for me was when we went on vacation together and had a misunderstanding and he asked me to find my own ride home - very hurtful and scary for me. Emotional manipulation on his part. This was the start of my research about BPD. I knew there was something wrong all along but could not figure it out. I’ve read 2 books, read almost every article on this website, watched countless you tube videos about BPD but here I am stuck and cannot let go of this darn relationship! I know it’s bad for me and I deserve better. I don’t want to be lonely. I had an incredibly lonely 24 yr marriage to a man who was detached from the relationship which really made me even more vulnerable to this BPD relationship I am trying to get out of but obviously I’m struggling because I keep texting this man who cannot be there for me. I have never had this happen to me in all my life. It’s almost like an addiction. I’m powerless over my behavior at times. My rrandom texts I’m sure aren’t normal. Especially when he does not answer most of them. I almost think it’s more emotional manipulation on his part. There was no discussion about how to end the relationship between us. He got to decide for us. I was not ready to let go. I think because we had no closure and the push pull thing set me up for this struggle. It’s like I can’t accept it’s over because so many times it wasn’t over when he said it was. And part of me doesn’t want it to be over because of all the REALLY great times we had together. I want to let go but yet I don’t. Frustrating. I know me and I know once I make up my mind it’s done but I’m not there and can’t seem to get there. I’m thinking of seeing a counselor but I want to find someone who specializes in BPD.  My mother I think had it too as well as my sister who had a huge part in raising me, so I think no I know that’s why this feels normal to me. I can not let go! It’s incredibly painful. I was doing better until I ran into him last Monday and he asked me to go for a walk with him. We talked  for 45 min and now I’m back 3 steps. I had started to get better. This connection is almost like an addiction. I wonder if my brain has been altered and is not functioning correctly because of this relationship. I have read about that happening. So it’s like I need a support system every day until I get over this. Ugh! I vacillate between blocking him and unblocking him thinking what if he needs me? I’ll be strong enough. But I know I need to put myself first. When I’m really ready to. Yup this is an addiction.

[Tsultan]

Hi. My ex BPD boyfriend broke things off 8 mos ago because I set a boundary. I can’t let him go. I secretly wish he would call me or text me. It was push pull from the start. That’s been the pattern and that is truly why I think I can’t accept it’s over. Is it really over? It appears not for me. I keep texting about once every other week. Call him once a month. I look for his truck while I drive - it’s ridiculous. It’s like an obsession. I have never experienced anything like this before. I felt like we had a special connection and he even said so. We prayed together, laughed together, shared our most intimate thoughts together, were trying to work towards living together but I could not trust that he wouldn’t physically abandon me. The deal breaker for me was when we went on vacation together and had a misunderstanding and he asked me to find my own ride home - very hurtful and scary for me. Emotional manipulation on his part. This was the start of my research about BPD. I knew there was something wrong all along but could not figure it out. I’ve read 2 books, read almost every article on this website, watched countless you tube videos about BPD but here I am stuck and cannot let go of this darn relationship! I know it’s bad for me and I deserve better. I don’t want to be lonely. I had an incredibly lonely 24 yr marriage to a man who was detached from the relationship which really made me even more vulnerable to this BPD relationship I am trying to get out of but obviously I’m struggling because I keep texting this man who cannot be there for me. I have never had this happen to me in all my life. It’s almost like an addiction. I’m powerless over my behavior at times. My rrandom texts I’m sure aren’t normal. Especially when he does not answer most of them. I almost think it’s more emotional manipulation on his part. There was no discussion about how to end the relationship between us. He got to decide for us. I was not ready to let go. I think because we had no closure and the push pull thing set me up for this struggle. It’s like I can’t accept it’s over because so many times it wasn’t over when he said it was. And part of me doesn’t want it to be over because of all the REALLY great times we had together. I want to let go but yet I don’t. Frustrating. I know me and I know once I make up my mind it’s done but I’m not there and can’t seem to get there. I’m thinking of seeing a counselor but I want to find someone who specializes in BPD.  My mother I think had it too as well as my sister who had a huge part in raising me, so I think no I know that’s why this feels normal to me. I can not let go! It’s incredibly painful. I was doing better until I ran into him last Monday and he asked me to go for a walk with him. We talked  for 45 min and now I’m back 3 steps. I had started to get better. This connection is almost like an addiction. I wonder if my brain has been altered and is not functioning correctly because of this relationship. I have read about that happening. So it’s like I need a support system every day until I get over this. Ugh! I vacillate between blocking him and unblocking him thinking what if he needs me? I’ll be strong enough. But I know I need to put myself first. When I’m really ready to. Yup this is an addiction.

[Beneck]

Hey Tsultan.

I'm glad you've reached out. Very much like you, I'm hurting over a relationship that has ended. I've found a lot of support here, and I'm sure so will you.

Being in love with someone very much akin to addiction, and detaching is very much like trying to break an addiction off. It's extremely difficult. All that you've mentioned, from wanting 2 conflicting things (wanting him and yet not wanting him, hoping to see him around etc) are very much normal.

You may have heard about the 5 stages of grief. The thing is, these stages are not linear. You will alternate between accepting what has happened, hurting over it, being angry, sad etc... .it cycles perpetually.

But it does it get better.

I don't have a lot to say, other than:

1) DON'T JUDGE YOUR EMOTIONS. Wanting him is not wrong! However, wanting him and accepting/getting him are 2 entirely things. Be honest with your yourself. Accept your emotions, listen to yourself. Because accepting your emotions does not necessarily entail you'll act in accordance to them ;)

2) Very much like point 1... .don't run away from your emotions. Be brave, face them head on. This is a very emotionally difficult and demanding situation for you. Yourself needs you! Don't push the emotions back, don't fight them, because if you do they'll only get back stronger. Be brave and try to be aware and in touch with your pain.

3) Don't beat yourself up over taking steps back... .be patient and kind with yourself  it takes time to detach from someone you love. If you "fail" (like texting or anything) forgive yourself and try again.

4) None of what you're feeling is abnormal. When we are in a demanding relationship, it's likely that we'll be forced to adopt suboptimal behaviors, which may persist after the relationship. This happened to me as well. Your brain hasn't changed or anything :p but you do need (at some point) to look inwards to see what you can change about YOU.

You're not alone! Stay strong 

[Tsultan]

Beneck, thank you.  I was on a linear upwards trend and starting to feel better about the situation. Then I ran into him. The good thing I learned is that I really need to go no contact now. I blocked his number. His Dad is dying and I thought well what if he needs support? He will have to get it elsewhere.

The things I can change about me is to stop looking for his stupid blue truck, and to honestly stop secretly wishing I will see him on the trail we used to walk together. I was even listening to music that would make me feel connected to him in some way. Yeah I have it bad. The grieving thing that is. I agree that the answer to the pain is in the pain. I am grieving this relationship harder than my 24 year marriage relationship.

I think he felt comfortable to be around because he was much like my BPD sister. They are vulnerable and they make you feel like you can let your guard down and just be yourself with them. I like that. There aren’t too many people I can do that with so that’s why I really miss the connection. However, it wasn’t sustainable.

I read posts here and other sites too which helps to remind me why it’s best to detach. It’s going to be a long process and it will take as long as it’s takes. I can say one thing after posting I feel better already.  I’ll be okay. I am resourceful and a fighter. I can say another thing. There have been many good things that have come out of this experience. I have learned a lot about myself. I have dug deep deep down to look at what childhood wounds I have which have resulted in a lot of shameful feelings that I have been carrying around. I am trying my best to reopen those wounds to “air” them out by feeling the sadness underneath them and embracing the little girl who hurt because of them.
It’s helping me to feel better about myself. I feel my self esteem improving each time I face those memories and put them in the light of reality.

I think  maybe my mom had BPD too. She was an attention seeker, highly emotional, narcissistic type. I spent way too much of my childhood trying to make her happy. I didn’t realize it wasn’t my job until I went into a recovery group for people who’s lives have been affected by alcoholism. She drank alcoholicly too. My Dad was an alcoholic too. He was a good man but struggled with alcoholism. He died an active alcoholic. So I have had my share of pain. We all have. I’m no different.

I will continue to feel my feelings, honor them and let them go. If they come up again I will do the same thing and do it over and over until I don’t have to do it anymore. I played with fire staying in this relationship for as long as I did and now I’m paying the price and now doing damage control. Next time I’ll know. I’m going to be gentle with myself as best as I know how. I won’t stay feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to take care of myself and plan some fun things to do, eat well and rest.

[Red5]

Me2... .I was also previously married... .for 21 years and I dated one woman inbetween the divorce and meeting this one, .

I too seem to attract or else am attracted to BPD... .I seem to specialize in “damsels in distress”.

I married mine... .about four years we dated, and we’ve been married for almost eight years... .she moved out Sunday was a week ago... .long story.

I certainly know what you mean about trying to let them go.

I’ve been at it now since the middle of November... .this “letting go”.

You should count yourself lucky that you didn’t marry him,

I should have know better than remarrying myself!

So the boundary he crossed was physical abandonment, ie he left you high and dry on a trip?

I got to the point that I would almost refuse to travel with my uBPDw due to every single time we did she would dysregulate and either rage or go ST on me, ugh ; (

So what did you two talk about on your walk last Monday ?

Kind regards... .Red5

[Red5]

Hello Tsultan!

So how long was this relationship ?

And was he your first after your divorce ?

Best regards,

Red5

[HistoryRepeated]

I’m thinking of seeing a counselor but I want to find someone who specializes in BPD.  My mother I think had it too as well as my sister who had a huge part in raising me, so I think no I know that’s why this feels normal to me.

My mother had borderline and ot completely rewired me.  I didn't even notice he had similar traits until after she died.  I say that but I bought the dude the BPD workbook years ago & encouraged him to read through it.  I guess on some level, i saw it as a problem for us.  Now, though, it's absolutely crystal clear. I don't feel like I'm addicted to the relationship but I think I will behave similarly to you when we part ways.  I will miss him or at least I will miss the him I always hoped he could be for me.  I won't miss any of the truly terrible things I've experienced at his whimsy.  I hope things improve for you soon. Thank you for sharing your story.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi

From my view it appears you are questioning your fear of being left to fend for yourself on the way home from a trip you took together as a couple.

Are you wondering if you overreacted?

Even if you did, the result, this breakup, has happened. Both of you could choose to end the relationship at any time, it does not have to be mutual or agreed.

I wonder if another view is possible, the view that there are others out there that could meet your needs. Not you trying to change yourself in ways you are currently not capable of.

After my divorce, I was terribly gun shy and reacted by running away. I HAD to work on this. When I started dating again i ran away time and time again from potential partners at the first sign of anger... Theirs or mine. I felt so afraid all the time, like there was something wrong with me, something so broken that I couldn't get up again.

But I was wrong. We do have the strength to get up again, to face our limitations and deal with the grief and shame of failure. What's the choice? Exist in limbo or move forward?

I needed antidepressants and I attended therapy, both group and one on one. I took care of my physical body. I spent time in nature, I read here, I focused on me and my boys. I accepted that I cannot change others, just myself.

My life is far from perfect. What i do have now is strength, strength i can share, and hope. That gives me the energy to do what I need to do in this moment.

I wish this and more for you.

[Tsultan]

Red5, thanks for sharing. The physical detachment on our trip was one of many times he physically left me. So many times I’m embarrassed to say because normally I would say that’s unacceptable behavior but because something inside me sensed he really didn’t want to leave kept me in the relationship. For example, he would misinterprete what I said and would say I was taking a poke at him when I know I never meant anything like that at all. So he would leave to go home. He would do this repeatedly after a misunderstanding. Then he would ghost me for a few days. This would trigger my abandonment issues and that is tough for me. This pattern continued about every three weeks. I always hung onto the hope it would get better. The trip happened about 1/2 way into our relationship. I thought it was a pretty crappy thing to do to someone. However I was the one who reached out to him about a month after the trip to patch things up. The physical detachment stuff happens between him and his daughter too. This is his normal.

What we talked about on our walk: his Dad who is dying and his encounter with his brother John who he does not have contact with, he talked about his Dads wife and how she played some sort of game with him in regards to visiting on thanksgiving day which I couldn’t fully understand but just listened and we talked about my events in my life to catch up on what going on with my job, kids, work and home. It always made me feel good because he is a good listener as long as he is not disregulating.

I can see how my 24 yr icy cold marriage set me up to be extremely vulnerable for connection. He cuddled, he listened, we prayed together, laughed together and did activities together  as a couple which I RARELY did with my ex. Husband but always craved.

I am grateful that I didn’t marry him but I swore sometimes if he asked me I would say yes.

I wish you well during your transition.

I try to focus on  the positives about being on my own.

Tsultan

[Tsultan]

Hi Red5! My relationship with C was 3 1/2 yrs. on and off because of detachment. He would say things like we need to let each other go. Then I ask so you mean you want to end things? And he would say no I never meant that I’m not breaking up with you. Kind of like gaslighting. No it was gaslighting. It was like he could not take responsibility for his words. That was a bit crazy making. He would do this to me more than 2 dozen times and I let him. :/ 

Yes he was my first after the divorce. I was very vulnerable for connection. My marriage was icy cold.

I posted on both boards because I wasn’t sure if I had the right board or not.  Trying to follow the rules here.

Thanks for being there for me. This is tough.

Tsultan

[Cromwell]

Hi and Welcome Tsultan

Just wondering how have you been coping for the 8 months up until now?

I remember when I first went NC, the first 2 months were the most difficult. Its been slightly over a year, I think about her only when I get stressed or anxiety triggered by other life circumstances. Basically, it isnt really about her per se, its that she features in the loop of basically being in a difficult place with my thoughts anyway. Ive learned to notice it and it helps to break out from the cascade of thoughts. Im wondering if something triggered you, i notice you are talking about others besides him such as your mom and sister?

If im having an otherwise good day with little to stress about, my ex barely if at all features in my thoughts.

[Tsultan]

Hi Cromwell, I think what triggered me was actually seeing him on our walking path. He asked if I would walk with him. Then later that night all I wanted to do was hold him and be held by him. When we first started dating we could not get enough of each other. I can honestly say I have not felt that way before about anyone before. It’s just too bad he couldn’t give me what I wanted which was lasting love. Something happened to him in his childhood that keeps him from getting close to women. Just something I need to remember and accept. It’s not likely to be resolved for him. I know miracles happen but I need to move on as much as I don’t want to.

From what I was told by another source is because I grew up with a sister who has BPD and she had a large part in raising me because my mom always pawned off her responsibilities to her children, and I think possibly my mom was either narcissistic or BPD as well that it’s comfortable for me because it’s my normal. I do feel a certain easy connection with my sister much like I did with my ex BPDbf. So, there were a lot of dynamics at play for me making this very difficult for me to let go. We are both in recovery programs 12 step and if you don’t know about them they do have their own language so to speak and that was yet another strong connection for me.

So, the general dynamics of a BPD relationship, my vulnerability after being married to an ice cube for 24 yrs, having grown up with family members with BPD, plus the connection we had together because we were incredibly like minded in a lot of ways made this the perfect storm for me to break away from. I honestly think he wasn’t making my behavior.

[Red5]

I can see how my 24 yr icy cold marriage set me up to be extremely vulnerable for connection. He cuddled, he listened, we prayed together, laughed together and did activities together  as a couple which I RARELY did with my ex. Husband but always craved.

Yes, me2!

I was one of those “three ‘N’ personalities”.
*nice
*naive
*non-confrontational  

And I was “love starved”... .coming out of a twenty-one year marriage... .I’d been on a drought for a very long time.

My ex wife was a real life “Jenny Gump” : (

I was an easy _____ !

Yes, I too was very vulnerable... .the one and only gf between the divorce and the current foundering relationship wanted to get married too, as soon as her divorce “amical distributions were settled”... .

I remember I was shopping at the commissary one Sunday after Church with my then three teenagers... .as I was a single father (long story)... .and I was in the meat department... .and there on the bulkhead was that cut away diagram of a cow, showing all the choice cuts... .and it ”hit me” like a fresh sea trout out of the Neuse River across the face... .and I heard my inner voice (gut) say to me... .“Red”,  ... .Red5, .this is “Red Leader, do you read me”... .RED5... .Red, Imperial Tie Fighters at twelve o’clock... .“RED can you hear me”... .RED!... .run Red!... .RUN!

So I did... .and the beautiful, and vivacious red headed real estate agent was not happy with my concerns, about remarriage so “soon”... .so she broke up with me before I could say “Bob’s your Uncle”

Then I met the current Mrs. Red5... .she was a damsel in distress, and she needed rescuing... .and I was just the Man to do it... .the rest is history... .well almost.

I’m thinking we will be alright Tsultan, we just need some re-calibration of our radar warning receivers... .that’s all    

Hang in there Tsultan, keep posting !

Red5

[Clearmind]

Holding onto hope of a relationship can certainly keep us emotionally imbedded in the prospect that if you get back together then our hurt will disappear. Hope can also stop us moving forward and stops us from feeling the pain of really understanding why it didn’t work to start with.

I sense you giving a lot of your power away and seeing a counsellor would be a very good idea. Letting go is painful which is why is stagnate, so we don’t have to feel.

Being Ok with all those uncomfortable feelings you have is key to moving forward and not concentrating so much on what he did but why you stayed because of what he was doing – we heal once we take ownership and the power for our role. Often when we have good boundaries to protect ourselves we feel empowered in knowledge that we can protect ourselves – coupled with this is the feeling of self-worth that we deserve to be treated well and if we aren’t we say no thanks and move on.

Be OK in being you! You have some healing to do and possibility your own abandonment issues from your upbringing. Often when our childhoods are shaky we seek out relationships which are just as shaky because to us its ‘normal’. We need a bit of a mind reset to really think about what a good relationship is.  Along with that we are also led to believe that as kids we are required to just accept whatever treatment we are given and not to dispute it. Be the “Good Girl” who puts others first at the expense of herself.

I personally highly recommend the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing – by Susan Andersen – fabulous book and I found it incredibly good.

As a start – think of your closest friend who you confide in and respect – what qualities do you like about them? In turn ask them what qualities they see in you.

[Tsultan]

Hi Clearmind, the final detachment he did was when I set a boundary. Here’s how it went: we were having a discussion one day about the many times he had broken it off with us.  He inferred that the reason he kept detaching from me was because of my anger. I rarely got angry with this man. It was his way of blaming me for his behavior that he didn’t want to take responsibility for. So I asked for space after being blamed as that’s unacceptable to me. That was my boundary that I set. No blaming.  Well, asking an untreated  BPD to stop blaming is like asking a fish to breathe air instead of water. So I hang onto my idea of that is he really cared about me he would respect me enough to no 1 give me the space I needed and no 2 try to respect my boundary. I would do that for someone I loved. I believe that the quality of a relationship is measured in how well someone can respect your boundaries. He had a hard time respecting my boundaries at times.

I’ll be okay. I got derailed after I saw him and spoke to him. I will be sure that does not happen again for a long time. I have to do it for me. I don’t want to make myself feel additional pain if I don’t have to. It’s like putting your hand on the hot stove when you know it will hurt. I just need to avoid that stove and heal from the hurt that stove inflicted on me.

[Cromwell]

Hi Cromwell, I think what triggered me was actually seeing him on our walking path. He asked if I would walk with him. Then later that night all I wanted to do was hold him and be held by him. When we first started dating we could not get enough of each other. I can honestly say I have not felt that way before about anyone before. It’s just too bad he couldn’t give me what I wanted which was lasting love.  I know miracles happen but I need to move on as much as I don’t want to.

Hi Tsultan, it didnt matter how long I was with BPDx, she gave me the same butterflys in stomach each and every time like the first time we hooked up.

I went finally NC for 8 months - the same point you are, then we met by chance and started talking. Id done so much work on myself and found those butterflys came back, only it took a member here to point something out I hadnt been aware at all. Id conflated that adrenal hit with love, "thats not love, its anxiety"
 
It didnt just emerge at that point, it was there throughout the 3 years. it was the pull.

She wasnt less or more attractive than girls I could have went with, her company and interests could match well on the right day, but I was drawn to her despite all the grief, but couldnt make out why. When we have a history in our pasts of others who have provoked that same response it gets conditioned (as far as ive learned so far) into adaptation or into an anxiety state. Think emergency service workers who get over time used to situations where the average person is in "fight or flight".

We dont want to fight or flight, but it was the same physical response. The heart beats faster, the breathing increases, we are on high alert looking for the blue jeep just at the thought can get this firing up. You mentioned the word 'addictive' and this kick is something that is addictive. Particularly if it is something that we have become used to expecting previously, it can make other relationships that dont trigger it feel "ice cube" in comparison.

im at work Tsultan so will leave you here for now but just wanted to say thanks for your input, it has helped me consolidate a lot of thoughts im having recently.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Tsultan,
I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
I'm really glad you came here. This is a great place where you'll find much help, advices and simular experinces that you can easy relate to.

When I read your first introduction and what you've experienced with the 8 ms no contact, it seemed like this text could be written by me.

Currently I'm also in month 7 with NC at all, that was my decision.
My background is that I'm married to a wonderful, mentally very healthy woman since 22 years, living together since 29 years now. We have two grown up sons.
I've had a very difficult childhood with multiple trauma due to terrible injuries. All my life as a child and early as a grown up, I've had anxiety and abandanment issues. They pretty much stopped when I met my wife.

Last year in April I met this much younger women. It was blowing me away. She treated me like what I hoped for when I was young, beeing accepted and loved for who I am. It's not that I never got that from my wife, she loves me very much - so do I. It was the speed and the unconditional acceptance that I experienced from her. She mirrowed me.

However, meeting this woman was special from the first minute. I got her full attention and it seemed like she liked me very much. Within the first three hours that night, I saw many many red flags. This continued throughout the night and into the next day (no inimacy!). She lives with her bf of 18 years and she made me stay in the guestroom. That first night I saw her kissing a younger guy for two hours, watching her was a very strange experience.

The two/three weeks flowong, I experienced the same things that you've experienced. by then I started to slowly detach and I told her. This seemed a big trigger for her and she called me.
We both went NC after seeing each other again after having met the first time. That time in May she told me that she had personality problems and identity problems without explaining any of them.

After 6 months of no contact she texted me, because she was told I was around in her city. Her text messages were extremely manipulative and I rejected seeing her.

That was simular to your experince when you ran into your ex recently.
I also ran into her in late January this year and I was like I went back three steps. The following weeks, two following phone calls in February, I could hardly sleep. I wrote a letter to her to which she didn't respond, even when she said she wanted to in a phone call.

To make it short, I decided in April this year that it was time for me to completely detach. I sent her another short letter explaining that I needed to do this and that I changed my phone number.
I never heard from her again.

My message here is, you can detach but you need to avoid seeing him again. Don't look for his social media accounts, don't go to try to see his car. It does not help your progress to heal from this r/s.

I must say, that I've never ever experienced anything like this woman, I never had the feelings that I had.

Having been to this forum, having read all I could about BPD, it has helped me a lot.
I learned a lot about myself and my part in this short and very emotional r/s (friendship). I know about my own issues and I learned about my inner child and why I was attracted to this mentally ill woman.
I still think about her a lot. I learned that the reason I have difficulties to stop thinking of her is that I never got any answers from her that would help me understand her. Readinf about BPD helped me to understand, that 'understanding' the actions and the behaviour of a BPD is alomst impossible for a non.

I wish you good luck and a good healing process.