Questions about getting an ex pwBPD back and the best approach to take

[Al Kaseltzer]

Hey everyone, my ex is undiagnosed but has a lot of signs of a pwBPD, which lead me here.  We had an on again/off again relationship for less than a year.  This last go around lasted a short period of time before she said we should see other people, then admitted to seeing someone else. 

a few questions, asking for those with more experience than me to give their opinions:

1. what are the chances that she comes back, either while still with someone else, or immediately after it ends with that person?  does the length of her new relationship change the dynamic at all?  for example, if it flamed out in a month or two would she be more likely to reach out to me again as opposed to if it lasted say 6 months or a year?

2. Typically when someone wants their ex back, going no contact can work in order to give their ex the space they need to step back, think about things, miss you, eventually reach out, etc.  From others experience, does this work the same way essentially with a pwBPD?  granted, I don't see how I can reach out at this particular moment anyway without it doing more harm than good, but is there any reason to think that reaching out after say a month or two could be beneficial?  Does this all change if there is someone else involved now?

3. Sometimes if the person that got dumped looks like they are moving on, dating new people, not continuing to chase, that it makes them look better to their ex and it can have a positive effect on re-attracting them and/or the ex not wanting to lose them.  I'm not saying this is across the board always true, but would something like that be the same for an ex pwBPD or would they react differently to seeing you appearing to move on (even if you really haven't)?

*please recognize for the moment that I am aware this relationship was mostly unhealthy, and that it is probably best for me to just move on and move forward with my life, however I am not ready and able to do that yet*

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Was there something that happened the days prior to the breakup? An argument, coldness, sulking? Might be a clue about her reasons for breaking up.

It might not have been anything serious, but she could have seen it as such.

My gf and I had the most perfect month of dating (been on and off for two years so yeah), then three days I was not as available and she just cut me off completely, full no contact.

From posting here I realized she did try to reconnect before the fallout but I didn't recognize it as such. Ill wait for you to post what happened in your case so I don't "prime" you so to speak haha its also better if you realize things on your own, I'll follow up after.

You are asking about getting an ex back, but that is their decision. If you've been on and off its possible this is another one of these off periods.

I know you're hurting, but keep yourself grounded. Live your life, be ready if she contacts you, be ready if she doesn't. if you're resolute on taking her back then just do that when you both are ready, meaning she's talking and responding to you again.

Others have mentioned maybe some light, non romantic interactions if possible just to let her know you're still around. Try to not overdo it or get caught up in it, I've read a few people here have posted it has the opposite effect, their partners feel overwhelmed if they do it too much or even if "matching" their number of messages.

I know I've said a lot without a lot of details, just general info. Keep posting so we can give a more focused response to your particular situation.

[Al Kaseltzer]

thanks for the response.  as far as the relationship, I try to take it at face value and not put too much into the assumed BPD aspect of it because ultimately, it was a matter of not keeping her happy and/or satisfied.  I think it was a lot of little things, immaturity, not romantic enough, an argument, etc.

I almost always felt anxious, constantly trying to think a few steps ahead of what her reaction to something I did or said would be as to avoid any problems.  That wears on you after a while.  I know there is not much I can do from this point on, but when the realization she may be a pwBPD hit me on the head, I just became curious if that changes what I can or should expect from this point on.  

[itsmeSnap]

the realization she may be a pwBPD hit me on the head, I just became curious if that changes what I can or should expect from this point on.

It does but it also doesn't. You can expect her to react the way she has in the past is the general idea, so if you've been on and off its likely this will continue. If she's been like that with you its unlikely she will be any different with anyone else, so yeah, weird way to give you hope she might be back but it's likely she'll break up with the other person for the same reasons as she did with you and possibly around the same timeframe (my gf has consistently been around 3 months away every time we break contact, others have said days, weeks, hours, until next morning, etc. everyone is different), but nothing's certain or guaranteed here.

Unless something changes, this will keep happening. also, the consensus is that it is you who must be one to adapt because you cannot change the other person.

If that's something you are willing to work on while being with her then you have to accept that reality.

I almost always felt anxious, constantly trying to think a few steps ahead of what her reaction to something I did or said would be as to avoid any problems

This is a recurring issue with people, so much so "the" book on BPD is called after this: "stop walking on eggshells"

The idea is that you need to take their reactions for what they are and not let them get to you, while at the same time not making things worse (I know right, between a rock and a hard place); lots of mindfulness needed, takes major effort to get it right.

it was a matter of not keeping her happy and/or satisfied

So you did notice there were issues.

I think it was a lot of little things, immaturity, not romantic enough, an unnecessary argument, etc

was that something you did or her?

Even after admitting there was someone else, we still spent some time together

If her seeing someone is a problem you need to address it, there's a section on the lessons post about setting boundaries [https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries], and this sounds like it could be one of them you might want to look into. if you're ok with her doing it (spending time with other men) then just enjoy her company while she's with you.

I know I'm giving lots of advice here, when I first came here someone listened and got me to talk but I really wanted them to give me some guidance so I try to do that upfront when I reply haha

Ultimately it is about a choice you make and the expectations you have, I often see people desperate because they expect the relationship to be "perfect", and quite often because it seemed like it was when it started.

I just recently had the co-author of the above mentioned book reply to my question on this, she said (and she's the expert so I believe her haha) its ultimately about how we perceive the situation and we decide if, with good and bad, is the relationship worth it.

Nobody's perfect, so now that you've seen the downsides its up to you to decide if its worth it. I suggest you read the lessons posts, some good general advice and life skills in there. [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0]

Also, I do walls of text a lot apparently haha so hopefully you dont mind the rambling.

So what you think?

[Purplex]

Hi Al Kaselzer and welcome to the community! 
itsmeSnap already made some great points, I’d just like to add a possible explanation for the on/off situation.
From my experience, fear of abandonment is one of the most important factors that prevents a pwBPD from fully committing to a lasting relationship. By getting closer to someone they care about, the pain that comes with being left again by that person increases exponentially. And being abandoned is what they are used to, so it seems inevitable and just a matter of time.
To avoid that pain, every minor issue is used to validate their fear and to support their belief, that the relationship is doomed anyway. And if things feel too real, too intense and there is no obvious problem that they can push forward as a reason to question the relationship and your intentions, they might create one themselves or withdraw completely. It’s easier to anticipate the abandonment and leave on their own terms. That’s mostly a subconscious protection mechanism triggered by intense fear, not something they consciously decide to do. But at their core they are starving for affection and intimacy, that's why they tend to come back when they feel less vulnerable.
Not saying that this is the case with your ex, she might have completely different reasons for her behavior. But that could be a possible explanation for her sudden change of mind, especially if things went so well before and there were no mayor issues.
What do you think?
Do you know anything about the duration and dynamic of her previous relationships?

[Al Kaseltzer]

It does but it also doesn't. You can expect her to react the way she has in the past is the general idea, so if you've been on and off its likely this will continue. If she's been like that with you its unlikely she will be any different with anyone else, so yeah, weird way to give you hope she might be back but it's likely she'll break up with the other person for the same reasons as she did with you and possibly around the same timeframe (my gf has consistently been around 3 months away every time we break contact, others have said days, weeks, hours, until next morning, etc. everyone is different), but nothing's certain or guaranteed here.

Yes, that is the ironic part about hoping to get her back, that I almost just assume the new relationship will run its course sooner than later and based on maybe having a longer history with her than anyone else has recently that I will be looked at fondly or she'd reach out.  I think its one of those things where she is getting what she needs at the moment, it just depends on how long that lasts.

When your gf was taking 3 month breaks, from what you know was she cooling off by herself or was she seeing someone else at these points?

I was definitely not ok with her seeing someone else when we were together.  I didnt like that she did that, but I would have looked past it.

Purplex, she had talked about her failed relationships, which makes some sense to me now.  the only real takeaway is that there seemed to be a lot of them, and they seemed to never last very long.  

All of this is to say that it makes the whole thing so confusing.  Correct me if im wrong but everything I have come across and as mentioned by itsmeSnap pretty much states that this will be the dynamic of the relationship most of the time.  the walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect, going to great lengths to avoid conflict, the on again/off again thing, etc.  At the moment, yeah I would gladly take all of that on to be with her because the good times both in the beginning and in recent weeks were absolutely worth it.  however, it seems unrealistic to think that this could ever last as a long term relationship, and at what point does the stress and anxiety to keep making it work just burn someone out.  

why are these relationships so difficult to break away from?  If i explain the dynamics and drama of everything that has gone on to a friend or family member and then proceed to tell them i am dying to get them back, they look at me like im insane.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey there Al Kaseltzer,

Correct me if im wrong but everything I have come across and as mentioned by itsmeSnap pretty much states that this will be the dynamic of the relationship most of the time.  the walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect, going to great lengths to avoid conflict, the on again/off again thing, etc

Those are indeed all characteristic of what a person with BPD does including the infamous push/pull. There's even book about this. It's called Stop Walking on Eggshells. I highly recommend it. It helps make sense out of all this chaos and set boundaries, and just learn more about what happens in these dynamics.

why are these relationships so difficult to break away from?  If i explain the dynamics and drama of everything that has gone on to a friend or family member and then proceed to tell them i am dying to get them back, they look at me like im insane.

Good question. There's a lot of reasons and can vary for person to person. A lot of people who get into these relationships, aren't aware the person as BPD at first. The person with BPD doesn't always show these signs and many of these issues don't come up until after both people are attached. It's usually only when the pwBPD gets close to the non-BPD, that their abandonment fear is triggered and these behaviors start showing up. Basically you become a trigger for the BPD just by being close to him/her. By the time this is realized by the non-BPD, there become many reasons to stay. Empathy for a person who is disordered. Loving the good sides and how great initially the relationship was. Being highly empathetic and patient. Also, those with BPD tend to be highly malleable persons. So in some sense, their unstable sense of self can be attractive, because they seem flexible when in reality over a lot of issues end up being inflexible. That doesn't mean communication and other tools can't be used to help improve these relationships. It's just a very difficult long road. The person is recommended to have a grounded support system and be okay with what they are getting themselves into because it's not just a passing through illness it's an everyday battle. So the question to ask is "can I handle this and deal with my needs being put aside again and again?"

I keep hearing long-term relationships are difficult unless the BPD actively works on themselves and gets therapy. Though there are tools and ways to effectively communicate that can help improve these relationships over time. Whether or not it's worth it is depending on many factors the person ends up considering!

[Al Kaseltzer]

The person is recommended to have a grounded support system and be okay with what they are getting themselves into because it's not just a passing through illness it's an everyday battle. So the question to ask is "can I handle this and deal with my needs being put aside again and again?"

I keep hearing long-term relationships are difficult unless the BPD actively works on themselves and gets therapy. Though there are tools and ways to effectively communicate that can help improve these relationships over time. Whether or not it's worth it is depending on many factors the person ends up considering!

this is the real internal struggle for me.  coming across this revelation after the relationship essentially ended has me wanting to have another chance with more knowledge of what was in play the whole time.  I guess the decision to be together being out of my hands at this moment just adds another layer of misery to the whole thing.

Logic tells me that it is not worth it, except that my heart wants it and my brain wont stop going through millions of thoughts about her every day.  Emotional attachments and getting close with someone is a very powerful, almost scary thing.  Its almost as if nothing she did or said would be too much for me to actually walk away at this point. 

I don't know what to think.  I feel like sacrificing all of my energy, effort, well being and walking on eggshells for her to be happy which in turn makes me happy is a tricky thing to navigate over a long period of time.  Like, doing all of those things is done not only for her benefit but for mine as well, but should it really be like that?  I don't know, lots more questions than answers I suppose.  and at the end of the day, if she reached out to me right now, I would disregard everything and not give it a second thought and jump right back in.  that is what kind of scares me.

[Yellowpearl]

and at the end of the day, if she reached out to me right now, I would disregard everything and not give it a second thought and jump right back in.  that is what kind of scares me.

Since as you put, things are up in the air on whether she gets back, maybe the positive thing here is, getting to use this time to think about if this is something you truly want in the meantime. When I was in an extended period of no contact with a person with BPD and a bit underwaters, what helped me was reading some of the tools and reading some of the other member's experiences, even posting, even though I didn't know he'd be in touch or not again. It just helped me cope and feel less alone. It gave me hope during a time I felt really hopeless. It also really helped me work on some of these skills which can help prepare for once/if the person gets back. You sound you are pretty confident if she reaches out, you would go back in a heartbeat. In that case, maybe it will be quite useful to read up on some tools so it doesn't feel like you'd be going back only to let your needs become neglected and it be all about her.

Some of these tools and reading about them really helped me and maybe they would help you too just to take a look around whenever you get the chance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329747.0

[Al Kaseltzer]

thank you!  I feel like even though issues existed independent of any BPD knowledge at the time, I have really gone down a rabbit hole devouring as much information as I can in the last week or two.  It leads to a fork in the road where on one hand I want so bad to try again knowing what I know and on the other hand logic tells me to heal and move on.  Easier said than done.

I also kind of got so wrapped up in this relationship that I felt like it was all normal behavior when in reality maybe it wasnt.  In hindsight there was a lot of red flags that I looked past, and even some that I thought were bizarre when they didnt have anything to do with our relationship such as being extremely impulsive, more so than anyone else Ive ever met.

[itsmeSnap]

When your gf was taking 3 month breaks, from what you know was she cooling off by herself or was she seeing someone else at these points?

She lives with an ex of hers, last time we were together she hated him, she cut me off and now they're best friends, so go figure.

She met him right after one of our breakups, became a couple, moved in, broke up with him, came back to me. I'm not entirely sure but she seems to go to him when things are bad with me, and vice versa.

We're always apart when it happens, and she always "hates him" when she's with me, so there's that.

She also contacts me after she's been lonely for a while, trying to date "strangers" unsuccessfully (tinder, going out, social media), its a bit of both.

doing all of those things is done not only for her benefit but for mine as well, but should it really be like that?

Thats the catch isn't it? It should also be for your benefit, so do it in a way that it's not painful and anxiety driven.

It sounds odd, but I thought I was being manipulative when I first started helping her change and it worked, I thought I pulled off some jedi mind trick or something.

Turns out, after reading on it, I was simply setting boundaries and following through on them.

I also have a family history of people with BPD and it seems I also thought that was "normal" or "just the way things are". I used to have anxiety attacks and was shy and detached from the world like you wouldnt believe (I was also a kid/teenager so that also complicated things).

I started learning and realized theres another way, haven't had an anxiety episode in years, my dad (suspected BPD) no longer rages to us and is able to communicate, and little thins like that. He's still stubborn and hotheaded but its no longer directed at us and we can empathize and work on the issue rather than fight each other about it.

So there is a way, it takes effort and knowledge. If you want it to be good, gotta put in the work. If you realize its not good enough, well there's a board for that here too haha

Stay strong and keep learning! Help others as well, like some people have said, its easier to see solutions from an outside perspective, it has helped me tremendously aswell, hopefully I'm also helping you.

[Harri]

Hi!  First, cool name!  

Learning the tools we offer here can help you in so many areas of life not just in a BPD relationship.  It took me a while to see that when i first got here.  They take time to practice though and you can do that right here as you make and respond to other peoples posts so that is good.  

You mentioned healing and moving on.  Please forgive me if I am getting too picky here:  you will need to heal whether you do reconcile or move on.  BPD relationships have a way of highlighting some of the things we can work on so it is good you have been digging in and reading.  

A lot of us ignored red flags and there are different reasons for doing so.  Why do you think you did?  You don't have to answer that right now but you might want to think about it.

ItsmeSnap said:

Ultimately it is about a choice you make and the expectations you have, I often see people desperate because they expect the relationship to be "perfect", and quite often because it seemed like it was when it started.

You probably will have to regroup and look at your expectations for her and the relationship.  Keep reading and posting as it will help a great deal.

[Al Kaseltzer]

She lives with an ex of hers, last time we were together she hated him, she cut me off and now they're best friends, so go figure.

She met him right after one of our breakups, became a couple, moved in, broke up with him, came back to me. I'm not entirely sure but she seems to go to him when things are bad with me, and vice versa.

We're always apart when it happens, and she always "hates him" when she's with me, so there's that.

She also contacts me after she's been lonely for a while, trying to date "strangers" unsuccessfully (tinder, going out, social media), its a bit of both.

That has certainly been the case with me, seeing each other after she got lonely, went on a date or two with someone she met online, etc and decided to entertain the idea of me again.  Just feels different now because the someone else is more than just a random date.  This all helps a lot, and since you are essentially where I anticipate being if I get another chance, how do you handle or come to grips with that type of relationship where she may come around, and then disappear, coming and going randomly? Sounds so difficult to deal with.  and yet here I am, waiting patiently. 

[Al Kaseltzer]

You mentioned healing and moving on.  Please forgive me if I am getting too picky here:  you will need to heal whether you do reconcile or move on.  BPD relationships have a way of highlighting some of the things we can work on so it is good you have been digging in and reading.  

A lot of us ignored red flags and there are different reasons for doing so.  Why do you think you did?  You don't have to answer that right now but you might want to think about it.

Agreed, this kind of illuminated something that I'm somewhat glad to know and be aware of, but also kind of wish I didn't stumble upon if that makes sense.  I guess it is a good thing in the long run though? I hope.

Oh ignoring red flags was simple.  Not many romantic relationships in my life up to that point plus really liking her and being attracted to her, she could have said almost anything or done anything haha.  Don't get me wrong, I thought to myself throughout the relationship that there was things that made me question how long it could really last, but I guess it was just never going to be me who made the move to end it.

[Harri]

Agreed, this kind of illuminated something that I'm somewhat glad to know and be aware of, but also kind of wish I didn't stumble upon if that makes sense.  I guess it is a good thing in the long run though? I hope.

It does make sense and I also know that feeling of wishing you did not find out.  But you did and you can work it through.  That is what a lot of us here are doing so you are in great company.  Some are just starting and others are further along but we all support each other.

[itsmeSnap]

how do you handle or come to grips with that type of relationship where she may come around, and then disappear, coming and going randomly? Sounds so difficult to deal with

I'm hoping to prevent the falling out in the first place, though I know its no guarantee, I'm learning all I can.

Even if she ultimately decides not to come around or even break up yet again, I can use these same skills on my next relationship. People have mentioned we (people involved with a BPD) tend to return to the same patterns in other relationships, we have as they say "high needs" ourselves and I can see how I do: I recently commented on my own thread how I do seek the intense passion my gf provides, to the point of neglecting when other less "chaotic" women have approached me.

So now that I see this I'm working on it and setting more realistic expectations, both on intensity and commitment. I have set a deadline on january for her to come back (she cut me off late october, so around the end of our usual 3 month timeframe), otherwise I will be moving away (planned before a relationship with her, not a reaction to the breakup), I'll maybe stay in touch but after that I'm ready for whatever happens.

Ideally I'd like for her to move in with me and eventually get married. But these breakups put a hard stop on any plans we made, and we have made them together so its not just my own wishful thinking.

So yeah, I've been told to maybe just stay friends and that I can help her as such. I know I can, but I want to be with her, not just her friendship. We'll see, I'm still waiting for now, come january I'll take another path.

Hope this gives you some perspective, you seem to be on the right path yourself trying to improve. Good luck!

[Pytagoras]

Hi Al Kaseltzer. Welcome

why are these relationships so difficult to break away from?  If i explain the dynamics and drama of everything that has gone on to a friend or family member and then proceed to tell them i am dying to get them back, they look at me like im insane.

In my opinion, and beyond what has already been mentioned, intense emotions are highly addictive. The ups and downs of this kind of relation, it's intensity, creates a sense of emptiness when we get out of them.

And plus, they tend to play the victim ( it's how they really percieve it ) by projecting onto you all the faults. And we get on the trap of want to go back and try to fix things.

[Al Kaseltzer]

I'm hoping to prevent the falling out in the first place, though I know its no guarantee, I'm learning all I can.

Even if she ultimately decides not to come around or even break up yet again, I can use these same skills on my next relationship. People have mentioned we (people involved with a BPD) tend to return to the same patterns in other relationships, we have as they say "high needs" ourselves and I can see how I do: I recently commented on my own thread how I do seek the intense passion my gf provides, to the point of neglecting when other less "chaotic" women have approached me.

thanks for all the input, from you and everyone else, it helps.  This type of discussion is a little harder to delve into with friends/family especially without getting a whole lot of "get away from her, never go back, etc" type stuff.  It's crazy because no matter how many times it happens, I feel like right now I'd do the same thing as you if I had the chance, just give it another go and try to make it work this time around. 

I also find it interesting that I have stayed invested in this when there has been other options.  I have had opportunities to date and get to know other women who seem more interested in me, stable and emotionally mature and yet I have pretty much just no interest in them at all, instead just constantly trying to work this out with my ex.

[Al Kaseltzer]

Hi Al Kaseltzer. Welcome

In my opinion, and beyond what has already been mentioned, intense emotions are highly addictive. The ups and downs of this kind of relation, it's intensity, creates a sense of emptiness when we get out of them.

And plus, they tend to play the victim ( it's how they really percieve it ) by projecting onto you all the faults. And we get on the trap of want to go back and try to fix things.

Its true, everything about this relationship and the desire to get it feels like a drug addiction, right down to the withdrawals.  I'm not sure if this would be the case with anyone who I was extremely invested in, or if it is a BPD thing but its something ive never really felt before.

and yeah, definitely feel an emptiness now where I dont know what to do with myself.  Ive either been with her and all that entails, or working to get her back and now im just stuck in a position of not being able to do either, except back off.

[once removed]

This last go around lasted a short period of time before she said we should see other people, then admitted to seeing someone else.

how long ago was the breakup, how long has she been/is she still seeing someone else, and how long were the two of you together?

2. Typically when someone wants their ex back, going no contact can work in order to give their ex the space they need to step back, think about things, miss you, eventually reach out, etc.  From others experience, does this work the same way essentially with a pwBPD?

going "no contact" is a tool for detaching and getting someone out of your head and day to day life. its not conducive to improving or resuscitating a relationship. "giving space" is very different, and if we are smothering our partners, or if we need some space, or they need some space, and it thaw the ice. so there may be a lot of benefit to reaching out to her, but it really depends on what you want to say, and the note the two of you left off on.

3. Sometimes if the person that got dumped looks like they are moving on, dating new people, not continuing to chase, that it makes them look better to their ex and it can have a positive effect on re-attracting them and/or the ex not wanting to lose them.  I'm not saying this is across the board always true, but would something like that be the same for an ex pwBPD or would they react differently to seeing you appearing to move on (even if you really haven't)?

pwBPD are just like you and i... .only more extreme in certain areas. the "BPD behaviors" you read about, are things we all do, to lesser or greater degrees. when it comes to BPD, human nature still applies.

certainly it can be productive to carry on with your life, and if you normally post that sort of thing on social media, to do it. i wouldnt recommend dating in order to get her attention. i wouldnt even recommend living your life to get her attention... .sometimes its kind of unavoidable at first, but at a certain point, its much more effective if we are doing it for ourselves.

the walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect, going to great lengths to avoid conflict, the on again/off again thing, etc.

that is a description of a miserable, and unhealthy relationship.

the tools here are about not avoiding conflict, but resolving it in mature ways... .directing the relationship into healthier territory, if possible, and if not, ourselves at the very least. often times, our partners follow our lead. they are basic life/relationship/coping skills.

as part of that, it is important to understand the nature of conflict in your relationship, how protracted it is, whether its resolvable, the things you can/cant live with if nothing were to change... .and to understand your partners limitations. our partners have weak relationship skills.

[hopefulbutlost17]

Welcome  !

What helped me with my relationship with my ex was to read up on the tools provided on here.  I also began to dissect my relationship over the last 3 years and  recently to determine the patterns my ex and I have both developed. It helped me improve and hopefully lead to a healthier relationship.  However, right now we are no contact... (due to my impulsiveness but I'm learning).

Also, and most importantly, self care! Having a strong support system (my circle of friends is not way smaller than when I first started dating my ex and for good reason). I've sought out counseling as well.

You are definitely not alone and many of us here have definitely gone through what you are going through.

 

[Al Kaseltzer]

that is a description of a miserable, and unhealthy relationship.

agreed. which leads me to a couple of other questions id like to throw out there.  i was going to start another thread, and still might, but since ive got some great replies in here ill do it here for now.

what kind of success stories can others here provide in these sorts of relationships? is there anyone that is genuinely happy, content, at peace with their relationships? (for a long period of time, not just the idea that things were great once in a while or at one point in time)

have others here successfully gotten back together with an ex pwBPD and had it be long lasting, rewarding, easier the next time around, etc?  im not talking about surviving it, im talking about actually enjoying it.

if you did want to work it out after being broken up with, how long have you waited for an ex to come back before you realized it wasn't going to happen, and finally began the process of moving on for good?

[Yellowpearl]

what kind of success stories can others here provide in these sorts of relationships?

Definitely take a look if you haven't already, these success stories:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

have others here successfully gotten back together with an ex pwBPD and had it be long lasting, rewarding, easier the next time around, etc?  im not talking about surviving it, im talking about actually enjoying it.

So far since i've been on this board, I've seen and read about many situations turns around. Look at it this way, many members come on here to reconnect or reverse their relationship despite the fact of how turbulent their situation is. That's likely for no reason. There must be a lot of good parts in that relationship for so many people to still have hope inspite of the darkness. I've been learning that things don't become more enjoyable in the relationship by itself, just after reconnecting. Often those who are in a relationship with a person with BPD feed into some of their behaviors and things can get worse. For many, by learning what can be done on their end, such as changing up a communication style, using better tools, the relationship can improve massively.

A lot of people tend to react to some of their behaviors. There are a lot of non-reactive ways to approach things. Basically, i'm learning you can't really communicate with a person with BPD like you would any other persons. They are just wired differently, and they are highly sensitive persons. You sort of have to tailor your approach for best results and less conflicts in a high conflict relationship.

if you did want to work it out after being broken up with, how long have you waited for an ex to come back before you realized it wasn't going to happen, and finally began the process of moving on for good?

I personally haven't gotten there yet. Things are still up in the air but I can imagine it can take a really long time for many people to process and move on if things don't happen or turn around.

[once removed]

success depends more on the two parties in the relationship, and whether their relationship has "the right stuff" than anything. their commitment and willingness to, and how they solve conflict.

if you have significant values differences, for example, that you cant find a way to resolve, its going to eventually crash and burn, even if it takes years.

yes, there are people happy in their relationships, and some worst case scenarios that have turned around. there are also people that achieved that, no longer found the relationship fulfilling, and exited.

there will always be ups and downs. our partners have poor relationship and coping skills (we usually do too). so in choosing to stay, one really has to find their way to the emotional strength and leadership to move the relationship in healthier territory... .often times our partners follow our lead.

the question is whether you can see any of this between the two of you. if youre up for a radically different approach. if not, theres not a lot of point.

if you did want to work it out after being broken up with, how long have you waited for an ex to come back before you realized it wasn't going to happen, and finally began the process of moving on for good?

that was me. its hard to remember... .i think i waited until around 4-6 months when i closed the door (on my end) for good, and grieved the relationship.

[Al Kaseltzer]

that was me. its hard to remember... .i think i waited until around 4-6 months when i closed the door (on my end) for good, and grieved the relationship.

its hard to really know if and when it'll happen, i can easily see myself waiting that long as well.  things didnt end on the best note, i still want to reach out badly less than a month since having spoke and its taking all my willpower not to.  i really try to keep telling myself that if or when she wants me around she will reach out to me.  im not sure how much good can be done by me trying to alter that.  i also feel like i want to heal and make progress but im not doing either right now, just simply waiting.  its not a good mindset to be in, feel unhealthy and lethargic.

[once removed]

its not a good mindset to be in, feel unhealthy and lethargic.

its a highly understandable, but not constructive mindset to be in.

if she came back tomorrow, would you be prepared to steer the relationship into healthier territory?

[Al Kaseltzer]

its a highly understandable, but not constructive mindset to be in.

if she came back tomorrow, would you be prepared to steer the relationship into healthier territory?

I would, and certainly feel like I'd be better equipped to make it be more successful.  Its just a matter of did we have one too many on/off thing spells for it to finally be done.

For anyone that has had their ex leave for someone else or just being aware that they are seeing someone else at the moment, there cannot be any good that comes from reaching out at this point right?  its part of what makes me have more anxiety about all of this, but I have to figure I cant do anything at this point right?

[once removed]

For anyone that has had their ex leave for someone else or just being aware that they are seeing someone else at the moment, there cannot be any good that comes from reaching out at this point right?

my ex left for someone else too 

it really depends. would you consider things to have ended on a good note? then there could possibly be some good.

what would you want to say if you did?

[Al Kaseltzer]

things did not end on a great note.  there with someone else. id be saying something along the lines of just "hey, hope all is well" to sort of ease the tension of a few weeks ago.

thinking goes something like this
A. dont send anything, they will get in touch if they decide they ever want to, regardless of how it ended
 
or

B. trying to leave things off on a somewhat better/positive note, not for the present day, but for possibly down the road.

feels like sending this now (a few weeks removed) would make more sense than randomly like 2-3 months from now.  also unsure if no response/negative response will send me backwards emotionally.

[Yellowpearl]

If you were to say something, what would you want to say? (Understandably) even if you wanna take time to think about if it’s a good idea to send something, it can help to think about what could be said.