21 yr old daughter with BPD

[Starmom]

My daughter was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I am struggling with our relationship. She is in DBT therapy, but seems to be getting worse. Last night she spit on me and called me unthinkable names. This has happened multiple times. Today she felt guilty and suicidal. We keep trying to help. I’m heartbroken, exhausted, constantly worried about her and her 19 yr old brother, who gets lost in all her drama. I guess I just need to know I’m not alone. I have no one to talk to who understands.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Starmom.     Welcome to the site though I am sorry for what brings you here.

I am glad you found us as there are many parents here who understand and can help support you and can listen.  You definitely are not alone.  Reaching out is good.  Having a support network will be so important for you as you try to navigate your relationship with your daughter. 

How long has she been in DBT?  What sort of changes are you seeing that cause you to say her behavior is getting worse?

What do you most want help with right now?

[Starmom]

She went away to college in August and I had to go get her and bring her home. She was either depressed and suicidal or lashing out. She started DBT in September. She remained moody, anxious and depressed but, stopped lashing out. Recently, she’s started lashing out and panicking again. She wants to be loved so badly, but pushes all of us away with her abusive behavior.

[Starmom]

I mostly need to be able to be able to talk to her without triggering her. The problem is that I don’t know what I say that upsets her and it mostly seems to come out of the blue.

[Harri]

Hi Starmom. 

Not triggering someone is hard especially if they are highly sensitive and we do not know what the triggers are!

Can you share a typical conversation so we can help with ideas on how to change or improve things?  I am not saying you are doing anything wrong though.  Sometimes what we do and say instinctively is the worst thing to say to a pwBPD (person with BPD).

So lets see what we can come up with.