6 months can change a lot...

[Depression = 72% of members]

It’s been 6 months since I was last in contact.  I had to go contact after that because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I think she realized the same and blocked me on some social media. Not sure if blocking her calls was the right thing to do but at the time it was the only way to focus on myself. Its just a weird feeling, because I think at this point i’m probably at the devaluation phase, or maybe it was just an attempt to capture my attention, but I still respect her. I suppose we both just have different perspectives, on boundaries. I don’t think trying to force a friendship wouldve been good for either one of us.

[Struggler123]

It’s been 6 months since I was last in contact.  I had to go contact after that because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I think she realized the same and blocked me on some social media. Not sure if blocking her calls was the right thing to do but at the time it was the only way to focus on myself. Its just a weird feeling, because I think at this point i’m probably at the devaluation phase, or maybe it was just an attempt to capture my attention, but I still respect her. I suppose we both just have different perspectives, on boundaries. I don’t think trying to force a friendship wouldve been good for either one of us.

[Insom]

Hi, Struggler123.    Congrats on passing the 6 month mark!  It sounds like the breakup was a painful one.  I can relate needing no contact to retrain your focus on yourself. 

When you say you're in the devaluation phase do you mean she's devalued you?  Or you her?  What makes you feel you've reached that phase?

[Struggler123]

Hi, Struggler123.    Congrats on passing the 6 month mark!  It sounds like the breakup was a painful one.  I can relate needing no contact to retrain your focus on yourself. 

When you say you're in the devaluation phase do you mean she's devalued you?  Or you her?  What makes you feel you've reached that phase?

Initially, she was trying to reach out in anyway she can it was like intermittent reinforcement, that would come in waves. Any excuse to contact me, birthday, holiday etc. I tried to be normal regarding it, but then felt like it was keeping me in chains. So then once I guess kind of reached the breaking point, I blocked her. Never looked back on it, now I felt like I was in a better place, so was casually checking and saw that I was blocked on 2 forms of social media.  So that this point, I feel like its either devaulation phase or she wants me to reach out just so I could feel low again.

[Insom]

Would it be fair to say that your casual check-in, and then seeing that you're blocked, raised some complicated feelings for you?

[Struggler123]

Would it be fair to say that your casual check-in, and then seeing that you're blocked, raised some complicated feelings for you?

Off course, It would be unfair to say otherwise. I suppose, in some ways I was looking for an apology for the mess that was created after the relationship was over and making me feel like I was responsible for the way things out. As such in some ways, I was responsible but, Not because I didn’t treat her the right way. I did everything a good bf, therapist, and friend would do. I just couldn’t marry someone that would break up with me 3-4x, compare me to her ex all the time living in his shadow and then worst of all, kiss someone and then call me to tell me about it, claiming to her it was over. It was red flags all over the place, and I just couldn’t be friends with someone that would always be on the verge of “unintentionally” making feel like I wasn’t good enough. I suppose things ended on a good note and thats what I wanted to leave it as.

[once removed]

would it be reasonable to assume she blocked you in retaliation of your blocking her?

[Struggler123]

would it be reasonable to assume she blocked you in retaliation of your blocking her?

Honestly, I never thought about it that way. I suppose I was so caught up in cleaning out my own mess, I never really paid attention to her. I wouldn’t be surprised,  but I didn’t block on her on any social media, I barely use it anyway. It was just calls and texts, but at the time it was the only right thing to do. I guess in some ways it probably is retatilation, to make it seem like I was the one that “ruined” things. I suppose for me sometimes the bigger question is, why do I feel this sense of guilt, because for some odd reason I do understand the steps that she took to protect herself from the so called “abandonment.” But, I can’t seem to understand why I still have a soft corner for her. Were the highs that addicting that I forgot the lows? Or Was it the fact that all I want to remember are the good times because the bad times “weren’t so bad.” I guess in some ways i’m trying to understand, if this was the best thing to do. I’ve faded away from people but, have never been the one to be blocked. I’m not sure if that makes me too nice or a pushover, and thats what i’m trying to figure out.

[Insom]

Great questions, Struggler123.  I, too, can relate to having mixed or complicated feelings about going no contact.

Have you had a chance to check out our lesson on No Contact: the Right Way and the Wrong Way?  I found it interesting and helpful and thought you might, too.  Here's an intro:

Message boards are replete with advice for partners in borderline relationships to go "No Contact" - effect a sudden cold silence, "change the phone number!", "block the e-mails!", "run away into the dark of the night".

The message boards are also filled with many painful, failed attempts to go NC (No Contact)... .with the "No Contactors" repeatedly going back to the borderline partner - initiated by the non-borderline as often as by the borderline.

So why does No Contact fail?

Possibly because there is too much emphasis on the tactics and too little emphasis on the true objectives and priorities. Some times, non-borderlines launch into "No Contact" campaigns with only a vague understanding of what they are doing and they end up engaging in something that would be better called "the silent treatment". The silent treatment is not good - it is often characterized by professionals as an emotional manipulation; an abusive action in and of itself.

Where is the "disconnect"?

Let's face it - partners leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from physical abuse, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse. But most departing partners still love the borderline and are often bonded to their partner in an unhealthy way - in some cases to a level that could be described as co-dependent.

If this wasn't a significant, underlying factor, we wouldn't even need to talk about "No Contact" here. When you leave some one you love, it's important to really understand yourself and the unique hurdles you face.

So, what should you do?

- - -

You can click the highlighted link above to read the whole article.  Does any of this connect with you?

[once removed]

are you wanting to reconnect or get in touch with her?

[Struggler123]

are you wanting to reconnect or get in touch with her?

Honestly, no. I feel theres resentment on both ends. In her mind, she feels that she did the right thing and in my mind I feel like I did the right thing.  I think that in some cases, I may have become a trigger for her and if I really care about my well being and hers, its best to close this chapter. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like for the first time I failed in something, and thats what makes me wonder. I remember the times I messed up, even if they were little things, but even if I were to reconnect, I’m sure I won’t recognize this new personality shes adapted.

@Insom
I have read that article thank you. After analysing, I feel like we both were broken people acting like we are perfectly healthy. She was able to pick up the pieces quickly, and I suppose in some ways i’m realizing that I’ve been living my life for other people. My decisions, my insecurities, and in some ways my fear of failure which makes me feel so pessimistic about myself but yet so optimistic about everyone else. I think that my biggest problem, is acting and behaving to please those around me. It makes me question whether being so empathetic is a failure in itself and makes me question whether i’m capable of making decisions for myself, or will I always be dependent on someone else to give me meaning... .

[Insom]

As stupid as it sounds, I feel like for the first time I failed in something . . .

Nice job articulating one of the reasons disordered relationships can feel so addictive.  I remember trying and trying with my BPD ex and feeling disappointed in myself when things ultimately didn't work out.

I think that my biggest problem, is acting and behaving to please those around me. It makes me question whether being so empathetic is a failure in itself and makes me question whether i’m capable of making decisions for myself, or will I always be dependent on someone else to give me meaning... .

Would you like to say more about how pleasing people and being empathetic feel like problems?  What decisions are you struggling to make and how does your need to please feel like it's getting in the way?

[Struggler123]

Nice job articulating one of the reasons disordered relationships can feel so addictive.  I remember trying and trying with my BPD ex and feeling disappointed in myself when things ultimately didn't work out.

Would you like to say more about how pleasing people and being empathetic feel like problems?  What decisions are you struggling to make and how does your need to please feel like it's getting in the way?

I’m sorry to hear that you went through that as well. Its very hard to form a relationship with someone that spends so much effort sabotaging the one thing stable in their life.

In terms of my BPD ex, everytime I would try to change one of her unhealthy behavoirs, she would tell me how her ex had been through much worse. It was almost as if everything was a test of resistance, to see how much I could take before calling quits. I left the ball in her court everytime, And maybe thats what made the relationship last as long as it did. I always stayed calm and collective when any average person wouldve been angry.

In terms of people pleasing, I feel as if people pleasers and being empathetic always attracts the fixer role. It’s as if I’m attracted towards this role of being some sort of superhero. I could not know someone, and after one conversation make them feel comfortable to tell me their problems. As weird as if may sound but I can tell other peoples feelings better than my own, because my feelings have been supressed for so long. Now when I think about it, I don’t know what things to look for in a relationship, people say “it just feels right” maybe in the movies, but in real life what qualities define a healthy relationship... .

[Struggler123]

I suppose at times I’m trying to figure out how I can make changes to myself and understand more of how and why I was so blindsided. Was it the lack of experience? Or Was it because I never experienced something so unreal?

[once removed]

In terms of people pleasing, I feel as if people pleasers and being empathetic always attracts the fixer role. It’s as if I’m attracted towards this role of being some sort of superhero. I could not know someone, and after one conversation make them feel comfortable to tell me their problems. As weird as if may sound but I can tell other peoples feelings better than my own, because my feelings have been supressed for so long.

its a relationship model and dynamic that you gravitate toward, Struggler (many of us do).

looking back, when do you feel it started?

in real life what qualities define a healthy relationship... .

why not open a separate thread here on the Learning board, and lets talk about it? im sure lots of folks would love to chime in, and it would benefit everyone.

[Struggler123]

its a relationship model and dynamic that you gravitate toward, Struggler (many of us do).

looking back, when do you feel it started?

why not open a separate thread here on the Learning board, and lets talk about it? im sure lots of folks would love to chime in, and it would benefit everyone.

Honestly i’m not sure, as far as I can remember I’ve always been that friend that everyone comes to for advice. At times I’ve even been the one trying to resolve conflicts and I for the most part remained very calm. Its only now that I feel like I’ve been living my life the wrong way, my happiness shouldnt have to depend on other people but it does. I’m trying better to come to terms with the idea that I can’t make everyone happy. But its something I know I will have to work on. I suppose in someways we attract a certain type of person based on our vibes as well, but what do you do in such a case? Be angry and non empathetic, and selfish? What is the common grounds?  I’ll actually post that now because I’d like feedback on that. Its something I’ve been thinking about for days.

[once removed]

I suppose in someways we attract a certain type of person based on our vibes as well, but what do you do in such a case? Be angry and non empathetic, and selfish? What is the common grounds? 

i can relate to being a person that others come to for advice. i still like helping others. its one reason that after years, im still here doing it.

the short answer really, starts with self awareness. i had to look at my role in helping others, and what i was getting out of it, what was driving me (as youre doing here). in some cases it was feelings of self worth. in other cases it gave me feelings of power... .power is kind of a strong word, but i felt more competent and more capable by directing others, where i didnt in my own life. in some cases it became a distraction from my life. self awareness isnt change, but its a catalyst. when we find these things about ourselves, and theyre no longer working out for us, its hard to stick with them.

having realized those things, i learned not to overstep my own boundaries, or someone elses. i limit my role in helping others (that can mean lots of things), appropriately. sometimes all i do is listen. sometimes all i do is listen and ask validating questions that help the other person work things out themselves. sometimes when im asked, i share advice or what i might do if i were in the situation.

the neat thing about taking those steps is that i feel these days that im better at helping others than i used to be, and thats rewarding.

when someone comes to us for help or advice, you have a triangle... .either the Winners Triangle or a Karpman Drama Triangle. im mindful of the ways in which i participate. over time and with practice, i find my automatic responses, those old codependent tendencies, have shifted in some cases.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

can you give an example(s) of where helping others has gone awry?

[Struggler123]

i can relate to being a person that others come to for advice. i still like helping others. its one reason that after years, im still here doing it.

the short answer really, starts with self awareness. i had to look at my role in helping others, and what i was getting out of it, what was driving me (as youre doing here). in some cases it was feelings of self worth. in other cases it gave me feelings of power... .power is kind of a strong word, but i felt more competent and more capable by directing others, where i didnt in my own life. in some cases it became a distraction from my life. self awareness isnt change, but its a catalyst. when we find these things about ourselves, and theyre no longer working out for us, its hard to stick with them.

having realized those things, i learned not to overstep my own boundaries, or someone elses. i limit my role in helping others (that can mean lots of things), appropriately. sometimes all i do is listen. sometimes all i do is listen and ask validating questions that help the other person work things out themselves. sometimes when im asked, i share advice or what i might do if i were in the situation.

the neat thing about taking those steps is that i feel these days that im better at helping others than i used to be, and thats rewarding.

when someone comes to us for help or advice, you have a triangle... .either the Winners Triangle or a Karpman Drama Triangle. im mindful of the ways in which i participate. over time and with practice, i find my automatic responses, those old codependent tendencies, have shifted in some cases.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

can you give an example(s) of where helping others has gone awry?

I think its spot on what you said how some tendecies tend to distract us from our own lives and I suppose that by running away from my problems for instance its easier to help others with theirs, which in some ways I feel like can be a problem itself because if we can’t help ourselves what good does it make to others. In some ways, I feel the same thing is not receiprocated, theres only a handful people that I know would help me if I needed it, but yet the people for instance I would help per say I know would not be able to offer the same amount of patience.  I just feel like its easy to be manipulated when your an empath. I’ve seen people treat me like crap, and when I took a stand for it, they denied it and manipulated me into thinking I was the one that took things “too sensitively.” I guess thats what i’m trying to figure out, how do you start with boundaries when you assume the best in people

[once removed]

i dont think empathy (the ability to understand a persons perspective and why they feel the way they do) makes a person more or less predisposed to be manipulated by someone. you might be talking about sympathy or compassion, and i dont think those necessarily make a person more likely to be manipulated either. you can have all of those things, and have healthy boundaries.

how do you start with boundaries when you assume the best in people

boundaries are less about our assumptions of people, good or bad, and how we live/behave according to our values. your values may dictate that you see the best in people, but thats distinct from how you act or behave.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries