Why you should NOT consider telling your SO they have BPD

[Zakade]

Let me start by saying that anyone that is trying or thinking of trying to tell their SO that they have BPD... .DON'T!  Learn through me and what I have experienced.  Before I came here and learned more about BPD, I thought it would be a good idea.  I was wrong.

I thought that I had finally got through to my wife to get help and everything seemed fine.  She said that she could relate to what was being said about people with BPD.  She felt bad and seemed like she was genuinely remorseful... .for the first  two weeks.  The third week started to show cracks.  She didn't want to call the DBT place because she felt she would start crying and wouldn't be able to finish the phone call.  I told her to make a list of questions that she wanted asked and I would call for her.  She gave me the list on Wednesday and we talked about it to see if there were other things to add to the list.  After sometime, she began, "Why is this DBT the only treatment?  Why can't I go to a therapist that does DBT?  This feels like an ultimatum."  I said, "Fair enough.  If you would rather see the therapist, let's start there.  Make an appointment with her and we'll see how it goes."  Thursday night, "Did you call that place with my questions?"  I said, "I thought that we agreed that you would see that other therapist that specializes in DBT.  I'll call Monday because I have a business trip for tomorrow and I won't be able to call." 

Saturday, she was using my Amazon account to look up a gift for my daughter.  Instead, she perused my "recently view" list and found that I had looked at a book titled with the word Narcissist.  As you can probably guess, this is where the wheels fell off.  She said, "You think I'm a narcissist?"  I told her no I don't believe she's a narcissist.( didn't even hear me ) "I'm not a narcissist."  "I agree."  "Why are you looking at books with that in the title?"  "I don't have a good answer to that question. I may have clicked on it but it doesn't mean that I think you are a narcissist, because I don't."

The conversation just devolved from there.  Accusations of me being a liar, a cheat, and having mommy issues.  I kept my cool through most of it but when I did slip a little, I pulled back.  Now she is saying that I have her diagnosed and I'm not a professional and the therapist she is going to see told her that she didn't have BPD. "Why can't it be PTSD?"  "I'm not saying it's not, I'm saying that there is more to it than the symptoms from PTSD."  And now we are back to me being the narcissist and having no emotions.  Now she is seeing the therapist that disagreed with me.  And she is accusing me of not helping her when she gave me the questions a week ago and I refuse to call.   *sigh*

I can't help but laugh to myself as this is all happening.  Not because it's funny to see her this way but to see the dance from more as a spectator role and wonder how I never noticed it before.  There was no rescuer role in sight.  She couldn't play the rescuer role because I never needed rescuing.  I refused to play so the triangle was broken.  I could see how she waffles back and forth between persecutor and victim.  It's really refreshing to not run in when she starts playing the victim.  Then when I don't rescue, I watch as she reverts back to persecutor.  Even though it is fascinating, it doesn't make it any less stressful.

I wanted to share this to reiterate that telling them that they have BPD is a major no no in my book.  Once you open the box, you can't put it back.  They can't see the problem through the limited emotional understanding.  It's like trying to tell a 2 year old that she is being immature and inappropriate and to shape up.  In that moment, they don't care what you have to say.

I hope that this helps other people that are struggling with this question.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

there are a host of reasons why we shouldnt tell our partners they have BPD. among them are:

1. we, as loved ones, are not necessarily in the best place to view or approach this objectively

2. it labels our partners as the ones with "the problem", suggests that they are defective, puts us in a one up position

3. they probably dont. they probably have BPD traits. a lot of us look at the DSM criteria, check off boxes, and say "my loved one has this". clinical diagnosis doesnt work this way.

The conversation just devolved from there.  Accusations of me being a liar, a cheat, and having mommy issues.  I kept my cool through most of it but when I did slip a little, I pulled back. 

youll notice that when she accused you of being a liar, a cheat, and having mommy issues, that your response was not "you might be right. with your help, i would like to look into a therapist who specializes in these things".

I can't help but laugh to myself as this is all happening.  Not because it's funny to see her this way but to see the dance from more as a spectator role and wonder how I never noticed it before.  There was no rescuer role in sight.  She couldn't play the rescuer role because I never needed rescuing.  I refused to play so the triangle was broken.  I could see how she waffles back and forth between persecutor and victim.  It's really refreshing to not run in when she starts playing the victim.  Then when I don't rescue, I watch as she reverts back to persecutor.  Even though it is fascinating, it doesn't make it any less stressful.

Zakade, lets say you found out your partner was googling books like "why is my partner a loser?" or "my partner drinks too much", or "how do i leave my partner", or "how do i fix my partners mommy issues". how would you respond?

the karpman drama triangle helps us observe our role in conflict, and pivot with a mature response. observing her and her actions with judgment (empathy and understanding her perspective can go a long way here) is playing on the drama triangle.

what is your partners perspective here, and why? what is a mature, conflict resolution oriented response?

[Zakade]

Yep, I didn't do everything I could have or handle certain things in a better way.  I totally agree with that and those are the things that I'm working on outside of conflicts so that when I get to conflicts it will be more natural response.  I am getting better outside of conflict but admittedly, I'm not there in the midst of it.  

Zakade, lets say you found out your partner was googling books like "why is my partner a loser?" or "my partner drinks too much", or "how do i leave my partner", or "how do i fix my partners mommy issues". how would you respond?
 

To give the most sincere answer possible, I would say that initially, I would be a little surprised if none of that talk came up before.  If it had, I wouldn't be surprised at all.  I know from past occurrences myself that jumping to conclusions usually ends badly.  I really try to take Habit 5 (Seek first to understand and then to be understood) to be gospel.  I really don't let my head swim with 10,000 questions of "what does this mean?"  I will ask them why they were looking at those types of books first.  If they give me some answer that seems to avoid, then I might ask if they had any feelings that way toward me.  If they said no, I would most likely believe them because there aren't enough facts to say that what they said is incorrect.  

So in the end, I'm probably much better at expressing myself when it comes to problems I have with others but not as good with people that come at me with guns blazing (I admittedly duck and cover).  These are my vises as it stands.

[once removed]

youd feel pretty judged though if she looked up "why is my partner a loser", though, right? its a loaded term. so is "narcissist".

if i were in her position, at least one question id be asking is, "if my partner thinks im a narcissist and needs help on dealing with me, why would they want to be with me?".

obviously you didnt intend for her to see the search. since you told her you dont think shes a narcissist, ill assume thats what you believe, and it was good to say so, but that was still probably gonna take some "blowing off steam" to process. she didnt do it in the most constructive way, obviously. but the important step is to listen and understand... .it can take some pressure off. keeps her focused on expressing her feelings of surprise and hurt rather than offense/defense.

[Zakade]

youd feel pretty judged though if she looked up "why is my partner a loser", though, right?

Again, until I heard an explanation from my wife, I would probably not react to it at all. I really have been training myself to ask better questions.  Instead of, "why does she hate me?" or "Why does she think I'm a loser?", I would probably ask myself, "I wonder if she really feels that way about me?" or "Could she be looking this up for another reason? Friend? School research? Work?"  But it is much hard to ask such questions when you are under attack.  I don't use this to my best ability during conflict but I am working on it.   

I've been looking at the open-ended questions that people ask themselves and they are not very helpful.  Most of them involve WHY questions.  When you ask open-ended questions, your brain will look for the answer even if it doesn't make sense.  "Why does this always happen to me?"  Your brain says, "I know why.  Because you're a turkey and nobody likes turkeys."  Then you say "oh, yeah.  I forgot I was a turkey.  That explains it."  It's much better to ask questions like "What does this mean that I haven't considered yet?"  or one of my favorite, "What can I learn from this?"  Your brain is going to look for answers, they might as well be ones that empower you rather than tear you down.

I completely understand that this way of thinking is not the norm and most people are going to jump to the conclusion that my wife did.  It's a fair assessment. So I understand but when you tell the truth and you are told that you are lying, it makes it much harder to try in the future.  I've even agreed with what she said hurt her feelings and said that I was sorry and she still continued on a tirade.  Pretty tough stuff.

[once removed]

I completely understand that this way of thinking is not the norm and most people are going to jump to the conclusion that my wife did.  It's a fair assessment. So I understand but when you tell the truth and you are told that you are lying, it makes it much harder to try in the future.  I've even agreed with what she said hurt her feelings and said that I was sorry and she still continued on a tirade.  Pretty tough stuff.

it is tough. this clearly struck a big nerve with her, and she blew. often times, theres not a lot you can do in that case that is constructive.

active listening can help... .asking validating questions can be soothing, and show we "get it". not always.

[once removed]

any update Zakade? what happened since?

[Zakade]

Been on my holiday vacation and haven't been able to get on to check in lately.  I'm finally through the craziest part of the holiday season.  Not too much to report as of right now.  Been working on keeping an even keel on my moods and actions.  My wife has been reading about PTSD and I have been following in her footsteps.  I can see where PTSD and BPD are/can go hand and hand.  It has given me more insight into what is happening with her when she has an episode.  I can see now that there is trauma that has not been dealt with and that means unlike "normal" people, who have gone through something and compartmentalized an event, they haven't been able to do that and so when something penetrates the wall surrounding those memories, they become really and alive once again.  The weird thing is that it can be anything from a smell to a sound or a sequence of familiar events. 

Her counselor has told her that it's PTSD and she is pretty sure that's what it is too.  I really don't know but I'm going to move forward with this because the treatment is pretty much the same so if it works, I don't care what you call it. 

Most of the time she is pretty distant.  Not physically so much as mentally.  Things are upsetting her in different ways but I do see some of the old signs showing up again.  I'm going to give the treatment with the counselor some time. 

Zakade

[Steps31]

I keep seeing this about "don't tell your partner"
OK, so how do we bring this up and get them to acknowledge their part and start treatment?

[once removed]

Her counselor has told her that it's PTSD and she is pretty sure that's what it is too.

diagnosis of BPD can be tricky. my ex was diagnosed with bipolar, and not BPD. she likely wouldnt qualify for a diagnosis, though i can say in my unexpert opinion that she has presented a number of traits for most of her life. she was 24 when we broke up... .a lot of it can look like common, if dysfunctional 20 something problems.

remember, a diagnosis isnt a panacea (though it can help), and i think youre right that treatment is a great step. she will need your support.

Things are upsetting her in different ways but I do see some of the old signs showing up again. 

what things? what old signs?

OK, so how do we bring this up and get them to acknowledge their part and start treatment?

in general, it is messy boundaries to change and shape a person into whom we want them to be. i think a lot of us get caught up in that, and you might be surprised how much seeing our partners as the problem, and as people who need to be fixed, can contribute to the dysfunction.

however, the best way to change influence someone is to lead by example... .to be ideal relationship partners, who model the kind of relationship we want to have, and emotional leaders that steer our relationship into healthier territory. if our relationships have the fundamental "right stuff", over time and consistent, collaborative problem solving, both partners, and the relationship itself, will grow.