Hello, I am scared overwhelmed

[DharmaGate]

Hello, adult child with BPD, I am scared overwhelmed and glad to find you thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Manifest32f]

Hi: welcome to the site. I am also fairly new here and find immense support and helpful information here. I also need assistance in dealing with my adult child who has some of the traits and I am going through rough times like you. So I know how hard it must be for you. We are here to help and support each other through this rough path by learning skills to keep ourselves safe and healthy. Please take care and read up on materials that are available here so you could utilize them in day to day life to maintain your health. Good luck

[DharmaGate]

 OK had some time to read some of your posts and understand more of what was going on here !I have a 35-year-old daughter who is struggling horrible with borderline personality disorder traits .  The good but very painful news is she’s beginning to understand that it’s something internal going on and not externally driven by everything in the world.  it’s almost worse to watch her realize and accept it’s something she needs to address so that’s why I found this group.  
 I emailed a counselor, reading quit walking on eggshells and I’m signing up for a dialectical behavioral skills group online because I don’t want my fear and needs to interfere with her getting help.  I need to manage my powerless feelings like guilt feelings.  
 She has always had a ton of social anxiety  and measure up to what she believes she should be. yesterday she canceled a small Christmas get together with her in-laws and me and a couple other people and I know she feel so much shame she said she was sick.  anyway I’m worried she’s going to do something extreme like can’t be undone and it’s terrifying.  Thanks for reading!

[DharmaGate]

Manifest, thank you so much for posting!  I must’ve been typing at the same time you are thank you so much for the welcome and you’re so right about learning skills and taking care of myself wishing you the best too.  Soo hard.

[Only Human]

Hello DharmaGate 

I join Manifest32f in welcoming you to the family. While I'm sorry for what brings you here, I'm glad you've found us - many parents here will agree a strong support group is critical.

Manifest32f says it very well:

We are here to help and support each other through this rough path by learning skills to keep ourselves safe and healthy.

There is a lot of information here, it can be overwhelming to some. Please look around at your own pace, ask questions, and get settled in.

So that we can know how best to support you, if you are comfortable doing so, I invite you to post an introduction here: 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210614.0

As RaptReader says in that thread,

the more we know about each others' needs the more valuable and supportive a resource we can be to one another. 

Again, welcome   I look forward to hearing more from you.

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi DharmaGate and welcome.  I am glad you reached out to us as our members can support you as you work your way through your relationship with your daughter and learn how best to support yourself and her. 

When do you start your online DBT?  It is great that you are learning these skills as they will help the both of you. 

I hope you settle in and get comfortable here.  We have lots to read too but I think the most benefit is reading and posting in other peoples threads.  It lets you know you are not alone and it allows allos you to draw on the collective wisdom and strength that is here.

Again, welcome!

[DharmaGate]

 Thanks again for the welcome! the collective wisdom here is amazing!  after reading peoples threads last night I felt a new Hope . I start DBT the third week of January I can’t wait!  Will post more and answer those questions when I am at a computer, typing on phone which I am worried violates the rules of clear posting I read last night. I will read for now thank u all for your honesty and bravery helping me so much. I burst into tears so often love and peace to us all

[Only Human]

Hello DharmaGate,

DBT for us is such a good idea. I'm looking into it for myself.

Will post more and answer those questions when I am at a computer, typing on phone which I am worried violates the rules of clear posting I read last night.

I wanted to assure you that posting from your phone does not violate any of the community guidelines and many members access the boards with their phones. You may be thinking of this:

1.8 Language and Terminology: Members are encouraged to express themselves and feel at ease in doing so. We ask that everyone write legibly and not purposely use misspelled words or incorrect grammar and punctuation. We also ask members to post in conventional paragraphs and only use free verse formatting for poems and songs. Chat room and texting abbreviations, jargon, and slang should be used minimally. Racial, ethnic, religious, and sexual slurs and vulgar language are prohibited. Emoticons are provided as additional punctuation to clarify the meaning of sentences. Please do not use them excessively or for other purposes. Inappropriate language and excessive punctuation are periodically corrected by the software.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#language

I echo what Harri said here:

We have lots to read too but I think the most benefit is reading and posting in other peoples threads. 

I look forward to hearing more from you 

~ OH

[DharmaGate]

Only human thanks! That is what I read about complete sentences and such. So I am getting arthritis worse from typing on here so using diciation. So the posts I have made so far are they acceptable?  I can see why if people are trying to compile research it helps to be able to understand what people are saying. Thanks!

[Only Human]

The posts you have made are absolutely acceptable, DharmaGate. I'm impressed that you're able to use dictation and get what you want to say. I always get something that isn't remotely close to what I said.

~ OH

[DharmaGate]

Only Human, thanks for the support I did the introductory post, you linked to

I use the microphone but then go back and have to correct a bunch of stuff, which is hard to see on that darn little phone! But when there is a will there is a way.

Hope your day is good

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi DharmaGate

I join others welcoming you   I'm glad you found us and reached out for support, it is overwhelming and scary, as you'll see here we've got you,  you've got us.  

The good but very painful news is she’s beginning to understand that it’s something internal going on and not externally driven by everything in the world.    

This is key to our children helping themselves, insight and acceptance things just ain't quite right. This is where my 30DD arrived at in 2015, she learnt there is help out there, she's not alone.

I’m worried she’s going to do something extreme like can’t be undone and it’s terrifying.

What are you terrified your DD might do, that can't be undone?

Is your DD sharing with you how she's feeling, what's happening?

WDx

[DharmaGate]

Wendydarling,  
I would give anything for my daughter to understand what you wrote... ."There is help out there and she is not alone."

I am worried she could kill herself by drinking too much and falling down or something like that.  A few years ago we were on the phone and she passed out, or dropped the phone or something and I could hear we were still connected but didn't know what was going on.  I called the police and and drove the longest five miles of my life.  Got there she was alive and soo mad at me! I!ll take the mad at me. Mostly worried about "an accident" I don't think she would consciously implement a suicide plan but everything in our family is coming to a head and she is right in the middle of it.

"Is your DD sharing with you how she's feeling, what's happening?"

As we all know, none of this is simple or straight forward I will try and be as concise as I can!

I just moved back to our hometown three months ago.  I am sure this un stabilized her some and she may have been idealizing me some after a long period of un idealizing me. She was texting and calling all throughout the day and into night. I loved talking with her but I when her words were getting slurry I would have to go as it reminded me of the last time she dropped the phone.  So she was telling me lots of stuff while she was drinking and smoking weed.  
Our family is at a personality disorder crisis in my opioion, partly why I came back.  My mom was my daughters rock, she died six years ago, told my brother and sister to take care of my daughter and so they'd taken over the idealized position. Well my 82 year old dad with bi polar and narrassist traits started giving money away and my brother and sister tried to take control and my dad is making some stipulation that for my brother to be head of the trust, he has to be sober, my brother who has been the hero of the family freaked, this has never happened and now everyone is destabilized.  Which is not necessarily a bad thing but we all are having to rethink our realities.  

So this relates to my daughter talking to me, so she was sharing a lot.  That she at 35 has realized she may have a mental illness, that she has been afraid to drive and go out, that she is worried about her drinking (showed me an app), her anxiety is sky high.  Then I don't know what happened. A week ago she was so posed to have me, her mother and father in law, brother and sister in law over for a Christmas get together. Seemed she was looking forward to it.  She said her mother in law was having trouble letting go of the reins and wanted to come and help her prepare for it on Saturday, so Saturday came and I didn't get any texts from her, so I assumed she was getting ready with mother and law and wanted to give her space to hopefully have pride she did this without me.  And this is where it gets tricky for me, I had thought of her many times during the day and thought about making contact but I was also relieved to rest as I need to watch my own stress levels.  

So Sunday came and she called and said she had had the stomach flu Saturday, throwing up and was canceling the get together.  I was fine with that and told her if I had my way she would only have to concentrate on absolulutly essential things right now, she thanked me for not being upset.

So then I didn't hear from her for another day and that is when I found you guys I didn't know what to do.  I am a huge part of her struggles, our life has been unstable since day one. Had her when I was seventeen, moved all the time, ect. Gave her everything I had and that was pretty much nothing! I have been working on myself for thirty years non stop, just found my own peace in last few years.  So I need to learn how to best interact with her.  From reading on here, I have been sending one non emotional text a day that she responds to.  she is going to New York City with I laws and husband in few days (I think mother in law has taken the unidealized place, she has just been married a year and having trouble navigating that) then starts a new full time job in January. Her plate is full:(.  

Ok enough for now can't thank you all enough, reading has saved me from bugging her.

[DharmaGate]

Wendy darling   we texted then she called tonight. Nice conversation, she was not using, I listened way more after reading on here  all week.  I did not try and get her to see others points of view (like mother in law) like I often do.  I told her I see the wisdom in much of what she does.  She talked about her new job, upcoming trip to New York City.  I made extended family info super quick just the essentials. I told her I so appreciate her loving and caring for me all these years and I am stronger now, pretty happy with my resilience so what I really want going forward is for her to do what she needs to do concerning family, this is her time, I can take care of myself, we both have been through hell and back and I am really proud of both of us

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Dharmagate
It seems to me like you are making really great progress in helping your daughter. I am glad you found this place.

[DharmaGate]

FaithHopeLovekC, I love your username thanks for making contact, gives me chance to explain this phone call with her did not happen in a few days of being here, years of laying ground work!

I feel like finding this site was the missing pieces to the puzzle, and I think our ages have much to do with it, my daughter is 35, is the age where I think many of us realize we do not know everything, life has humbled some of us.  Me being gone left her with her symptoms it became clear to her they were hers, and they have come to the point where they can not be ignored or blamed on someone else. 

The progress you see with myself and my ud35 does not show the back story of extreme pain, suffering, confusion, loneliness, rage, ect and the extreme measures I have gone to.

I  read many of the tools on the site (survivor to thriver, grief work, communication skills) and I see I did a lot of the emotional, educational healing work before I got here, like 30 years worth! Still tons to do! So I was able to read the suggestions of validate, ect and use them right away.  I have done dbt for years, now my life is an extension of that, my life is the skills.

I snowbirded and traveled the country for a couple of years, with my dog, till three months ago, to learn how really live mindfully without modern distractions. during this time I processed the ongoing choas, sadness, loss, I was able to have almost nothing on my plate other than focus on being centered, intergrat ing these skills and responding to family on phone.  I learned to live very simply and how to regain balance. 

The worst was my daughter getting married at a destination wedding last year and looking back she had me over the barrel and worked it!  Brought two stuffed animals I gave her as a child and gave them away, Whole family in one place, and put my brother and sister in charge who she loves and idealizes so much.  No mother of the bride role for me:(.  Like the toasts I had a beautiful one I had written out, I spent hours thinking about, my younger daughter was going to read it if I could not.  all of a sudden my very, very drunk brother was up saying something in coherent, then my sister, then my daughter was scaring me and the grooms family with her drunkenness at the wedding table.  It went on for three days, my exclusion and replacement by my brother and sister, so sad. Anyway because of my total commitment to being non reactive I kept rolling with it and the day after all this my daughter came back and connected with me and gave me a place again, posting stuff I gave her on Facebook, ect.   

Anyway I had decided a couple of years earlier I was done fighting my sucky role in the family, I was just going to accept whatever negativity came my way and work on loving them anyway for my own sake and if I couldn't love them I was at least going to try and not retaliate.  Was not perfect, did have to go back to hotel the day after she was married and deal with my feelings on my own.

So anyway just wanted to say this time with my daughter has not come without, blood, sweat and tears!  The most important thing i think is never giving up looking for more help, resources, education, support.  Trying and failing over and over 

And I didn't really see what was happening fully till now, coming to this site.

Thanks again for making contact, gave me chance to think this through

FaithHopeLove how are things with you?

[FaithHopeLove]

Dharmagate, I like your name too. Going by what you have shared it describes your journey well. You did say you had been to hell and back so I did not think your progress was easy. It never is. I hope you and your daughter continue to heal.

My DS24 was recently dxBPD after his first (hopefully last but who knows) hospitalization. This happened because he was at our house cutting his wrists, holding a knife to his throat and punching his hand through a glass window. A lot of what precipitated that was his gf of 8 years broke up with him. He blames me for forcing him into the psych ward. He also blames me for throwing him out of our house a year ago. The truth is my husband and I both threw him out because he was running an illegal weed business out of our basement. He is also addicted to cannabis. Nonetheless believe it or not we  have a pretty good relationship. He is very close to my husband. They have been spending lots of time together lately practicing driving, looking at apartments for him to move to when his lease is up (he wants to move out because that is where he lived with his gf) etc. DS does not want to spend time with me now. But that's OK. I text him about once a week. Very short "I love you" messages. He texts back "love you too" and for now that is enough.

So I do get what you mean about this being a long journey. I am thankful for you and everyone who reminds me we do not journey a!one.

[wendydarling]

Hi Dharmagate

Deep respect to you, that’s some work you’ve been doing   and it’s interesting to hear bpdfamily is part of the missing puzzle.  

I would give anything for my daughter to understand what you wrote... ."There is help out there and she is not alone. "Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

You’ve already started helping her, understand. There is a world of support out there, my 30DD has a twitter account 5k followers, sharing resources, connecting with others, just like we do here. She’s in her second round of DBT (refresher) last night when I arrived home she said, she’d not been doing her homework recently (she’s already completed the worksheets…). So instead she prepared a self-care, sooth box and took her favourite 3 books to share. This is a young woman who was very ill 15/16. Our kids can turn it round and there is a whole community out there helping each other. There is hope.

You are terrified things will unravel, being realistic and prepared if that happens is the most loving and kindest way to support your DD.

Small steps, oodles of patience and as you say positivity.
 
WDx

[DharmaGate]

Faithhopelove thank you so much for helping us to get to know each other  so we can support each other in the journey ahead.  I believe I know what you mean about a I love you text being enough for now. After going through this stuff just having them alive takes on whole new meaning.

On tiny phone trying to type will keep it short please write any time or start a thread and I will come say hi

Love that you said the best thing about your son is his compassion. I am thinking of going back to Alanon if needed too.

Wendy darling love thinking of your daughter with her self soothe box and 5,000 followers right on!

Sending love to all tonight can’t thank you all enough

[DharmaGate]

WendyDarling, Is it ok to use this thread like a journal? Or is there a better way/place to do that? Everything can get so confused, I like to write the facts of what happened, as close to the time they happened, before i or someone else get it twisted up. thanks for the heads up on what great strides these kids can make when they get moving!

FaithHopeLove,   How scary with the knife, that kind of forces our hand to do something:( like get him checked into psych ward). Stinks when left no choice but to respond then get blamed for responding, same with weed business in the basement:(.  Same with daughter dropping phone and me calling police. From joining this board and reading people's stories I am really coming to appreciate how traumatic these episodes are. What can be more scary than not knowing if our kids will make it:(. 

Soo
My daughter came over last night and we exchanged gifts.  This she made it over was a big deal.  She says she has been struggling with so much anxiety and keeps cancelling things.  Earlier in the week I told her zero pressure I have had the same happen often.  We both loved out gifts and had a causal easy conversation.  After about an hour I asked how she was with extended family stuff (we had a family crisis recently) she said pretty good, she wants a relationship with all of us.  she was going to get ahold of Grandpa when she gets back and have coffee.  Said she has not been drinking for last week, said she is not really quiting but is not "going to drink just because anymore."  She talked about a time when her and her sister went with her grandpa to the lawyers after my mom died who explained how the trust was going to work that my brother would be executive of. She said she does not want to be equal with my brother and sister, she wants a aunt and uncle relationship.  She said she has idealized my brother and sister. 
She said just because someone is good at something does not necessarily mean that it is in the best interest of that person to be put in charge of it within the family, she said think of how different things might be if grandma before she died, had not put uncle In charge.  I about fell over listening! I said I totally knew what she meant and I had been thinking about how I was sorry that I had turned to her and sister for things (parentification). Told her I would quit doing that. So I now need to go to the adult child with a disordered parent board to begin working through my family of origin messed up roles and see if we can create some healthier roles.

[Only Human]

I told her I see the wisdom in much of what she does.
... .
I told her I so appreciate her loving and caring for me all these years and I am stronger now, pretty happy with my resilience so what I really want going forward is for her to do what she needs to do concerning family, this is her time, I can take care of myself

This is really great to see, DharmaGate.  You have given your DD the gift of letting her know you're good, she needn't worry about you, and you also let her know you she is free to do what she must do for herself, her own wellbeing, concerning family.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DharmaGate]

 Only human I think you are right about how pivotal that statement might’ve been I think it opened the door for her to become aware she does not want to be in the middle of this family stuff that she wants healthy appropriate relationships with everyone in the family