Too many forces at play to resolve?

[GordianKnot]

My second marriage. My BPD wife got pregnant after a couple years of dating. The signs were there but they seemed to be mainly alcohol-driven, and she cut out alcohol which helped quite a bit. Although in retrospect I was getting the demo-version. Nonetheless, it was only after a) childbirth, b) a traumatic episode with her sociopathic brother,  c) relapse into alcoholism of her NPD parents and d) parental estrangement after her father, who we worked with, went Captain Queeg including stealing her car, stealing the business, and trying to blow up our lives in numerous ways (we don't need that help).

I've been painted as an abuser, which isn't true. My wife has had multiple highly agitated  episodes -- one of which required restraining her which resulted in injuries. She also had a seizure (from mixing drugs) and passed out, hitting her head and resulting in traumatic injury, which her parents likely interpreted as caused by me. Finally, as seems to be the nature of the beast, she sends out little half truths (never talks, only texts) that leave lots of room for misinterpretation including one during an agitated state and argument during Pristiq withdrawal which perhaps implied abuse. These are always deleted so theres no way of knowing.

It's easy to see where her trauma comes from. Her father had an enormously troubled childhood, is essentially once-successful but now losing it version of Trump who -- once the alcohol kicked back in -- is machiavellian NPD.

So... .she's the adult child of NPs which is of course bad news for me. She's BPD, was functional, but no longer. We just spent a month with friends who implored me to hospitalize her, mainly for being a completely inattentive parent (we had a nanny until recently). 

We have an amazing 4-year old daughter. And I mean amazing. I have an adult child and --at least so far -- there is nothing but joy, intelligence, humor, wonder and an even keel on this little girl.

Now, the details of the horror-show:
- My wife is on anti-psychotics and lithium. Fairly addicted to xanax also.
- She thinks she has a business but with 8 hours a day to do as she pleased she worked about an hour a week. She's charming with clients -- they don't see the side her family does -- but her lack of responsibility makes earning a long shot at best
-- We were "working" together but that didn't work. It did waste 2 years of my life.
-- After being comfortable, borderline well-to-do, we're now on financial ropes as a result of divorce, her lying about being able to share expenses and work, and a few bad breaks.
-- The spectre of addiction always looms large. She's let alcohol creep back into her life, sneaks drinks, blames me for her not being able to relax with a drink (even though in rational moments she acknowledges the terrible impact it's had on her
-- As her parents (sick as they are) always said, it's always something that prevents her from being responsible

This I'm sure is the same experience as most her have. My question is about opinions--is there any hope of fixing this over time with, or are there just too many things stacked against that.

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[once removed]

hi GordianKnot and

My question is about opinions--is there any hope of fixing this over time with, or are there just too many things stacked against that.

there is always hope, especially with a strong support system, and the tools and skills you can learn here. in my three and a half years here, ive seen some of the worst cases turned around.

obviously, nothing will be solved overnight, and its generally suggested not to try to tackle too much too soon, but to gradually shift our approach and our relationships to a healthier model. often times, our partners follow our lead.

we're now on financial ropes as a result of divorce,

whos divorce? how long have the two of you been together?

[GordianKnot]

Hello and thank you, once removed. Support system is something we'll have to build. We have just the opposite with her parents. They are quite active in trying to disrupt our lives and break up our marriage.

We're both divorced, the more recent one is mine. Hers was many years back.

I'm starting to realize that tackling too much too soon is a definite issue. Part of the issue is time. Over a year ago when we broke off relations with her parents we were supposed to be working on a fresh start. One of the issues is that my wife will not work at anything. Won't put anything in writing. Words are denied, or turned into salad.

Thanks greatly for the encouragement.  How do I (re)start?

[Skip]

Is there an issue that affects health and safety?

[GordianKnot]

There have been a few incidents in the past where she's become physically agitated to the point of a safety issue. That hasn't happened in a few years.  Alcohol was always involved.

Alcohol is a contentious point. When we were dating, recognizing the adverse impact of alcohol, she unilaterally decided to cut it out (as far as I know).  We continued that way until our daughter's birth.  Since then, she's decided a couple of drinks are OK. And they have been, so far. Except that:

• It makes me nervous, given the past
• I have to be the governor. She asks permission (she holds that against me). If I don't say stop, she'll keep drinking--when I say enough, that becomes contentious
• Her parents alcoholism was a key factor in our having to cut off our relationship. I feel, given the issues alcohol has caused in the past, we should take if off the table. She disagrees, and resents that. Perhaps I'm unreasonable.

I hear the phrase walking on eggshells with this condition. No safety issues but it feels like we're a couple drinks away from one. 

[Yellowpearl]

Hey there,

Finally, as seems to be the nature of the beast, she sends out little half truths (never talks, only texts) that leave lots of room for misinterpretation including one during an agitated state and argument

Texts can often be misinterpreted, good point there. That can be multiplied, especially with a person with BPD so we have to be careful about back and forth texting when the BPD is an agitated state or is at high risk to be in one. I would recommend it you feel the conversation or texting is about to escalate, or she shares a half truth, to ask her to speak on the phone or call her. This is to prevent further agitation. On the phone if she gets agitated, by that point, you can tell her you will leave the conversation but be happy to talk to her another time during a calmer moment for you both.  A lot of communication problems can be cut down my minimizing texting that could lead to escalation and doing calls more. For example, there's certain people in my life, I try not to text much unless its lighthearted stuff because I know they are super sensitive and may take things the wrong way. Just a thought/suggestion.

It sounds like her problem with drinking is a major trouble area. How often is she drinking and have you thought or had a talk with her about her drinking?

If you take one problem at a time, and set boundaries along the way, it will make it a lot easier to work through this and smooth things over in the relationship. How manageable are things day to day for you?

[GordianKnot]

Thanks for your reply, and for caring.

Day to day? A really thought-provoking question!

We're in a life holding pattern (by choice) while sorting a plan--where to live, income source(s), handling her parents, the level of living we can afford. At a cabin I used to co-own. Its isolated, our little girl can be fairly unattended, dog can run around, not much to break, etc.  It's easy to control: no bar, liquor store bar or pharmacy to sneak to, no worries about the right clothes and 2 hours of prep to go to the convenience store, consequence free when I'm on a call and our little girl is effectively unattended.

Being here lessens the stress that my wife will do something damaging. The lack of progress, feeling of time slipping away, life without purpose, all exacerbate it.

She won't list goals, won't try to work or look for a job or even say what she'd like to do,  won't write, won't work out,  won't help, won't do anything for her theoretical job, or begin clearing up old lies. It's basically like living with two 4-years olds (and a dog) without help.

I've tried to talk about drinking. For some reason it's a lightning rod. But at this point it's also low on the list of problems day to day.

Outside alcohol she'll engage on myriad other issues, using varied approaches: acknowledge issue and need for change but do nothing, deny, deflect, etc. What I gather is the usual repertoire.

I'm starting to really understand this condition, I think.

Taking it one problem at a time seems a great approach -- thanks. How do you get that far?

As an example, she agreed to list issues/goals on a whiteboard. Whiteboard is key (she said)--paper hasn't worked. There's one here--it was dirty & needed markers. After research on how, she's cleaned it (with my help). I bought markers. A week later it's ready. Nothing written.

I can't get her to account for her time (I'd guess 10 hours sleep, 4 hours in the bathroom, 6 hours perusing social media, 4 hours assorted stuff that would take most 20 minutes).

I get moving slowly but at this rate we'll never get anywhere. How do you start?

Thank you again.

[Radcliff]

You see the need for her to change.

Does she want to change?

RC

[GordianKnot]

How would I know? 

In words, she recognizes her issues and says she would like to change. In actions, I don't see it.

But that seems consistent with the disorder, as does lying. So how does one know?

[Radcliff]

My thinking is that actions are the best indication.

The situation you are in must be immensely frustrating.  She seems far from functional, and you want and need a functional partner.  You know what she needs to do, and are prepared to help her.  The problem is that she is not doing the work.  I imagine you are both feeling the pressure of your unmet expectations.

You mentioned that alcohol has been an issue off and on.  Have you ever attended an Al-anon meeting?

RC