Struggling with my BPD(?) wife

[PeaceTrain]

Hi,
I recently moved back into my home after an 18 mo separation.  Although not diagnosed, I believe my wife has BPD.  Returning home I feel like I am walking into the lion's den.  The other day she had something of a containment failure after I put a bottle of balsamic vinegar I had moved from my apartment into the pantry without asking.  I have done a great deal of work with practicing not taking this stuff seriously and breathing through her reactions.  But I am tired.  I signed up for this site a number of months ago.  Returning now for support from the community.
Thank you for listening.

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[once removed]

The other day she had something of a containment failure after I put a bottle of balsamic vinegar I had moved from my apartment into the pantry without asking. 

what happened?

[RedArt]

I understand being tired!  I feel for you.  I'm hoping to also figure out how to feel at ease around someone who goes off the deep end over trivial things.  Good luck to you!

[PeaceTrain]

Hi Once Removed,

So I've been moved in now for a couple of weeks.  I'm basically upstairs - bedroom, office, some living space.  My wife indicated that she didn't want me to bring a bunch of stuff in the house.  She has often complained about too much "clutter" in the house - although as far as I can tell, much of it is hers and she is predisposed to impulsive buying and accumulating stuff we do not need.  Case in point - she is worried that I am going to bring a bunch of extra kitchen stuff (pots, pans, dishes, etc) when we already have too much stuff; although I noticed last week a new set of salad bowls showed up in the kitchen.  Anyway, I'm aware of this with her and I agreed that I would just move everything upstairs and we could go through together and sort out what to put away in the kitchen, what to box up and put in the attic (for use in the event we split), what to put out on the curb, and what to donate.  This included all of my food from my pantry in my apt.  So, over the course of the last couple of weeks, I did put some cleaning supplies away and a few other items.  Even though I gave her a heads up that I put some cleaning supplies in the cabinet where we store that stuff, she took issue with this and rebuked as it is a trigger for her when she sees new things.  Similarly, with the balsamic vinegar.  I was preparing my lunch and needed the vinegar.  So I got it from a box upstairs, used it, and then put it in the cabinet.  Later, I told her about it.  After which she was like "So this is how it's going to be?" and accused me of being passive aggressive and breaking our agreement to discuss things first, etc, etc, ending with "I can't do this any more" and "I feel so unsafe" etc.  The energy coming from her was quite palpable and uncomfortable. 

So, anyway, that's what happened. 

Nothing new here with this sort of behavior.  I don't believe I violated any boundaries here and I think it was perfectly reasonable of me to put the vinegar away.  Today, I continue to practice with remembering that this isn't about me.  To not react with the same energy coming at me - stay calm, quiet voice, "i hear you", etc.  By returning home, this is what I've signed up for - eyes wide open.  I cannot afford to support two households, it is a little silly for me to be in an apt when I own a house, and I want more visibility into how she is interacting with our 4yr old son.  So I've signed up to take the hits here and there.  Still, I could use some support and a place to release my own energy where there are others who are also dealing with the same sort of chaos and confusion.  Again, she doesn't have a diagnosis - although one of her therapists referred her to a DBT practitioner (which she has since dropped).  But, diagnosis or not, approaching this situation from a perspective of BPD and using that as a framework within which to operate has seemed to help me maintain my own sanity.

Thanks for listening!

[Bnonymous]

Hi PeaceTrain,

I'm glad you've remembered us and come back. 

It sounds as though your wife is feeling very anxious about the two of you sharing your space again after such a long break. Little things like the vinegar incident are probably triggers of the wider anxiety, as such little incident serves as a reminder to her that it isn't just her space anymore. That thought might be quite scary to her and it may take her a while to adjust.

Meanwhile it sounds like you're walking on eggshells a bit and don't feel able to make yourself at home yet. So both of you are probably feeling very uncertain, uncomfortable, and insecure at the moment.

It's understandable that you want to be able to make yourself at home in the place that is your home. It is also understandable that your wife is feeling scared and overwhelmed by the huge adjustments that she's needing to make to share her space again.

Keep giving her lots of kindness, empathy, understanding and patience (and try to give these things to yourself too, especially if she isn't great at reciprocation). Take reclaiming your share in the space slowly, sensitively and respectfully, but be wary of agreeing to anything that you don't think will be sustainable in the longer term. This will get better with time; it's very early days since you moved back in; you can expect it to take both of you a little while to readjust.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you are reaching out here and you have already received a lot of good feedback. 

I do want to suggest that you post here regularly, not just when there is a crisis or when things get too much to handle on your own.  Working on you and learning coping skills and communication skills is much easier when you are calm and can look at things more positively.

Bnonymous gave some good information on how to respond to your wife's anxiety.   

[once removed]

Later, I told her about it.  After which she was like "So this is how it's going to be?" and accused me of being passive aggressive and breaking our agreement to discuss things first, etc, etc, ending with "I can't do this any more" and "I feel so unsafe" etc.  The energy coming from her was quite palpable and uncomfortable. 

thats a lot coming at you at once. how did you respond?