Tread lightly with BPD (ex?), or steer clear

[TexanInOK136]

Hi everyone. This is my first ever post to any kind of message board... .ever.

I'm a single, 38-year-old guy, and a solo-practicing attorney. My BPD ex (I'm going to refer to her as my ex even though, as you'll read later, that may not be the case) is 22, a high school grad and works in retail. We'll call her "Chris".

We met online and within the first 30 seconds of our first phone call, I felt it was love at first sight... .err... .sound. Our first date was short and simple, but there was an instant mutual attraction both emotionally and physically. After a few months of dates several times a week, we kind of drifted apart for no particular reason. Then about 6 months later things picked back up. During that time she had to vacate her apartment because her roommate kept falling short with rent money, so they both got kicked out. That started a situation where Chris bounced from friend's house to friend's house. Her parents and other family refused to let her move in with them because, unbeknownst to me at the time, she had a serious drug and heroin addiction.

Eventually I agreed she could move in to one of my spare bedrooms. Shortly thereafter I kicked her out because of some strange behavior (again, I didn't know she was a drug and heroin addict at this point). A few weeks later her friend calls me early one morning to tell me Chris had been arrested. I'm a civil attorney, but I've got some connections in the criminal law side of things, and after calling her parents to tell them about the arrest, I pulled some strings and got her out of jail. She was in for 12 hours. She was arrested for DUI-drugs, possession of heroin, and paraphernalia (all misdemeanors in Oklahoma).

She tells me she's been seriously addicted to heroin for about 2 years now, and that she's been a drug addict for 5 years. In the past, she tried to go through detox on her own to break free, then tried a local inpatient detox, neither of which worked. After she moved in with me again after getting out of jail, she tried to self detox again, and barely made it 24 hours before she ran out of my house to go buy more heroin because the pain was unbearable. It was clear to me she desperately wanted to get clean, but just needed help.

It took me about a month after her arrest to convince her that her addiction was so strong from a chemical standpoint (withdrawal symptoms starting 6 hours after getting high) that the only way to break free was to go to a top tier in-patient drug rehab facility. She finally agreed. However, her parents refused to pay for the 30-day rehab, and there was no health insurance. So I paid for it, out of pocket.

After she got out of rehab, she struggled, as most do, with re-entry to sober life. But after a few hiccups, she settled in quite nicely. She was back living at my house. During this time we spent a lot of time together. She opened up to me about her past. We talked about her future. I kept telling her she was "destined for greatness", and to this day I continue to believe that. Also, during this time period the "devaluing" of me began. Over the course of four months there were intense high's between us, but things were slowly spiraling downward.

The "blow up" occurred in late August. We were coming home from a night at the bar and I took the wrong exit off the freeway. She flipped out, and started screaming at me with ever fiber of her being. The screaming continued even after we got home. I remained calm in the face of it all, and responded in a soft, soothing tone, but that still didn't calm her down. Eventually, she looked at me and softly said, "Oh my god, you're a psychopath." Again, I didn't not blow up at that. She called her mom (and lied to her and told her mom by saying that I'd hit her, which her mom immediately knew was not true) to come pick her up. She grabbed some of her stuff and they left.

I sent her a text that night that was not aggressive, but that stated that I felt used, and that I didn't deserve to be treated the way she had treated me. I ended the text with "Please don't contact me again." I desperately wish I'd never told her not to contact me. That was in the heat of the moment, and I really didn't (and to this day don't) mean it. The next morning, she blocked me from all of her social media. So, I froze her phone account (she was on my cell phone plan), and deleted her code to my front door.

It's important to note that while there was some serious kissing, hugging and hand-holding between us, our relationship was never sexual in nature. Also, during the devaluation period she kept telling me she wanted me to be dating girls, and that I was smothering her. While I feel like we were a couple, I doubt she felt that that was the case. Although, we did tell each other that we loved each other all the time. She also told me that she truly believes that if I hadn't come into her life that she'd be dead from drugs. She told me that until I intervened, she was just "waiting to die", which I believe.

She apologized to me each time after the minor but intense fights between us. I apologized as well. She took  ownership of things she said or did that she shouldn't have. I did as well. She showed genuine appreciation for things I did to make her feel good or smile.

Now, it's been 4 months of strict No Contact, but I'm definitely feeling separation anxiety. I've wanted to reach out to her friends or family to ask them how she's doing, but I've stopped short every time. I haven't sent her an e-mail, and I haven't "lurked" around her social media. I also know she has a new phone number, but of course, I don't know what it is.

Here are my questions:
1) Did she break it off with me; or because of my text, did I break it off with her?
2) Does she view me as her ex-boyfriend or as just a friend who she's not talking to (does this distinction even matter)?
3) When I ended my last text to her by asking her not to contact me ever again, did that stoke or confirm an abandonment fear in her that likely caused her to split me black (or had she already split me)?
4) I want her back in my life. Is the best approach light contact just to let her know that I haven't abandoned or reject her (especially in light of my text); or is it better to just stay strict no contact and just hope she contacts me again?
5) Her birthday is in late January, and she's had friends ignore her on her birthdays in the past (I was present for the most recent one), and it ripped her to her core. Should I send her a card on her birthday, again just so she doesn't feel like I've abandoned her?

I really miss her, and I want her to be a part of my life.

As an aside, I've done a ton of educating myself on pwBPD, and I've started talking to a therapist. I say that to say this: if your response to this post is going to be something akin to "Dude, be glad you're out of that situation and just move on," please refrain from commenting. I'm working on my own issues relative to why I'm attracted so strongly to a pwBPD, but that's not why I posted here.

Thanks for taking the time to read, think, and comment. I appreciate it!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!

No one here is going to tell you to walk away or not get back together.  This board is specifically to better a relationship or reverse a break-up.  We will support your choice so no worries there. 

That is a pretty complex history.  I can hear how much you care about her too.  It is good that you are in therapy to work on figuring out why you make some of the choices you have made. 

Regarding your questions, I can't really answer the first three for you.  I am not sure what is going on in her head or heart at this point.    pwBPD share a common group of behaviors but they often manifest differently and then when you couple that with an addiction, it becomes even more complex.  Having said that, it is quite possible that she deoes have fear of abandonment as it is pretty common to pwBPD (people with BPD).

If you do choose to contact her, I would suggest keeping it very simple and very light.   

How do you want your relationship to look?  What if nothing changes at her end?  That you are getting help and willing to look within is good.  We can help with that too.  We have lots of tools available that work quite well and can make a big difference.  Also reading and posting in other peoples threads will help a great deal as well.  Working together and being on the receiving end of the collective wisdom that is available here is a big advantage to posting here.

[once removed]

hi TexanInOK136, i want to join Harri and say

thats quite a ride. we can help you get to steadier ground.

regarding your questions, one thing is clear: there was a big blow up, and you told her not to contact you again. she responded to that by blocking you.

human nature still applies with BPD, but add a whole lot of high sensitivity and a tendency to be very reactive to perceived rejection.

the ball is in your court where it applies to opening up the lines of communication. whether it will be received warmly or at all, is out of anyones hands but hers. i wouldnt mention rejection or abandonment. you can go the light route, or the apologetic route... .you regret telling her not to contact you, right? you can say that, and that youd love to catch up. you might follow that up with a card, but if shes not receptive to contact, she may not be receptive to that either.

what do you want to do, and are you prepared for either outcome?