Marriage

[Depression = 72% of members]

Tonight we are sitting at our daughters chior performance. After the first song, my husband claps, then makes whooping noises and claps louder. By now, the clapping by others has nearly stopped. It’s not a big crowd to begin with. I am alarmed and tell him to stop. He tells me in a rude voice that he can do whatever he wants. I think to myself, I can sit wherever I want, but I’m not strong enough to say it, and not wanting to cause a scene, stay put.
At home, I tell my husband his extremely load clapping and near cat calls at our daughters chior performance made me uncomfortable. He blows up, calls me a dictator, wants a divorce. I tell him it made me and my daughter (sitting next to me) uncomfortable. He starts to yell. How dare I bring my daughter into this. That is never allowed.
At this point I tell I am leaving. I am not interested in his yelling and tears, which inevitably follow.
He calls me a dictator again, saying I’m always setting the terms about when and what we can talk about.
He blows up, I shut down. Logic leaves him, and fear enters me. This has been the pattern for 21 years. I have only known he has BPD for about two years. It was so eye opening to read the books and finally see the pieces fall into place. Things finally made sense. I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t nuts, I am married to a person with BPD.
He has threatened divorce 100 times. He blew up last year, and I didn’t back down. He said he wanted to sell everything we own, split the money and start over. The first  problem is that we have four kids, one has moved out, two in high school and one in middle. That is not ok for them. But, as always, it is all about my husband. The second major problem is I have stayed home for twenty years raising our children. I make a few hundred dollars a month. Hardly enough to survive on.
His mother, I suspect, also has BPD. I have heard tales of his parents divorce. It was not pretty. My husband is much like his mom. It will be awful, messy, he is vindictive and unkind. How can I avoid putting my children through this?
He told me tonight, if I left, he would find a new wife who loved him. This was the first time I’ve heard him talk of a new wife. It didn’t hurt. Our Therapsit told me to leave him. That he would find someone a little off, because he’s a little off (by now, I’m sure you’re wondering if I’m also a little off). The therapist said they would make each other happy. I am with a man I cannot make happy, nor can he please me. We will never make each other happy. Ever. After 21 years of trying, it is never going to happen.

[Maple Magnolia]

Tonight we are sitting at our daughters chior performance. After the first song, my husband claps, then makes whooping noises and claps louder. By now, the clapping by others has nearly stopped. It’s not a big crowd to begin with. I am alarmed and tell him to stop. He tells me in a rude voice that he can do whatever he wants. I think to myself, I can sit wherever I want, but I’m not strong enough to say it, and not wanting to cause a scene, stay put.
At home, I tell my husband his extremely load clapping and near cat calls at our daughters chior performance made me uncomfortable. He blows up, calls me a dictator, wants a divorce. I tell him it made me and my daughter (sitting next to me) uncomfortable. He starts to yell. How dare I bring my daughter into this. That is never allowed.
At this point I tell I am leaving. I am not interested in his yelling and tears, which inevitably follow.
He calls me a dictator again, saying I’m always setting the terms about when and what we can talk about.
He blows up, I shut down. Logic leaves him, and fear enters me. This has been the pattern for 21 years. I have only known he has BPD for about two years. It was so eye opening to read the books and finally see the pieces fall into place. Things finally made sense. I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t nuts, I am married to a person with BPD.
He has threatened divorce 100 times. He blew up last year, and I didn’t back down. He said he wanted to sell everything we own, split the money and start over. The first  problem is that we have four kids, one has moved out, two in high school and one in middle. That is not ok for them. But, as always, it is all about my husband. The second major problem is I have stayed home for twenty years raising our children. I make a few hundred dollars a month. Hardly enough to survive on.
His mother, I suspect, also has BPD. I have heard tales of his parents divorce. It was not pretty. My husband is much like his mom. It will be awful, messy, he is vindictive and unkind. How can I avoid putting my children through this?
He told me tonight, if I left, he would find a new wife who loved him. This was the first time I’ve heard him talk of a new wife. It didn’t hurt. Our Therapsit told me to leave him. That he would find someone a little off, because he’s a little off (by now, I’m sure you’re wondering if I’m also a little off). The therapist said they would make each other happy. I am with a man I cannot make happy, nor can he please me. We will never make each other happy. Ever. After 21 years of trying, it is never going to happen.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Maple Magnolia, and

This has been the pattern for 21 years.

21 years is a long time, both in terms of investment in each other and being together, but also for a pattern, a good one or a bad one.

things can change. the cycle can change. it will take a lot of work, and that usually requires us to take the lead.

do you want to do that, or are you looking for an exit strategy?

can you also have a read of this and tell us what stage your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[RolandOfEld]

Joining once removed in welcoming you, Maple Magnolia!

I think once removed asks the most important question. To follow up on what resources you have available regardless of which route you chose, I'm interested to hear more about your life outside of your marriage.

Do you have a strong support network of friends and/ or family? If so, are any of them aware of your husband's situation? Do you have a life outside the home, e.g. hobbies? How do you practice self care?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld