So she ended up in the mental health unit...

[2020]

Hello,

This is now my third attempt at getting this down. As I am sure many of you are aware, the accustations and dysregulation are so intense and varied that it quickly becomes very complex. I am leaving the build up to this out. It is much the same pattern as it has been for years. We spend a couple of really nice days together, followed by rejection and abuse. A week ago she physically attacked me again, bruising my arm. She has shown some remorse of sorts since then and has been vocal about not wanting to be like that but in the same breath blames others for this. Right now her son has cut her out of his life because she hates his girlfriend and verbaly abused her.

Yesterday, after two pleasant days of hope and dreams, it all came crashing down. After yelling at me all day and accusing me of infidelity and having a parallel life with my ex (we split up 15 years ago), she returned to the house one more time to inform me she was going to lay down on the highway and spend the night at the Mental Health Unit. Off she went. I didn't follow her. I just tried to remain calm. An hour later I went to the warehouse we rent and she was not there. The door was unlocked but she wasn't around. Around midnight I went looking for her again and I could see her through the blinds asleep on the floor. I left her alone.

Today I have gone to see her and she answered the door. She seemed ok; well, a lot better than yesterday. It took her a while to tell me. She had been taken to the hospital by the Police and Ambulance and was now on medication. I didn't believe her at first but she showed me the pills they have given her and the wrist band from the hospital. Normally I would be going insane with worry and guilt, but for some reason I am remaining calm. This is not the first time this has happened. Something this radical usually happens once or twice a year. Apparently she is to see a psychiatrist at the hospital three days after Xmas. She said she told them how awful I was, how I was her part-time boyfriend who doesn't stand up to her and is unfaithful. She said I disappear and have cups of tea and sex with my ex when I leave the house. She told them my son is plotting to kill her and she fears for her life. She told them I was a perpetrator of domestic violence and they have told her to leave me immediately. I said that I didn't think a mental health professional would advise her of that so quickly. I put it to her that maybe I could come to her appointment with her but she said they already know about me. And no, she doesn't have borderline personality disorder, that is all in my head.

I am sitting here thinking that maybe this psychiatrist will identify and diagnose her. She has a record of being there for similar behaviour. Surely someone will cotton on to this? I'm hoping she will tell them that her (part-time)(abusive) boyfriend has been pathologising her and thinks it may be BPD. Regardless, I am going to check on her every two hours and get some illustration work done in between the somewhat unproductive visits. It probably sounds like I am giving up. Maybe I am. Something has shifted. I guess we get abused and beaten up and put down so much, they become something we aren't all that willing to fight for as we did in the past.

I hope you are all managing out there. It isn't easy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[once removed]

I hope you are all managing out there. It isn't easy.

no, it isnt 

im wondering how much support you are getting in your life?

[2020]

My support is limited. Much of it comes from here, from reading the situations arising with other people. My sister who I am very close to understands. I often email her about what is going on. She has a friend who is a psychologist who has explained in more detail to my sister as to what sort of challenges having a person with BPD in your life entails. My eldest son who is 26 and lives with me is empathetic and generally a good listener. He has known my partner since he was 16 and has seen much of the ups and downs first hand. He likes my partner a lot and is sorry to see the continuing drama. I do have a great therapist who I have been seeing monthly for the past five years. He has heard me talk about my troubled relationship from the begining of us being seriously involved with each other. A couple of years ago he mentioned that I might want to read up on DBT but I didn't understand what he was insinuating. It is only recently that the lightbulb moment happened.

I am unsure what support there is locally for me. Perhaps I should drive up to the mental health unit and talk to someone there. Attending a group may be tricky. I have a partner who is extremely suspicious and prone to violent outbursts when she imagines I am betraying her. I will have a search online and see if I can figure something out. It might be difficult this time of year however.

Thank you for the reply. Things appear to be more stable than yesterday. Maybe her medication is doing something. I just went to see her but she said she wants to be alone. I told her I would return in an hour. Not much more I can really do right now.

[Yellowpearl]

Hi - your support you get from your sister, your eldest son, your therapist, - keep up with these! I'm glad to hear that they are empathetic, good listeners.

Also glad to hear the medication did some good. Is there any outlet or tool that she uses to de-stress? She isn't in any therapy, if i'm not mistaken?

[2020]

Hello Yellowpearl,

Generally she drinks to cope. Her father gave her alcohol when she was 10 or so. When her mother was in her late 40's, she got cancer. There are 15 children in her family. Her dad drank to cope. The problem is once she gets one drink in her she can't stop. It doesn't take much to get her drunk. I stopped drinking many years ago so she hasn't got me as a drinking buddy. She drinks alone.

Whatever medication she is now on, has calmed her down. She is still grumpy but is much calmer. Last night I suggested she come and stay with me. I said, "It can't be much fun being in a dark warehouse by yourself. Come and watch a movie with me". She fell asleep within minutes.

She has completed most of a psychology degree years ago so she can be receptive to the therapeutic process. She reads a lot of Jung and is interested in Art Therapy. She has had a few therapists in the past but doesn't maintain the relationship long enough. She has been seeing nobody for the past 18 months or so. The last psychologist she saw she liked. I am not sure what she discussed. It is tricky. Unless the therapist is tuned in to BPD, they can be told a lot of 'lies' and be supported in their delusions unfortunately. I am hoping the psychiatrist at the Mental Health Unit will diagnose her. I wish I could speak to him or her. I'm not sure it would be possible.

I'm keeping to myself today. I am at home drawing and she is at the warehouse sewing. I go and see how she is going every couple of hours. I am enjoying the space and peace and quiet. I am a bit of a loner, but I am grateful that I do have people who understand whom I can talk to.

Thank you for your reply.

[Yellowpearl]

It sounds like the medication is helping indeed. That's great to hear.

It is a tough battle to find a therapist who has the knowledge and expertise to work with someone with BPD. As you may already know some therapists refuse to work with BPD patients and don't want to get too involved. If she can find a good therapist experienced with BPD, possibly DBT therapy, that could make a world of a difference.

I am hoping the psychiatrist at the Mental Health Unit will diagnose her.

That would be really helpful in the long run. If they don't diagnose her but recommend therapy, maybe that is something she will consider again.

I'm keeping to myself today. I am at home drawing and she is at the warehouse sewing. I go and see how she is going every couple of hours. I am enjoying the space and peace and quiet. I am a bit of a loner,

I hear you there. I can be a bit of a loner myself and even though my person with BPD aren't speaking right now, i'm trying to enjoy the space, doing things I like and drawing is one of those things.

[2020]

Thanks Yellowpearl.

I used to go insane with worry when I was cut out of my partner's life. Recently I have learnt to view this differently. When I am told how much I am hated and to blame, and how we are 'finished', I don't go chasing like I used to. The running away is just a feature of this relationship. Sometimes she is at the river drinking, sometimes she is under the bed hiding or up a tree. Sometimes she is on a bus travelling three hours to her sister's house, sometimes she is in the hospital or at her son's place. She doesn't tell me ever; she just disappears. It can take days to discover what happened to her.

Now I just look at these moments as holidays, time off, and a much needed break. I don't enjoy the blame and abuse, but in a strage way I am glad when the cold shoulder treatment comes as it gives me time out. All I needed to do was shift my mental framing of this process. Generally I go and check up on her every two hours if I know where she is. If she becomes abusive, I leave and say that I'll be back in two hours and that if she wants to talk or have company, she knows where to find me. Last night I spoke to her at this warehouse we are renting. She had not answered the three times during the day I knocked. She then blamed me for abandoning her. I asked her if she would like dinner but she declined. She said she didn't need my company and had some other 'male friend' she could visit, which I believe this is just a ploy to get my attention. I ended up going home, eating and going to bed. I have not seen her today. I'll head up the road in a moment. Just enjoying reading here and having a coffee.

Yes the therapy would probably do her the world of good. I made the mistake early on when I was angry of telling her I think it may be BPD, something she denies. In a calmer moment when she appeared to be interested in therapy I suggested DBT. I showed her a website where they offer such therapy. As soon as she saw BPD mentioned, she became hostile. It is unfortunate. I found a BPD/DBT treatment center is just over an hour drive away from where we live. I spoke to them on the phone a few months back and it sounds like it would really help her. But what is it they say about horses and water?

I guess I'll go and see how she is faring.

[Yellowpearl]

Now I just look at these moments as holidays, time off, and a much needed break. I don't enjoy the blame and abuse, but in a strage way I am glad when the cold shoulder treatment comes as it gives me time out. All I needed to do was shift my mental framing of this process.

That's the best way to look at it. There are many that suffer a ton in a BPD relationship due to taking things personally. Especially initially in such a relationship, when you are first experiencing this, the withdrawing/disappearing comes as quite a shock. There comes a point, where I've seen many, and sometimes even in my own experience, that the person is just like "oh there he/she goes again, let me go back to my drawings." You become kind of used to it, i'm not sure "used to" is the right word, but as people mature in these relationships, they realize these behaviors are just part of the disorder, so when they happen, you just set low expectations and get less hurt over time and chalk it up to, they will be back.

These times aren't all that bad, I get your point very well. You can use them to take a time out, focus on yourself, maybe do things you enjoy when maybe normally you wouldn't get that chance. Maybe even look into hobbies you had put aside for a while.

So, she knows DBT is connected to helping those with BPD. That is sure tough. It's great you found that DBT/BPD treatment center. If she ever comes around or is open to it, you have something in mind. There are some therapists that don't list they do DBT but work with those who have borderline, that could be another option too somewhere down the line.

[2020]

Thank you Yellowpearl. I am learning and your words are giving me hope I am heading in a better direction.

My partner just arrived at the window and told me she was going to the mental health unit. Apparently she was to call in there today at 11am. I offered to drive her there and she seemed apprehensive at first, asked why I would want to do that, but accepted the offer. When we arrived she did not want me to go in with her or wait with her. She said it was embarrassing. She said she can't wait to get out of this   town. One step at a time I guess. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist there three days after Xmas. She did mention today that the drugs she had been given have made her feel she can cope better with me abandoning her and banishing her to the warehouse alone. I just commented that I was happy to hear the drugs were a help for her.

Not much more I can do. I did get a lot of drawing done yesterday. Just like being a kid again!

[Yellowpearl]

She has an appointment with a psychiatrist there three days after Xmas. She did mention today that the drugs she had been given have made her feel she can cope better with me abandoning her and banishing her to the warehouse alone. I just commented that I was happy to hear the drugs were a help for her.

I liked your comment, you are doing great working through this!

Not much more I can do. I did get a lot of drawing done yesterday. Just like being a kid again!

 

[2020]

Thanks Yellowpearl.

I thought I was getting stronger but I am such a mess tonight. She came over yesterday morning and told me she had to go to Area Mental Health. The mental health team wanted her to check in with them. I offered to drive her there which she acted surprised to. Eventually she allowed me to drive her there but didn't want me going in with her. I picked her up half an hour later.

Look I am a bit muddled here. I don't even know what day it is, I am so sick with worry tonight. Maybe it was the day before yesterday?

The crux of the matter is she has gone missing. She vanished this afternoon after disappearing this morning then coming back and accusing me of behaving just like her son treats her, cutting her out of his life. I tried to assure her I wanted her very much in my life but it did no good. She walked off.

A couple of hours later I went up the road to the warehouse we rent to talk to her again but she was not there. The door is padlocked on the outside. I have been there eight times today and she is nowhere to be seen. I am very worried now. She sat down in a main road the other day and was taken to hospital. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist in a day or two; I am not sure what day as she hasn't told me.

It is close to midnight where I am now. I just drove to the hospital looking for her but they told me she hasn't been there in the past 72 hours. I rang the buzzer at the mental Health Unit and they did not answer. I drove an hour to her son to see if she was there but nobody was home. So now I'll have a long sleepless night of worry. Is she dead? Alive? Where is she? I am at the end of my tether. I thought I was becoming stronger but she knows exactly how to mess me up and make me feel the hurt she feels. This is totally unacceptable. Only a day or two ago I was trying to establish an agreement with her that when we are not getting along, we need to at least tell each other that we need time out and agree to regroup in two hours. We just need to communicate.

I have to take my son to the dentist in the morning. I will be so tired and a mess. I wish she wouldn't do this. I try so hard and I am kind to her. All I get in return is torture and false allegations. I am sick of being sick of this. Hopefully I can update better news in a day or two, but how long will it last until the next episode? I wish I could turn off the worry. Thanks for listening... .

[Yellowpearl]

I know you must be feeling very worn out by this! You showed kindness, agreed with each other to communicate or tell each other if someone needs to take a time out and with a BPD person, these talks always don't seem to stick. It can sure feel like certain conversations never happened when they just go off on their own and have these episodes.

She sounds really upset about her son even looking like she is taking that situation/stress out on you and now she disappeared. I agree, this is unacceptable. I wonder if she is especially dysregulated due to the holidays.

I hope you can update with better news soon and I hope she communicates better too. Keep us updated!

[2020]

Yellowpearl, I am very worn out by this. It is almost 3am here and she is nowhere to be found. You just don't do that to people, especially someone you are in relationship with. I am going to find it hard to sleep. The mental health unit is open at 8am I think. I could try up there before I take my son to the dentist at 11:15am if she hasn't turned up before then. I guess I can't expect much in the way of 'reasonable' from an upset disordered person. She has gone missing like this before. Experience tells me something bad has happened. If she has got rotten drunk she usually shows up and is a complete pain to be around. She has no friends or family nearby. She doesn't have a car and rarely drives. I think she had been drinking earlier which means she wouldn't drive.

This is what happens; I go mad with worry. One of three things come to mind. She has gone to the mental hospital where she has to see a psychiatrist on Friday. When I took her there the other day she wasn't keen. She said if she doesn't go and check in with them they will come looking for her. Perhaps today she simply decided to book herself in. She threatens this from time to time. Having a litlle 'valium holiday' she calls it. The other option is she has got drunk and ended up at a strangers house, or gone to this 'mysterious/imaginary friend' for the night. This is a recent thing she has mentioned, her having a male friend elsewhere. I just don't see how as we are pretty much with each other every day, even when we are not getting on. It is a posibility however. The third option is she is dead. Either in the warehouse or hanging from a tree somewhere or she has cut herself up a bit too far. I dread to think. If we are not careful, our biggest fears can become this reality in our heads. Perhaps she feels like this all the time? Recently I sat down and explained to her what happens when she disappears and how it makes me feel. I went into all the detail of the worry and panic I feel. She said, "Oh, you DO get it".

She's obviously somewhere, either alive or dead. It is just so very one sided. I would never dare do any of this as I know how she would feel, yet she can do whatever she likes.

I suppose I have to try and get some sleep. I can't do much more tonight.

[Yellowpearl]

I can only imagine how tough and worrisome this is for you! As I know how much such a silence and disappearance hurts!

You said she has gone missing before. Maybe in this being a repeated occurrence, there is some glimmer of hope that this is just another episode that will pass.

I really do empathize and side with you on how it just gets tiresome and unjust when we know we wouldn't do anything remotely like this to them, but have it done to us by them, like it's no issue. I almost feel that they know they are being unfair and feel bad but their disordered thinking and possibly shame comes into play.

If a continued no word, your idea of just checking in at the mental health unit may give you some leads or she may be there. Sometimes it can help our minds at ease when we feel like we are doing something, (even when we feel anxious while doing it!). What's your thought on calling at some point? If still nothing. Even if she reacts, finding out what is wrong doesn't warrant an upset reaction. You are worried, very understandably.

She has to be somewhere, you are right, and she knows her psychiatrist appointment is coming up. It's a bit of a frustrating waiting game.

I hope you hear from her and she gets back soon.

[2020]

Well I went to the Mental Health Unit and she is not there. She is not anywhere at the hospital. I am now at a loss as to where she is. I am not sure what else I can do. Perhaps she checked in at a motel? I could ring her sister I guess. Perhaps she picked her up? I cannot stand this not knowing. My life comes to a standstill with all this worry and stress. It will be a hard day to endure. This happens a few times a year. It is almost coming to a point that the pain of leaving her might be better than this. At least I'd choose when that pain happens and it will be served up in one lump.
Not having a good day at all... .

[Yellowpearl]

I'm terribly sorry to hear that she isn't at the hospital either and what you're going through is not easy. I know exactly what you mean, this all can get too familiar and old and you start to wonder, maybe the pain of leaving isn't so bad. If him and I get in touch, I'd been wondering too, if this silence stuff doesn't end, can I really continue with this person.

Yeah, it couldn't hurt to check in with her sister, at this point if you decide to. Keep hanging in there. The psychiatrist appointment is coming up soon. Is there anything else you could do? If you were to see her soon and decide to stick it out and all, do you feel it's worth having a discussion about her going missing like this again? What do you feel would be helpful moving forward, if anything? I can understand feeling so worn out!

[2020]

I have just phoned her sister and she hasn't spoken to her for a week. She was never going to talk to her sister gain since about March, but her sister emailed her and she spoke to her. Her sister had no idea about the current episode in hospital. Her sister is a nurse.

I went back with a ladder and broke into the warehouse. She is not in there. I saw a bunch of notes on the floor, some from me, some things she had written. I thought I'd check on another lead based on an old note in the warehouse, but she was not there at her landlord from years ago. He understands how she is so it was good to talk to him. I have very little else I can do besides going to the police. I'd rather not do that as it could make things worse when she realises what I have done.

I can't really do much more. I just hope she is ok. See how insane this all is? They treat us like this and we hope they are ok? Seriously!

[Yellowpearl]

I can't really do much more. I just hope she is ok. See how insane this all is? They treat us like this and we hope they are ok? Seriously!

I feel for you! You are bearing through a lot! You went every avenue you can think of. I'm sorry to hear the sister didn't have any information.She may come around cause of that appointment, that's what i'm hoping for you. I wonder if they feel ashamed after they goes missing or don't talk to us so it makes it little harder to come back or wonder if we would accept them back without confrontation or not. Surely, knowing about their well being and getting a timely response is more important than that, little do they know. I hope for you she gets back to you soon.

I know what you mean.  Even though they do this, we still feel all this empathy and hope they are okay. I really do wonder, if they have thoughts about us, thinking "is he/she okay?" Do they ever wonder this? Or do they wonder that, making them only disappear further.

What a crazy, crazy long road.

[2020]

I really have no idea what is going on now. I sent her an email. She has no phone but if she was at her son's place she might see it on his computer. I got no reply. Then I realised she had logged into her emails at Christmas on my computer. I saw she received an email from her son yesterday afternoon but she did not reply. I assumed that maybe she is at his house checking her emails as she had not bothered to respond. Also I noticed she had notified the landlord this morning that she wishes to vacate the warehouse end of January. There is a reply from the landlord but it is unread. I hate prying into emails which aren't mine. I am just worried sick and desperate.

I just drove half an hour out to her son and he has not seen her. He is as confused as I am as to where she may be. She is somewhere where she has access to a device of some sort and internet to access her emails. I dread to think where that may be. I have been awake for 30 hours now. I thought I was getting better at this, I really did. Now I am starting to fear she really does have some other person in her life like she was hinting. This is not good.

Thanks for listening to my madness.

[Skip]

I just got an email from my partner: "Hello, I am fine thank you." followed by her name. Pretty pathetic really, but maybe that is all she can do. So I am sitting here feeling sick as I am sure you are too. I'm feeling my relationship is pretty much gone. I don't know how to deal with that. It is a tragedy.

How about "Good to hear! Thanks for getting back."

This is positive, upbeat, leave the door open, and ends the exchange on a positive note.  This is mostly about lowering the barrier for a potential future exchange - assuming the best case scenario.

You really don't want a response right now. pwBPD are impulsive. You don't want to solidify a down cycle.

[2020]

Hi Skip. I appreciate the wisdom. I replied before I saw your advice and asked if we could talk.

I have pieced together some of the puzzle as to where she is. I rang her sister twice today. This morning her sister said she hadn't heard from her for at least a week, but "don't worry I am sure she'll be ok". I rang her sister back this afternoon after I received the short email and before I could tell her I had heard from my partner, she told me my partner had just rung her and "she sounded more upbeat". I said I was glad to hear that. When I asked where my partner said she was, she said she was with a friend but told me she didn't go into the detail as to which friend as she didn't want to drive her away. But again she reassured me she was a lot calmer today than when she rang her yesterday. OK... .There is a conflict of stories here. So I am fairly certain she is with her sister. I'd say she did a mercy dash and picked her up. She said she was certain she would be going to her appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow. Really? She missed three dentist appointments over a month because she was to mentally unwell to attend. Her sister has a history of driving down here often in the middle of the night and rescuing her. It's a two hour drive each way but she will drop everything to help. It sounded like a lot of stuff was being made up on the fly.

So I am trying not to stress out. I have been awake now for coming up to 40 hours. I feel like a wreck to be honest. I will have to wait and see how this plays out.

EDIT: Skip, you are pretty smart. I hope I can learn to think like that in real time. Thanks!