Trying to provide spousal support

[Resillience]

My relationship with my wife is fraught with complications.  We have been married for nearly 30 years.  This was her third marriage, and my first.  I am in my middle 50's, and she is 11 years older.  We are a mixed orientation couple (I am gay, but do not engage in relationships outside the marriage).   I came out to her 12 years ago in the process of getting sober with the help of a 12-step program.  She was misdiagnosed as bipolar 20 years ago, and has been unemployed/retired on disability for nearly that long.  She has become socially isolated and stays home alone (with our pets) much of the time.  I am still actively working.  Within the last month, her new psychiatrist changed her diagnosis to BPD accompanied by depression, anxiety and hypochondria.  I have become her trigger, as her two adult children have distanced themselves from her emotionally.   As such, I deal constantly with criticism, false accusations, name-calling, attempts to control, tantrums, and conversations that go nowhere.   I want to continue to provide support and to improve our relationship, but she seems to harbor anger and resentment toward me.  Obviously, I have a lot to learn about BPD and myself as we move forward.  I don't have a knowledgeable support system in place, so I am reaching out for advice, insight and encouragement.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you posted and are reaching out for support here.  We get it and have many other posters who also want to improve their relationship. 

There are several ways you can offer support to your wife.  We have relationship tools here that we discuss and practice that can go a long way in terms of improving things.  a lot of what needs to be done is to change the way we interact with our partners though.  Often what seems to be the right thing to say and do is the worst thing to say and do to a pwBPD (person with BPD).  Not much of this is intuitive.

What are the biggest difficulties you have with your wife?  what would you want to work on first?

As you share more we will be better able to guide you.  I hope you feel free to read and post and jump into other threads.  Doing so will help a great deal.  It is quite enlightening to see others work through similar issues and it can give us insight into our own.

Again, It is good to have you here

[Yellowpearl]

Hi Resillience, I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you to the board. This is a great, peer support community. I'm glad that you made your way over to share and post about your situation. We are here to listen and help.

As such, I deal constantly with criticism, false accusations, name-calling, attempts to control, tantrums, and conversations that go nowhere

How often do these behaviors occur?

she seems to harbor anger and resentment toward me

Just to get an idea, what does she express anger and resentment usually about? is there any special triggers that she has?

Feel free to share as much as you would like, and hope to hear from you more about this soon.