A low-key Christmas

[sklamath]

I dropped a Christmas card in the mail to my parents this week. It will be a little strange to be so near their home but not seeing them. I expect to have some teary moments, and am going to be gentle with myself about that, but I am looking forward to spending a quiet holiday with my in-laws.

My husband has been very supportive of my NC with my uBPD mom, but had been encouraging me to be more forthcoming with my non-BPD dad about the what & why of my NC with mom. He felt that my dad both had a right to know my perspective, and also that he had the capacity to process it. And on one hand it's what I wanted to hear, and on the other hand I had a feeling I knew what the response would be.  After talking about it with my therapist, I decided I would rather my state my perception and receive nothing in return than regret saying nothing. Wouldn't you know, I left my last therapy appointment to find a missed call from Dad.

We started out with small talk, and as that wrapped up I mentioned that I would like to know when Mom is in the hospital. (On the last conversation, my dad had revealed that mom had been in the hospital for several days a month back, and I had expressed concern for her well-being but held off on asking why he had chosen not to tell me.)

"Well, the way you two were going at it, I thought you wouldn't want to know."

"Uh... .Dad, I did not tell her not to call me; she declared that she was not going to call me."

Okay, on to the tough part. I remained very calm, and said that I would like to tell him what I had observed earlier this year. That he didn't have to respond, but I would like him to hear me out. (He had been in the room, but with his back to us... .he is extremely conflict avoidant.) I kept it brief, but described how I had said good night and moved to go to bed, and how that was countered by physical intimidation. I didn't say anything to Mom for a long time while she raged at me, going through a list of disconnected things I had done "to" her. There wasn't a "thing" I could pinpoint that she was trying to resolve, but rather she seemed fueled by each new memory she brought up, each name she called me, each thing she could blame me for. And I told him that when I asked her if she thought she was a victim, she was eager to say that she was. And how that it isn't... .how a mentally healthy person behaves. I explained that even though what happened earlier this spring was more extreme than usual, this has been going on my whole life: I am expected to take care of Mom's feelings, to make sure she doesn't feel anything she doesn't want to feel. But since I was quite young, I've also felt like nobody was ever looking out for me.

"You have your husband. He looks out for you. That's what a spouse does."

"I know, Dad. I know you love Mom. I love Mom too, very much, and I am telling you this because I am concerned about her. But I also need to feel safe. That's what I've been thinking about, and that's why I need to keep my distance. It makes me sad that I will not see you both at Christmas this year."

And he said, "Alright. Well, have a good Christmas. We love you."

That's about what I expected (my husband, by contrast, was pretty horrified). I could pick apart my words and think of a million ways in which I probably could have said or should have said something better, but I am actually feeling a lot better having spoken my truth as best I could in that moment than I had been in not saying anything. It's equally possible that I'll never hear from him again or that our next conversation will be about the weather. So... .we'll see how I'm feeling in a day or two.

[Harri]

That's about what I expected (my husband, by contrast, was pretty horrified). I could pick apart my words and think of a million ways in which I probably could have said or should have said something better, but I am actually feeling a lot better having spoken my truth as best I could in that moment than I had been in not saying anything. It's equally possible that I'll never hear from him again or that our next conversation will be about the weather. So... .we'll see how I'm feeling in a day or two.

    I think you did well too.  Speaking up, especially after years of not doing so is incredibly hard.  The benefit of saying something goes beyond anything to do with the other person.  There is value in us taking a stand, hearing us say what is important to us and taking a risk.  It is scary to say something, especially to a parent where there is a lot of very complicated and abusive history.

So I say well done!  It is easy to look back and wish you had said something else or to think gee I did not get the response I wanted but please try not to do that.  The point is, this was a success and a first step to an independence of sorts.  Take this and build on it!

 

[sklamath]

Thank you, Harri. It does feel like a new stage of independence!

[Turkish]

"You have your husband. He looks out for you. That's what a spouse does."

I think that this is true.  I think that he's being sincere but also communicating his feelings about your mother (while respecting you).  What do you think?

[_inthelight_]

I explained that even though what happened earlier this spring was more extreme than usual, this has been going on my whole life: I am expected to take care of Mom's feelings, to make sure she doesn't feel anything she doesn't want to feel. But since I was quite young, I've also felt like nobody was ever looking out for me.

"You have your husband. He looks out for you. That's what a spouse does."

"I know, Dad. I know you love Mom. I love Mom too, very much, and I am telling you this because I am concerned about her. But I also need to feel safe. That's what I've been thinking about, and that's why I need to keep my distance.”


I relate to this soo much. I’ve often found myself in the position of taking care of my mom’s feelings despite the effects on my own well-being. I think our love for our parents compels us to try and help in any way we think we can. The relationship you describe with your parents is familiar. Although I have not cut contact, I do find myself being cautious with the extent that I am engaging with them in an effort to preserve my own well-being, my children and my marriage as Christmas approaches.

You’re doing what’s best for you and I think you handled it well. You are not alone.  I wish you strength, health and healing as you move forward through the holiday.

[JNChell]

Hitting on what Turkish pointed out. I’m curious to hear more about this.

A relaxing and quiet Christmas. Those words just seem to fit together.

[mumabear]

I kept it brief, but described how I had said good night and moved to go to bed, and how that was countered by physical intimidation. I didn't say anything to Mom for a long time while she raged at me, going through a list of disconnected things I had done "to" her. There wasn't a "thing" I could pinpoint that she was trying to resolve, but rather she seemed fueled by each new memory she brought up, each name she called me, each thing she could blame me for.

I am not sure if this is helpful- but WOW- that is a perfect description of my mother's behavior from as far back as I can remember- my brother and I came to call it "thing to thing"... .there seems to be no point other than trying to get you to feel as emotionally fraught and disorganized as she is feeling (there also seems to be no historical constraints as things from ANY point in time can be retrieved and repurposed). I give you SO much credit for being able to create a boundary and maintain it. You were also so brave to offer your truth to your father. I hope you have given yourself the support and compassion you deserve; and that you have a happy holiday.