What was the best thing you learned about yourself in 2018?

[Insom]

I'm feeling inspired by all the Best of . . . and Top Ten lists popping up in the media this week.

What was the most valuable thing your learned about yourself while healing from a BPD relationship in 2018?  Was there more than one thing?  Make a list!  We'd love to hear from you.   

[Insom]

I'll get the ball rolling.  2018 was a year of big change for me.  Thanks to support I received on this site I learned I could really use some professional help sorting out broader family issues that connect to my past relationship with a diagnosed person with BPD.  Early this past spring I made a plan and got myself into therapy with someone I feel safe talking with and whom I've grown to appreciate very much.  Here are a few things I've learned.

•  After a lifetime of feeling over-responsible it's a relief to receive professional support dealing with complex family issues that have vexed me for years.

•  I've learned I was likely the scapegoat or black sheep in my family of origin which explains a chronic feeling of outsiderish-ness that I've experienced since . . . forever.  Therapy is helping me resolve that feeling and moving me toward community and connection.

•  After a number of years spent feeling stuck I feel like I'm seeing movement happen around long held hopes and goals.  (A dream is a goal without a deadline right?  I used to be goal-phobic.  Today I'm warming up to considering goals in a way that feels hopeful and helpful rather than driven.)

Over to you.  What have you learned that you value most in the last year?

[gotbushels]

Insom   

•  After a lifetime of feeling over-responsible it's a relief to receive professional support dealing with complex family issues that have vexed me for years.

I feel you. Having a professional voice for complex family issues, it helps a lot. A bit like having a helper come in with physical housekeeping on the weekend--a professional is like someone helping us with 'incorporeal' inventory. A big relief, feeling perhaps some--"I really have had it 'right' a long time, I just have to keep going."     Even when we don't have the 'ideal' answers ourselves, having someone that's there to be 100% focused on helping with our specific issues can feel so liberating and gratifying.

•  I've learned I was likely the scapegoat or black sheep in my family of origin which explains a chronic feeling of outsiderish-ness that I've experienced since . . . forever. 

I think I appreciate what you share here. I used to be called the "stubborn one" or the "brainy one". Why not the "open-minded-and-decisive one" or the "studious-and-athletic one" (I was a fitness enthusiast too). I felt isolated sometimes--probably why I relate to Tyrion Lannister even though I'm not a dwarf rofl. Well done on moving forward toward community. Growing relationships with people (not necessarily an SO) that are supportive, caring, and just someone to go to when the cards aren't in your favour on a given day--it helps a lot.

What have you learned that you value most in the last year?

Hmm. Probably practical learning. I tried to practice the idea that empathy means not only understanding another person's logical and emotional experience, but also that it can mean visualising consequences of our own choices.

[Baglady]

What a great thread!

I finally learned that I'm not responsible for the happiness of another person.  I didn't know how much I had internalized the mistaken idea that other people's emotional states were my problems to fix prior to this year.  Seems so simple but it's taken me a lifetime (and a painful BPD discard) to figure this out.  I tried so hard to make my mother happy (not sure what her deal was, likely not BPD, but she definitely had mental health issues) when I was a kid.  And I turned myself into a pretzel for decades trying to appease and fix problems for my unBPDh for 21 years of marriage.  Learning that although I'd give my life for my son,  I'm also not responsible for his happiness either.  I can love him and support him in every way I can but his happiness is ultimately up to him.

I learned that I had internalized a very rigid idea of family that I had to relinquish.  Painfully, I found out that blood is absolutely thicker than water... .not even going to get into the specifics of this one!  I learned that I can stand alone and be strong without the support of my in-laws who I considered my second family and who were my only family members in this country.  I only have my son now but many fantastic friends.  I've learned that "family" is a mutable concept that doesn't have to include blood relatives. 

Also, I learned despite all the emotional lows this year, that I'm mentally tougher than I ever gave myself credit for... .

Warmly,
B

[JNChell]

I’m learning that I’ve been less than my best, and that it’s ok to be there. I’m learning that moving forward and truly wanting to is paramount. This holiday season has proven to be a quite emotional one. Pushing through.

[Harri]

I have learned or rather finally believe that i have value and I am shedding a lot of the false beliefs I have had about myself and who I am.

Thanks for doing this thread Insom!

[Sirnut]

I’ve learned I can recover from a broken heart ... .

[MyBPD_friend]

Through my past friendship with a BPD women that I had the strength to end in April I learned a lot about myself.

I learned about my inner child and that my childhood trauma was the basis for a connection to a BPD women.

I learned that I can't help to fix someone who I really liked.

I learned that I have all I could ask for,  a loving healthy wife and loving sons and a good life.

I learned how important it is to be myself and to stay within my values of honesty, trust and authenticity.

[zachira]

2018 was in many ways the most painful year of my life, yet it is the year I really turned my life around, and now feel happy for the first time. Christmas 2017 was excruciatingly painful because I was thrown out of Christmas by my siblings with BPD and NPD, for no apparent reason. I had always been in charge of the family Christmas celebration with my siblings and mother who all have BPD and NPD. I was hurt beyond belief. For most of the year, I regularly just sat down and cried my eyes out when I was overwhelmed with sadness. I had hoped that after all my years of going to therapy and working on myself, that I would be loved and respected by my family. I learned that I have the capacity to grown and change, and I am indeed a person worthy of love and respect. As I have let go of the hope of being loved and respected by my immediate family members, I have found love and compassion in so many other people, including the wonderful people on this site who have supported me on my journey. Letting  go of the hope that we can change others, and looking at what we can do to change ourselves while grieving our losses fully is the key to being the best person we can be for ourselves and others. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!

[Insom]

Nice inventory,  MyBPD_friend.  It sounds like you're feeling gratitude for the good in your life and that you've worked hard to understand your emotional challenges.  Of the insights you listed, was there one you struggled with more than others?  What insight felt like it came first/most easily?

Indeed, Sirnut, you can recover from a broken heart!  Those here who are struggling would love to hear more.  Is there a turning point you can point to when your suffering eased up and you knew everything was going to be OK?  When in your process were you able to see there's light at the end of the tunnel?

Oh, Harri!  What a wonderful insight.  Your value is clear to those of us who follow your posts and appreciate your kind, generous tone.  Thank you for sharing. 

I'm with you, JNChell, there's something liberating about accepting your whole self, even when you feel less than your best.  How would you say this insight has changed you?  Do you feel stronger or more resilient than you have in the past?

Hi, Baglady.    I hear what a relief it is to let go of feeling responsible for the happiness of others.  Do you find that letting go has freed up time and energy for other thoughts/activities?

Thanks for the feedback, gotbushels.  Agreed, there were things I was coping with that felt beyond the scope of my friends' and loved ones' abilities to support.  It's super-helpful to have professional guidance when coping with disordered behavior.  Nice way to define empathy, btw.  How did it feel to extend your empathetic awareness to consequences of your actions?

 

[Insom]

Hi, zachira.  Thank you for contributing.  I feel touched by your openhearted response.  It sounds like you're doing a great job feeling your feelings.  Has your feeling side always been this accessible to you, or was the past year different in this regard?



 

[JNChell]

Hey, Insom. My self awareness has been awakened on a whole new level. It’s been hard to face. My resilience has been taxed over the years but it’s still there, running on empty.

I’ve come a long way since I first joined this community when I truly assess things. It doesn’t always feel that way, but when I read back, I’ve made progress.

Sorry to be a downer, but my diagnosis of C-PTSD has been a game changer. It’s given me a focal point to work from. I’m not in the clouds anymore. I have an understanding of where I am and what I need to do. I’m grateful for that.

[zachira]

Insom,
To answer your question, my feeling side was  pretty shut down for most of my life, and I have never been as impaired in expressing feelings as my siblings and mother with BPD and NPD. It is through feeling my feelings that I have been able to come into my own. The acute crisis of this past year made me just sit with my feelings until finally the pain was no longer so acute, and I could really feel joy.

[JNChell]

What does the joy feel like?

[zachira]

JNChell,
Feeling joy for me is like having peace of mind. I have spent years in therapy, done all kinds of body mind work, learned lots about mental illness, and posted here. For many years, the terrible memories just kept coming up. I thought I had resolved one painful issue, and then another one would come up. I probably at one time easily qualified for a diagnosis of C-PTSD among other things. What finally gave me peace of mind was just letting myself sit and cry until I did not need to at different times for months on end when I felt sad about my family throwing me out of Christmas 2017, and coming to a place of acceptance about them ever loving me. I also went through a bad period where I was infatuated with this terrible guy who acted like my family members. I could not believe that I had sunk so low as to be looking for what I could not get from my family members, from someone who was just like them.
Just keep feeling your feelings and  be patient. You will heal because you have the ability and courage to do, unlike our family members with BPD who are unlikely to change. Please let me know if I answered your question.

[JNChell]

Thanks, z. Piece of mind sounds like a nice place to be . I know that it’s comfortable. It’s hard to get there. I want to be able to speak from your POV eventually. Your insight is always the bomb. Sorry, it is.

I get you. It never stops:. I guess we just have to field this stuff for the rest of our lives.

[JNChell]

zachira, your presence here has been a good one. You’re wise, compassionate and careful. You’re also very helpful. 
Just wanted to say thanks for those things.

[zachira]

Thank you. You are so welcome! I can't tell you how many people have helped me on this site and else where. I finally realize most people are not like my family members, and we can have a happy life once we move on from the  toxic false family narratives.

[JNChell]

I couldn’t agree more. The noise of it all easily gets in the way. You’re right, most people aren’t like our parents and siblings. I’m not as far along as you are, but I can see that. z, thank you. I’ve been having a rough evening. I enjoy and benefit from your logic.

[Turkish]

Though we get along and there's been no major drama for the past two years (when there was DV in the other home), I've realized that I'm still averse to asserting myself with my ex,  retreating and even enabling to avoid confrontation and (perceived?) drama. Need to work on myself more.  No kids fur a week,  I'm going to hike in a local wilderness park Christmas morning, sit by the water and do some heavy thinking and relaxing. 

[MyBPD_friend]

Nice inventory,  MyBPD_friend.  It sounds like you're feeling gratitude for the good in your life and that you've worked hard to understand your emotional challenges.  Of the insights you listed, was there one you struggled with more than others?  What insight felt like it came first/most easily?

Thank you INSOM for your smart questions.

I learned that I have all I could ask for,  a loving healthy wife and loving sons and a good life.

I learned how important it is to be myself and to stay within my values of honesty, trust and authenticity.

Answering these questions isn't that easy. I'll try.
I believe the two statements above  were not very hard to achieve.
When I met this woman in april 2017, I was emotionally and intellectually more confused than ever before in any r/s. Nothing like meeting that woman was that special and difficult to deal with in the last 30 years. Nothing what I experienced was as challanging as this. Back then, I didn't know anything about PD, NPD and especially BPD.
BUT, I knew what I had with my loving wife and family, that was not really in question at any time. I learned to appreciate what I have more than ever before.

Growing up after my terrible accident with three drgree burns was the hardest someone can experience at age 10 - and later in life. Somehow, I managed to survive and become who I am today.

It was a major and life changing step to accept myself with all my mistakes and my wounds and scars. This was a painful process which took 17 years of my life from age 10 - age 28 (my last surgery). At that time I decided not to care anymore when people stare at me or when they have trouble with my looks. My decisions included not to have anymore surgeries to improve my scars, I got much stronger, after having been a strong personality already.

Both of the above came before I met her and have been stable until today.

I learned about my inner child and that my childhood trauma was the basis for a connection to a BPD women.

It was rather difficult to realize what happened with me and that woman, it was a lot of work and study (with the help of this forum) to understand my inner child and hopes and anxiety that I went through early in life. The fear of rejection, the fear of not beeing good enough for others was difficult to handle. I was a lonley man and a loneley child until 1988.

That woman was a huge challange. She triggered my childhood fears of these things and my fears, including my fear of abandanment.
She seemed to have accpeted me fully after just the first minute we started talking.
As a child and teenager, even as a young adult, I dreamed of beeing accepted for who I am, beeing touched physically by a woman that I like. It seemed like what so many say here, 'It was a dream come true'. It almost immediately felt like she was a missing part of me for so long. I've never felt that close to anyone so fast.
Soon after that dream started to collapse. She love bombed me, and she started a weird communication, not picking up the phone, not replying to text messages and e-mail or replying very late and so on.

I learned that I can't help to fix someone who I really liked.

That was difficult too. I had to learn, that trusting the words of a BPD is almost like talking to a fish. I HAD to learn that a BPD can't or usually can't open up for an open discussion about their issues. They are ashamed of their own behavieur - I believe. Even when trying very hard to help and offer a good friendship, it seemed NOTHING can change or chanllange them. Making plans or dates with a BPD is like waiting for the 'REAL' Santa Claus, never going to happen.

NOW, the most difficult part during that period of April 2017 and even today is, I still think of her, I still struggle with the things that I can't understand.
I struggle with the fact, that understanding them is probably harder than unstanding Einstein. I struggle with the fact that she never ever offered ANY answer to my questions.
I want to reject the fact that I still think of her. At the same time, I understand the challange of having been close to a BPD. I could punish myself for still thinking of that woman.

I wished I could use the erase button to get her out of my thoughts.
BUT, through my experiences in life I know one thing 'Even the worst things and pain will disappear at some point in the future'. I learned to believe in that.
Scars will stay within us as a part of who we are, we have to accept that a a matter of fact.

To me, physical pain is nothing compared to psychological pain, having said by a guy who had almost 30 surgeries.

I wish every one a Merry Christmas and a happy fulfilling year and less pain in 2019.

[JNChell]

Turkish, that sounds like a nice time and I hope you’re looking forward to it. Nature is a great place to explore. I’ve always found it easy to ground myself there. I was kind of lucky growing up. When my dad got transferred to another state due to the factory shutting down, the house that my parents purchased had woods attached to the property. They owned 9 acres of it, but the whole woods was much bigger than that, and as an adolescent, I didn’t abide by the property lines. Their was a nice creek that wound its way through. I could escape my home life anytime I wanted. I spent a lot of time out there. I remember it all and could navigate it to this day.

Your post is a good reminder. Getting back in touch with nature is something I’ve been wanting to do. Motivation for things like that has been scarce in me for a while. I really want to get S4 out in the woods and let him run wild. I think that it would be memorable for both of us to start doing that.

I just had a memory that I think you’ll be able to relate to a bit. Not long after we moved there, my dad had a guy that he worked with come over. He was Native American. He took me out into the woods and taught me a little bit about tracking. I remember him showing me the difference between a buck and a doe by their hoof prints. He rode barrel horses in the rodeo aside from his work. I only met him that one time. I don’t even remember his name, but it was a cool experience. My dad had his moments, I guess.

I hope you have a great time out there, Turkish. I also hope that you’ll bring some of it back here.

[MeandThee29]

Lots of good thoughts and wisdom here. Mine... .

1. Get feedback, whether it be from a therapist, life coach, or whatever, get feedback on what you are experiencing and feeling. This board is one place, but there are many. Be open to opportunities. I felt like our long-term therapist had done what she could, so I saw a local life coach familiar with personality disorders in late 2017 and into 2018. She dug into some different areas there were very helpful to me. Then she suggested a local 12-step group that has been immensely helpful. I'm now volunteering some with them to help others. I have a new group of friends from there that I love and appreciate.

2. One of my weaknesses is discontent, and from that came my personal word for 2019 -- contentment. I found that I was grumbling a lot about my work, my house, my bills, and everything in general. Some of that came from my circumstances being separated. Some came because I picked up some attitudes from my husband who was critical and impatient. Now when things are delayed beyond their control (I waited an hour for a manager at a bank today that was short-staffed), I accept it. I accept that a lot of things in life aren't perfect but are pretty good. Usually people are doing the best they can and are pretty good-hearted.

That's it for now!

[JNChell]

Hey, M&T29. Positive and truthful feedback is good and helpful from the right sources. I spent time with my best friend’s family over Christmas. The conversations went wild but it was comforting. The elders kept everything in bounds. One boy is pretty radical, but he just likes to get a rise where he can find one. I think he’ll grow out of that. He’s actually pretty comical in his antics.

Contentment. That’s a tough one. It doesn’t seem to stick. However, I think it’s important to point out that it’s at the front of your mind. It’s at the front of my thoughts as well. How do we get there?

It’s the holidays M&T29. I’ve only been here for just over a year. Things have been pretty charged up around here during the holidays. I get it. Do you think that things may run deeper than your experience with your husband when it comes to how you feel?

[MeandThee29]

Contentment. That’s a tough one. It doesn’t seem to stick. However, I think it’s important to point out that it’s at the front of your mind. It’s at the front of my thoughts as well. How do we get there?

It’s the holidays M&T29. I’ve only been here for just over a year. Things have been pretty charged up around here during the holidays. I get it. Do you think that things may run deeper than your experience with your husband when it comes to how you feel?

I can work on contentment by not complaining about things I can't change (hello, serenity prayer). One of my young adults is really good about this and will actually point out when I am complaining about things. I also need to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. There are many good things in my life.

My feelings do run with me at times. I had a no-good day at work yesterday and was tired from Christmas. I was sad about our second Christmas without my husband and being in a rental house, not the house we lived in for twenty years and where we raised our kids. I ended up bawling my eyes out over a movie where a couple had deep trouble and ultimately worked through it. It was a good movie, but reminded me of my loss. The cry did help though. I felt better and slept well.

It's just all tough. The personality disorders wreck such destruction.

[zachira]

There is not one best thing I learned about myself in 2018 because there were so many. Some I have already shared. Going traveling in an underdeveloped country for several weeks taught me about gratitude and respect. It also gave me the courage to feel I can do anything. Ever day during my travels, I was dealing with unbelievably challenging situations, and the people even more so. I saw people with terrible medical conditions that were not getting any care. One day I saw a man crawling down the street. I met many men both young and old who had no hope of ever getting married who worked long hours for little pay and who were always sleep deprived. So many of these men just wanted to leave their country to be able to have a decent life. I did not see much of the women as they are second class citizens that mainly live at home. The police were everywhere. It is illegal in this country to have sex outside of marriage, and the police and community do their best to enforce the law. Despite all their difficulties, many people went of their way to be kind to me and treated me with respect. I could only think that my problems with my family were really not such a big deal, after all I still had hope for a better life, whereas for most of these people not much is likely to change. Many of them work extremely hard, are honest, and kind to others, despite how hard their lives are. As I was exiting security at the airport, a policeman said to me: "Take me with you!"
 

[JNChell]

Hi again, M&T29.

It’s nice to hear that you have a secure relationship with your young adult. Criticism isn’t always easy to hear and I struggle with gratitude at this point in my life as well, but it’s improving. For me, my struggle with gratitude is like holding a grudge on the past. I struggle to accept that the past is what it is. It’s over and can’t be changed. Why am I still mad at it?

Crying definitely helps get the feelings out. Now that I think about it a little deeper, crying is a distress signal for young ones. Just look at how much we had to stuff as young ones that was forgotten for years. That stuff has to come out sooner or later if we’re on a path to healing.

Don’t be hard on yourself about a rental house and stuff like that. I understand, but the important thing here is family. Home is where the heart is. Love, memories and positive experiences outweigh home ownership. You did what you had to do and you’re doing it well. I think that you owe yourself some gratitude.

I’m sorry that you’re missing your ex during the holidays. I’ve been missing mine as well. Take it easy. Enjoy yourself and your young adults.

[JNChell]

Zachira. Your post is inspirational. It reminds of a book that I read that was given to me by my sister when I was going through a very difficult time. “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed. It’s an inspiring true story of self work. I recommend it if you’ve never read it. Happy Holidays!

[Tsultan]

This year I learned that I spent a good part of my life carrying around a heavy bag of shame with me because as a little girl only 4 years of age a cousin of mine sexually abused me. How does a little girl carry this shame around her entire life? Well this year I started to unpack it a little. I would have to say that this website played a major role in helping me do that. For that I am grateful. The good side of meeting someone with BPD is that it helped me take a look at myself.

I have also learned that in order to have close relationships I need to risk and be vulnerable. I do think that when I allow myself to be vulnerable that is when I am the strongest. Being vulnerable is risky. It requires us to stand alone. Today I am stronger to stand alone and risk vulnerability. To me that means I’m going to voice my feelings about a situation and stand up for myself even if someone might get angry. It also means I might share my opinion about something and risk someone might disagree with me. Today I know it’s okay to disagree with each other. Today I have a voice. I don’t have to carry that bag of shame around with me anymore.

Tsultan

[Insom]

Thanks for the great comments, everyone.  It's inspiring to hear about the different areas where each of you feel you've made progress. I'm feeling hopeful about 2019.

Tsultan, it sounds like you successfully processed some difficult history this past year. I can relate to the paradoxical seeming idea that the ability to show vulnerability is actually a strength.

JNChell, I've enjoyed reading your thoughtful responses to what others have said. 

MeandThee29, like zachira, it sounds like you're doing a good job feeling your feelings.  It's normal to feel sad about change.  Nice that you were able to find the right movie to get the tears out! 

Turkish, it's great you were able to take some down time this season and I look forward to hearing how it went in another thread when you're ready to share.

MyBPD_friend, I hear you're feeling frustrated with yourself for still thinking about her.  From my point of view it sounds like you're on the right path and all this means is that there's even more healing you have to look forward to.