I don't trust anyone

[once removed]

we can choose our friends and associates. we cant choose our families. we can cut off our families... .we can cut off anyone. im a believer that avoidance keeps us from experiencing connection, rewarding aspects of relationships, and that in the end, there are too many difficult people out there, that we cant really avoid.

im also a believer in what another member said: "good boundaries are about having a relationship that is safe and works"

Isn't that putting our neck on the line? 
... .
I don't like stealing either,

so, i hate thieves. im more judgmental about stealing than i am most things.

i knew before i dated my ex that she stole from a previous boyfriend after they broke up. it would not have been unreasonable for me to assume that could happen to me (it did).

i have certain rules with people i know have stolen, like say, i probably wouldnt have them in my home, i probably wouldnt date them, etc. just like if i knew an alcoholic, im not going to have them babysit my children or drive me around.

i dont think that means i have to exclude them from my life... .there may be other aspects about the relationship that are rewarding. these are human flaws that i give more or less weight to, like others. i dont put myself in a position (neck on the line) for it to happen to me.

on the other hand, how reasonable and realistic am i in my approach, as far as trust goes? if i hate thieves, does that mean i cant date someone who stole a candy bar from the grocery store as a child? there are degrees when it comes to my values, and then there is trust as a matter of boundaries.

reasonable people can differ with any of these examples or points - thats not the point. the point is we can be rigid in our outlook and approach, and it can keep us disconnected from others.

[itsmeSnap]

good boundaries are about having a relationship that is safe and works

True, I guess what "works" means is a personal thing.

there may be other aspects about the relationship that are rewarding.

This compartmentalization I can manage with people I don't care for "as a person", as in, strictly business. If like you mention boundaries is about "degree" then I guess that's where I draw the line: I could treat them "strictly business" and still have them in my life, that is also keeping my distance.

You are right, they are who they are, and I don't feel like associating with who they are.

I will have to look  for people who share my values somewhere other than my own family, I think I'm starting to understand that now.

I am who I am, I am the only agent of change in my life, and this is a thing I guess I'm not willing to give up, these are core values I feel I need to live by, whatever the consequences.

the point is we can be rigid in our outlook and approach, and it can keep us disconnected from others.

Boundaries are about limits we are willing to enforce, those are a bit rigid by definition. Of course values can change and as a consequence the boundaries move with it.

 I guess on my particular situation I'm more willing to explore further horizons than keep guarding against the current "inner circle".

I am willing to engage, how else would I know if they're " trustworthy" if I don't give them a chance, just now I know to take into consideration that trust can be broken and be ready for it.

I guess all this was is my own conflict with what "should be" and what actually "is", both in my relationships with family and my own approach to them. I will lean now on what " is" and take it from there.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to answer, it has helped me tremendously.

 

[Cat Familiar]

This topic has reached the maximum length. Please feel free to continue the conversation in another thread.