My Daughter is targeting her younger sister

[Parents! Get help here!]

I need help in dealing with my daughter who is 34.  She has always been difficult but just recently I read a book on BPD and realize she meets the criteria of a high functioning BPD. She tends to target certain people with her hatred and nasty behaviour and comments. Right now she is targeting her younger sister (22). I don’t know how to support either girl without taking sides. I’ve read that BPDs are in a lot of pain, but her behaviout is so nasty I can hardly feel sorry for her.  She will not hear any criticism of herself or consider that she is at fault in any way. My younger daughter has decided to have nothing more to do with her.  I don’t want estrangement in my family. How is the best way to handle this?

[Theresamary]

I need help in dealing with my daughter who is 34.  She has always been difficult but just recently I read a book on BPD and realize she meets the criteria of a high functioning BPD. She tends to target certain people with her hatred and nasty behaviour and comments. Right now she is targeting her younger sister (22). I don’t know how to support either girl without taking sides. I’ve read that BPDs are in a lot of pain, but her behaviout is so nasty I can hardly feel sorry for her.  She will not hear any criticism of herself or consider that she is at fault in any way. My younger daughter has decided to have nothing more to do with her.  I don’t want estrangement in my family. How is the best way to handle this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Theresamary

I'm sorry for what has brought you here but I'm glad you found us.

It's understandable that you'd have a difficult time having compassion for your daughter when she's lashing out. Many parents here can relate to this, myself included.

Unfortunately, people with BPD (pwBPD) are driven by emotions rather than logic. Any attempt to point out that they may have a part in their suffering can open you up to verbal attacks, as you've likely discovered.

This does not mean you should walk on eggshells, but there are proven tools that can help you communicate with your older daughter, support your younger daughter, and take care of your own wellbeing, without feeling like you're taking sides.

A good place to start is the thread that's pinned to the top of this board: How to get the most out of this site
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331689.0

I'm sure others will be along shortly with links and insights, we are all here supporting each other along this journey.

You're not alone.

Again, welcome.

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Hello Theresamary

I would like to join Only Human in welcoming you here.

I’m sorry to hear that you often feel caught in the middle between your two daughters, a parent’s nightmare for sure, not knowing the best way to handle things without seeming to take sides. I got caught up in the drama between my daughter and my uBPD son, he, like your daughter, is also high functioning. Have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle? I will give you the link here:

Karpman Drama Triangle

Please let us know your thoughts

FB x

[Lollypop]

Hi Theresamay

I’ve two sons. Son28 and my younger at 18. It’s tricky territory and you’ve asked such a great question. In reality, it takes real effort to emotionally support both. I found that by demonstrating validatory behaviours my family learnt from me. The atmosphere changed for the better at home as I made it lighter - I focussed on that as my priority.  

When son28 was dysfunctional and I was on my own and I successfully calmed the situation - then I’d make sure I’d tell my husband exactly what I did. I’d also share an abbreviated version with my younger son dropping in that son28 was finding things really challenging etc. To be honest, son 18 had very little empathy and more antipathy towards his eldest brother.  But over time, he started to better understand.  I wanted them to be closer but knew son18 may not have the skills or emotionally cope and, if that proved to be true, then that had to be ok. I didn’t want son18  to feel pressured into spending time with his older brother, particularly when he was struggling. I can’t make them like one another - they are very different. Son28 thinks they are exactly the same but resented my younger son’s successes. If son28 was awful to be around  I’d get son28 to withdraw, so we got relief.

There’s natural competition for my attention and love - I walk delicately. When I’m with each, I try and make sure my interaction is as good as it can be in that moment. It’s hard work!  I’ve had long periods of negative behaviours  from both of them and I needed to switch my attentions as needed. They are now becoming closer, as son28 has stabilised. We are relaxed now, it’s taken patience and persistence with me leading.

I use SET for both son’s if there’s problems and they’re highly emotional. I use short simple statements only.

What do you say when your eldest kicks off and how’s that worked for you?

LP