Exhausted and uncertain of whether to stay or go

[Paulita]

Hello all,

This is my first post. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the information on this site (excellent 'though it is). So I'm hoping that by writing about where I am, that I might be met with kindness and understanding for my confusion.

I'm in a relationship with my partner for almost 9 years although we are not married, nor do we live together. He is/was an alcoholic and has been sober for a year after hitting bottom and going into detox. Before he did that, he had an affair with his son's friend. He blames me for the affair because I left him alone the night of his son's marriage as he was very drunk. I was trying to get him sober for those 8 years. I started going to Alanon 2 or 3 years ago and that has made me see how co-dependent I have been. He was very suicidal when his short lived relationship broke up (I didn't know about it at that time). I contacted his doctor and went with him to an alcohol treatment service and made sure that his friend checked in on him from time to time. He now has no contact with any of his old friends and has an estranged relationship with his son.

The last year has been very difficult even though he is sober. I have been very angry and unsure if I want to continue the relationship or not. He has also been very angry and blaming because I am angry. He thinks I live in the past and won't move onto a wonderful future. I started seeing a psychologist in September and it is he who suggested that my partner may be BPD. He seems to have many symptoms now that I read about it. I never knew what it was.

I know I have to set boundaries if I want to continue in relationship with him. One of my boundaries is that I want to spend the holiday time with my family and on my own and I have invited him to spend only New Year with me. He is furious and hurt and I get email after email laying out all my faults. I know he is terrified of being abandoned. I also fear the end of the relationship and being alone.

So I don't know if I want the relationship to continue and if I do, am i prepared for all the hard work involved with someone with BPD? I feel so exhausted by the last few years of alcoholism and his suicidal threats and his depression. I don't know if I can give anymore. I want to take care of me.

Thanks for reading/listening

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Paulita



I'm glad you found us.

My boyfriend is an active alcoholic with BPD so I can relate to what you're describing. It sounds as though your partner doesn't understand the emotional toll that these years have taken on you. I would guess that the years before your partner got sober were spent dealing with crisis after crisis and immense worry, and it's probably only been this last year that you've had enough space and calm to start processing all the emotions from the years before - is that right?

How long have you known about the affair? Did he confess this to you or did you find out some other way?

[Paulita]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, the last drinking year or two were hell. He was having accidents, we were fighting a lot because he was driving drunk. I wouldn’t sleep with him because he had deteriorated physically and wasn’t taking care of himself. He got a cancer diagnosis. I had no space to be angry as I was trying to save him. I found out about the affair when it was over by seeing some emails of his. I stayed with him because he went to rehab and I thought things would get better. I felt such pity for him. And of course I needed to be needed.  Now he is cancer free and sober any I can allow myself to be angry. And he is furious about that and blames me for destroying everything. He won’t allow me to talk about the past.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Paulita,

It sounds like you've had a hell of a lot to deal with. 

Now he is cancer free and sober any I can allow myself to be angry.

I can completely understand this. All the stress of those years will have caused a lot of feelings which you didn't have time or room to let yourself fully feel while you were actively dealing with the situation. Now the worst crises are over, all the suppressed feelings will be coming out, especially the anger - as you said you can "allow" yourself to feel it now.

Now he is cancer free and sober any I can allow myself to be angry. And he is furious about that and blames me for destroying everything. He won’t allow me to talk about the past.

While you're finally free to experience your feelings, he is probably trying to avoid his. As far as he's concerned, it's all fine now, so he can't understand why you keep going back to painful times that he wants to move on from. I can understand why you're feeling angry about the past now, and I imagine most members here will be able to understand it too, but your boyfriend might not.

You say you've been going to Al-Anon. Does your boyfriend go to meetings himself? I would expect them to be quite good at gently helping him to understand how you will still be affected by what you experienced during the years when he was drinking.

Are you working through some of the anger during your sessions with the psychologist?

[Paulita]

You are so lovely to reply Bnonymous. I am only beginning to recognise my anger and resentment in my therapy sessions. I thought he was the angry one! I do realise that I hurt him a lot if I lash out in an email or a text message. He tends to re-read them and re-read them and obsess about them.

I do find Al anon helpful for myself. I wonder if there are support groups for family members who have mental illness - i've never heard of them. He doesn't go to AA as he doesn't like the sound of it - relying on a Higher Power and revealing oneself in front of a group. I don't nag him about it. He has started to see a therapist in a treatment centre so that's good. And he uses NLP to help him with any alcohol temptations. He is also starting to use NLP techniques to control his anger. He now feels superior to me because he has succeeded so well to stop drinking.

I would like to read a book on BPD and have found one "I hate you - don't leave me" by Jerold J. Kreisman - which seems good.

How do you manage to take care of yourself being in relationship with an active alcoholic?

Thanks again for your kindness

[Bnonymous]

Hi Paulita,

It sounds like you're both taking steps to address things. It's good that you're both seeing therapists and it sounds like the NLP stuff is helpful for him and Al-anon is helpful for you.

I would like to read a book on BPD and have found one "I hate you - don't leave me" by Jerold J. Kreisman - which seems good.

I found that reading up on BPD helps enormously. I've read a lot of books on the subject, but the book you mention is one I haven't read (because the copy I bought had insanely small print so attempting to read it gave me a headache). The one most members here talk about it 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' - I think it's one of the best books on BPD out there. I also like 'When Hope is Not Enough' by Bon Dobbs - there's great emphasis on compassion in that book, which I find appealing and helpful.

How do you manage to take care of yourself being in relationship with an active alcoholic?

I guess one day at a time and with a kind of "detach with love" approach. It is hard to see him enslaved to the drink and it is scary having the worry of what he is doing to his organs, seeing the deterioration in each batch of blood tests. But I know that I can't stop him drinking, that only he can do that, and that helps. I am really supportive and encouraging when he makes any efforts to stop or cut back. The rest of the time, I just stand back, listen with empathy, let him use me as a sounding board to work things out for himself by talking around them, and then "let go and let God". 

I think, if I thought that I could or should do something about his drinking, then I'd crack up with the fear and pressure. But I know that there's nothing I can do and that it's his problem to fix (or not-fix if he chooses not to) and I accept that. I guess I have something like a "radical acceptance" approach to it, and that very much helps me to stay anchored and keep my sanity. I have a lot of hope that he can beat the drink when he is ready to try again (he went into detox last Summer but relapsed within weeks of getting out). But I also accept that he has an illness and that I can't make him fight that illness, that it has to come from him. I accept that I have no control over his drinking, and that's the only way I'm able to cope.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

[Radcliff]

Let me join Bnonymous in welcoming you.  I'm glad you have found the support of Al-anon.  The tools taught there and the tools taught here complement each other nicely.  A core theme is that we can only control our own actions.

You have seen how difficult the e-mails can be.  E-mails and texting almost always make things worse, and are a terrible way to make a point or be understood.  Best to keep as much as possible of the emotionally sensitive topics face-to-face.  Have you read the article on the importance of learning not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE)?

RC

[Paulita]

Thanks Radcliffe. I will read that article. I am reading a book that I found on here “loving someone with BPD” by Shari manning. I am finding it very interesting. Although I’m not sure if I do love him anymore. I’ll keep an open mind. There is a lot for me to learn.

[once removed]

hi Paulita,

He has started to see a therapist in a treatment centre so that's good. And he uses NLP to help him with any alcohol temptations. He is also starting to use NLP techniques to control his anger.

these are some positive developments... .how long has he been seeing the therapist?

[Radcliff]

Yes, there is a lot to learn.  And regardless of which way you go with the relationship, what you learn will help you process things in the healthiest way possible, and the tools you can learn here will reduce conflict and help you know you brought your best.

How did your New Year go?

RC

[Fie]

Hello Paulita 

Although I’m not sure if I do love him anymore.

What exactly is it that is keeping you in this extremely difficult relationship ?

xxx

[Paulita]

Good question Fie   Fear of being alone? Hope that he'll get better? Belief that I will never find anyone else because my self esteem is a bit battered?

I don't ask him too many questions about how often he sees his therapist Once Removed. He has also started having Shiatsu massage which he says helps him a lot. He does talk to me as if he has it all figured out and is a peaceful, enlightened human being. I told him that I believe that he feels superior to me, so that surprised him. I'm trying not to JADE and when he goes on and on about all of my problems, I suggested that he talk about himself and that I talk about myself.

I'm happy to be learning here and not feel so alone.

Thanks for your replies

[Radcliff]

I'm trying not to JADE and when he goes on and on about all of my problems, I suggested that he talk about himself and that I talk about myself.

How did he respond when you said this? 

RC

[Paulita]

He said “yes but” and repeated what he had said about me. I then repeated that I thought he should talk and himself and I talk about myself. He got quiet and dropped it (for now). It is quite difficult for me not to JADE as it seems a habitual response.

[Bnonymous]

It is quite difficult for me not to JADE as it seems a habitual response.

You're right about that. Defending ourselves is a very natural, instinctive reaction. It can take a lot of time and practice to learn to override that habit and respond from a place of awareness and reflection. In time though, the new habits start to become our go-to responses and to feel like second nature. Well done on persevering with this - you'll get there.

[Radcliff]

He said “yes but” and repeated what he had said about me. I then repeated that I thought he should talk and himself and I talk about myself. He got quiet and dropped it (for now). It is quite difficult for me not to JADE as it seems a habitual response.

His skill level may be low enough that "talk about yourself" is a high level instruction he can't put into practice.  It also could be perceived as invalidating.  But, perhaps you can coach him in small steps.  He is criticizing you, but underlying that criticism are likely feelings of his that could be validated.  Do you think you might have some success encouraging him to share his feelings with you?  He may have trouble identifying his feelings, though.  When you "catch him in the act" you might ask him what he's feeling right then, or you might even take a guess and ask him in a caring way if he is feeling that way.  

The big idea is to move the emphasis away from criticisms that upset you to a focus on his feelings that you can validate.  Does that make sense?  Are you willing to give it a try?

RC

[Paulita]

I admit to resistance at the idea Radcliffe but i will try! I would just like him to stop criticising me without my having to be kind to him... .

[once removed]

you dont have to be kind, in response to criticism.

but it makes a lot of sense to not escalate, to listen, and to sift through whats valid.

think in terms of baby steps. we cant lead our relationships into healthier territory over night, or solve all the problems. we get a better feel for what a healthier relationship with our partners look like, we start to steer the ship in that direction, and ideally, our partners follow our lead.

[Paulita]

Thanks,

I've been reading this and it's really, really helpful

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Radcliff]

I admit to resistance at the idea Radcliffe but i will try! I would just like him to stop criticising me without my having to be kind to him... .

I does seem counterintuitive!  I don't mean you have to exhibit endless kindness (at some point we need to enact boundaries) but trying to get to the root of the emotion behind their criticism can be helpful to both parties.  The way I think of it is that my pwBPD has thrown a pile of poo at me with a gem in it.  That gem may be a valid criticism of me in a nasty package, or perhaps some knowledge of their feelings that could be important to helping things.  I really don't like the nasty packages, not at all.  But looking for the gems helped me improve things.

Thanks,

I've been reading this and it's really, really helpful

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Excellent!  That's really helpful for us to hear that.  As you think about your next interactions with him, what are you thinking of doing differently with this new knowledge?

RC