I did the unspeakableble

[Depression = 72% of members]

Walking on eggshells.  Unable to talk to her about anything.  Constantly using threats of ending our marriage, belittling me.  Trying to be her caretaker, adjusting my boundaries and allowing her to trample them just so I didn't trigger a tirade of name calling or worse, a discard... .I couldn't take it anymore.  For my own sanity, I decided to tell her the truth about how I really felt.  Hard making the decision to finally break away, but for my own sanity I had to make sure there was no way of going back.  You must understand something.  I recognize that I have something inside me that makes me vulnerable in this toxic dance  with her.  I knew that if I didn't do something, I was going to completely lose myself and I am not healed enough or strong enough yet to let go... .this has really messed with my brain... .so I did the reprehensible in her eyes and snapped after yet another emotional and verbal abuse and more threats to leave the relationship... .I snapped... .told her how I really felt about her behavior, choices, the damage they do... .I had to do something to save myself.  I had to make it so not even she would want (in her BPD thinking) to try further.  How did I do this?  By telling her things that are truthful, things she has said others have told her, so it's not just my opinion, it's reality... .I can't take it anymore.  I have to save myself.  I have to.  I can't  do this anymore... .it's destroyed me to the point I'm am not even me anymore.  This relationship and marriage has to end.  It's over and I have to save myself.  I'm dying inside and this toxic dance with my wife has to end. 

[PianoDood]

Walking on eggshells.  Unable to talk to her about anything.  Constantly using threats of ending our marriage, belittling me.  Trying to be her caretaker, adjusting my boundaries and allowing her to trample them just so I didn't trigger a tirade of name calling or worse, a discard... .I couldn't take it anymore.  For my own sanity, I decided to tell her the truth about how I really felt.  Hard making the decision to finally break away, but for my own sanity I had to make sure there was no way of going back.  You must understand something.  I recognize that I have something inside me that makes me vulnerable in this toxic dance  with her.  I knew that if I didn't do something, I was going to completely lose myself and I am not healed enough or strong enough yet to let go... .this has really messed with my brain... .so I did the reprehensible in her eyes and snapped after yet another emotional and verbal abuse and more threats to leave the relationship... .I snapped... .told her how I really felt about her behavior, choices, the damage they do... .I had to do something to save myself.  I had to make it so not even she would want (in her BPD thinking) to try further.  How did I do this?  By telling her things that are truthful, things she has said others have told her, so it's not just my opinion, it's reality... .I can't take it anymore.  I have to save myself.  I have to.  I can't  do this anymore... .it's destroyed me to the point I'm am not even me anymore.  This relationship and marriage has to end.  It's over and I have to save myself.  I'm dying inside and this toxic dance with my wife has to end. 

[OrionLeonardo]

You must understand something.  I recognize that I have something inside me that makes me vulnerable in this toxic dance  with her. 

I knew that if I didn't do something, I was going to completely lose myself and I am not healed enough or strong enough yet to let go... .this has really messed with my brain... .

I have to save myself.

PianoDood,

These statements stood out more to me than some of the other although your whole post hit home. I get the feeling of walking on eggshells. Toxic dance indeed. I had to realize that I only get me, everyday. No matter where I go, there I am. I had completely lost myself. I have since started rediscovering who I AM. I can tell you that even though it is hard, I think looking back it was harder dealing with the verbal put downs and emotional turmoil I put myself through racking my brain on how I could do different or better for her not to be so frustrated with me all the time.

No matter what happens, I am glad you have found this space and I hope that you will find it gives you a bit of relief. 

[40days_in_desert]

PianoDood,

I've been right where you're at right now. I can feel that emotion just by reading your post even though those emotions began to subside over three years ago. It's still that fresh for me. I've also done the same thing as you explained by snapping back after just enough of the mental gymnastics that I was subjected to surpassed the thresh hold. You may have been accused of being manipulative, verbally/mentally abusive or have anger issues. Then to have those accusations come to life when you snap back. It's a common occurrence with many members here. It's frustrating. I get it.

[Spam591]

I’m in the exact same place pianodood.

You try to calmly express your feelings it backfires.

Your personal boundaries start to slip and before you recognize it you have none.

The feeling of being the relationship that is failing and knowing it’s because your partner is not mentally healthy but sticking it through because you look for the silver lining is the worst feeling ever. It’s this in stuff that kills me.

Most of the time i pray and hope she won’t ever come back to me. Then when it looks like it’s actually happening I pray she comes back.

I wish you the best. Stay strong brother. I’m right here.

[Red5]

I recognize that I have something inside me that makes me vulnerable in this toxic dance  with her. 

... .”projective identification”,

It’s the “frog in the pot” scenario, except this time, the frog has had enough of the hot water.

Happened to me about a month ago now.

Hang in there PianoDood,

Red5

[JNChell]

Hey, PianoDood. Sounds like things got pretty escalated. What did you say to her? How did she react?

[PianoDood]

Hi.  Been a rough week.  Things aren't just escalate.   I've been cut off, painted black and discarded again... .only this time, when though the pain is as excruciating as ever, I am making the only choice I can to literally save myself and detaching.  It's destroying me in every way... .even financially... .helping her,  feeling used... .when I'm struggling myself.   I have to get past this detachment (again) and stop this vicious cycle.   It's killing me.  Once I'm in a more stable place emotionally,  I then need to do some work on myself and the core that's damaged in me.  I want to feel normal again... .without the constant anxiety of walking on eggshells,  the fear that no matter how good things seem the next discarded could be right around the corner, never having my concerns and feelings validated,  unable to resolve any problems with any healing at all... .and the long standing issues that lack of healing... .compounds the problems in the relationship, the frustration of having all of her chaotic personal life issues impacting and dictating our relationship, always feeling shocked, appalled and devastated by things says and does with no owbership from her... .or worse, ignoring me and the issue altogether or blaming me... .I just can't take the abuse and mental and emotional torture anymore.   What did I say?

1.  That she was not doing enough to help or motivate her 20 year old son (my step son) who literally doesn't come out of his bedroom, plays computer and video games and watches movies constantly,  has no driver's license,  has never held a job... .a major anchor to her and our marriage... .

2.  Told her that her behavior toward me and the way she was treating me was wrong.

3.  Told her that she was behaving selfishly,  not engaging in a marital partnership and thinking only of herself when making decisions.

4.  Let her know that I was aware of an issue that underscored my feelings of being manipulated and deceived.   My wife has a gambling problem.   It's not that she spends huge amounts,  it's the fact that she (and we)  were barely making it.  A week earlier she had told me she would have $250 left from her paycheck on Friday.  Well, the next day,  she tells me unexpected bills came up and she didn't even have the money to spend time with me (we're living separately because of her last discard 11 months ago).  So, hubby comes to the rescue,  fills up her car's gas tank and I give her money in case she needed it.  Well, later that night,  she had a severe allergic reaction to naproxen sodium and I had to call 911.  As I was searching for her insurance card in her purse for the EMT, I found cash out vouchers from the casino with a time stamp of 7:08am that morning... .before she went to work on payday... .when she is $40,000 in debt and is talking about filing for bankruptcy!).  So, she lied and said she had gotten up late that morning, when in fact,  she had gotten up early, gone to the casino.  And then lied to cover her shame for doing it afterward.  So, I dropped a bomb on her with that.  I was so shocked when I found out she was deceiving me (still)  and acting out in her addiction that I didn't say anything at the time.   I was focused on her health in the ER that night and was so shocked and afraid to confront her for fear of triggering her that I didn't tell her I knew for a week.   I felt hurt,  shocked,  betrayed.   And that night after helping her,  comforting her and attending to her sensitively in the ER, she told me, and I quote, "Your love for me is beautiful." 

My love for her is so beautiful that she repays it by lying to me constantly,  putting our finances in jeopardy by acting out in her gambling addiction,  calling me names, ignoring me and our marriage and sitting idly and doing little to nothing to help her son (and, our marriage in the process).  It was (is) destroying me and I have lost all hope for the relationship.   I cannot fix or heal her.   And we cannot have an independent,  healthy adult relationship as long as she keeps denying she needs help.  My only sane choice is to detach to save myself and,  take care of myself and when I'm on a more stable footing emotionally,  mentally and financially and then,  when I'm past this meat grinder of a process of detachment,  work on healing my core issues so I never feel compelled to get into another toxic relationship... .or at the very least,  flee from them at first red flag.   It's still excruciating... .maybe even more intense for me because I have seriously chosen to go no contact (no contact at all for 10 days), detach and exit the marriage.   I don't want to, but I have to for my very life.  Literally.  She knows she's damaged (so am I, I know) but she takes no owbership for her healing because self evaluation is to painful for her because of her own core damage.  Having to face herself is so impossible for her that she will avoid to the point of discarding rather than self evaluate.   I don't hate her... .I hate the way her disorder causes her to treat me.  It's the most horrendous thing ever to be constantly threatened with divorce,  called names and treated like I don't matter as I simultaneously allow my boundaries and self-esteem to be trampled because if I don't,  she threatens divorce to shut me up or says I'm trying to argue when all I'm really doing is trying to get her to see what she was doing to me and our marriage.   Which she may never really grasp.   I have to make the only choice that allows me to save myself... .leave a relationship I don't want to end... .simply because it's the only choice that will not torture me forever.   I can't and won't subject myself to it anymore.   I try to have compassion,  but I also know there's a fine line between compassion and codependency,  which I know does play a part for me in my core. I have to get away.   

[JNChell]

PianoDood, you have a lot on your plate. You’ve said that you need to detach. I’m very sorry about the pain that you’re feeling. I understand the anxiety and how it feels. It can be debilitating. You’re ok, though. The acute feelings will indeed pass. You will still hurt, but the goal here is to get past the acute stuff and move forward to the next stage.

I want to feel normal again... .without the constant anxiety of walking on eggshells,  the fear that no matter how good things seem the next discarded could be right around the corner, never having my concerns and feelings validated,  unable to resolve any problems with any healing at all... .and the long standing issues that lack of healing... .

This sounds like a starting place. I remember you from when you were engaging here before. Do you feel like you’ve been emotionally drained once again? But worse this time around? Upon reflection, I’ve realized that after each recycle with my ex, the situation just got worse and the abuse escalated more quickly. I was very reactive to her. It sounds like you finally reacted as well. Don’t feel bad for this. Everything that you told her has been stuffed for a long time. Stuffed stuff will come out. Well, that stuff came out.

You have listed legitimate reasons to detach. I understand the recycling process far too well. I’m sorry that you had to go through this again. Are you done? If so, how can we help you navigate things?

[Cromwell]

Hi.  Been a rough week.  Things aren't just escalate.   I've been cut off, painted black and discarded again... .only this time, when though the pain is as excruciating as ever, I am making the only choice I can to literally save myself and detaching.  It's destroying me in every way... .even financially... .helping her,  feeling used... .when I'm struggling myself.   I have to get past this detachment (again) and stop this vicious cycle.   It's killing me.  Once I'm in a more stable place emotionally,  I then need to do some work on myself and the core that's damaged in me.  I want to feel normal again... .

Looking back can relate to not being able to have had this level of insight. There I was on a daily basis, trying to fulfill the daily needs and doing the same mentally draining exercises of doing so with great care so not to walk on land mines. But I never got to that stage of really appreciating that I was in no fit state to be helping anyone, based on where I had got to.

It sounds like you are looking out for number one. I think it helped me when I noticed the days I really struggled and I felt that I couldnt expect her to help me, then to realise that the nub of my main problems originated in the dynamics of being with her in the first place. It was a merry go round that just kept accellerating. PianoDood, from the stuff you are describing, it is you that needs to put the brakes on here, its the discovery of her debt making, the dishonesty - is there any hope that this can get better and not worse than it has already?

have you got faith that she can or will have the ability to fix any of this or damage limitation. I was too much in the fog to ever do anything until things became blatantly outrageous and that if I didnt suddenly find 'control' and put it in place, i was staring at catastrophe on the horizon. You might feel you did the unspeakable but from what I can relate to - its got to the stage where your own welfare has trumped the need to engage in superficial appeasement efforts. broken out of convention. Sorry for you going through this but it sounds like you are switched on that things have went too far.

[once removed]

whats the living arrangement like for the two of you? are you living together?

[PianoDood]

No faith.   I have detached with the intention of filing for divorce at some point in the future when I feel I'm emotionally ready to deal with it if she doesn't file.   I've had enough.   I have to get away from her.

[PianoDood]

She's made her own life a trainwreck and I'll not be taken on the tracks with her anymore.

[PianoDood]

https://youtu.be/KzgkBUSfr58

[PianoDood]

JNChell,
It's so hard to really relate Your Own Story without going into 15 pages of nonsense no one wants to hear. Or, more appropriately, things they already know themselves and have experienced LOL. Yes, at this recycle... .She left me last January basically to be homeless and I have fought to survive for a year and I've actually gotten myself in a position after that abuse where I am stable... .Which No Doubt, intrigued her. Never took any ownership of what she did a year ago... .But, hit me over the head about the fact that I had to Friendly dates with someone 6 months after she told me to never contact her again LOL. Does any of that sound familiar to any of you? Upon the recycle, the abuse started immediately.

[PianoDood]

JNChell.  I am done,  without a doubt.  I had so often told her that my willingness to love her through the rough spots, as she call them... .rough spots?... .No, not rough spots... .Abusive Behavior and BPD distancing... .I had so often told her that my willingness to love her through all of it was not weakness but strength. She didn't get it. I love my wife and I am the kind of person who will sacrifice for someone. But, unfortunately, in a BPD relationship oh, I've learned that sacrificing only makes you doormat. And I'm done being a doormat for someone who, when thinking about it logically, isn't even worth my time.

[JNChell]

Hey there, PD. I hope your emotions have settled a bit. This stuff is really hard man. It’s just hard. But, life is life. How do we live it? Piano chords or scoldings? I know that you’re hurting. You’ve been here before. You’re done now. How can we help you through this?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear PianoDood-

Sometimes “walking on eggshells” is too mild a phrase, it’s more like trying to avoid shards of glass; because to my way of thinking, with each perceived “misstep” on our part it feels like a puncture wound is inflicted.  Another loss of blood.  At some point we have to decide to stop our own bleeding.

I am so sorry for your pain... .so many of us know, or can empathize with many of your feelings at this time.  There’s a lot mixed in there.  But here’s a question - by saying you did the “Unspeakable”, do you mean you actually, FINALLY spoke your thoughts?   Do you understand how messed up that is that we are not only afraid to have our feelings and thoughts, but are petrified to verbalize them to our partners?  That is NOT relationship.

After 9 months of being apart (no visual contact, some great conversation), I allowed him to re-enter my life on Thanksgiving. 

Then sadly, he forced me to do the same as you on 12/14/18.  I won’t say what I said here, but I took it a step further.  In dramatic and typical screaming fashion, BPDbf went nuts on me and really for the first time in over 5 years, he physically threatened me.  I NEEDED him to leave.  And to protect myself from ever forgiving him again, I TOLD my niece what he said.  In essence, I bought insurance.

During the course of that relationship, I knew it was impossible to ever heal from injuries I was receiving on a daily basis.  But once he finally moved out, I began to get help (I was at my bottom).  Since you’re not living with your W, I believe you can take steps to begin your healing now.

My friend... .her words hold no weight against who you are.  She chose you because you are good and loving and strong.  You have ALWAYS BEEN that.  She will never be that.  I’m sorry. 

I too, waited for the man my BPDbf could be, “if only... .”. He’s just not going to EVER see that the emptiness and hate is in him.  And he’s 61.  Without help, BPD does NOT get better or mellow with age. 

You will come to an understanding of why you allowed her to stay in your life for this long.  You don’t need to question yourself over why you didn’t exit sooner.  We all have our reasons for staying and trying as long as we did.  Some questions have no answers.

You will learn to forgive without apologies - yourself and her.  Be patient and loving toward yourself... .neither of which I was toward myself initially.  And in time, you will come to trust yourself again.  I am speaking to all of us here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[PianoDood]

Gemsforeyes,
I want to first retract something I said in my previous post. I said that she was not worth my time. She is. There are good things about her. I fell in love with her for a reason. And I do have compassion for her and her disorder. But it does not excuse her behavior toward me nor the way she treats me, therefore because she refuses to take any ownership for her behavior or for her disorder, at least not to this point even though she knows she is broken, I have no other choice but to separate myself because her disorder is destroying me, my sense of self, self-respect and self-esteem. If I didn't have compassion for her and her disorder, I would have never studiously researched it, attempted to be validating and not trigger her and be a caretaker... .I would have never done any of those things if I didn't feel a sense of compassion for her. But that compassion has to end at the point where she crosses the line into abuse that she does not take ownership for.
Yes, this time I did decide to finally detach for good and leave this toxic relationship behind just for the fact of self-preservation. And I too bought my own "insurance". During this last attempt to reconcile which started three months ago, she was purposely hiding the fact she was seeing me from her entire family. Not only did that put her in a position of lying to her family every single time she spent the day with me or spent the night with me... .Telling them she was with a friend... .The impact on me was unbelievable. To be hidden from someone's life makes you feel like you're unworthy. But, we had come to an agreement when we started to reconcile. I told her the only way I would be able to deal with her hiding our attempt at reconciliation would be 2 have her openly and honestly talk to me about what was happening with her on a daily basis and regularly talk to me about our progress toward getting under the same roof and moving forward to heal our relationship. As usual, I followed through with my side of the deal  but she  completely  ignored her  side of the agreement. But it became very clear early on that that was not going to happen. She avoided everything, everything became my fault again and the abuse started almost immediately after we started to reconcile... .Walking on eggshells, constantly threatening to back out of reconciling and threatening the end of the relationship and divorce... .She was controlling me again and trying to control the whole situation again yet get what she needed from me somehow. In a way, I see this as a desperate plea. If she was so afraid of her family turning their back on her because of all the smear campaign she's gone on anytime she became dysregulated and discarded me, making it all my fault in the eyes of everyone around her and her family, then why in God's name would she come back, spend three or four days a week with me, lie to her family about it, taking the risk of them flipping out on her for trying to reconcile with me... .It's almost as if she knew there wasn't a chance of true reconciliation and healing, but she desperately needed the unconditional love, support and help I gave her. Yet she would tell me, used as a dagger to my heart, that I had nothing she needed.  Therefore, it was worth the risk of seeing me, only to repeat the same pattern. Not thinking about the possible outcome or how it might affect me, she only was concerned with soothing the pain with inside of her with the love that she knew was genuine that I would give her. But, her behavior and abuse started almost immediately. I asked her very pointed questions during the attempt to reconcile... .Or more aptly named, recycle... .

(1).  I need to feel secure in our relationship. Why would you want your husband to live in constant fear everyday that you will bail out, walk away without any explanation or prior notice? Why would you want your own husband to live in constant fear of you bailing out on him?
(2).  Five years ago you looked me in the eyes and promise to be with me for life no matter what, unless I was unfaithful or abusive to you. Why can't you look me in the eyes now and make those same promises to me? And actually follow through on them?

Back to the whole subject of insurance... .And by insurance, I can only assume you mean you made sure there would be no chance at reconciliation... .Well, I bought my own insurance this time. Because of the fact she was hiding me from her family, I made sure that I got the telephone numbers for her family members, because I sensed another discard was coming. She had gone to the casino kind of wasted money while on the same day manipulating me to fill up her gas tank and give her spending money saying that she had unexpected bills come up. She verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me constantly threatening the end of our relationship during what a Reconciliation she said she was trying LOL. Sorry, threatening the end of the relationship twice a week or more frequently is not setting the stage for any kind of reconciliation and healing. That's called abuse, manipulation and control. So when she finally came to the point of discard this time, I sent every picture that we had taken together... .Selfies from a baseball game and the Sunday Night Football game between the Lions and the Patriots in September... .and every other time we had spent time together... .I sent every picture with an explanation of where we were, what we were doing... .Do every one of her family members. That was probably not a good idea, but under the circumstances, the only way she is ever going to seek healing as if she hits a point where she is pressured personally to do so and realizes that she has damage so many people by lying to them. Including herself. Perhaps that was a very mean thing to do, but it made me feel like I had finally stood up, told her exactly what I thought about her behavior and how it affects other people and exposed her lies to her own family. Wow what she has put me through again this time is very painful and difficult, I have gotten so used to dealing with this from her after dozens of discards over a dozen years of relationship that as hard as it is, I've gotten the process of healing myself and detaching down pat. Only this time, I have insured that she will never recycle. For my own good.
And as far as communication goes... .All I did was send pictures and an explanation of when the pictures were taken and where and I have not communicated whatsoever with any of your family members after that. I simply wanted them to know she had been deceiving them along with deceiving me. Honestly, I think the only way someone with a disorder like this will ever take action to heal themselves is if they get painted into a corner where they cannot in any way of avoid taking ownership for themselves. I only hope she gets help so that she doesn't destroy someone else. My plan is to focus on myself, get myself stable and get my financial issues in order, some of which she caused. Once that happens, if she has not filed for divorce, I will. I have to save my life.

[PianoDood]

Gemsforeyes,
And to directly answer your question... .Yes, the Unspeakable was actually me telling her what I believe to be the truth... .I'll be it subjective because I was in a relationship with her... .About why she is where she is and how broken she is. In essence, I was not cruel, I was not demeaning Beyond any perception on her part that I was, I merely told her what she's heard from other people. She just never expected it from me because she had me so conditioned to walking on eggshells that I would never just come out and tell her what I really thought. So yes, I told her what I really thought about how she treats me, treats other people, my personal opinions which match many others about why her situation is the way it is, why her relationships with her family and her children are so dysfunctional. I'm sorry if that comes across as judgmental, it truly is not meant to be. But sometimes, someone has to tell them the truth. Unfortunately, usually that means you get painted black and discarded because they can't face themselves. It's too painful to deal with the shame and guilt they feel over what they do. My wife's pattern seems to be feel, act and then think instead of feel, think and then act. Promotions Drive every decision she makes and, as a result, those decisions turn out to be extremely self-centered and abusive because all she seems to think about is herself. While that may not be intentional, it doesn't make any less difficult or painful for me. You know I have to get away from her.

[PianoDood]

Emotions Drive every knee-jerk decision she makes. That's what I meant. My voice translator got it wrong.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear PianoDood-

I truly understand and feel most every word you wrote.  I could have written much of this myself... .including being “hidden” from his family, despite the number of nights he spent at my home, with my family and traveled with me.  That is extremely demeaning and eats away at your heart.

I also want to reinforce that we come to this site and are driven to spend countless hours here learning about this disorder because of our deep love and compassion for our partners.  We  attempt to learn the tools and skills with the hope of saving our relationships and healing our lovers.  And ourselves.  And somewhere in our broken hearts, we realize we cannot heal them.  That’s the most painful part. 

No amount of study, love, compassion or understanding on our part alone can “fix” or heal what ails them.  We’re horribly and sadly still blamed for so many things... .too many things.  And it’s not our fault - this disorder they acquired long before we met.

I was never told.  I found this on my own when I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men” 3.5 years into our relationship.  I was stunned to learn his behavior had a name.  And a cause.  I knew his trauma.  But you hit it straight on, PianoDood.  When your love refuses under any and all circumstances to accept responsibility or ownership of their cruelty, it doesn’t matter that it’s a “disorder”.  It’s the repeated cruel behaviors that break you down over time.  And it seems that continuing to allow it and forgive it makes it ok in their eyes.

I have discovered the weakness was/is in me.  He chose me because of who I “was” when we met.  He would not choose me today.  I have worked hard in the last 6 months to heal myself.  And have arrived at the day where I don’t want to love a man like him anymore. That wasn’t my goal.

I have SAID many times in the past that the nice things he did for me were NOTHING compared with the horrible things he did TO me.  Now, today, I can calmly accept that is in fact the case.  I don’t hate him.  I am sorry for him, his emptiness and his complete lack of self-awareness.

I loved him deeply for my reasons for that time.  And I don’t need to do that anymore.  I cannot stress that enough.  My goal through my therapy was NOT about him, it was about me, and feeling so lost and paralyzed.  But the result was simply not wanting to love a person like him anymore.  It’s hard to describe... .sort of like no longer being a prisoner of something I thought I HAD to do - “save” him.  He didn’t want that.  And it turns out, I was done, am done being emotionally beaten up.

And the really beautiful feeling, hard to explain, and I don’t know where it comes from or where it goes, is that the well feels like it is filling up.  I thought he emptied me for good.  But no... .There’s like this well of love has not been emptied of one drop.  For now I will direct it toward my deserving friends and family.  And later, maybe someone else.

I wish this feeling for you.  Tie up the loose ends that you must.  And Devote time to your own healing.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Cromwell]

Thank you Gemsforeyes

I found this point you made really interesting

It’s hard to describe... .sort of like no longer being a prisoner of something I thought I HAD to do - “save” him.  He didn’t want that.

I found my ex bringing up this notion that she wanted saved by me, it came up here and there and i think it was partly because I was actively saving and rescuing so often - it became a way to characterise the r/s.

but what makes your post so powerful to me is this realisation that, actually, she didnt really want to change or be saved, not properly and each time I did try it triggered always the worst. When I stopped trying to, the r/s actually got 'better'. Then you get hated because you become a symbol for their inability to deal with the issues of life adequately themselves. The day you dont rescue or race to the pleas for help - you get labelled as not caring after all.

It was all circular and toxic and no-win whatever move you make.

[PianoDood]

Gemsforeyes,
"But you hit it straight on, PianoDood.  When your love refuses under any and all circumstances to accept responsibility or ownership of their cruelty, it doesn’t matter that it’s a “disorder”"

It truly doesn't matter that it's driven by a disorder when it comes to my life and my sense of self.  

And in regard to saving her? I do realize that I have codependency issues. I am a rescuer. Not necessarily a bad trait until it crosses the line into dysfunction. Something that she said during the last week before she discarded this time... ."you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped".  I'm not sure exactly why she said it... .But I was almost shocked that she did. It's almost like she is giving herself over to her disorder like it's hopeless.  But,  regardless of whether or not she said it as a means of manipulation or if it came from her damaged car... .No truer words have been spoken. You can't help or save anyone who doesn't want to be helped or saved.

And the endless well of love you say you feel now bubbling up inside of you? I feel that as well. I reconnected that with that during the eight months I was away from her during the last discard. Inherent in me. And the mere fact that I recognized it and allowed myself to feel it reaffirmed who I was for me. A loving, kind, generous and loving person who does not deserve abuse. I deserve the love that I give.  And that love is still inside of me, still a part of who I am and I'm giving it to those around me. And maybe, just maybe, someday God will bless me with someone happy, healthy and whole to share my life with. But as for now, I'm focused on myself. I have to be. I've given enough, I've sacrificed enough, I've been a doormat long enough.  She's not even taking ownership for her actions and words let alone her own healing. It's time to go.

PD