My BPD ex-gf (psychotherapist) left me for someone else

[Toughluck]

Hi all !
I am a 35 year old (Finnish native) guy and I found this forum about 6months ago but this is my first post. Something happened during this xmas that is hard to cope so I decided to share my story and maybe get a new perspective.

I met my ex for the first time at 2014 autumn. She just broke up with some dude that she was engaged with. The guy left him for someone else (later on I heard that it was because she did push and pull games so the guy eventually had it) few weeks back.
Therefore I said to her that "it is not maybe wise for us to build a relationship while you`re still hurting and devastated" but she insisted that we should try and get to know each other.

In quite early stage she said that she has been diagnosed with BPD during her therapist (college) study time. In Finland there is a mandatory 1year therapy for every graduating therapist. I believe that it was not a surprise to her because she have abused and got abused in very bad way in the past in previous relationships. She had anorexia and other tough issues during her study time.I believe that she went to study therapy because she wanted to understand her psyche.
At the time I did not know what BPD means and I did not know until 6 months after our breakup. I tried to figure out what went wrong and I recalled that he was diagnosed with this and I started to investigate more.
Back to the story.So in early stages I started to notice that something is not right. Apart from occasional crying that was caused by her previous engagement, she acted very impulsive and I felt that she tested me from the beginning. She love bombed me from the very first day but every now and then, she dropped small bombs.
I remember one time at the very beginning that she asked that (we did not use any birth control although we were cautious) "what would happen if she got pregnant ?". I was honest when I said to her that, I would not mind that if she would go threw the abort process because we have only known each other for few weeks but If she decided to keep the child, of course I would be there for her and build a relationship/family with her. She got angry and said that, "if she`s pregnant, she could never be with me and would leave me because my first thought was to encourage to do abort". I was quite stunned, that is not what I meant.

Time passed and during this time every week she yelled me for some random reason. If I called her at the wrong time, if I did not text her enough during work time (?) or did not talk with her through a phone to late hours... .there was always something. I simply could not make her happy, or at least I felt that way. One time we agreed that we`re Friday evening together and watch some movies. And when Friday came, I told her that I go for a dinner with my friend (male friend) at 17pm and I pick her up after that. She cried over 1h when she heard this. She yelled to me that "I always break all the promises etc."I could not believe what I`m hearing. The dinner with my friend lasted like 1h and still we had fight that lasted like 6h

After 1 year of our relationship, my friend had a party that we were invited to. In there party there was this one girl that I have had sex with but I have not been in relationship with the girl. Well, I said to my ex that we don`t have to go because of this (possible) unsuitable environment for her. But she insisted that we should go.Ok, After she had put make up on and we were ready to leave to the party, she said that she did not want to go. I said that let us just go because we already said that we would come. She accepted to go there but during taxi drive, she started crying. I said to taxi driver that turn around, we are not going anywhere. She kept on crying and said, yes we will go ! After we got up from the taxi, she said that let`s see if we are a couple tomorrow ? I was very afraid and I tried to calm her down. We went inside and I tried constantly touch her and be next to her. She did not even look at me and when I went outside for a smoke, she started to tell my friends that I have called her narcissist (not true) and how bad person I was. Well, luckily my friends could not buy that and they came to me straight away and told me what she had said. I confronted her and I asked why would you tell such lies to my friends, she did not answer anything. At this point, I did not even know what narcissist really meant and I have not ever said to her such things.

Similar cases happened every now and then. She lied behind my back and when I confronted her, she didn`t say anything sensible. He just tried to manipulate or tried change the subject.
Every week was like this more or less. But the sex was the best sex I`ve ever had in my life and sometimes she knew how to say the words I want to hear. She was very intimate and loving (which melt always my heart) but out of the blue, it always changed.

I decided to move with her after 1,5y relationship (it took that long because I did not trust her and could not understand why she would abuse me). Quite fast our relationship went from bad to worse. When we went out, she flipped every single time. The arguments lasted always 5h or more... She would not let me sleep and sometimes I had to sleep in my car because she would not let me. Sometimes she came after me with bare feet (in the winter) without a key and said that If I would not come home she would freeze and it would be my fault. Obviously I always came back inside because I didn`t want my neighbors to see it.

My friends asked me, why in hell I stay in this kind of relationship, but I was in love.I have never loved a person like that but she drove me nuts. I did not bend, ever. If she acted badly, I threw that in her face.I did not say any disrespectful unless she have had do something first.this is why I play this "if" game.what if I would have bent?

Worst thing was that she did not ever explode in public, apart from few fortunate cases. She literally exploded and was physically abusive in front of my friends few times. If those situations would not happened, no one would have ever believed me. Thank god, few times it did happen. I said to her few times, that if she does not change her behaving towards me, we should break up. At this time she bought an apartment so he could move there fast if I break up with her. After she bought the apartment, I felt that she manipulated me to fight with her so she would have a reason to move away. Everything I said or did, made her angry and she accused me. I could not understand... .During this time she also started to hang out with her new best friend (she have lost many friends during our relationship) and they kept many parties over her friends house. I was not ever invited. There were some random dudes and girls having good time, meanwhile I was home alone basically relieved so I could breath but I was also afraid at the same time.

After 2,5y I said to her that she must move to her apartment (which was empty for 6mth) because I could not take it anymore. After we decided to break up, we decided that we would try once again so that we will live in separate apartments.

Well, that was not a good idea. On top what I had experienced before, she started to say that (every other day) maybe we should break up? One time she got wasted in a bar and kissed some random dudes. After that I said that this is enough, let us break up.

Few weeks passed and I noticed that I did not want to live without her. I thought that I could change her with my own attitude changes. I send her a 100€ flower delivery to her work place with a note, that " I could not live without her, I`m sorry let us be together". Well, agreed to see me and it was a warm welcome. We had sex and everything was fine... .But after few days she started the same thing all over again... ." MAYBE we should not see each other anymore? "... .sometimes she was warm but we were not in a relationship. We just had sex... .

I chased her over 2 months and after that I had it. I went to bar and there this one gal asked my phone number. I gave it to her but we did not kiss or anything. Day after that my ex calls me that she want`s to see me. We had sex and he had this warm moment, again. She agreed that we should try once more. I told her that I have given my number to this random girl but I did not do anything with her (mistake ?). She exploded.

Even though we were not couple, she exploded and yelled " how I could do this"... meanwhile she gets drunk every weekend and kisses random dudes.

Now my ex forced me to see that random gal. I said to her, that I love her and I don`t want to see anyone other than her. We fought 3 days about this. She said that she won`t talk to me before I go see this random lady and see if I get some feelings towards her. At this point I was very angry and I said to her, If you want me to go see this lady, it may involve sex etc. I could not see anyone or trick anyone to this twisted game. I really hoped that my ex would have backed down, but she only said that if you want to have sex with her, then so be it.

I was very angry and sad. I had used my whole summer vacation chasing her and this is my reward... .At this point my friends told me told leave and run away from her (we were not together at this point). So I did, I was so angry... .

I went to see this random gal and I had sex with her. The mistake that I regret the most... .I know that when I did this, I crossed a line even though we were not together.

After I did it, I cried through phone to my ex and was honest about it. I said that it was a mistake and I was just so angry, I was so fed up of everything. But she wanted me back... .for a while that is ! After I wrote to this girl who I had sex with, that "I got back together with my ex", my ex exploded. She wanted me to close the door first and then she was free to start the same ___ all over again. She accused me of everything that have happened. Obviously she was partially right, I broke something. We broke up... .During this break up, we had sex numerous times. One of these occasions, she asked me to "finish the job" so that we would get a baby (I did not wear condom). Of course I refused... .thank god !

Few weeks passed and I crawled  back to her (at this point we both were in tinder). I said that I would do anything if she would take me back. The truth is, I`ve never wanted to with any other girl than my ex, but she drove nuts and I made a mistake.
After we had sex, she said that if I close my tinder, she would talk to me about getting back together. I said to her, that we both should close our tinder accounts and get back together, but she refused. She said that I must do it, before we could talk. I kinda laughed because I noticed that once again she tried to fool me meanwhile she can do whatever she pleases. She left my apartment and slammed the door. She called me from a bus that " I`m sorry, I want to be with you etc.". I said to her that think a few days, so that I know for a fact that she wants to be with me.

After a day, she texted me from a party (where she hang out the summer 2017) while she was drunk. That she wants to get back with me. I replied and repeated myself that, she should think this over because I could not take this push/pull anymore.

4 days passed and I texted him. I noticed right away, that something has happened. I called to her, and she admitted that she slept with someone. I immediately guessed who it was (my wrestling partner from a rival wrestling club). I totally lost it... .We have had conversations about this dude before. I remembered that my ex asked 12 months earlier if I knew the guy and we talked about it. (later on I realized that 12 months earlier everything started to go south in our relationship, what a coincident).

She did not tell to the bloke, that she knew me. I wrote to that guy and explained that we were a couple and we have tried to solve and salvage our relationship. He basically said, I`m sorry... .but I`m not angry towards him... it is not his fault that my ex decided not to tell what is the situation. I must clarify that I do not know the guy well, I just know him by name and we chat every time when we meet but we don`t hang out.

My heart exploded... .I could not eat and I could not sleep. I removed my ex from the FB and almost all of her friends. After I cried non stop for couple of hours I called to my ex. I tried to win her back. She said that she needs room now and she does not know what to do.

Next weekend I saw my ex at a bar (last time that I have seen her). This was mid November 2017... .Her reaction was inhuman to say at the least... She just stared me like "why are you so sad/what`s wrong with you". He just acted like nothing happened... .I broke down. I left the bar and text to her that I need an answer if she wants to get back with me and I would not forgive her if she would check if that dude is viable partner in crime.

Few weeks passes and I notice that few of her friends remove me from FB (the friends that I have not removed myself during my broke down). I contacted to my ex and she said that we shall go to our separate ways... .I said "thank you" and I have not heard of him since (personally).

After 3 months of their dating they made a trip to USA. Driving with a convertible through Route 66. Funny that this was my dream, I told my ex that I have this dream and I would love go with her and do this. And after 3 months she does it with another dude... .Obviously I broke down. This was in February or something... .Of course she posted 10 social media photos in public so that everyone could see it, including me.

And she is a psychotherapist... .as if she knew how to hurt so that I would go insane, which I luckily didn`t because of my job... .my job kept me alive.

I looked back our relationship and I could not understand what went wrong, besides the obvious things. Obviously I made mistakes also, but I did not want anything else to be with her and that she would respect me. I have been in a 10 year relationship before (+shorter ones) so I knew instantly that this is not normal. Luckily she said in the beginning that she had BPD. Now I think that I may have had more tools to save the relationship if I only had understand the condition.

Even though my friends said after they saw how she acts, that I should leave her... .they were surprised that she could do this. I did not get a closure because I did not get a chance to talk with her face to face after she did what she did.  

This relationship was the best and worst that I`ve had. I`ve never experienced the warmth, the insanely good sex and we had good laughs... she always said that she haven`t ever felt that way either (idolization... .I know). I miss her and I can not let go.

During writing, I realized that you may judge me... .that I got what I deserved. But all I can say that I asked my ex 100 times that why she treats me like this while I love her more than anything. Still I get shi* poured upon me. I honestly tried... .I made a mistake but he made me seriously mad. I know that she knew how to manipulate me to act like shi*, she have bragged about her manipulation skills.

The reason why I wrote now to this forum is that yesterday I found out that they live together with the same wrestling dude. I broke down. It has been 1year and 2 months since we broke up.

I`m not stupid, of course I realize that she is toxic... at least towards me. And I`m better without her.

I`m very depressed now. Partially because I want a family and I`m 35years old. My ex wants a family also and she is one year younger than me. That tells me that they are going to have a baby quite soon.

My therapist said that thank god the person is not anymore in my life and I can start a normal relations ship with someone new. She`s right but I can`t start anything new before I stop thinking my ex. And firstly, I must stop stalking them vai FB

[Toughluck]

Let me add that, when she did not want to see me after she had sex with my acquaintance, I sent her my photo and she started to cry. She did not know what to do at the moment. I think that she started dating that dude because she knew that I would have not forgive her ? Does that make sense... ? or is it just play to keep me interested and around until she confirms that the new guy is available ?

Would it have make a difference to the outcome, if I`d have bent during relationship ? Meaning, If I`d ever confronted her abusing... .? I`m just broke because I can`t understand how the new relationship can work...

I have not been in contact with her after she made her decision. This has been asked 1000 times but do they (BPD persons) have urge in some point to contact me ?  I know that early this year, she participated this event I was supposed to go (and she knew it) but I did not went there. This was before her USA trip so maybe she just wanted to rub that to my face... .who knows.

I have read dozens of your posts and the posts have been a enormous help. I just can`t implement other stories and conclusions to mine because I`m quite broken. I can`t understand how I`m suddenly nothing to her and how can the new guy be happy ? Or can they happy, if you look at my story ?

At one point (after 1,5y of our relationship) she understood that she has been acted like a crazy person. That is why she asked me to join a couple therapy with her. I did not agree because I was so hurt concerning what she did to me. I asked that she should go therapy by herself to determine why he`s unhappy and what is wrong etc... .I regret that decision from the bottom of my heart... .and I can`t get it back

[once removed]

hi Toughluck, and

that is quite a story... .im glad you reached out, and i hope there was some relief in sharing whats been on your mind all this time. do i have it right that you were together for around four years?

[Toughluck]

Thank you!

We were together 3 years. Last 6 months were on/off basically.

This site has been a savior. Quite many things add up now after I have read more about BPD. She didn't love me... She just wanted security and I could not give it to her because I just can't (and couldn't) stand being abused.

My ex is wise and can understand what is happening when there is no stress involved. And her occupation helps her also. Time to Time, she acts like a crazy person. All of her relationships has ended at the same way. It all depends in my opinion how much her partners can stand the heat. But I should not think about how her life is going after this all happened... .But I'm not there yet. I'm still hurt

[once removed]

I'm still hurt

i can imagine so. my relationship was just shy of 3 years, and it took me a good while to recover and heal. these things have to be grieved.

it sounds like theres a lot youd like to say to her. have you considered putting it in an unsent message?

[Toughluck]

Sad you to hear that you've had rough times also! But good thing that you're over it, gives me hope (and to others)

You're right! I would have quite much to say to her but I'm mostly looking for some kind of validation and understanding... .I know that won't ever happen if I'd even send a letter to her. That I know that she accuses me of everything. She has spread the word that I'm root cause for pur break up. Even I've looked numerous times to her eyes and asked "why you treat me like this and why do you these things to me while you say you love me and I love you"... .

Maybe I should write a letter that represents my feelings and what I'm going to through... .because involving her in any way, would not help... .

Thanks!

[once removed]

i can definitely tell you that it does get better. much. we can go on to be stronger than ever before.

a lot of members write letters where they say everything they want, but dont send them. what do you think of that? would it help?

[Toughluck]

I think it is a good idea

[Red5]

i can definitely tell you that it does get better. much. we can go on to be stronger than ever before.

a lot of members write letters where they say everything they want, but dont send them. what do you think of that? would it help?

Once you write the letter, print it out and burn it.

I’ve read, and as well experienced... .the actual flame that renders the letter to ashes is quite good therapy... .closure ina way... .

Maybe you should try this... .I have a chiminea in my back patio, perfect !

My previous relationship and marriage was over eleven years in duration... .

Hang tough” Toughluck!

You are not alone my friend!

Red5

[Toughluck]

Thank you all ... .

I will do it before 2018 ends. Fresh start for the next year . I thought I hung long on top of the horse but 11 years☝️... That is a long time

[once removed]

how you holding up otherwise?

[Toughluck]

I think I`m getting better now. It took few days to gather myself up after I heard the news that she`s living with the guy.

It is quite hard to accept the fact, that there was no love. I spent a whole year hoping that she would come back. Although, I know that if she would have come back, I could not forgive her. So basically, I`m going circle with my mind :D... .Meaning, whatever the outcome would be, the end result is the same= We are not going to be a couple anymore. I should focus on that.

But it is hard ! I`ll try writing that letter, that you proposed.

I agree with the people that has said that a new hobby or a "new me" helps dealing with these things. I started singing after I broke up over an year ago (I`ve played guitar over 25years) so it is nice to get a positive feedback from everyone around you. It makes you feel good after your self esteem has gone down to a drain after this kind of break up.

Meanwhile, I read other stories as well. It really helps to understand that it is all about the condition (BPD), not the people who`s receiving the abuse.

[Cromwell]

I went to see this random gal and I had sex with her. The mistake that I regret the most... .I know that when I did this, I crossed a line even though we were not together.

what could the alternative have led to - still standing on the sidelines today - waiting - whilst she continued to live her life and do what she wanted?

you could still be waiting now in passive-spectator mode if you hadnt gone and done the 'mistake'.

hang in there, you have wishes like a family, but can you imagine if you had started with her too early if the offer was there, only to later find out that she can only love with appears unattainable. It would be wreckage to now clear up. Imagine how you felt when she kissed other guys, and this is on the basis you werent in a committed r/s with her, but then to discover these antics if you were.

wait to see what happens to this guy, remember what you said, she gloated how good she is at manipulating.

thats too unbaked and unreliable to be marriage material, you know it and its clear to anyone not emotionally involved

try to keep a perspective of the things you wanted, and the things you still want; did she ever fulfill truly. You had casual sex r/s but wanted more emotional commitment, tried to - it didnt work. So once a line under it is drawn, having tried and got to know her better and seen the results - theres now nothing to stop you pursuing these dreams with someone that has less likelihood of periodically delivering hurt and disappointment, keeping you in that limbo state and blocking you from real genuine emotional fulfillment you wanted.

[once removed]

I agree with the people that has said that a new hobby or a "new me" helps dealing with these things.
... .
Meanwhile, I read other stories as well. It really helps to understand that it is all about the condition (BPD), not the people who`s receiving the abuse.

new hobbies and learning new skills were one of the best pieces of advice i ever got. getting into old ones is good, gets us back to a sense of normalcy and being able to enjoy things, but new skills and hobbies rebuild and build confidence. its good stuff to sink our teeth into.

it does help knowing others have been through similar things. it kind of normalizes our surreal experiences. makes us feel less alone. i would really encourage you to not only read the threads of others, but join in, post to others too. its good to have a sense of community in recovery.

i would also suggest that these relationships can teach us a lot of things about ourselves. its good to learn the lessons we want to take into future relationships. in some time, id encourage you to do that work with us on the Learning (post Detaching) board.

[Al Kaseltzer]

what could the alternative have led to - still standing on the sidelines today - waiting - whilst she continued to live her life and do what she wanted?

you could still be waiting now in passive-spectator mode if you hadnt gone and done the 'mistake'.

i havent been with anyone since my ex, but i too got that feeling of being worried or regretful if i did something while we werent even together as if it could screw up something potentially, while she was doing whatever she wanted to do.  even now, i feel hesitant meanwhile she is literally in another relationship.  i dont know what that speaks to, if it is related to the proverbial walking on eggshells way of thinking, extended out even when the relationship is well over at the moment.  we dont have to be accountable for anything after it ended, even more so when we werent the ones who wanted the relationship to end.

[once removed]

we dont have to be accountable for anything after it ended

we do have to be accountable to ourselves, and others. if we arent emotionally available to date, havent grieved, i think its important to honor that.

[Al Kaseltzer]

we do have to be accountable to ourselves, and others. if we arent emotionally available to date, havent grieved, i think its important to honor that.

Absolutely, I meant any sort of accountability to the ex. Like I said, at various times and even now felt like I took what she might think or how she might react and how it would effect "us" into account and I just don't know why. I sort of felt like that's where toughluck was going with his statement, but I could be wrong.

[Toughluck]

what could the alternative have led to - still standing on the sidelines today - waiting - whilst she continued to live her life and do what she wanted?

you could still be waiting now in passive-spectator mode if you hadnt gone and done the 'mistake'.

hang in there, you have wishes like a family, but can you imagine if you had started with her too early if the offer was there, only to later find out that she can only love with appears unattainable. It would be wreckage to now clear up. Imagine how you felt when she kissed other guys, and this is on the basis you werent in a committed r/s with her, but then to discover these antics if you were.

wait to see what happens to this guy, remember what you said, she gloated how good she is at manipulating.

thats too unbaked and unreliable to be marriage material, you know it and its clear to anyone not emotionally involved

try to keep a perspective of the things you wanted, and the things you still want; did she ever fulfill truly. You had casual sex r/s but wanted more emotional commitment, tried to - it didnt work. So once a line under it is drawn, having tried and got to know her better and seen the results - theres now nothing to stop you pursuing these dreams with someone that has less likelihood of periodically delivering hurt and disappointment, keeping you in that limbo state and blocking you from real genuine emotional fulfillment you wanted.

You are right! Nothing would have changed during time. And I think that she never changes until she figures out that her insecurity is the root cause to all problems. She is in denial and she accuses everyone else from her actions. I would have lost my sanity in the long run. I guess I am a bitter still because I hope that her new relationship crashs and burns. It all depends on how flexible is the new guys back  

[Toughluck]

Absolutely, I meant any sort of accountability to the ex. Like I said, at various times and even now felt like I took what she might think or how she might react and how it would effect "us" into account and I just don't know why. I sort of felt like that's where toughluck was going with his statement, but I could be wrong.

I can relate what you said Al. The reason why I feel/felt this way is because I wanted to fix the relationship. I did not want to make any permanent actions that would have destroyed the r/s. After I am 100% over her, I do not care what she thinks. Some (desperate) actions I still make, is to try to make her jealous... .Try to warm her heart towards me. Obviously I know that it does not work and it slows the process of detaching.

[Toughluck]

what could the alternative have led to - still standing on the sidelines today - waiting - whilst she continued to live her life and do what she wanted?

you could still be waiting now in passive-spectator mode if you hadnt gone and done the 'mistake'.

hang in there, you have wishes like a family, but can you imagine if you had started with her too early if the offer was there, only to later find out that she can only love with appears unattainable. It would be wreckage to now clear up. Imagine how you felt when she kissed other guys, and this is on the basis you werent in a committed r/s with her, but then to discover these antics if you were.

wait to see what happens to this guy, remember what you said, she gloated how good she is at manipulating.

thats too unbaked and unreliable to be marriage material, you know it and its clear to anyone not emotionally involved

try to keep a perspective of the things you wanted, and the things you still want; did she ever fulfill truly. You had casual sex r/s but wanted more emotional commitment, tried to - it didnt work. So once a line under it is drawn, having tried and got to know her better and seen the results - theres now nothing to stop you pursuing these dreams with someone that has less likelihood of periodically delivering hurt and disappointment, keeping you in that limbo state and blocking you from real genuine emotional fulfillment you wanted.

I have read this 10 times. Thank you! Am I a bad person because I want their r/s to end or have the same traits that we had? It is not fair that someone else gets different partner (a better one). I just tell to myself constantly, that these persons do not change! I truly hope that I'm right, easier to let go... .

[once removed]

the problem on the flip side is, if her relationship succeeds, does that mean you failed, or that the relationship ending is all your fault?

we all change some, from relationship to relationship... .ideally, we do a little better each time, though not always.

what is firmly in your power is to grieve and move on from this relationship, to happier, healthier relationships. it takes work, but its achievable.

[Beneck]

The relationship has ended very recently and you are hurt. It is perfectly normal to harbor resentments and to wish that her new relationship doesn't last, and it also makes sense that you'd want her to be hurt, on some level. However, it is important to make a distinction between the emotional and the rational mind, and integrate them both peacefully. When you progress further in healing, you'll no longer have such negative feelings, but it takes time.

What do you think?

[Toughluck]

the problem on the flip side is, if her relationship succeeds, does that mean you failed, or that the relationship ending is all your fault?

we all change some, from relationship to relationship... .ideally, we do a little better each time, though not always.

what is firmly in your power is to grieve and move on from this relationship, to happier, healthier relationships. it takes work, but its achievable.

Thank you for keeping it real!
I agree you 100% with you, even though I may not be ready to receive/grasp this. I know that I'm not the one to blame for pur relationship to end. I know that I love(d) her and she pushed me away, and abused me, mainly mentally. I know that in a healthy relationship, you dont treat People like this way. But she has BPD, so that explains at least most of her doings.
I have strong hunch that she won't change therefore much depends on how the new guy reacts the traits. I myself push away if im being pushed... He may come closer... .I wish I had mechanics like that. Altough, it is not healthy for anyone

Maybe I feel like this because I cant let go. I must, but yet can't. I'm starting my therapy again and stop when I'm over her, not before.

[once removed]

Maybe I feel like this because I cant let go.

i felt the same way... .it almost felt like a contest. it stands to reason that if we havent let go, we dont want to see the other person succeed... .at the very least we dont want to know about it!

once weve grieved and healed its a lot easier to say "we had our time, and our future success or failure has no bearing on each other", and maybe even wish them well. none of that happens over night.

I'm starting my therapy again and stop when I'm over her, not before.

the learning doesnt have to stop when youve finished grieving. if anything, its the best time to begin learning the lessons we want to take into future relationships.

[Toughluck]

i felt the same way... .it almost felt like a contest. it stands to reason that if we havent let go, we dont want to see the other person succeed... .at the very least we dont want to know about it!

once weve grieved and healed its a lot easier to say "we had our time, and our future success or failure has no bearing on each other", and maybe even wish them well. none of that happens over night.

the learning doesnt have to stop when youve finished grieving. if anything, its the best time to begin learning the lessons we want to take into future relationships.

It truly feels like a competition. Though I know I have Lost it because they're living together. Oh well, time will tell. And I think when something happens to the direction I now want, I do not care anymore.

When did your break up took place? How long ago?... .And which point you noticed that you don't care that much anymore?

These may seem stupid questions but I'm curious... .

[Cromwell]

It truly feels like a competition. Though I know I have Lost it because they're living together. Oh well, time will tell. And I think when something happens to the direction I now want, I do not care anymore.

Hey Toughluck,

Its important to try and reach this ground now that you have this distance. The reason I suggest it is because there are instances when you get the out of apparent nowhere message. This happened to me but the circurmstances were a bit different, we werent together but had been casual sex - then after about 4 months of occassionaly seeing each other she just vanished. 6 months later I got a text from a new number and from there is how the r/s had started, she had been in a r/s and been discarded but in the process had cut everyone she had once known out of her life. But from my perspective - (i didnt fully care or know the fine details) - I took the opportunity and it felt as if I had won in the sense where, you were attracted to someone but felt ok that they were seemingly out of your league. So when I first saw her again I was in for a surprise, she had put on a lot of weight and looked, walked and talked with a depressed demeanour that id not recognised. But after sometime seeing her, the old connection sparked back, I felt (or maybe it suited me to believe) her version of how badly she had been treated, she wasnt as attractive anymore as other girls but the emotional connection grew ultra fast to "compensate", and 3 months on, each day I felt as if the r/s emotionally and sexually was everything id wanted - in other words, i fell too quickly "In love" whereas my life before was happily single and casual sex, I finally felt with the connection it was "the one" had arrived by favourable planetary alignment. In other words, I got suckered in by well rehearsed manipulation, because of her desperate emotionally state at the time, she reached out to find solace from the abandonment... .NOT... .reaching out to love Cromwell who she had just cut out like a scythe to a field of corn along with all others. I dont know why i was chosen, but during the "friendship" phase she occassionaly put out some "suicide ideation" stuff and I comforted her, along with rescuing her a few times when she got into dangerous situations like drunk and abandoned. So I reckon she saw me as a safe-bet.

But it is all "objectification", and I just wanted to share with you to get insight that the feelings I had and what I believed were reciprocated, it wasnt. It might be hard for me to go to sleep at night and think that I wouldnt have feelings for someone beyond them being "useful" to me in a state of fulfilling my needs, however emotionally desperate rooted in vulnerability. but from what ive learned here, it does exist and it is what I believe happened now, in hindsight.

When you say about the "route 66" stuff, its part of taking on our interests and presenting them as theirs in origin, ie, its simple plagiarism to try to show a real-self in compensation for not having developed a real-self. Where the trouble starts is when a conflict arises between maintenance of the fake self and having to adapt to the demands of the perceived "what am I supposed to be for this new guy" - self.

It can work, it depends on how narcissistic the guy is, the more, the easier. He will decide for her who she is supposed to be.

Toughluck, thats just my own perspective and we have all been with different partners. I just feel a heads-up is helpful because if you have still similar strong feelings when/if that text or call comes - out of nowhere - (things happen for a reason), to maybe question the real reason as to why all of a sudden you are "in demand" and if it really is for the right reasons.

[Toughluck]

Hey Toughluck,

Its important to try and reach this ground now that you have this distance. The reason I suggest it is because there are instances when you get the out of apparent nowhere message. This happened to me but the circurmstances were a bit different, we werent together but had been casual sex - then after about 4 months of occassionaly seeing each other she just vanished. 6 months later I got a text from a new number and from there is how the r/s had started, she had been in a r/s and been discarded but in the process had cut everyone she had once known out of her life. But from my perspective - (i didnt fully care or know the fine details) - I took the opportunity and it felt as if I had won in the sense where, you were attracted to someone but felt ok that they were seemingly out of your league. So when I first saw her again I was in for a surprise, she had put on a lot of weight and looked, walked and talked with a depressed demeanour that id not recognised. But after sometime seeing her, the old connection sparked back, I felt (or maybe it suited me to believe) her version of how badly she had been treated, she wasnt as attractive anymore as other girls but the emotional connection grew ultra fast to "compensate", and 3 months on, each day I felt as if the r/s emotionally and sexually was everything id wanted - in other words, i fell too quickly "In love" whereas my life before was happily single and casual sex, I finally felt with the connection it was "the one" had arrived by favourable planetary alignment. In other words, I got suckered in by well rehearsed manipulation, because of her desperate emotionally state at the time, she reached out to find solace from the abandonment... .NOT... .reaching out to love Cromwell who she had just cut out like a scythe to a field of corn along with all others. I dont know why i was chosen, but during the "friendship" phase she occassionaly put out some "suicide ideation" stuff and I comforted her, along with rescuing her a few times when she got into dangerous situations like drunk and abandoned. So I reckon she saw me as a safe-bet.

But it is all "objectification", and I just wanted to share with you to get insight that the feelings I had and what I believed were reciprocated, it wasnt. It might be hard for me to go to sleep at night and think that I wouldnt have feelings for someone beyond them being "useful" to me in a state of fulfilling my needs, however emotionally desperate rooted in vulnerability. but from what ive learned here, it does exist and it is what I believe happened now, in hindsight.

When you say about the "route 66" stuff, its part of taking on our interests and presenting them as theirs in origin, ie, its simple plagiarism to try to show a real-self in compensation for not having developed a real-self. Where the trouble starts is when a conflict arises between maintenance of the fake self and having to adapt to the demands of the perceived "what am I supposed to be for this new guy" - self.

It can work, it depends on how narcissistic the guy is, the more, the easier. He will decide for her who she is supposed to be.

Toughluck, thats just my own perspective and we have all been with different partners. I just feel a heads-up is helpful because if you have still similar strong feelings when/if that text or call comes - out of nowhere - (things happen for a reason), to maybe question the real reason as to why all of a sudden you are "in demand" and if it really is for the right reasons.

I'm sorry to hear. I too have to take insomnia pills, after the break up. Luckily I can work and have quite good job tbh. That is my salvation...

Where do you stand now? I mean, what is that you want and when have you heard of your BPD ex last time? Or are you just trying to leave your history behind (and move forward) and learn from it?

I'm not a safe bet to my ex. I was always realistic with her and I confronted her if she abused me. If her current r/s backfires, I don't think she'll contact me. Just 2 weeks ago her last remaining common friend that we had removed me from FB, after I posted a picture of me with a suit on and going to a party. I think that my ex saw that picture and she asked to cut the connection between us (they're close friends).

And you are spot on with the speculation that she does not have real self image. I noticed that from the beginning. She tries to be like a cameleont... .Even how she speaks differs on related to who she is talking to and she gets common hobbies straight away with persons that she is involved to.

My ex's new boyfriend is a opposite of narcissistic person. He is kind, shy and not successful person in life. I would describe that they are a miss match couple because they are in a different league on terms of education, social environment etc. I think he is a safe choice for her and she hopes that is why she never leaves from her side. I think it all comes down to, how much nasty things he can swallow. I could not, even though I was madly in love. I just could not understand how someone that you love, would hurt you like that. She even admitted that she wanted conficts time to time. There was 1 conflict per week... .Maybe those happened because I could not stand those silly fights and she somehow got fueled in those occasions. If I'd be strong enough not mind those, we would be still together... .Would it been fair towards me, No it would not.

[Toughluck]

The relationship has ended very recently and you are hurt. It is perfectly normal to harbor resentments and to wish that her new relationship doesn't last, and it also makes sense that you'd want her to be hurt, on some level. However, it is important to make a distinction between the emotional and the rational mind, and integrate them both peacefully. When you progress further in healing, you'll no longer have such negative feelings, but it takes time.

What do you think?

Forgot to answer this... Yes I agree totally. I think that in time, I don't care their r/s goes. But I also think that if they would break up and she gets a new guy, I would not care anymore. This particular r/s hurts me because I know him and she knew that I would broke down if they start something... .

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Thouhluck,
I'm glad you've reached out to tell your story. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Your story sounds so familiar to most members including myself.
I  don't believe you could have saved your r/s at all.
BPD is a very complicated illness and almost all of them never change, they're also not capable to talk about the illness or explain what they do and why.

It is most likely that her new r/s will end liķe yours.

I  would like to ask you to look up a few things to understand what happened to you.
First look up for 'Traumatic bonding' and then 'inner child'.

As others pointed out time will help you to get over her.
You should appreciate that the two of you don't have a child together. In most BPD cases children will develop pd as well.

I  wish you the best for 2019 and that you might find a great and healthy new partner.

[once removed]

When did your break up took place? How long ago?... .And which point you noticed that you don't care that much anymore?

in about a month, it will be eight years since we broke up.

we were together just short of three years, and i gave myself an arbitrary timeline of one year to get through it.

it took me about three-four months to decide for myself that the relationship was over and not coming back, and thats when i moved into really grieving and mourning, as opposed to just being an anxious mess. it got worse in some ways, before it got better, but thats when the healing started.

after 7-8 months, i started to move through the pain, focus more on myself, and rebuilding my life.

after about a year, i was mostly through it, and i started to date again. i made unmistakably, objectively bad choices, was hurt all over again, and started to realize maybe it wasnt just my ex, but me.

i came to bpdfamily, and i reexamined my relationship through a new lens, and i learned the skills here, for life, relationships, and for coping. today im kicking butt 

as for it feeling like a contest... .do you. be true to you. let her be her. when we tie the foundation of our recovery to an ex, and who succeeds or fails, nobody wins or loses, but we set ourselves up for failures in our own life.