My BPD ex-wife is engaged and wondering what I can expect of her behavior.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD ex-wife recently became engaged and over the past year I've notice changes in her behavior and lifestyle and she's started pushing boundaries with our parenting plan (again). We share 50/50 custody of two girls.  In less than a year her new fiance moved into her house, they bought a boat, they both have new cars, lots of travel (he's a pilot), and they recently bought a much bigger house with a pool and they just recently became engaged, and she's gotten a certificate in life coaching with a website and specializes in divorce. It's ironic since she was high conflict throughout the divorce and her hostility continued for years, but she has since settled down. Her accelerated pattern of life changes and spending is similar to what I experienced and it's moving even more quickly. In the past 8-9 months she's also started exhibiting a sense of entitlement and wants to change days that we have the girls based upon her personal life. Has anyone experienced something like this, that appears as if history may be repeating itself? In my experience she follows patterns and I'm trying to anticipate what's next.

[Leonard]

My BPD ex-wife recently became engaged and over the past year I've notice changes in her behavior and lifestyle and she's started pushing boundaries with our parenting plan (again). We share 50/50 custody of two girls.  In less than a year her new fiance moved into her house, they bought a boat, they both have new cars, lots of travel (he's a pilot), and they recently bought a much bigger house with a pool and they just recently became engaged, and she's gotten a certificate in life coaching with a website and specializes in divorce. It's ironic since she was high conflict throughout the divorce and her hostility continued for years, but she has since settled down. Her accelerated pattern of life changes and spending is similar to what I experienced and it's moving even more quickly. In the past 8-9 months she's also started exhibiting a sense of entitlement and wants to change days that we have the girls based upon her personal life. Has anyone experienced something like this, that appears as if history may be repeating itself? In my experience she follows patterns and I'm trying to anticipate what's next.

[Turkish]

If you have a custody order, follow it to the T. Give away nothing, because it sounds like she isn't and given her new unicorn life, won't reciprocate. My ex and I get along, but I've been lured (my fault) into giving away that which I shouldn't and it's costing me money. 

[ForeverDad]

Most members here have experienced their ex pushing Boundaries.  If yours seem weak to her, she'll push hard.  You're not mean if you decline to make the changes she wants demands or wheedles.

Would changing days make a difference to you?  If you lose any time or pattern of stability, then decline to deviate from the schedule.  Definitely don't give up any time, it would be ten times as hard to get that time back.  And make sure any changes are in writing.

Hmm... .Who is in charge of the school contacts?  If it is her then you may want to counter offer that you could trade days if you assumed the responsibility of school, etc.  Though the time on the schedule would remain 50/50, you becoming Primary Parent, if not already Primary, might be worth the change.  Something major like that would need to be filed with the court, of course.  Just thinking outside the box.  Is there any other significant change that would help your parenting?

You'd be surprised how many report their disordered ex is a nurse, psychologist or... .life coach.  Their disordered streak shows primarily with those closest to them.  Others may notice something odd but since they're on the periphery of her life, odds are they won't see the worst behaviors.

[ForeverDad]

Some have remarked that when the ex started a new relationship and had someone to idolize that it was a distraction from the usual badmouthing parental conflict.  Some even get distracted from parenting, but generally that lasts only as long as the new relationship lasts, then it's back to the same old patterns.

There are a few books we often recommend:  Boundaries by Henry Cloud.  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

What are the approximate ages of the children?  What others contribute here could be framed with comments most helpful for their age group.

[kells76]

Hi Leonard, glad you found the group here. Smart idea getting some support and feedback as you observe some things about your kids' mom that raise questions.

Fill us in when you can on your kids' ages (like ForeverDad suggested), and, when you're up for it, any more of your backstory that you care to share. I think you'll find a lot of similarities with members here.

My husband and his girls' mom divorced, then 3 months later she was engaged to husband's (DH's) now-former best friend. They got married 3 months after that, and then 8 months later their baby arrived. So I can relate to seeing someone move really quickly into a new relationship.

Turkish is right that she's probably in a "unicorn" relationship, where he is an amazing hero who rescued her from being a poor single mom with a horrible ex. He probably wears white armor and owns a sparkly horse  

The way the pattern worked (that I observed as stepmom) was that right off the bat Mom and Stepdad united in their denigration of DH's parenting. DH tried to stay reasonable and "listen to what the kids wanted", but surprise surprise somehow what they wanted was more time with Mom. DH was portrayed to his face and to the kids as someone who "didn't listen to their voices" (a.k.a. Mom's voice). Long story short, through lots of conflict, lots of bending over backward to "listen to the kids" and trade and be flexible, almost going to court, and lots of counseling, it turns out that the kids want to spend some more time with us. Mom and Stepdad were the ones who didn't want them to like us, because that would upset the narrative of Mom and Stepdad not doing anything wrong and being the girls' real family. DH thought that "being reasonable" and flexible and trading and "doing what the kids wanted" would be reciprocated. It wasn't, and it was turned against him.

I'd recommend what Turkish suggested -- stick to the order exactly unless you can get in writing and legally binding a trade that hugely benefits you (i.e. you become primary parent). It'd probably be best if you talked with a lawyer first, though. You might already know this, but sometimes you can consult with L's, without retaining them, for 30 min to 1 hour for a couple hundred bucks (more or less). Could be worth it at this point, just so you don't commit to going down the "trade" path and have it bite you later on.

Hmmm... .anything else... .oh yeah, the entitlement hasn't changed. I've been around the girls' mom for almost 8 years now, and she's still as into herself as ever. That part of the pattern might be consistent. And even though she's been married to Stepdad for about 7 years, she and DH were married for 11, so I wonder if her pattern will be that things break down eventually. She and Stepdad do seem to be in the "cool new friend of the month club", leaving broken relationships behind them and finding hip new people to bring into their circle. So even though her pattern isn't to jump from romantic relationship to romantic relationship, there's still a pattern of leaving broken relationships behind and moving on to fun new friends.

Enough rambling from me for now. Keep us posted on how you're doing, where you're at, and any other support we can give -- and again, welcome.

kells76

[Nope]

I think what you can expect changes to a certain degree as your ex's relationship moves into different phases. But for our long term purposes, I'd say the most important aspect is that the ex now has one thing that make things more difficult for co-parents in your situation. She has stability. Both more stability financially and in the form of a kind of negative advocate who basically buys her victim narrative bas truth and acts in her interests as if it is the truth. Stability isn't something most of the BPDs talked about here can ever get from the inside. It's an added ingredient brought in by the new relationship. It makes sense that she would become more demanding because now she has someone to back up her sense that she is entitled to be. She also has someone to help her stay focused and keep her on target if court becomes necessary.

How the relationship will play out long term is usually dependent on her pattern. A really solid example is my DH's uBPDex. She left DH when oldest was 3, got into a new long term relationship when oldest was about 4, got pregnant when oldest was about 5, and denied DH any contact with his kids from when oldest was 5 to about 6.5. Then? Left the youngests father when the youngest was 3, got into a new long term relationship when the youngest was 4.5, got pregnant when the youngest was about 6, and denied that father any contact with his child for about a year and a half. 

So, we're just waiting another year for her current youngest to turn 3 to see what happens. The big difference this time is that they took the ex's uterus after this last baby so she can't get pregnant again. But I feel like somehow the zero contact with the father for a year and a half when the youngest is around five or six is a very important feature and related to some unresolved fear or trauma that the uBPDex has. So even if nothing plays out by next Christmas, it is nearly guaranteed by sometime when her youngest is in kindergarten.