Problems with sexual intimacy with BPD husband

[Joy70]

Hi,

Does anyone have any advise for how to keep sexual intimacy alive with a BPD partner? The endless cycle of blame and rage makes me not want to be sexually intimate with my husband, sometimes it feels like sleeping with the enemy. But of course, this contributes to the feelings of rejection, and we're off again on the rage/blame cycle. I do love my husband and I wish I did want to be intimate with him, but too many years of this has hurt me too much. Leaving is not an option. Grateful if anyone wants to share how they manage this part, if anyone is in the same boat. Thanks!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

about how long have you felt distant in terms of intimacy?

[Erisa]

Hi,
I am in the same boat and could have written your post.  We've been married forever.  Seems like intimacy (the little there was) moved out just about when the last child did.  There's sex, but no intimacy.  I always feel so alone.

I wish I had a suggestion to offer. Hopefully someone will!

[Nole99]

I’m in that boat too, and the reason my BPD husband is giving to leaving. Well, there are other reasons too.

I didn’t think leaving was an option either, but he is spiraling.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Joy70,

I hear what you're saying and I appreciate that it's a bit of a Catch-22 situation - you don't feel like sharing sexual intimacy when the trust and bond between you is damaged, but you are concerned that the lack of sexual intimacy will lead to further damage of the bond and trust between you. This is something a lot of posters will understand - it's a problem that comes up quite often on these boards.

My personal advice is twofold:

Firstly, work on restoring the relationship in other ways. Try sharing other activities that bring closeness and bonding. Spend some time enjoying shared interests, taking trips out together, watching movies together, and sharing your latest discoveries (interesting news articles, excerpts from a book you're currently reading, songs and bands you've recently started listening to etc). When you start to feel a bit closer in other ways, you may find that the barriers come down and the attraction resurfaces.

Secondly, keep other forms of physical intimacy alive between you in the meantime: cuddles, hand-holding, foot rubs etc. Offer frequent, tiny, gentle touches, such as brushing back each other's hair, kisses on the cheek, that kind of thing. If you don't feel that the relationship is in a place where you can authentically offer the deep trust and openness of sexual intimacy, try not to let that close your bodies off to one another completely. If you can keep in contact physically even when you don't feel ready for contact sexually, it helps show affection, lessen feelings of rejection, and prevent defensive walls from forming between you that may be hard to break down later.

[Joy70]

Thank you all for your replies and support.

Nole99/Erisa: thank you for sharing. It does help to feel you are not alone in all of this, and I am eternally grateful for finding this forum a while back. I appreciate there are no easy answers here. I've even tried to convince myself that the problem is mine - menopause, stress from work etc. All so that I can say to him "no of course it's not you, I still fancy the pants off you" so that he doesn't go off on one and blames me to a point where I am starting to feel worthless - then it takes me ages to build myself back up, only for the next episode to hit.

Once removed: I have felt this way pretty much for 14 years. That's when our first child was born, and when the clear BPD behavoiur started, although now I know there were signs before, I just didn't know what it was all about.

Bnonymous: thank you for those insights. I really appreciate that, and I will definitely try what you suggest. Today, a calm and in-control day for my husband, I also tried the SET and JADE advise I found somewhere else on this site yesterday, in relation to a rage episode we had yesterday. It went down very well. He said he felt heard, and that he's aware he was speaking to me in an inexcusable manner. I am quietly hopeful but we've kind of been there before, so... .but the difference now is that I have never before tried SET and JADE, so this is exciting.

Thanks again all 

[Leah66]

Hi.
Thanks for your post. My husband can be romantic and hold hands. When we watch TV he likes to cuddle which is nice. However, when it comes to sex he is happy if I please him but does not no make an effort to please me and on the few times he does it is rushed and clumsy. I don't like to complain but if I mention it to him he makes brief attempt but just leaves me frustrated. We have only been married a year.

[5min]

This is not just an issue for women but guys are affected in the manner as well. My uBPDw has ranted and torn me down for so long that I have no drive for sex or intimacy. It is a huge issue between us and she daily goes on about no intimacy or sex.

Bnonymous has some really good advice. I've implemented some of that and it has work for me in regaining some sense of desire and for my wife though she already wants the intimacy.

[Radcliff]

Joy70, that's fantastic that you've had success with the JADE and SET tools!  Keep at it, and keep us posted!  Let us know how things go with trying out Bnonymous' advice.

RC

[Joy70]

Radcliff, it went pretty well there for a while, but today we're off again... .Same topic, same blame, same ranting and same feeling of being worn down. I know I shouldn't be negative and I know this will go away again for two or so weeks, but I have days when it's harder than others - I am sure we all have. I'll keep going.

5min, good to hear that you have found some of the tips useful and that you have been able to find some desire for your wife. I don't know how often you guys are on the merry go round but for us it's like I said above, pretty much regularly two weeks between the days he blows up on me, so I feel that I am just about to muster up the motivation to try it after one episode has finished and I have had a little time to build myself up again, when suddenly I can tell it's heading downwards towards the inevitable explosion. So I am never quite there were I can relax and enjoy him physically. I guess I am always on tenterhooks.

Enough of the complaining from me - onwards and upwards  . Glad I found this forum, it really does make me feel better.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  I'm sorry to hear that you're on a down cycle again.  You've talked about JADE and SET, so it sounds like you're able to engage him in a constructive way.  It can be painful, though.  Have you found or tried any techniques to help limit the toll that his behavior takes on you?

RC

[desperate.wife]

Hi Joy70,

I have the same problem Recently I started to motivate myself in advance. To put myself in to mood. Read a sexy story, watch erotic movie, dress sexy, something to stimulate my desire. It is not much of intimacy, like two persons connecting, but it helps just do it. As you said, it is a cycle, if he does not get some he feels very depressed and I don't want to have sex with that person. So I thought I'll try just sex to see if it gets to some place better. We will see. Hope you'll find your way

D.W

[Ozzie101]

Yep. All very familiar to me too.

My uBPDh brought it up recently and said it made him feel like something was going on. Not sure what he had in mind, but likely not what he thought -- that his moods and rages had nearly killed my drive. I've made more effort lately, making myself initiate, touching him more. It does seem to help.