Custody battle January 7th-Here we go again

[jenbren2006]

My husband has a custody battle with his ex BPD wife on January 7th.  We have documentation that the youngest has missed about 2/3rd of the school year so far and the other two kids have missed about half-all on her time.  The children were under Colorado state hours last year-all on her time-but the school did nothing to intervene and passed the children through school even though one was failing.  
We also found out that the ex is now targeting her current husband as he called the police and locked himself in the bathroom because he was afraid of her.  He told police that he is trying to parent the children but she is freaking out on him everytime he enforces a rule!  It has been 4 years of non-stop drama and it has forced us to move out of state to escape her reach.  For awhile the children were staying at his parents house, however, they had to remove them because the oldest (15 ) was threatening physical violence towards them.  
Even with all this evidence we feel hopeless that nothing will ever change.  We are predicting that the ex will get full custody of the children because we moved out of state and have no contact with them due to all the cop calls and CPS calls caused by the ex and his children helping her!    We feel as though she is completely targeting her new husband now that all of us have stepped back.  We don't wish the new husband harm, however, we feel that this is the only way that my husband can get his children as the courts don't do anything ever to help us!  Courts suck!

[Panda39]

Hi Jen,

The absenteeism documentation is really good, you are demonstrating that mom is not doing what is best for the kids (could be neglect).

My SO's uBPDxw pulled their older daughter out of school her first year of High School.  This was against my SO's wishes and the advice of D's(then 15) Teacher and school Principal.   Mom was going to Home school D15 with an on-line program.

Dad/my SO was monitoring D15 and you guessed it no work was getting done, why... .the laptop the school sent didn't work... .the school needed to send a new cord... .the new cord didn't help... .excuses... .excuses

Dad offered to have D15 come to his house and use his computer... .nope... .uBPDmom's sister invited D15 to her house to do her school work... .nope... .Dad became concerned and contacted the on-line school... .no real help there.  This went on for a year, my SO was so desperate he was hoping his daughter would be arrested for truancy! Nope.  D15 had a 0.0 GPA her first year of High School because she stayed home and did nothing.  You better believe this affected her College options a few years later.

While this was going on D15 younger sister D11 would have a stomachache on Monday so that naturally (the Panda says with sarcasm) means you stay home the whole week.  So although she didn't miss the entire year like her sister she too had high absenteesim.

So I relate to the attendance issues.  My SO was able to document the issues with school among other things during his separation/divorce.  When the divorce was final he received more custody than he asked for, he received Education Decision-making, Medical Decision-making, and Dental Decision-making (all areas where he was able to show his ex's neglect).

I'll be honest and say I don't know if the school issues will be enough to get full custody, but maybe you get custody during the school year for example.  Most of us have to chip away at the ex and process tends to be gradual, but who knows.  I would say that you living out of state does complicate things and does make it harder for the court to find a compromise.

It is possible that because you are no longer engaging in the drama she is creating it with her current husband, the upcoming court date could also be triggering for her, or it could be something you aren't aware of... .it's likely what ever she is feeling in the moment.

Is your husband in touch with his kids at all?  Does he talk to them on the phone?

Panda39

[david]

I filed for more custody because my ex was not helping either of our boys with their schoolwork. The courts gave her majority of time. I made copies of every homework. I signed and dated everyone they did when with me. I saw them one day a week and EOW yet they did over 95% of all their schoolwork when with me. It was late but it was done. I , pretended, I didn't care if they got credit or not. I was hoping they would start doing it anyway so they would get credit.
Ex dragged things through the courts for close to three years. She never changed her behavior with their school work even though that is what my petition stated for my reason ? Go figure. I thought with three years she would have changed. I was wrong.
Finally went to court and was ordered to get a custody eval. That was our third. After all those years I was able to get more time during the school year. I don't have a high opinion of courts either. I stopped counting when I surpassed $70,000. That could have been used directly for our kids.
I had a pile of papers that stood 6 or 7 inches tall of every homework for those three years. I made a top sheet with it all broken down. Total number of hw, number done at dads, number done at moms, percent done at dads completely correct (100%), percent done at moms completely correct (under 20%). The best one, even my attorney had difficulty figuring this one out, is a hw from our youngest in  third grade. It was completely incorrect. Third grade math. Our son made another copy with all the correct answers when his mom wasn't looking. She made him change the answers originally because she insisted he was wrong. You could see the correct erased answers. Ex is a nurse and so she went to college and still couldn't do third grade math ?
My attorney put the pile on the judges bench. Had to have three of everything. The judge looked at the pile, noticed the top sheet, and asked ex if the top sheet was correct. She had a choice, either agree and go forward or disagree and go over every piece of paper. She knew better then that. The top sheet was introduced as evidence. Evidence is a process and takes time to introduce. It has to be labeled, etc. However, evidence holds more weight than verbal testimony and decisions must be based on the evidence presented. It was a slam dunk after that point. 
Today, our oldest lives with me full time and our S15 is 50/50.

[ForeverDad]

The absenteeism documentation is really good, you are demonstrating that mom is not doing what is best for the kids (could be neglect)... .

My SO's uBPDxw pulled their older daughter out of school her first year of High School.  This was against my SO's wishes and the advice of D's(then 15) Teacher and school Principal.   Mom was going to Home school D15 with an on-line program.  D15 had a 0.0 GPA her first year of High School.  Younger sister D11 ... .too had high absenteesim.

So I relate to the attendance issues.  My SO was able to document the issues with school among other things during his separation/divorce.  When the divorce was final he received more custody than he asked for, he received Education Decision-making, Medical Decision-making, and Dental Decision-making (all areas where he was able to show his ex's neglect).

I'll be honest and say I don't know if the school issues will be enough to get full custody, but maybe you get custody during the school year for example.  Most of us have to chip away at the ex and process tends to be gradual... .

My experience was similar.  Though I was gradually getting more parenting, the last time in court was when we really got solutions.  For the first several years the lawyers and court bent themselves into pretzels trying to not put anything factual "on the record".  The last time all the laundry got washed and hung out to dry for two entire days in court.  There were 9 or 10 recordings of ex playing around with parenting time and exchanges. 

My last time in court I was trying to get majority time.  I had tried once before but the GAL recommended (and we parents had to agree) that yes I could get custody but no I couldn't get majority time or else mother couldn't get her child support.  So there I was, back in court playing recordings of the ex's phone demands and games regarding exchanges.  The decision later even commented, "In the tapes Mother is often yelling so loudly that it is difficult to endure listening to her."  The court decision noted, six times, that I was being disparaged, one quote is "continued disparagement of Father to the child"  Did I get majority time for that?  No.  "However, after considerable thought, this magistrate is willing to give Mother one more try... .Mother shall have {continued equal} summer parenting time."

However, that was not all.  Teachers (reluctantly) testified that she had caused a scene at a Fifth Grade overnight field trip while removing him that first evening because her parenting time had started.  I also had a school report that listed me with a few tardies, while she had about 20 tardies.  I have since come to realize that impacting school is a big No-No for parents, it has an out-sized weight in family court.  So I did get majority time but only during the school year.

While I'm not trying to minimize all the other misbehaviors of the ex... .how school is impacted gets a lot of attention, in my case seemingly more attention than everything else.

[jenbren2006]

Wanted to give you an update on what happened in court yesterday.  We believe that God very much so enacted a miracle that only he was capable of. It was as if the blinders that the judge always had on were now gone so she could finally see!  She saw right through my husband's ex and reamed her pretty much the entire 5 hours!  So many things that we knew should be said to his ex were said by that judge.  Jared finally feels validated.  If she calls the cops or cps one more time on my husband the judge said that she will call cps and have her children taken out of her home and put them at the grandparents until my husband can come get them!  He can now see his kids one week every month and even the grandparents won some visitation which is unheard of in Colorado.  They get the kids one weekend every month and absolutely under no circumstances are they allowed communication (phone calls, texts) with their mother during that time or during my husbands time!  The judge says that she has never seen a case this bad in her 37 years on the bench!  With that being said she implied to my husband that he needs to file a motion to seek full custody of his children!  They would move here to Washington.  We have a plan in place.  We would rent or purchase a trailer home and the four of them would move into this.  The judge did say that she does not want me around the children since his ex has poisoned her with lies that the children are afraid of me.  I'm okay with this because mentally and emotionally too much has happened and it is best at this point that my daughter and I both remain out of the picture.  I am willing to “share” my husband because at this point this is what needs to happen.  His youngest son told him this week that he prays for his safety everyday that he is at his mothers.  The police were at their home last weekend as she was going crazy and her new husband locked himself in their bathroom.  We are hoping that this is the answer.  Nothing will probably happen until this summer since the courts are so slow moving but again please keep our family and his children in your prayers.  He has an incredibly difficult job ahead of him rehabilitating them.  We know that the only way this will work is if the judge orders her to have supervised visitation.  They need little to no time with her only.   My husband told the judge he will be asking for supervised visitation as all of us know that this is the only true way this will work.  5 years later and we are getting some action! But at least now there is hope... .

[Sandb2015]

I went through hell about 5 years ago, live in GF, I was lonely and she exploited it, after less than a year she became pregnant while on the pill and said she's keeping it no matter what.  I tried to be the good, responsible guy but lied to myself knowing I was being trapped, it showed. I tried to make it work against every bone in my body knowing this unborn child was being used to exploit me and will become a torture tactic until my end day.

I tried and she did many things such as disappearing while pregnant to get me back on track and I feel for it, besides, what could I do?

To make a long story short, she left in a very dramatic way, took my 3 month old only child and was just giving me ultimatums about going back to her country never to be seen again, get her an apartment+2000 a month.  Both were totally unacceptable and wasn't letting me see him while threatening me.  I went to family court after 2 months of the nonsense, filed papers and had her served, she freaked out.  My first custody hearing was 12/15 and about 2:00am that morning, the warrant squad came and arrested me, Two charges of attempted murder, kidnapping, and some other ridiculous stuff.  I spent about 18 hours in general holding and missed the hearing, my attorney said my son's mother laughed at the hearing after the judge said I was arrested.  Pure hell for 16 months after between family court and criminal court, I didn't take a plea, 6 or 7 pleas. I went to trial for 2 days and found not guilty.  Guess which City.

In the end I got to see my son twice a month, child support and fear of some other thing she would do to me.  I would see him with my current (possibly BPD GF) and would be controlled by fear through texts from my sons mother.

She made it so terrible, she still tries and she has married.  Honestly, I can't see my son, think of my son without having to feel what has happened, being in love with my current GF didn't help.

I don't want to see the mother, she makes demands about how I will see him, who will be with me, no GF picking him up etc.  I lost my butt in court, I'll never have the upper hand no matter what, it's a skewed system and my son's mother knows it and I think I have little to fight for and if I did, I couldn't change my son's life, his stepfather is a stand up guy and his mother will control nonstop.

To quote the number one forensic psychologist in custody battles in my city that oversaw my mandatory supervised visitation, " You are in my top ten worst cases in 20 years and it won't get better for you".  I read all his books and he did take my side against the court and mother and he was especially kind to me and counseled me which was way outside his job, he was only supposed to monitor my behavior with my son and report to the court.  After 2 weeks of a 3 month session, he stated what I wrote and reiterated it that it may be healthy for me to detach completely.

I'm traumatized without a fix other that to let go, forgive a monster and try to move on.  I can do that ultimately.  I did't have love lost whatsoever, she was a live in girlfriend that wanted to take or create what she wanted that wasn't available, ever.  I was just left with feeling tricked, swindled by a person and a court system.  I'm good except I'm slowly letting go of something I can't control.

[worriedStepmom]

jenbren, I'm so glad that the judge seemed to see through the ex and that your husband gets to see the children.  I hope he can file for an emergency change of custody and get them back permanently sooner rather than later.

[Sandb2015]

Jenbren,  I'm sorry I hijacked the thread, I'm new here.  I do believe the system as tough as it is, has people that care and can see what is right.

[jenbren2006]

No worries... .you are not highjacking my post.  I'm glad that you reached out and shared your story.  In all honesty after 5 years of fighting for his children and nothing ever happening my husband went down to Colorado last week prepared for the judge to give his ex full custody since we moved out of state and are never returning.  He was to the point where he wasn't able to be around his children (especially his oldest son-15) because ever time he tried to parent them there were cop calls and cps investigations.  People judge him and think how could you just give up your children.  There was nothing else that he could do to improve the situation because the courts refused to step in.  Also what good is he as a father if he is sitting in a jail cell-which you can totally relate too!  You are not being selfish by letting your son go.  Hopefully when he is an adult you can have a healthy relationship with him.  It is okay to feel this way you do not need to feel guilty!  Give yourself a life and a fighting chance at a life because there is nothing you can do if your hands are completely tied.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you, that's the first time I felt off the hook.  I feel so guilty, I don't have other children, he is not his mother, I know. She will never make me feel fearless and she has no intentions of doing so as her story is she met a bad man that used her and she will stick to all the way.

My son will not benifit from the potential and endless conflict that she may impose.

Only my fear has guided me and I wasn't fair to my current GF that may have some personality disorder.  I was keeping my argument texts and controlling text with my son's mother to myself trying to protect our relationship and thought things would die down as she had gotten married.  Unfortunately, my GF saw the texts as she went through my phone behind my back and shook a very insecure, suspicious and paranoid woman into thinking there is a whole other world I have which is the furthest from the truth.

I bless your comments, I haven't spoken of how I feel about disconnecting from my son to anyone except my GF lightly because my family went through the custody battle with me and I know they would be so hurt and I would be so misunderstood.

My GF pushed me to let him go and "cut emotional ties" with his mother.  I didn't have any emotional ties, just her imagination and my love came on very strongly, harshly to let it all go.

It was her or him and I chose her not just because of her.  She doesn't know the system and how it works and she wanted it done immediately.  Myself and my son's mother will be signing papers for her and her husband to officially adopt my son.  There is no other way.

I love my GF, she is my life.  I want to have a life free of drama and outside stresses except her/our own.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[jenbren2006]

Update since Monday-since the hear... .the judge told her that if she steps out of line one more time and misbehaves in any way the judge will have cps remove the children from her home!  She got the kids back Tuesday night and by Wednesday morning all hell was breaking loose.   She is forbidden to contact my husband via phone or texts at all and she called him twice.  Her youngest son refused to go to school and she was making him (which actually was the right thing to do).  She was dropping him off and he refused to get out of the car swearing at her and telling her he hated her and she was the worst mother in the world.  Had to have a school official bring him into the school. Only to pick him up two hours later which is horrifying because he has already missed 53 days of school this year!  She also picked up her oldest son that day too and brought him home with no notification to my husband.  Which she is ordered to notify him when they get pulled out of school.  We know with her illness she is now rebelling and pushing her boundaries to see once again what she can get away with.  The good news this time is that now my husband has more ammo and proof that once again she is freaking out and will put all this in his emergency motion to get full custody of his children. 

[david]

The good thing is it didn't take long for her to show her true colors.I often wondered if my ex did those kind of things because she really wanted me to get our boys more but couldn't bring herself to admit it. I thought several times that she purposely did those things so she had the courts, her attorney, me, somebody besides herself to blame for her predicament, at least in her head.