My wife has BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Don't know where to start. We have been married for 42 years and for 42 years she has done the following: saying awful, hurtful things to me; yelling and screaming; lockng herself in the bedroom for days at a time; spoiling birthdays, vacations, and even my dad's funeral. Her anger and wrath has always been directed at me and my kids even referred to her as "turbo mom".
I have always relented and apologized to her even though I didn't know what I was apologizing for. Now at this stage in my life I'm just tired of the constant fights and just want a little happiness for whatever time I have left. I'm considering a legal separation or a divorce but I am scared she will harm herself. She once threatened to shoot me with a pistol and once actually threw a loaded pistol at me. Luckily the hammer jammed and it didn't fire. I really don't know what to do and thought about talking to someone at church. Any duggestions?

[Veteran]

Don't know where to start. We have been married for 42 years and for 42 years she has done the following: saying awful, hurtful things to me; yelling and screaming; lockng herself in the bedroom for days at a time; spoiling birthdays, vacations, and even my dad's funeral. Her anger and wrath has always been directed at me and my kids even referred to her as "turbo mom".
I have always relented and apologized to her even though I didn't know what I was apologizing for. Now at this stage in my life I'm just tired of the constant fights and just want a little happiness for whatever time I have left. I'm considering a legal separation or a divorce but I am scared she will harm herself. She once threatened to shoot me with a pistol and once actually threw a loaded pistol at me. Luckily the hammer jammed and it didn't fire. I really don't know what to do and thought about talking to someone at church. Any duggestions?

[Panda39]

Hi Veteran,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I know this sounds flippant but it really isn't it is about safety... .Remove any guns from the house before you have this type of discussion with your wife.

Suicide Threats.  My significant other (SO) had this happen during his marriage to his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  He would call 911.  He is not a professional, not equipped to deal with this type of situation, are the threats real or drama? So he called in the professionals.  Get the police there to assess the situation and de-escalate things, get her to the Emergency Room for evaluation, and get doctors involved.  I would suggest doing the same if your wife makes suicide threats.

I would also do a consultation with an attorney and find out about your rights and how divorce could effect you financially.  I assume child custody isn't an issue. I would do this also before having any kind of discussion with your wife, and I would do this without her knowledge.

There is also a book I'd like to suggest... .
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger

Make the most educated decision you can, have a plan in place, and then approach your wife.

Take Care,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry to her your plight.  Most of us have struggled trying to do the right thing despite relentless obstruction and even threats.  Here are a few common sense suggestions.

Yes, get some legal consultations with capable and experienced family law attorneys.  You need more than the typical form filer and hand holder.  Any divorce will be perceived by her as a declaration of war because she won't see her decades of conflict as reason for you to seek relief.  Also, it's rare for Legal Separation to work, it still leaves you two connected in so many ways.

In the last months of my imploding marriage I recorded the incidents.  Good that I did, on the day I first called the police she claimed I was the instigator and one of the officers asked me to hand my sobbing preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  When I finally got a divorce lawyer, a former police officer, he told me SOP is to remove one of the disputing spouses to defuse the immediate situation and I would have been arrested.  Ha!  That didn't happen, only because my son squealed and clung to me tighter.  Yes, my son saved me!  Days later I downloaded the recording and when the police heard it she was arrested for Threat of DV.  If I didn't have recordings I couldn't have defended myself.

Of course, I didn't wave any recording device around in her face, that would have inflamed even more incidents.  I did it quietly for my protection.  If questioned, I could have truthfully replied that I recorded myself to ensure I wasn't successfully falsely accused.  If she happened to get recorded too, well, that was on her... .

If she threatens suicide and you do call emergency services (they're qualified to handle such things) be prepared that by the time they arrive she'll be composed and deny ever saying such things.  Would the witnesses support your side of the story?  Or would you have other documentation such as a recording of her threats?

You have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  While yes you would share information if you're trying to make the relationship work, if it is failing then you would share only necessary information, about the kids, about the bill, and such.  Your spouse has no right to demand you divulge any information you consider private or confidential.  Examples:  What you say with your counselor.  What you say in legal consultations with your attorney(s).  So those late night interrogations?  (Yes, many of us have lived through them!)  She has no right to demand anything.

If the children are all grown then custody shouldn't be an issue.  Then she would focus on (1) Blaming you, perhaps even publicly, and (2) getting all the financial benefit she can, claiming all the assets and gifting you all the debts.  Before you give in on financial demands, consult your lawyer first, your lawyer is likely to put more care on your welfare than you might.  Too often we can be willing to give up everything just to make the conflict go away.  Years later you could look back and regret it.  Your lawyer is there to be your buffer during a nasty divorce.