How to reassure someone with BPD that I am not cheating.

[Granite Chief]

How do you reassure someone that is delusion that I am not cheating? This is an every day thing the cell phone is what triggers her the most.

I think something that causes it to get worse is I omit things from our conversations because I am fearful she will get upset. This did not cause the constant accusations but it certainly has not helped anything. If she finds out I did not tell her something even if is insignificant the world is over and I am the enemy.

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[Levels]

Hi, you're definitely not alone.  I could have written this post.  I think we all wish there was an answer about how to speak truth to BP and have it accepted, but I don't think it works that way.  It's definitely not about the actual facts.  I do know exactly what you are feeling though.  I have nothing to hide from my wife, I've never cheated or been interested in cheating, yet after 5 years the jealousy is not just constant and petty and always unjustified, but has that edge of righteous anger that in a normal situation one would only expect if there was a real history of actual cheating.  Treated like a serial criminal who is before the judge for the tenth time, when you've actually never committed a crime. 

And yes, as a result, I now decline to mention things to my wife - innocent things but things that I know would fall into her category of "suspicious," since her category of suspicious includes pretty much everything that involves any woman under the age of 99 (or over 99 depending on what the pictures of her look like that my wife finds through google).  That started years ago after a colleague recommended a shirt maker to me, and they sent over a couple salespeople to our offices, where we met for 15 minutes and I ordered a couple shirts.  The lead saleswoman then sent a thank you note for the order to my house, which my wife opened.  Her eyes were filled with rage as she verbally abused me and declared that no honest husband would ever hide such a suspicious thing from his wife.  It had honestly never occurred to me to bring up the sales call - at my office and with another salesperson there too - who wants to hear about you shopping for clothes.  I told her to call the woman, ask her whatever she wants, but of course that didn't make a difference.  Confronting her with the reality that there was no affair just switches her over to focusing on the "lie" of nondisclosure and how that is evidence of all the other things I am hiding, which surely includes something improper.

Since then, I can't really interact with any woman without imagining her suspicion somewhere in the back of my mind, it's a toxic drag on my everyday mindset.  But I refuse to enable the paranoia and become some shell of a person who has to call my wife to let her know that I had a female checkout cashier at the grocery store, for fear that the next time we are shopping, the cashier says Hi to me, and my wife loses it over how I know her.  That would just be abandoning myself to her irrationality.  It already bothers me that I am less friendly to random women I interact with in the community, basically for that reason, fear that they might later talk to me in front of my wife.  That upsets me because I am just a naturally friendly person, and it is upsetting to be purposefully less friendly in my community.  But I think it is important not to lose oneself completely into the irrational BP worldview, or to enable the stalking and suspicion. 

So I don't know what these things are that you are omitting from your conversations with her, but if they are just normal things that are not suspicious to a rational person, then should you be "disclosing" them to her at all?  To me, it feels almost like validating the suspicion to have to disclose some innocent fact that is irrelevant except for the paranoid jealousy.  But if you do know that these are things that matter to her, it is probably best to make it clear up front that you are going to omit them.  I drew that line when my wife's jealousy seeped over to basically every woman at my company.  I made it clear that I was not going to provide her with a daily summary disclosure of every woman I interacted with at my company that day.  And that generally (although not always) works for her now.

There is a good discussion of how to set limits in the Kreger book Essential Family Guide to BPD.  I'm not saying I'm good at it - I'm not very good at navigating any of this, which is why I am ringing in the New Year on this website.  2018 ended for us with an(other) obnoxious jealous comment from her at dinner implying that I was not trustworthy.  A better man might have shrugged it off, but I didn't feel up to ending 2018 by letting myself be disrespected, so I went my separate way.  Instead, I joined this website, and have a new years resolution to learn from the people here and offer up the thoughts I've had as well.  Wish I was more help to you, but thanks for your post, it helped my night to hear from someone else experiencing something like what I am, and to give me a space to vent a little and let out some of my feelings.

Here's to a better 2019 for us all!   

[Hart_Payne]

In two words the problem is abandonment issues. BPD people believe that their partners are going to leave them. It's either learned from their years of bad experiences, usually family at first, or taught to them by selfish people, once again usually by family. They're told that people will leave them alone because the people talking are the people performing the abandonment. I have personally witnessed the problem. Not saying all are done that way, but it's one of the strongest ways it happens.

The bad thing is that you really can't convince them of anything in the short term after years of programming. Your best defense is strengthening up your mental state by not reacting too strongly to the accusations, (which is hard) because your non-reaction will probably have them thinking that their theory is correct, but if you react badly that will have things spiraling out of control quickly. So it's best to be calmer and more rational.

[Steps31]

I can completely identify with this. It's so frustrating.
At least it helps in a little way to know we're not the only ones who've had this happen over and over.

[goatclimbing]

Agree with @Hart_Payne - stay calm and compassionate. It will pass faster if you do. Don’t get dragged into the cauldron.Her thoughts not yours.
Personally and with the benefit of hindsight I would recommend not screening your behaviour. Your partner needs to accept that you will have innocent relationships with other women. Otherwise she will drive every woman out of your life including family. Or you’ll have significant friendships with women which you never talk about which will then make you look guilty. Be yourself and be firm and strong.
You can totally take this or leave it. Whatever the BPD is accusing you of it’s possible she is capable of. Don’t live your life as a martyr to her. It’s OK to have secrets. Put yourself first. Don’t live in fear. You’ll only grow old miserable. A marriage with a BPD can be like living under a dictatorship. And remember dictators can be the worst hypocrites. Take care of yourself...

[WileyCoyote]

You can't.  Trying to convince them will only make it worse.    Just like trying to convince them that you are kind... .etc... .It is just one more thing that justifies (in their head) treating you poorly.    Their is nothing you can do for HER.  You can however, not let it bother you when accused.    I just say... .nope... .and change the subject.   If that doesn't end it and she ramps up I will go do something else for an hour... .which she will of course assume is meeting my girlfriend... .aaaaaaaaand again... .nothing you/I can do about that.   

Stay calm... .be rational... .But do not JADE.   Leave if you feel like JADEing.

[Harri]

Hi.  That is a tough one.  I agree with Wiley C that denying or JADEing will only make things worse.  Choosing how to respond on your end can help.  Knowing that pwBPD have a very intense fear of abandonment (which may be driving her thought that you are cheating) can help you understand where she is coming from.  I am not saying that will make her accusations okay though but knowing what is going on helps depersonalize so we don't feel so defensive and react.

Another thing you can do is validate the feeling.  So you could say "wow, it must really suck to feel that way.  I would feel terrible too if I thought you were cheating."  Something like that can disarm her.  You are validating her fear or the underlying feeling without confirming or denying her suspicions.

You know her best though.  Do you think trying something like that will help?

[Granite Chief]

Okay, so I have tried some new techniques. I do not want to be a victim but I also want to reassure her.

I have learned when she splits to not take her seriously and most importantly don't get frustrated.

I think I feed off of her sometimes and her fear rubs off on me. Things have gotten a lot better since the last time I posted. I have notices her accusations get greater when she splits.

Thank you everyone for the responses. It really helps me process and allows me to realize im not the one going crazy.