Reconnecting with my mother

[JNChell]

My Godmother has never given up on me. She’s lost 2 husbands to death. I can’t imagine the pain that she feels, but in remembering her. She’s a strong woman. She was a strong presence at family gatherings.

She married into the family. Her first husband (my uncle) died from an illness that I don’t know about. Secrets ran deep.

I remember how much I love my Godmother as a child. I think that both of us would benefit from this if I have any self worth left.

We spoke about things a long while back. She told me that she would’ve removed me from my parents if she knew what was going on. Maybe it’s time to become less isolated.

[zachira]

You say it is maybe time to become less isolated now that you have reconnected with your Godmother who said she would have removed you from your parents if she knew what was going on. It is likely your Godmother and other caring people like her, in addition to some of your genetic make up that made you different from your parents, are what allowed you to be a better person than your parents, and to be a caring loving father. It seems you are now realizing that there are good people out there and how you are missing out by keeping yourself isolated from them. Abusers isolate their victims, and make them believe that they are not worthy of love or meaningful relationships. Can you tell us more about your Godmother's role in your life and other people who have made a difference? What kind of people would you like to connect with as you move away from being so isolated?

[JNChell]

zachira, luckily S4 is napping. I’m crying a lot.

My Godmother, Aunt M is a wonderful and beautiful woman. She’s nurturing and I remember her hugs and her presence at family gatherings. I trust her, but it’s been decades since I’ve seen her. It’s surreal now in realizing that I cut everyone out when my parents died. Aunt M would’ve guided me.

[zachira]

It's not surprising that you cut out everyone when your parents died. All of a sudden you were alone. Your abusers were dead and you were left to face the unbearable legacy of abuse that they inflicted upon you. You probably did not understand all the reasons you cut off all of them. My therapist encouraged me not to cut off my family members when I first started seeing her and it was the right thing to do. It allowed me over a period of time to see what was going on, and to get better at responding to them.

[Fie]

Aunt M would’ve guided me.

How about letting her guide you now ?
You are saying you want to be less isolated. Are you planning to resume contact with her ? That could be a wonderful start of a new year ...

[JNChell]

Hi, Fie. You know, I just asked her if she would be open to moving forward beyond texting. She is. I’m trying to be more open to accepting guidance these days. There is risk involved, but I’m also trying to be open to the idea of meeting new people and learning by simply knowing others. God, I can remember what she was like to me when I was a child. She was so kind. She felt very unique. She wasn’t like the rest of the family, but she fit. It’s beyond that now, but I wish she would’ve taken me out of my childhood home. I wish that I had a voice that could’ve told her what was happening.

[JNChell]

I become nervous. I fear judgment. She has two boys from D. Cousins. I really fear being judged and shunned. Especially since I cut everyone out. My sis and I were the black sheep of the collective family. I don’t want the whole family back, but my Godmother is a good person. I’d like to have her in my and S4’s life. Sorry for the double post.

[Fie]

I know the feeling of wishing someone had saved you. I have felt that about my grandma. In my case I have always thought I couldn't have sleepovers anymore at grandma's place when I was a child, because she somehow stopped loving me.
When she died, only a few years ago, she said, you know, your mum didn't allow sleepovers anymore - it was not my choice.
That was something ... I wish I had know that before. For my whole life I had thought grandma had somehow given up on me - but it was my mum (again).
Anyway, even knowing that, I still somehow had the feeling 'if only she had saved me'.

But now for me, it's all about radical acceptance. Grandma hasn't saved me. Full stop. There are consequences, still now, of that in my life. But I accept that. My life is now. 

Yours too. Does that sound silly ?

Your aunt is alive and you are both willing to resume contact. Does it sound like an option for you to be honest about how you are feeling towards her ? Opening up about your fear to be shunned ? And about the reason you cut her off ?
I was glad to hear about my grandma's reason. Relieved.

[JNChell]

Fie, I’m sorry that you had to find that out so late in your grandmother’s life. In reading here for a little over year, families with a disordered dynamic are secretive. My dad had a heart attack and I didn’t find until 2 months after. I know that it sounds weird that I would have concern here. I guess it comes down to being left out of the loop or something. The way I see it, a heart attack is an immediate phone call. I think I’m overly open sometimes because I didn’t like how secretive my family was. I hated being told things after the fact. It was common.

I will be honest with my Godmother. She knows about the abuse, but I’m afraid that she’ll become distant. I love the people that I love a lot. I sometimes don’t know how to express myself. Especially in a situation like this. In order for there to be a true reconnection, I feel like she needs to know why I went away.

None of this is silly, Fie.

[Fie]

I can relate about the heart attack.
My dad had one too and I also found out later.
I agree with you, it's about the feeling of being left out.
I am sorry this all happened to you.

When are you planning to contact auntie ?

[JNChell]

Fie, we’ve already been in contact.