My new year started with a bang, literally

[Chosen]

(First of all, I'm already feeling quite stuck and a like a shameful idiot here, so no judgments please... .)

Just when you think things can't get worse... .he hit me, less than an hour into the new year.  It's not the first time, but still.

It started at night when I ticked him off by insisting on syncing my Kindle.  Then it turned into an argument (kind of), and I said something more (something like "you always say I am xyz" that ticked him off).  He said I'm falsely accusing him.  Then later in the night he put our toddler to bed and I was putting the baby to bed and he went out to grab a bite.  I didn't eat that day because my stomach wasn't feeling so well (nothing to do with him, a bit of stomach flu perhaps).  He came back with a dessert I usually like, but I was really really sleep at that point (had fallen asleep but woken up to nurse baby, planned on sleeping after she's done), and also my stomach was still unwell.  So I told him I'll just sleep and have the dessert the next day.  Went to the other room to sleep with toddler (we sleep in separate rooms now, each with 1 child, as neither of them sleeps very well, so we don't have to deal with 2 kids waking in the middle of the night).

A bit later, he came into the room and hit/ poke my head while scolding me (the things he's scolding me are the things he repeats all the time, some of which happened a long time ago).  Mainly how I ruined his life, I am always so negative, he does his best but I never do anything ("Have you cooked me anything?  Have you tidied the flat?".  I need to add that he is a full-time dad by choice and I work full time.  Not giving myself excuses on not helping on certain tasks, but he also doesn't let me help, and usually if I insisting on doing certain tasks at home after work, he would also scold me.)    He didn't come in to hit me per se, it's never that way, it's like he is trying to bold his words to me through violence.  Not that it makes it right; it's never right.

I was sleeping next to the toddler when he hit me, but luckily she was asleep.  He then hit/ poke me some more because he claimed I was glaring at him.  It was almost completely dark, I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't see much; how could I be glaring at him!  Anyway, toddler cried because of the commotion (I meanwhile wasn't crying, had to keep it together for her), he held her for a bit and put her back to bed.  I don't think she saw anything so that was lucky. 

After we moved to the living room, he "instructed" me to eat the dessert he bought (he probably felt invalidated because he bought me stuff I like but I didn't eat it?), while at the same time still scolding next to me.  Also kept on threatening "don't try anything sneaky" (I would assume re the hitting?).  I asked him what sneaky things he is referring to, he says "I don't know, just don't do anything sneaky.  I will find out.".  I said "I don't know what you mean, I'm not thinking of anything."  He and baby then went into the other room.  I finished the dessert, although needless to say, I was kept up all night because of this addition to my stomach.  Not that he cares. 

The next morning, still a lot of backhanded verbal attacks, like sarcastically "thanking" me the whole day for a cup of water I poured him in the morning, because "I'm already so thankful for that, you never do anything for me".  And also when he managed to put baby down for a nap and I said he's doing such a good job with then, he said "it's just that you're crap".  Also kept on saying I'm scum (or similar wordings), and I will get my punishment one day (this is a recurring thing he says to me). 

Yeah, so basically my 2019 started like this.  I have read stuff on DV and I know that there should be a no tolerance policy (I mean, who in their right mind would let a spouse hit you?), but I feel stuck.  I know what organisations I could call and shelters I could ask for help, but if I take this route I would have to take the girls, and it's impossible to take them within a short span of time.  Also, if I try to leave at that point, he would escalate even more.  The attacks were directed at me only, not the girls.  I don't want to involve them but I need them to be safe, so I can't just leave. 

Also, I have no family to retreat to.  There is nobody who could help me.  The family I have are his side of the family (my in-laws etc), and although I think they would believe me if I told them, they are a bit scared of him I think, so I don't think they would/ could help me.  So leaving temporarily is not a choice.  And at some point I would have to return.  I have read that it's even more dangerous to return, and I think it's the case too, unless I have a proper plan and I'm able to execute it, then return after things have actually improved.  If I left in a huff with no plan then it's even worse for me. 

There is nobody I can tell these things to.  I don't have much physical evidence to show what happened (there are a few extremely slight bruises that you get when you're slapping the face, but honestly I've had worse walking into a door), so if I tell anybody it's just my word against his word.  And being such a high-functioning uBPD, people probably won't believe me.  Also, who would I tell?  Say if I go to somebody "high up" in church and talk to them, they probably would ask to speak to him/ us in private, but when we get back home I'll have it much worse.  It's not something I can do unless I have it all planned out, for my own (and my kids') safety.

I feel really disappointed in myself.  Not because I behave in a way that get myself in this situation (because how he treats his spouse is his choice), but because I choose to stay, and also I am unable to solve the situation (cannot change him/ cannot get him to admit it's a problem).  He has never, ever said sorry for hitting me.  After he hits me, he would never mention it again.  My uneducated guess is that he was disassociating when he did it, and he probably remembers it but it brings him too much shame to mention it.  That, or he's a monster. 

I am an educated, outspoken, confident person in the eyes of people around me.  I think none of my friends would believe it if I told them I'm in a DV situation, and more than once (not a "regular" thing, but once is already too much).  I feel stupid. 

I want a family, a complete family, so I want us to stay together.  But I also don't want this to continue.  I want to prevent it from happening again.  But I don't know how!  On this premise... .can somebody help me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cailin]

Chosen, first of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you are in this hell hold of a situation! I was there with my first husband. At first he just hit me. Then it was the kids. I finally left after 11 years and 10 years after that found out that he had sexually molested my children. I dont want to scare you, but the fact is that he might start hitting your children as well. I worked at a DV shelter for a year and heard the most god aweful stories of abuse you could imagine. You are a smart, educated woman. You are capable. You are the only one who stands between your little girls and what could be life with an abusive father.
I know what it’s like to not want to break up your family. I understand needing a plan, too. Maybe start with just talking with a DV counselor. If you can talk, you can think and if you can think you can solve problems.
I hope you don’t think I’m trying to tell you what to do, or minimize what you have already done. Sometimes we can’t see the forest through the trees. Maybe you have choices that you haven’t discovered that would keep you all safe. You deserve to be safe and so do your daughters. It took me 11 years to leave. Most women leave on average 7 times until they leave for good. And you are right, each time they go back without some resolve on the partners part to get help it is worse because he thinks he wasn’t harsh enough the first time around or they wouldn’t have left.
Make 2019 the year you want it to be, not what he decides it should be!

[Hart_Payne]

You and your children are in a very dangerous situation. The reason why you can't leave are circular reasoning. Why can't you stay away if you leave with the children? Why would you need to come back? You're alone in a world where he BELIEVES he has the control. He really doesn't. He's trying to play mind games to make you feel weird about leaving him. It's a control tactic.

Your family is you and your children. He is a threat. Your love for him maybe kind, but he can't be trusted to keep you safe. Your children will be target. Yes he will try to attack back if you leave. Don't be a cheap cliche victim in terrible a Hollywood movie. I see that you're a strong and intelligent woman. You might be a little unsure and scared because you don't have resource people close to you. For the moment at least.

You should not be hit for any malicious controlling reason. You should seek help and you can get it without feeling alone. Please take care of you and your children.

[Ozzie101]

Oh, Chosen, how awful. That sounds frightening. I really hope you will talk to a DV counselor. There are a lot of resources out there and they can be very helpful in coming up with safety plans. I started seeing one last month (H hasn't hit me but has been threatening and verbally abusive) and have been finding it so valuable.

Please don't feel stupid. I'm a journalist and have written multiple stories about DV shelters. One of the things that every single person I've interviewed about DV organizations has said is "You'd be surprised at the people who come to us." It's people from every walk of life. Every financial group. Every level of education. There are no borders. In my case, I'm pretty well-educated on domestic violence, yet I ended up in a marriage where there is abuse. Go figure. I can credit my research over the years, though, with recognizing it for what it is relatively early. DV is insidious. And it's a very complex psychological phenomenon. It's unreal the levels of manipulation that go on there.

I understand your wanting a complete family. That's one of the big reasons people stay with abusers. But, the thing is, a family can look like anything. It can have 2 people or 22. It can be made up of people who are biologically related or not at all. But most of all, in its best form, family is about love, trust and respect. It is a place where everyone can be themselves and there is mutual, unconditional love. From what you've said, you're not getting that in your family.

My DV counselor told me something in our first meeting: unless he's really committed to changing, he WILL NOT get better. It will NOT improve. It may seem like it does, but it's a cycle. The monster will return. He has to want to get better and has to put a lot of work and effort into it. If he won't do that, then it won't improve and, chances are, it will get worse.

Please start talking to an expert. Even if he doesn't physically hurt your girls, they're going to be aware that things are going on. Kids are aware of more than we realize. And it can have a huge impact on them and their psychological well-being.

[Chosen]

Thanks for your replies.  I know that I must take steps to change things, and I also need a safety plan and a just a plan in general.  I think the first step is I will call a DV hotline and talk to somebody there.  Hopefully it will help me to formulate a solid plan, if/ when anything threatening happens. 

I know some of you may think, why is Chosen so stupid?  She should get out before it gets worse, think of what may happen to your kids, etc.  But it is not so easy.  I'm from a place without much DV support, and I need to make sure whatever plan I make will work in my favour, i.e. really provide safety/ provide a chance for him to change/ get help/ face the truth.  I also have no family, no outside support at all.  It takes time.  But I promise I will start getting outside help.

[Hart_Payne]

I personally do not believe in the slightest that you're stupid. I already stated that you're intelligent and strong. Believe me that not everyone know everything on all situations. Yes, you may not have all the resources around you now, but single person can change their world around, especially you women. It's hard to think when you have so much problem to handle by yourself especially with CHILDREN. I could barely handle my one without any stressful problems.

But seriously be careful with whatever system you use to talk on this group. You don't want him seeing this site and going off on you and/or the children. Delete history, recent searches, don't reply when he's around unless it's safe. He sounds sneaky. Watch how you talk on the phone , who you relay information to, and how you receive information. I don't mean be paranoid, but use caution. If you meet some one at DV services have an cover with physical proof. In short, if say you're going to store come back with bags.

People with BPD are outrageously paranoid and suspicious so be on guard. If you're in a bind because things go bad immediately, church and then police is the direct route. Most churches protect women and children and churches have outreaches for safety, then go to the police. Like I said before, protect yourself and your children.

[Cailin]

Chosen, I want to add, pack a bag ahead of time for you and your girls. Keep it hidden but handy in case you have to leave in a hurry. It helps to have a few changes of clothes. Also, medications if you take any.
I hope it doesn’t come to that. It would be better to have a plan but remember that you taking a stand will cause him to worsen because you will be stripping his control away from him.
God keep you!

[Ozzie101]

I'm so glad you're going to look for outside help, though I'm sorry there isn't a whole lot available. Something is better than nothing.

And I absolutely don't think you're stupid. The more you learn about domestic violence, the more you realize just how insidious it is. It's hard for people who haven't experienced it to truly understand, but it really can happen to anyone.

You're right to be wary of counseling. Couples counseling in BPD and DV situations can help a lot but it can also be very dangerous. If the facilitator isn't VERY well-practiced in dealing with it, they can easily get snowed by the BPD/violent spouse. Also, if you're honest in the session, it can be used against you when you get home.

But you can still try to get help for yourself.

Cailin's packed bag suggestion is a good one.

Also, if you can, make copies or take photos of important documents (store them digitally to the cloud). Maybe open a safety deposit box he doesn't know about? Start saving cash to store as well. Either start a separate, secret bank account or have the cash hidden away.

Do you have any trusted friends you could go to or who could keep your safety kit for you? If not, just hide them in a safe but accessible place.

Also, familiarize yourself with the locations of the nearest DV shelter and the nearest police station. In an emergency, you may need to go to one of those.

Have a DV hotline number stored in your phone (under a code name).

If you do have a friend or neighbor you can trust, fill them in on your situation and set up a code word. If you call and say that word or if you text it to them, they would then call you or the police. Sudden interruptions by outside parties have an amazing way of stopping an abuser in his tracks.

Very best wishes to you and your girls.

[I Am Redeemed]

Chosen,

I have been exactly where you are now. The situation you described sounds so familiar to me, right down to the "don't try anything sneaky" and being forced to eat something because he thought you weren't showing enough gratitude or appreciation that he bought it for you. Which just seems to demonstrate that his underlying motivation for buying it was to congratulate himself on being a good person, not for you to truly enjoy it... .or else he would have let you eat it when you were able to enjoy instead of disturbing your rest and aggravating your queasy stomach.

It's all about him... .he had no empathy for you and he distorted the situation to make himself a victim of your perceived negativity and slights.

I understand what it is like to fear judgment for not immediately fleeing from a situation where you have been physically harmed. I was in an abusive relationship with my uBPDh for seven years. I left three times and went back, each time thinking he was going to see the damage he was causing and get help so he could change and we could have a happy family.

That never happened. Going to jail for domestic violence, being on probation, taking batterer intervention classes and anger management, losing custody of our kids... .none of that produced genuine accountability and effort to change from him. After I left the final time, he still believes that my unwillingness to forgive and my resentment is why we are not together. He has also accused me of doing drugs and seeing someone else. That, he says, could be the only reason I haven't come back to him... .he will not acknowledge that his continued abuse and inability to see it's impact on me is the reason that I am done for good.

I held on as long as I could, I gave him every chance in the world to face his behavior and make a sincere effort at getting help. The only effort he made was to break down my resistance and convince me to resume the relationship, where the same abusive things just kept happening. To this day, I still don't have custody of my oldest children. They were taken away because of the domestic violence, and I never got them back. So I understand the fear of judgment. I was treated like a perpetrator, and my children and I were re-traumatized after the abuse by being separated.

I think the call to the dv hotline is a good start. Making a safety plan ahead of time is wise. I let the abuse go on to intolerable levels because I felt so stuck, isolated and ashamed. In the end, I left suddenly and without any plans in place... .I just couldn't tolerate life that way anymore. I made a desperate break for it. In my case, that worked out eventually, but it has been really hard and I have struggled. I wish I had made a plan. I wish I had left sooner... .but it happened the way it happened, and I can't go back and change the past. I only can go forward with this.

I have reached out to the dv center and am now in counseling. They say I have complex PTSD from the abuse, and that was one reason I had so much trouble trying to figure out a way out of my situation.

Please just know you are not alone. And you are not stupid. Abusive relationships are complex situations and it is easy for people who haven't been there to make judgmental statements about something they don't understand. Those who have been there do understand, and we empathize with and support you.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed