An unhealthy draw to ...

[HappyChappy]

People often wonder why the battered wife, goes from one abusive relationship to the next. Well, I’ve realised now that I have an extremely strong draw towards NPD  women and some BPD women. So much so, I now understand that love/hate thing. Thankfully I normally spot it before its too late. I only dated one NPD, and everyone, included herself, was warning me not too. My other draw is towards Lesibans, which made more sense, in that Lesbians tend to have had a stressful upbringing, and are seriously over represented in comedy.

This draw is so strong, that if I find a celebrity attractive I read up on her, only to find out they tend to lots of NPD traits (or a girlfriend).  In fact Lilly Allen even said she was NPD. Which is why sense of humour has also been a spider sensor for me, you need empathy for adult humour.

I also remember a close friend who had a NPD dad, she seemed to long for this special guy who had treated her so badly, and was clearly similar to her Dad. But she couldn’t see it, yet I remember the lustful cloudy eyes she got when speaking about him.  Anyone else relate to this ? Any way of unprogramming those thoughts, because I need to get over my Angelina Jolie phase. I think Ellen Degernerate might be more my sort, I don’t think she got a husband and she seems nice. 

[Harri]

Hi HappyC!

We have a lot of people talk about this sort of thing and wonder how to stop being drawn to the disordered people.  The only answer I have is more healing and awareness.  You have been healing and you have awareness, so maybe applying that awareness is the next step?  By that I don't mean identifying red flags though that can be helpful.  What is really important I think is watching your own reactions and what pulls you and then just slow it all down.  Watching how you respond to these so called red flags or dysfunctional behaviors and then consciously choosing to do different at your end.

We see so many people who have been in a relationship that started before they had awareness of their own tendencies find out that what they have thought was healthy really wasn't.  That is not to say that things can't be worked through though.

[zachira]

Most of us on this site can relate to being attracted to unhealthy people, perhaps as a way to repair the love we didn't get in past relationships. I was posting at one time, about how astounded I was that I was attracted to a man just like my family members when I was going through the biggest rejection and acts of mental cruelty by them in my whole life. My therapist taught me to notice my feelings when I was around him, to quietly sit back and observe. I noticed that what got me hooked when I first met him: I immediately went into this fantasy world, believing and seeing things that were not there, and ignoring the obvious signs that he is incapable of loving and respecting others. When I did finally adopt the observer position with him, I was calm and grounded, just seeing what was really going on between us:  basically zero concern for my feelings and no reciprocal communication on his part. When there is a deep fear about intimacy, I believe we are often drawn to those who could least love us, and there is a certain excitement about having a passionate affair with someone who will temporarily relieve our anxiety. Those who most fear intimacy are often drawn to celebrity attractions, people that they will never likely meet.  Healthy happy relationships take time to develop, and it is over time by observing a person in many situations that we learn who is a good fit for us. Most of the unhappy relationships with significant others described on this site, started quickly, were extremely passionate, and there was little time spent on really getting to know the partner before getting heavily involved both sexually and emotionally. So you are dealing with what most of us are dealing with because we did not learn healthy models for having happy stable relationships. You are on the path to healing, as you are now seeing the red flags before getting involved. Take care and let us know how you are doing, and how we can help. You are far from alone in how to deal with the dilemma of unhealthy attractions and how to have a healthy relationship with someone who treats you with love and respect.

[Notwendy]

I've read that we tend to be attracted to people who feel familiar to us and for those of us who grew up with BPD parents, we are attracted to people with similar traits.

I also think that we are attracted to emotionally unavailable people because of our background. It's also part of the laundry list for ACA. I think many of us share these traits:

https://adultchildren.org/wp-content/uploads/Literature/The_Laundry_List_EN-US_A4.pdf


I was curious about this and began to think of former boyfriends before I met my H. Since I was in school I don't think these relationships were on the level of marriage or serious dating, but there were some interesting things in common. They were not BPD or NPD but they came from homes where parents were divorced or alcoholic- so I think we had common family dysfunction. One old BF has grown up to have multiple divorces and unstable relationships- cheating. I'm glad I didn't end up with him! He also couldn't stand his mother- maybe she had BPD.

I think almost everyone loves Ellen! You will have to get in line to pursue her, and I think she's quite happy with Portia.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Great list. I have printed it out to keep in my reminders box.

[JNChell]

HC, we are indeed attracted to what is familiar to us. There’s a lot of clinical speculation on why. I’ve been attracted to these dynamics for a long time, and without a clue as to why I couldn’t sustain a relationship. It sounds like you have a clue.

Yes, I do relate to this. It’s only been in the past year that I’ve really identified this in myself. It stuck. I’m going to take some time to figure it out. I miss companionship and the warmth of a woman, but I don’t feel like I have much to offer right now.

I’m still attracted to girls that present with red flags, I’m only safe in the fact that I have no desire to be with anyone right now. I think that’s a big reason why. I’ll never go back there.  Knock on wood... .

[HappyChappy]

I got writers remorse on this, wondering if I made any sense, so thanks for the responses. I guess it's part of being chastised by my BPD if I ever showed any emotion.

Harri Good advice as always. Wherever you post, people follow. I'd love to know what "Harri" means.

NotwendyThat list fits, yet neither of my parents were alcoholic, workaholic maybe. My first girlfriend's father was alcoholic.

I’m still attracted to girls that present with red flags

JNChell you should visit China then.

Those who most fear intimacy are often drawn to celebrity attractions, people that they will never likely meet... .Most of the unhappy relationships ... .started quickly, were extremely passionate.

Zachira your post was so insightful you will be henceforth know as Dr Love.

There I go again, using humour to avoid talking about feelings. That said, Chandler Bing was apparently the most popular Friends character. Some very useful feedback, so it's not just me.

[Harri]

HappyC, it definitely is not just you.  You might actually want to post this question on the Learning board and explore it there with people whoa re more focused on romantic relationships.  Not that here was not a good choice, but it is a different angle that might help.

Harri means nothing really.  It is short for Harriet who is a pesky annoying eighbor who lives on the 3rd floor of my condo building.  When I first came here, I was annoyed as hell that I needed to work on this stuff 'again'.   I thought I had it all handled and I did for a while and did very well. but... .I came here for what I thought was going to be a quick tune-up on boundaries only to discover that the lid on the can of worms was off and I had a whole boatload of stuff to work on.  That was over 4 years ago and I am still wrestling with the dang worms though there are fewer.

And Happy C?  Where is that from?  You should start a board thread on this!  Seriously.   

[Fie]

Hey HappyChappy !

Thankfully I normally spot it before its too late.

Have you always been able to do that ?

I am able to do that now, but I have a rather long history of partners who are BPD/NPD. My relationship that has just ended was with someone who was really nice, certainly not NPD. But he was most certainly emotionally unavailable ... which is the biggest reason the relationship ended.

So I would say I'm learning ... I seem to be able to avoid NPD, but I still attract emotionally unavailable people. I hope I will be able to unlearn that, too.

Would you say this is the case for you, too  ?

[Pina colada]

HappyChappy one thing has helped me immensely is listening to podcasts or uTube videos.  I highly recommend Melanie Tonia Evans and Kaleah LaRouche/narcisismfree.com.  I that light attracts light and dark attracts dark.  I needed to start to heal my inner trauma from the age I could feel it:  Fear of abandonment, not being worthy of love and I go back to around age 3-5.  Had to work on my inner trauma, start healing it from inside so I could start to attract people that were healthier.  See, we can only accept the level of love from another that we have for ourselves... .heavy stuff but so true.  Learning about narcissism, my ex boyfriend, my sister has helped me start to heal from my early trauma.  I also have a therapist but this stuff works!  I hope you try Melanie even though I realize you are a guy... .doesn't matter.  Or maybe you have listened to her.  If not Melanie, Richard Grannon is good and if you know this I apologize!

[JNChell]

HC,  ! If I had the funds to, I might. Being able to bait a fish hook might not be worth international travel or an excessive credit card bill.

[HappyChappy]

And Happy C?  Where is that from?

Happy Chappy was a nick name at school Harri. I loved school, loved hanging out with my friends, and somehow I managed to blot out what happened at home. But I use the name sarcastically here, because since CPTSD gripped me, can’t blot it out, so I’m resolving it. I feel the happiness returning slowly, I’m listening to more upbeat music, getting a better response when dealing with people, so thank you bpfamily and thanks for your feedback Pina Colada (great drink) and JNChell. Someone mashed up my sports car last night, it was a slow speed crash apparently, my milk man drove his electric car into it –  – it was parked up and I’m not even joking, he forgot to put the hand break on. But I'm OK with that because I’m getting better and it was covered by insurance, so... .

Have you always been able to do that ? ... .He was most certainly emotionally unavailable. Would you say this is the case for you, too  ?

Very much so Fie. I realised as a child I needed to avoid people like my BPD, she presented as increadilby emotional and aggressive. So I lent towards people that seemed to have steady emotions, only to realise they tended to be emotionally unavailable. So I’m back to realising its not about high or low emotions, its about empathy, respect and love. But this time, I’m confident I know what I’m looking for now. What about you Fie ?

[Fie]

Very much so Fie. I realised as a child I needed to avoid people like my BPD, she presented as increadilby emotional and aggressive. So I lent towards people that seemed to have steady emotions, only to realise they tended to be emotionally unavailable. So I’m back to realising its not about high or low emotions, its about empathy, respect and love. But this time, I’m confident I know what I’m looking for now. What about you Fie ?

Euh ... .I could have written this. We are definitely on the same path - only you are quicker than me :-). I have realized this only the last few weeks. I have recently had a relationship with someone who's 'normal' and respectful towards me. Only ... .he's emotionally unavailable. For me it's all about empathy now, and closeness - willingness to open up (and ability).  I am indeed also realizing that it's not really about having 'too much' emotions (BPD?) and I am feeling more confident that I would recognize BPD, as well as NPD.

Actually I think that BPD also are emotionally unavailable ... just in another way than people who are 'healthy' but keep their guards up too much in order to have a 'real' bond with someone.