Unsure how to interact with Mom w/ BPD and enabler Dad

[Bookreader3]

Hello! I've been reading posts here for a few weeks and after realizing I keep wishing someone else will post my scenario, I've decided to post it myself. I have seen so much of my relationship with my parents and myself on this board, and I am so grateful for each of you opening up.

My siblings and I are convinced my mother has BPD - when I was growing up, she was constantly raging or falling into deep depressive spells. She was "the worst mother on the planet" while we were "selfish and ungrateful." The next day, it would be like these huge outbursts never happened. I learned to swallow all of my feelings and lose myself to fantasies about the future. Also, both of my parents are physicians and we grew up in a very rural southern town, so we were significantly wealthier than 99% of the population. I was never allowed to feel anything or express anger, sadness, frustration, anything because we had so much. How could I be so ungrateful? *sigh*

My parents gave us so much physically - trips, we lived in a big house, meals out, expensive clothes, cars, and in fact they still support me financially (I'm 27 in grad school). I deeply resent this financial tie, but mostly allow it out of guilt to my father - it's really our only connection. I don't want him to feel meaningless, and he's made it clear that providing for his children is the reason he lives, though we are all extremely emotionally distant from him. Dad
 always enabled my mom's rages - "whatever you said to your mother, you need to fix it." He shuts down when around my mother - doesn't say much, drifts into the background. He had a heart attack a couple years ago and I'm always worried he's going to die without me ever knowing him. His father died when he was an adolescent and his mother was an alcoholic. Neither of them have any close friends or family - most family has cut ties with them. My mom is constantly posting extreme things on facebook (sometimes 30+ posts per day) and arguing with people online.

In real life, mom takes over - talks endlessly about herself, her thoughts, her new obsessions (there have been MANY over the years). I am overcome with anger whenever they give me anything now - Mom used to buy big surprise gifts that you had to accept or she'd lose it about your ungratefulness and how this is how her mother did it. And her mother was abusive. (My mom's mom is bipolar and my mom is constantly trapped in the pain of her past). She cannot see me - she never has been able to. She is constantly looking to her children for affirmation and acceptance - every time she says anything, or anyone else says anything and I'm around, she looks to me to see if I laughed or how I responded. It feels like she's the child and I'm her mother, but I treat her coldly.

I have been in therapy for about a year now, and have been making huge realizations over the past couple of months - about the massive guilt, shame, and anger that run my daily life. The self-loathing. I've been in numerous and constant romantic relationships over the last decade that I always end - they are whirlwind romances that I have to extricate myself from after a while because I always get a terrifying sense that I've lost myself. I dated a person with BPD tendencies for 2 years and it was extreme - highs, lows, constant fighting, I was consumed by her (also, I'm a lesbian). I use relationships as a drug to make myself feel better. Identifying that has helped. I'm working really hard on finding out who I am apart from another human being. This process has been very rewarding, life-giving, and sometimes, painful.

The reason I'm posting is because I interact with my parents somewhat often (and just spent a lot of time with them over the holidays). When I do, I get so rageful that I sit in silence and barely say a word - I become hostile when I'm around them. Not actively hostile - I take my dad's approach by not saying much. I'm naturally quite outgoing and gregarious - my parents have seen me this way around my friends. It feels like I literally murder myself every time I'm around them, both to protect myself, and to protect them by not getting anywhere near close enough to mom to cause her to have a meltdown - that Dad will have to deal with since I live a few hours away (and I worry about his health; I don't want to be the cause of him having another heart attack, or just having to live in her rageful world).

Lately, I can't sleep well because I lay down and imagine all the things I want to say to my parents. I fantasize about screaming at them, finally saying things I've never said, letting it all out. I imagine how much easier our family would feel if she no longer existed. I feel anger at my mother for taking up all the space in our world and my father for not protecting us from her. I shut down my feelings around them years ago, it is not safe. And mom has not had a meltdown toward me in a few years because of this. My issue is - I want to deal with my anger in a healthy way. I want to respond to them in a healthy way. I don't want to be a martyr or a victim or play out any bad dynamic. I am also terrified of saying anything because that opens up vulnerability to them and I have spent years walling them out. I am hurting, angry, and I want the consolation a parent gives a child who has an outburst. Unfortunately, my parents are incapable of that kind of response. I am still realizing the extent of my lost childhood and that what I wanted from them is okay to want, though I will never get it from them.

How do I deal with the anger when I'm around them? My silent rage makes me feel horrible about myself and I can't keep this up forever.

[Panda39]

Hi Bookreader3,

Welcome to the BPD Family  I'm really glad you decided to jump in and post your story.

I come at BPD from a different angle my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and they share 2 daughters.  I don't have a BPD mom however I do have a critical and controlling mom.

I just wanted to say that I relate to your anger, when I arrived here I was one angry Panda, my SO's ex had majority custody the early part of their separation.  She neglected her daughters, used them to spy on their dad, waged a parental alienation campaign, and finally made false allegations of abuse against my SO.  This Panda is protective of those she loves and I was angry... .toxic angry when I arrived here.  I should mention that my SO and I didn't know about BPD until right before they divorced (a 2 year divorce )

It took learning about BPD what is it, how do you get it, coming here and learning tools, having conversations, and working on some of my own stuff... .to finally let it go... .to finally come to radical acceptance (I also had to learn to do this with my mom).  Basically, it's getting to a place where you accept that she is who she is, and is gonna do what she is gonna do, that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  It is about accepting they are who they are, that they will not change (not with out a lot of work), that you need to let go, that you are not responsible for their feelings, behaviors, beliefs... .they are.

More on Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Again Welcome!  I hope you find the link helpful.  I know others will be along soon to share their opinions and ideas.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi Bookreader3 and welcome to the board.  I am glad you posted.  Since you have read here, you know you are not alone. 

Posting can help quite a bit.  Panda already gave you a great response and I can only agree with what she said about learning about the disorder and what drives your parents behaviors as well as your own.   I have worked through quite a bit of anger, though I still have it, through therapy and what I have learned here.  Having an understanding of the disorder and how it affects me and my own behaviors and thought processes has been a huge part of my process.  Depersonalizing the dysfunctional behaviors of my parents allowed me to learn how to respond rather than react and in turn helped me find the energy to focus on changing me.

Reading your post, specifically about your relationships, really struck me.  That feeling of losing yourself is one I can relate to.  For me it is more fear of engulfment though I do also have fear of abandonment as well but to a lesser degree.   Did you feel that you changed who you were in your relationships, or somehow made yourself small so your partner could shine or was it something else?

Another thing that came to mind when reading your post was the ties you have with your parents, feeling responsible for managing their emotional state.  Was that something you did a lot of growing up?  Not wanting to set off our parents or cause them to be upset is pretty common around here.  In addition to misplaced responsibility it makes it harder to be okay with our own emotions.

Anyway, it sounds like you have been digging fairly deep and doing the hard work in therapy.  We can help with that process too.  More as a supplement thought

Again, I am glad you are here and I hope to hear more from you.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place. So many of us who post in this group have similar situations with our parents, a mother with BPD and a father who enables her behavior. You are taking all the right steps by going to therapy, reading the posts of other group members, and sharing your concerns with us. With time, things will get better because you are courageously facing what is happening and determined to make things better. You specifically asked about not being so affected by your parents behaviors when you are with them. You recognize you cannot stay angry and silent forever which shows great self awareness on your part, and how different you are from your mother and father. Becoming more aware of these differences and expressing the feelings is a big part of not getting enmeshed in the emotions of your parents and taking their feelings on, as if the feelings were your own.  When a person is emotionally out of control, they dump their feelings on to others, particularly close family members. A common dynamic, particularly among couples, is to get the other partner angry, so the one who is angry does not have to feel their anger. You are wondering how to deal with your anger in the eye of the storm. You may want to reduce the amount of contact you have with your parents to give yourself time to heal so you are more comfortable staying calm and do not take on your parents feelings when you are with them. There are many tools on this site that can help you with all the challenges you are facing. For many members, learning how to set healthier boundaries with their parents has been the first step in making the relationship more manageable and less overwhelming. Keep us posted and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Bookreader3]

Thanks for all of your responses - it really does feel so good to feel affirmed, and not shot down when talking about hard things.

Zachira, I've been thinking a lot about what you said about needing to express the anger. Still trying to find ways to do that, but even just hitting a pillow or groaning audibly when alone in my car have felt like weird little indulgences lately that leave me feeling better.

Harri, to answer your question about whether I change who I am in relationships - I think I've realized that I just forget all about who I am and what I feel/think in relationships. I focus so intensely on the other person that I just lose all sense of self. I let their needs become my needs until I just feel so trapped and lost that I suddenly pull the ripcord and everyone gets hurt. And as for being responsible for my parents' emotions growing up - absolutely. My mom's at least - she was constantly losing it and I would make myself very small to appease her. Eat all my "selfish" feelings to keep her from going off. Dad was always silent and sullen, saying he was "okay" and "everything is fine," and I learned to mimic that.

Panda, thank you for the article on acceptance. When I first read it, I wanted to toss my computer in the sink at the thought of accepting my mom the way she is. You know, how can I accept this insanity, she treats me terribly, I don't deserve this, etc. Which I still feel, but I've felt a little better just opening the door to accepting her for who she is and not being run by my anger that she's not someone else.

I have a habit of making things seem nice and tidy and taken care of, but sadly that is not the reality. My BPD mom called my sister yesterday and told her my dad has been sneaky drinking since his heart attack a couple years ago, that he is an alcoholic, and that he told her he no longer wants to live. Mom went off blaming everyone, saying how horrible this is for her. I feel devastated by this news (and he doesn't know that I know) and he has already started to walk it back, telling my sister that he's fine and that it's not a big deal. I'm not sure what to do with this yet - I've just been weeping at the idea of him being so sad, lost, and hopeless. The crack in his armor does make him seem more human though. I'm scared and angry that he'll die and I'll never really know him. I just needed to share this somewhere - I'm so glad this place exists.

[zachira]

Good to hear from you and glad to know that we are helping. You are wondering about how to express your anger, and are letting yourself do it though with some reservations. First of all, there are two kinds of anger. Healthy anger mobilizes us to take action and is felt and resolved within a reasonable period of time. Example: Your neighbor is texting and driving and hits your car. You constructively express to the neighbor how it bothers you that your car is damaged, and most of all, that his/her texting and driving could seriously injure other people. You get your car repaired, don' t dwell on what happened, and continue to say hello to your neighbor like you always have. Overwhelming anger, the second kind, is usually about unresolved underlying feelings like sadness and overwhelms the person with anger both in its intensity and duration. Overwhelming anger takes time to resolve, and needs to be felt in small tolerable doses that do not make us more angry or start cycles of feeling relieved and then suddenly overwhelmingly angry again.
It is normal that you are reluctant to express your anger, yet you probably need to express the anger in ways that it can be felt without overwhelming you. Anger is especially difficult to deal with when we cannot change the people around us who are negatively affecting us by their behaviors towards us and others. Posting here about your feelings and what is happening is a great start. Do post especially when things are going better or even really well, as these are times when the built up anger can be processed before it overwhelms you. There are other tools (many on this site) that you can use to help process the anger. Therapy can be a big help in having a safe place to express your feelings, and a competent therapist will keep you in the zone of safety and not let you become overwhelmed with your feelings. I hope therapy is going well, and is still helping you.
I hope I haven't written too much. Many of us post at times about how anger overwhelms us and what we are doing to overcome so many challenging feelings in dealing with family members with BPD. Do keep us posted on how you are doing and how we can be the most helpful.

[Harri]

Hi.  I was thinking about you and the anger you have and wonder if you can find ways to speak up and say no, even in small ways when with your parents.  When I say speak up and say no, don't think of that literally though saying no is fine too, but maybe allow  yourself to be more of you.  Building confidence to be you in small ways as you work on learning other tools and healing yourself here.  I am wondering if a lot of your anger might be from making yourself small so they can be okay.  Yes, you realized you do that but in a sense it is like we betray ourself when we do that. 

None of this may apply to you so if it doesn't, just leave it.   

[Panda39]

My BPD mom called my sister yesterday and told her my dad has been sneaky drinking since his heart attack a couple years ago, that he is an alcoholic, and that he told her he no longer wants to live.

My question is do you believe this to be true? 

I didn't mention how I discovered BPD... .I Googled "Chronic Lying".  My SO's ex makes up all kinds of things based on how she is feeling.  Often for people with BPD, Feelings = Facts.  They feel it therefore it is. 

I certainly don't know either of your parents, all I am suggesting is to question these types of statements.  Your sister went straight to the source... .your dad... .asked and he is denying the above statement.  At this point I would believe your dad unless you actually see or hear something directly from him.  Pay attention to what your mother "says" and what you see with your own eyes.  Are they conflicting or does what she says jive with things you have seen?

I also want to point out that your parents are adults and they are responsible for their choices, feelings, beliefs etc.  You are not responsible for things going on between them.  If the conversation your mother shared did happen then it is between her and your dad to work it out and problem solve.  She should not have pulled you and your sister into it.  She is triangulating and that is a dysfunctional family dynamic.  It is not your job to rescue either of them.

More on Triangulation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Panda39

[Enjoysnooker]

Hi Bookreader3,
I am very glad you've found this place. What strikes me most in your writing is that you're very aware and able to articulate both your distress and your hopes. I see that in the part you wrote about wanting comfort from your parents but them not being able to provide it.
Healthy ways to deal with anger... .I wish there was a magic answer but making noise in the car or whatever helps. I think we all have to experiment and find what helps. Anger gets carried in the body in so many ways. It's exhausting.
Just a thought, I hear it sounding like you have deep concern for your father and think of his mortality. Is there any way one on one you could talk even gently around the topic (while leaving your mother out of it) of your gratitude for him? Ignore this if I'm way off topic or not hearing right.
I am the mother of a daughter with uBPD and I think a lot about my own mortality. I fear something happening to me and that we did not get to say things that needed said, the bigger things, about the love that is apart from the distress that BPD brings to the days and how we interact. I still have a ton of work to do myself and am just a newbie member too (newbie-ish) so take me with a grain of salt.
I wish you peace and all good things,
ES

[Timba2]

I hear so much of my own story in yours - thank you for posting. I come from a very similar background as you've had and did rely on financial support from my parents until not too long ago (just turned 30). Becoming financially independent was one of the most freeing experiences for me. It will happen for you just keep at it!
My dad is a huge enabler - and he self-medicates with food. He is terribly depressed and he does not confide in anyone about the abuse he consistently endures. It's very painful to watch.
I attended therapy consistently for about 3 years that was immensely helpful to me.
I have realized that I really had to grieve my mother while she is still alive. I continue doing it on a daily basis. I still get sucked into trying to rescue my dad but often remember that he is a grown-A** man and that he is making his own choices. I know my dad is caught in the cycle of abuse - and I do my best to tell him that I'll support him no matter what - but he ultimately needs to get to a place where he can realize it himself and that's not my job.
I went no contact with my mom for about a year - and what a peaceful and healing year that was for me. I began speaking with her a few months ago but that was not the best decision, as she is still quite unstable, so I am going back to non-contact now.
I go through cycles of anger - I often have dreams like the desires you mentioned - where I just scream at them and tell them all my feelings. The truth is that my mother's insight is 0%. Even if I dropped all the truth bombs on her - she would pretend like she had no idea what I was talking about and just turn it all around on me. It's really crazy making behavior.
I do my best - when I'm triggered- to write in my journal, even sometimes voice record the situation, or confide in those close to me - to release some of the tension. I've done some yoga which also helps me. I think the answer for what works is different for everyone - but definitely work on that voice inside that can validate yourself. Learning how to soothe yourself with positive self talk- which was likely never received as a child - can really help. Give yourself some slack - let yourself be angry sometimes - just be kind to those around you. I often remind myself that letting my anger get the best of me is not much different than what my mom does - so I do my best to see it - feel it for a moment - then move on.
And yes - keep posting! It helps.

[chronsweet]

From reading on BPD, I have learned that BPD people do 'nice things' to help people so they can hang it over their heads.  You mention that your parents are supporting you.  Do you feel like once you are able to move forward on your own, and stop needing their financial support, that you can be liberated and free from dangling the carrot so to speak?

My mom gave me $1000 to help fix my bathroom.  A fight emerged shortly after that has caused over a 30 day silent period for which I have become demon-child.  The spawn that has been disowned and figuratively diembowled. 

I am a bit older than you (43) and it has taken me quite a long time to resolve that my mother is never going to change.  She cannot even see how she is and doesn't care that she is so cruel to her child (me).  I am at a point where I am relieved after the 30 day silence to not have to hear her voice in my ear anymore, completely enmeshed in my life.  Being free of that, being free to make decisions for myself without the constant criticism is beginning to be peaceful.  I haven't felt this much peace since the last time she disowned me. 

I am no where as experienced in dealing with this mental health issue as many in here are.  My advice is primitive.  At this point, all I can say is that your feelings matter.  You cannot control anything anyone does other than yourself.  You cannot control the output from anyone, only your own input.  If you want to be free of the feelings of being selfish and ungrateful, you may have to venture out on your own and make your own way.  Some people can give freely and lovingly.  For others, there is a price to be paid.