Walking away from unproductive and circular conversations

[formflier]

My wife has been enjoying sleeping in while on break.

I was up early and went to Bible study, ran some errands and then was doing some reading for MBA.

My wife calls me and invites me to the bedroom with the "come hither" hints.  I really didn't have time, but figured I would go for a quicky.

I get in there and she starts wanting to talk about the password for the new Nest thermostat we have in our home.  S16 put it in 2 days ago. 

All of her questions were reasonable and I knew the answers to none of them.  I didn't bring my computer or phone with me... since I thought I was being summoned for something else.

I did some light validation and agreed it was important... .and assured her that I would find time before bedtime to understand the issues better.

She wouldn't let it drop... .started going over the same questions again.   

I figured it was time for clarity.  "Since I don't know the answers to your questions now, wouldn't it be better for us to get naked and move along with the reason you called me in the room."

pause... no response...

"Did you want me to come in her for sex or to talk about the thermostat?"

no answer, although she starts talking about the thermostat again and asking same questions (I had already let her know... that I didn't know)

"Hey... .listen, I'm not able to talk further about the thermostat now.  I can start with a massage or whatever else... .please let me know."

pause... .

She starts talking again and asking same questions again.  I got up, got dressed and said I needed to get back to studying.

She talked loudly to herself for 10 minutes or so after I left the room.  I couldn't make out what she said accurately.

Sigh... .since they she has been withdrawn... .dropping little snippy comments here and there.

FF

[Notwendy]

This looks to me like mixed  messages. Sorry FF, I think she wanted to talk about the thermostat and you were thinking something else.

Yes, you had a  hot wife in the bedroom but that meant turn down the thermostat.  

[formflier]

Or perhaps she intended to use the sexuality to induce me to give up control of the thermostat... .or let her "in" or something.

I literally didn't know the answers  to any of the questions she was asking... .I hadn't had the time to play around with it.

While it's not unprecedented that she gets out toys/devices and they go unused and I came in she go one out.

Who knows...

FF

[snowglobe]

Mixed messages, fog and mirrors. It all sounds too familiar. Using one thing to get control of another. Complete and utter exchange program. By now, I’m sure, you are a pro at this game, hence your response. I am too, intimately familiar with it. When uBPDh drops the balls, he starts buying my affection and attention. Most of the time it works, as I don’t have an access to financials. Instead of sitting down and talking about what happened, get an apology, he starts making statements such as “let’s go buy mommy something, she seems sad” to the children. Or, “let’s all go to xyz together as a family”. Things I don’t normally have any access to. I used to tell him “shove it where the sun don’t shine. But then I realized that the issues don’t go away just because I refuse to accept the apology gifts “

[formflier]

Near as I can figure the mood blew through after a couple hours.  We had some great time out as  family in late afternoon.

Never would have thought anything was amiss earlier.

I suppose that was my goal with walking away.  To take anything that I might do to extend the drama or issue and get it out of the way.

Then... .whatever emotions my wife is experiencing will simply burn themselves out.

FF

[Enabler]

Does she perceive anything with a password as controlled? If she doesn't know a password and you do, you control it and therefore her. She knows that she can get your attention with suggestions of rumpy (even if it was not explicit, she knew and you knew what she suggested) and thought she could get what she perceives as the secret out of you. Maybe you not being able to provide the passwords = FF knows and he's witholding secrets from me.

[formflier]

All of that is likely/probable "logic".

She knew it was a new thing... .she knew she would be able to control it and she knew it might not all be at once, since there was stuff to figure out.

In other words I asked her ahead of time and she said she was cool with putting it in... .her one caveat is she didn't want to be at home and have other people be able to turn down the heat (when she wants to be warm) and her not be able to do anything about it.

I told her there was some way to share it... .that we'd figure it out and share it with appropriate people.  Perhaps just she and I... perhaps some of the older kids.

At the moment you can change it on my phone... .with alexa or with turning the dial.  I suspect I've only scratched the surface of ways to control and schedule this thing.

I am deliberate about trying to have empathy with someone that would "feel" like others would deliberately make her uncomfortable... when they are not around.

When you think about that mindset for a bit... .pretty sad.

FF

[Enabler]

Enabler W is perma cold and actually suffers from Raynauds disease. She cannot tolerate being cold and it causes her extreme anxiety. Heating and water heating controllers have been a battle ground for our entire marriage... .words like "he wants me to freeze to death" are batted around regularly... ."I" make her cold.