When the kids want to stay with the ex

[empathic]

Hello,
me and my ex separated close to 3 years ago. We have two kids, S15 and a daughter who is soon 13.

The separation was turbulent (as expected) but we did go together on holidays etc the first year for the kids, and it worked fine. Or, it works as long as I see past some things.

My son didn't want to have split living arrangements (he's never really liked changes) so stayed with his mother from the start. Also contributing to this was that ex got a small dog fairly quickly. This despite never having seemed like a dog person to be honest. She didn't want to get one before because she "would have to do all the work with it" as I was the one working. My son can hardly be away from the dog. We've done a lot of stuff together anyway though.

My daughter on the other hand wanted 50-50, and it has worked great until fall. As ex has a new BF since a year I think she found my home to be a "sanctuary". He has now moved in with my ex.

During fall of last year I noticed things starting to change. Me and my daughter didn't seem to have the same connection as we used to, and my daughter didn't seem as happy as she used to be.

Yesterday she told me (together with my ex) that she doesn't like having to switch homes and that she wants to stay with her mom from now on to cope with school, more easily meet her friends etc. She was (and has been) very sad about this as she was afraid she would hurt my feelings.

We live about 15 mins apart by bike.

Eventhough I respect the wishes of my kids and want to try everything to make them happy, I can't help feeling like losing out here though. I don't feel like I want any revenge on my ex, but it does feel like her behaviour has gotten rewarded in ways I did not see coming.

I will certainly try to do as much as I can with my daughter anyway, but it's not the same as living together and seeing the day-to-day stuff. When the kids were small I did most of the work at home, including cooking meals etc.

I have some concerns on what effect my ex-wife's condition will have on my kids, eventhough she seems in a better place mentally after meeting this new guy.

Anyone else been through something similar and/or have some advice?

[worriedStepmom]

You and your ex are a 15 minute bicycle ride apart?   That doesn't make sense to me that this would be too far away for your daughter to hang out with her friends.

In your shoes I don't think I would agree to changing the custody schedule for your daughter.  Instead, work to find out what the actual problems are.  What is really bothering your daughter?  What is the problem making it hard to cope with school?    Validate that it's tough to change houses (my kids don't really like it either), but that she has two families, not one, and you are also there to help her.

I have an 11-year-old stepdaughter and a 13-year-old daughter.  I will happily listen to D13's opinion, but she doesn't get to make the big decisions like who to live with.  That's our job.  My SD11 has a mom with uBPD.  SD tends to agree with what mom says (it is easier that way), but she is usually grateful when H steps in and takes those decisions out of her hands.

[ForeverDad]

My daughter on the other hand wanted 50-50, and it has worked great until fall. As ex has a new BF since a year I think she found my home to be a "sanctuary". He has now moved in with my ex.

During fall of last year I noticed things starting to change. Me and my daughter didn't seem to have the same connection as we used to, and my daughter didn't seem as happy as she used to be.

Yesterday she told me (together with my ex) that she doesn't like having to switch homes and that she wants to stay with her mom from now on to cope with school, more easily meet her friends etc. She was (and has been) very sad about this as she was afraid she would hurt my feelings.

I was told by my Custody Evaluator, a child psychologist, who recommended equal time when he was in elementary school that when my son was older he'd want one home base.  Since then I had gotten majority time during the school year, but with my son now 16 I've noticed that he's with me more than the ordered time.

I wonder, in your situation, if she is wanting her own "home base" then why not suggest at your home?  Hmm?  In any case, please don't Gift Away your time in a revised order.  Perhaps you could do as my order is structured, suggest majority time during the school year at your home and keep summers equal time?

Another idea, you could let her have a trial period, "let's see how it goes for a month or two and return to the schedule if I don't see it working", no change to the official order.  However, the risk is that it may give mother an opening to seize a reason to return to court to lock in the changed arrangement.

I'm thinking that ex's presence when she made her request is notable if not concerning.  Is this more about what mother wants and some of this is her influence?  I mean, does D have basis to need support of mother when talking with you?  Like, would you blow your top?  (Truthfully, I doubt that... .so why choose to have her mother there?  My "Danger, Will Robinson!" senses are tingling.)

I have some concerns on what effect my ex-wife's condition will have on my kids, even though she seems in a better place mentally after meeting this new guy.

Many members report that their ex's BFs don't stay BFs long term, they're just too unstable.  I recal when I was getting Legal Custody that I remarked to my son's Guardian ad Litem (GAL) that I wished she'd move on, find someone and get married.  The reply?  GAL bluntly said, "No one will marry her."  Back to your situation.  Will she stay in a better place if/when this new guy is gone?  Remember, if you change the order in ex's favor, it will be a Sisyphus hurdle to undo it.

[empathic]

You and your ex are a 15 minute bicycle ride apart?   That doesn't make sense to me that this would be too far away for your daughter to hang out with her friends.

The new set of friends my daughter hangs out with are all close to my ex's house. It didn't use to be that way, her then best friend (they have since "split up") lived close to my house and then she spent a majority of time with me.

15 mins would be a fast bike ride, say 20-25 mins for my daughter and friends.

In your shoes I don't think I would agree to changing the custody schedule for your daughter.  Instead, work to find out what the actual problems are.  What is really bothering your daughter?  What is the problem making it hard to cope with school?    Validate that it's tough to change houses (my kids don't really like it either), but that she has two families, not one, and you are also there to help her.

We don't have a schedule, haven't involved any courts. My daughter does seem happier right now. I can sort of understand her feelings as there's a lot more going on in ex's house:
Ex stayed put in our marital home, a rather large and nice house in a very popular neighbourhood.
There's the presence of her brother, the dog and ex's new bf, more family-like setting than spending time alone with her single dad.
Ex has a lot more people over, I'm fairly lonely (hard to change that unfortunately).
Friends and school are closer.

I will certainly do my best to spend as much time with both kids as possible, but it feels like I'm fighting against the odds. Maybe I'm too lenient, but I try to put myself in their shoes, and I do see the advantages for them staying there as it is right now.

[empathic]

Another idea, you could let her have a trial period, "let's see how it goes for a month or two and return to the schedule if I don't see it working", no change to the official order.  However, the risk is that it may give mother an opening to seize a reason to return to court to lock in the changed arrangement.

Yes, I suggested this trial period of a few months after which we will reevaluate. Good idea. We have never been to court, as we have always been fairly good at communicating and reasoning when it comes to the kids.

I'm thinking that ex's presence when she made her request is notable if not concerning.  Is this more about what mother wants and some of this is her influence?  I mean, does D have basis to need support of mother when talking with you?  Like, would you blow your top?  (Truthfully, I doubt that... .so why choose to have her mother there?  My "Danger, Will Robinson!" senses are tingling.)

No, on the contrary I very seldom get angry. But I think my daughter was afraid that I'd get sad hearing it.

I actually don't think my ex has actively influenced this decision. But she can be manipulative in non-obvious (and maybe even subconscious) ways.

Many members report that their ex's BFs don't stay BFs long term, they're just too unstable.  I recal when I was getting Legal Custody that I remarked to my son's Guardian ad Litem (GAL) that I wished she'd move on, find someone and get married.  The reply?  GAL bluntly said, "No one will marry her."  Back to your situation.  Will she stay in a better place if/when this new guy is gone?  Remember, if you change the order in ex's favor, it will be a Sisyphus hurdle to undo it.

There is no court order to change. I doubt that they will stay together for more than a couple of years from now, but not sure. The new bf seems tougher than I am, so maybe he will succeed to make her feel less anxious and act out less, I don't know. Time will tell. If they do split up I think ex will lose it again, so I hope for everyone's sake that they will stay together.