Where to start? Book suggestions?

[K’s mom]

I’m interested in getting some books, any suggestions. I know I will start with walking on eggshells.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Books have been so helpful to me... .
   - Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Manning
   - DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan
   - Reaching the Unreachable Child - Sheila Zaretsky
   - Transforming the Difficult Child, Nurtured Heart Approach - Howard Glasser
   - On Becoming a Person - Carl Rogers
   - The Explosive Child - Ross Greene
 
I have actually never read the 'walking on eggshells' that so many people here recommend, that is probably a great place to start tho.  All of them help me focus more on skills and how I want to approach things, and less on my own emotions (which I obsess about quite enough by myself without help :-)

Good luck!

[Only Human]

Hi K's Mom,

Incadove has given you a great list of books. I think reading all we can about BPD is very wise. Reading and posting here, books, articles and workshops here, it's all good stuff.

You posted in your other thread that your DD is recovering from substance abuse and so I wanted to ask if you've attended Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? It's another layer of support and I believe in the more the better when it comes to support for us.

How are you doing? Has your daughter been in contact?

~ OH

[K’s mom]

Right now she sends a text. When she’s doing better I get a phone call. I’m trying not to get into rescue mode. I have tried alanon. At the time it wasn’t really a good fit, I thought I would give it another try. I’m part of another online group, The addicts mom. It’s been hugely helpful with the addiction help, I just want to try understand more of the mental health problem. MyDD has complex problems, no one knows where to start. Diabetes, addiction and borderline personality disorder. What can I do when she doesn’t want help with any of it? I need to find a way to cope.

[Only Human]

It's difficult isn't it, K's Mom, when our children don't want help? Sadly, unless a person with BPD (pwBPD) wants help, seeks it out themselves (by asking us to help, by making appointments themselves, etc.) our hands are tied. What we can do, and what I'm sure you've learned as a member of The Addict's Mom, is to take very good care of ourselves. You're doing a great job of that by reaching out for support, learning all you can, and resisting the urge to rescue your DD. I know how hard it is to resist, we're moms, and we want what's best for our children.

I’m trying not to get into rescue mode.

What's going on that is causing you to worry that you will go into rescue mode? Are you referring to her desire to move in with you?

I need to find a way to cope.

That's a big part of what we help each other with here. Reading other's threads, joining in to support each other, learning and practicing self-care.

Here's a thread about self-care that you might find helpful. As you read, you'll see we are all learning together.

Better self care

I'm glad you're here, K's Mom. You are not alone 

~ OH

[Music Ace]

OH - your link to Better Self Care was great.  I'm so glad when those with more experience on the site can share these with us.

K's Mom - Self care is essential and learning how to like yourself (again or for the first time in your life), allows you to not only survive but eventually to thrive.

Forgive yourself when setbacks/relapses happen.  They happen to the addicts, they can happen to us when we're tired, caught off guard, overwhelmed, ill (note SELF CARE above!). Taking time to take care of ourselves is worth the investment of our time.

Also K's Mom - I'll totally 2nd OH's suggestion to find a Naranon or Alanon meeting ... but it's ok to take the time to find one you're comfortable with. I started with Alanon ... .the people were lovely and kind. I went to a Naranon meeting and found it was a better fit with the chaos and crisis I was in. Keep reaching out everywhere and anywhere to find the support that helps you the most!

Ace

[ForeverDevoted]

Hi K’s mom,
I found a book by Daniel Lobel very easy to read and I think it would be a great book to start with it’s called ‘When your daughter has BPD: Essential Skills to help families manage borderline personality disorder.

[K’s mom]

OH, the relationship she is in is definitely not healthy,  the reason she wants to come home. I have rescued her many times in the past and have been doing that less and less. I have committed to my own health, I have too.
So, I’m learning for me, to try make sense and learn more about this disease. I know there’s a lot of work to do and a long road ahead. I’m taking it daily. I appreciate all the input.

[Only Human]

K's mom,

You are so right, your own health comes first, there's a lot of work to do, best to take things one day at a time - bravo to you for being so logical with your approach 

How did she respond when told she could not come home?

~ OH

[Only Human]

I forgot to post a link to our library, since you asked about books.

Library: Book Club, Previews and Discussions

~ OH

[K’s mom]

She was upset when I said she couldn’t come back home. I said she is smart and knows what to do. Before she moved, I suggested she have a plan B. What was I thinking, she lives only in the moment, cannot think beyond what’s happening now.
I found the link for the books.
Thanks for the input.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

I just read or skimmed through the book Forever Devoted suggested by Daniel Lobel, thanks for suggesting that!  Very straightforward advice that sounds on target and helpful.  A bit of a 'Mary Poppins' flavor about it, and I would have liked to see a sense of humor included, but overall solid and reassuring.

K's Mom I hope things go well, perhaps some boundary-setting with limited offer of support will help her get out of the relationship, the Lobel book suggests things like "If you get a job, I will help with your apartment rent for X months" - something very precise.  It likely will produce an outburst, but they think that if you are consistent enough she'll get used to that approach.    I don't know if that would work, my conversations aren't quite like that.  Anyway good luck with whatever you try!

[wendydarling]

Hi K's mom

Great suggestions. Below is another some parents relate to. I think it's quite a personal choice, what works for us and our situation, eg my DD is a quiet person with BPD/co-morbid and Stop Walking on Egg Shells just did not do it for me as the first book I read, what it did provide me overtime is how broad the spectrum is. My early go to was Loving Someone with BPD

09. Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr


This weekend I watched/re-watched NEAPD videos I've not viewed for yonks, quite a fest. Really helpful I relate to Blaise Aguirre and Alan Fruzzetti, they are great communicators. My DD was diagnosed 2015 at 26, she read,


Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder, Blaise Aguirre
She could  not believe someone understood! It validated her and showed her there is a way out of her pain, there is help.

As OH says they have to be ready, through the skills and tools here we can prepare the way, whether that's a road to treatment or them making better decisions, choices overtime with support, as Lollypop's son has, is.

Small steps and hope. 

WDx

[incadove]

Thanks wendydarling - got that one too, on kindle, starting into it.  There is such a difference between books perspectives, its interesting, some are treating the BPD sufferer as very much an outsider, and just how to handle them, and others really try to empathize with the pain and go more into validation.

As you might have guessed, a few situations happened recently that are making me focus on this again!  I think things will be ok, but I pushed one of my dd's a bit too hard on paying back a loan, and after 6 months of good relationship she snapped into total rejection and shows a need to control my responses (demanding that I apologize in a specific emotional way that I don't feel).  Other things in the background as well.   I think we are resolving it gradually, but whenever I have a conflict I need to read obsessively :-)

[wendydarling]

There is such a difference between books perspectives, its interesting, some are treating the BPD sufferer as very much an outsider, and just how to handle them, and others really try to empathize with the pain and go more into validation.

I agree incadove can you believe it, my DD's disappeared some of the books WE bought for 'our library' (which we also loan to family/friends) exactly for that reason. However, I need to read them all, it keeps me healthy, balanced, to know my way forwards  

How about starting a thread incadove, what's been happening recently?

WDx