Introduce yourself

[Harri]

Hello.  We are happy you are a reader and member of the Parent, Sibling and In-Law (PSI) board. As a virtual family here, the more we know about each others' needs the more valuable and supportive a resource we can be to one another.  Even if you have been posting here for years, please participate so we can all learn about each other.  

Below is a questionnaire that can help us be more equipped to offer comfort, support and insights. Just like the family we are... .

What is the type of relationship?  

Parent, sibling, In-Law?

What is the status of the relationship?  

Full contact-  typical contact via phone, text, in person visits, living with them? Limited Contact-  Less than full contact, occasional/scheduled calls, texts, visits? No Contact- How long has it been?

How is the current status working for you?

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?

How would you categorize your loved one?

diagnosed, undiagnosed, traits only, BPD, NPD, etc?

What do you struggle with yourself?

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

Copy the code in the boxbelow, open a new post in this thread, paste in the code, and put your answers where it says ANSWER HERE (overwrite on "Answer Here", and then post it. We are looking forward to your story!

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[b]How is the current status working for you?[/b]
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[b]What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?[/b]
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[b]How would you categorize your loved one?[/b]
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[b]What do you struggle with yourself?[/b]
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[b]What are your goals at bpdfamily?[/b]
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[Harri]

What is the type of relationship?  
Parent; mother

What is the status of the relationship?  
Both parents are now deceased (2007- mom and 2009- dad) so I would say firm no contact ;)

How is the current status working for you?
I'm okay and relieved that I do not have to deal with additional abusive acts.  I buried a lot of my grief when she died and then when my dad died almost 2 years later and I am being hit with that now.  I think I am coping better with it today that I would have been able back then though.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Healing from the abuse.  I lived in my parents home until my mid to late 30's (you would think I would remember when I moved but I am hazy on that) and my mom did a lot of distortion of reality from when I was a kid that affected/affects how I see myself, my value as a person and my basic goodness.  Working here has helped with that though.  My mom also sexually abused me until I was in my 30's such was my state of enmeshment, brainwashing (for lack of a better word) and dissociation.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mom was undiagnosed BPD or uBPD but about a year and a half ago a new therapist mentioned she thought my mom was undiagnosed and untreated schizophrenic with paranoia and delusions in addition to having BPD traits.  My mom never fully fit the BPD diagnosis but it was enough of a fit for me to run with it and use as a framework to heal myself and learn to protect me after I finally broke away.  Schizophrenia fit after I told my therapist stories of events that included details that I had never mentioned before to any therapist.  The actual label has not really changed what I need to do or how I can relate to others here.  Abuse is abuse and my mom had enough BPD-ish behaviors that I get it.

My dad was the 'non' in that he was not BPD but he had something that allowed him to throw my brother and I under the bus and leave us in my mother's care knowing she was not 'right' (that is the word he used several years ago before he died when he told me he knew things were bad).  He was lazy, selfish and entitled.  I actually have more problems coping with what my dad did than the things my mom did.  

What do you struggle with yourself?
I still struggle with how I see myself though I have come to admit that I was abused, I deserved better and that I am not inherently flawed or evil and I exist for things besides being a cautionary tale for others.  This board has helped me with that even more than therapy did.     It was not so long ago that I couldn't even say 'I was a victim of childhood abuse'.  I don't mean I would shout it for all to hear now but I can say it and own it and not feel ashamed any more.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To continue to heal and learn about myself and who I really am or who I can be.  I want to pass on what I have learned and help others along on their path as well.   It gives me great joy to talk with the people here and I really believe in what we do here.

Thank you.

[chronsweet]

What is the type of relationship? 
Daughter to a mother with uBPD.  I have always been able to sense something was not quite right with my mom.  I have feared and loved her my entire life.

What is the status of the relationship? 
Currently, I am in about 4 days of No Contact.  This isn't the first time I have said it, but I really want to maintain it. 

How is the current status working for you?
It is painful and very emotional.  I have constant tears in my eyes as I remember the pain she has repeatedly put me thru for years and release it.  I am sad, but relieved in a strange way.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She does not accept or respect my autonomy.  She is never wrong.  She justifies the pain she causes me as some type of shaming session where she enjoys causing me mental anguish.  She knows she hurts and doesn't care, that is the hardest part.

How would you categorize your loved one?
About 6-7 years ago, I read Understanding the Borderline Mother.  I wept thru the entire thing, like earth-shattering, utter bawling.  I knew I was on to something.  That was when I discovered and identified with my mom being BPD.  I have never brought this up to her, because she would not accept it and it would cause a huge fight, all out shame bash.   My mom is the witch and a queen. She splits constantly.  Someone is always in her crosshairs.  I try to make it not me.  I try my hardest to disengage but sometimes I don't get out soon enough and the bomb explodes.  She is cruel and ruthless and shames like no one I have ever met.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I distrust those I am close with.  I put up a wall and it is very hard to get in.  I think that if I forgive people and let them close to my heart, they are just going to hurt me anyways.  I try to be agreeable.  I distrust women.  I have always had a hard time forming friendships with women.  I feel like I can't be myself around women.  I find that when I am in the presence of women, even my mom, I kind of tune out and want to get out and away as quick as I can.  When I think back on it, I have always felt very insecure around women and other girls my age.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to heal.  I want to move towards going no contact in peace and I want the tools to do that.  I want to retrain my brain to let go of some of the shame I feel so I can love my son the best I can and so I stay close to my boyfriend.  He actually has a dad a lot like my mom, they are all a little different, but we relate on that level.  I want to learn to trust that he absolutely loves me. 

[aslowrealization]

What is the type of relationship? 
Parent (mother)

What is the status of the relationship? 
Time-bound NC (three months). It’s been a little less than a month.

How is the current status working for you?
It’s working well. After several years of very LC (texts and emails about once or twice a week, calls maybe once every 4-6 weeks, about 2-3 visits of less than a week per year), I finally asked my mother for three months of “space” (no visits, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, and no holiday/birthday contact such as cards or gifts). Having this space has ended the cycle of being on high alert/constant fear of attack and is allowing my mind and heart to heal in unexpected ways. There have also been a few unexpected panic moments... .but being in NC helps keep me from jumping back into old patterns of needing to appease and explain when they occur. I am open to maintaining NC (or very, very LC – such as maybe one visit per year, or less) more than I have been in the past (I'm thinking I might even try continuing it for most of this year)…but I am not yet sure how I will communicate this to my mother. I may eventually find a LC that doesn’t cause re-injury (like maybe go back to blocking texts, emails, and calls and stick to scheduled calls and visits) but I am also trying not to put it on myself too much to just be strong enough to take what she mettles out, especially by a certain deadline.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Comparison and competition. My FOO has a pretty hardy golden child (my younger sib)/scapegoat (me) dynamic and it’s been difficult to find my feet both in the context of my family and in life due to constantly being put down and made to feel less than. Beyond the dynamic within our family is a sort of putting me in my place relative to the world as a whole. For a long time, I internalized this treatment and her assessments of me as "truths" about who I am and just thought I needed to toughen up and learn not to be bothered by it to get on with life…but recently, I’m learning that having this treatment come from a primary caregiver from a very young age has crowded my mind and emotional being with certain misconceptions about myself and others that I would like to work on and change, so I can be a fuller, more present, and more loving person overall.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uNPD…possibly some BPD traits as well but most of the behavior patterns that I observe are on the NPD side of things.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Isolation and grief. I have become increasingly isolated for the past ten years without understanding why but around October of last year (2018) I had a breakthrough that has lead me to learning more about how serious and pervasive the impact of PD-traited behavior can be. I feel like I have been in a state of mourning since my late 20s (I’m in my mid 30s now), and always attributed it to not hitting certain milestones (being at X level career-wise, having a partner, having kids). While I still think that not having kids without actively choosing it is part of the grief I am dealing with, I now see that it is also partially attributable to the situation in my FOO.

My hope is that one day I will become good friends with the grief I carry in this life (as I do not think it will ever go away completely) and, when I am ready, end this period of isolation, becoming the caring, supportive, and emotionally available friend and, should I be so fortunate, partner that I know I can be.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To share my journey with others so that they feel less alone and can start to unearth the mysteries behind their own situations with PD/folks with PD traits at any level in their lives. It’s also a space for sharing both the struggles and the triumphs that come with this journey with folks who understand in a way that no one else I know right now does.

Thank you for starting this thread, Harri! I look forward to hearing everyone who is comfortable sharing's stories

[Cat Familiar]

What is the type of relationship?  
I came here originally because of my current marriage to a BPD-lite husband. Previously I was married to a ASPD/BPDonSteroids husband and in comparison, my current partner is a picnic. But prior to all that was growing up with a uBPD mom.

What is the status of the relationship?  
My mom passed away in 2003, after I had moved her close to me and been in close contact for 5 years.

How is the current status working for you?
She always had some interesting link to the netherworlds. After she passed away, I had the carpet replaced in her house and I found peanut shells all over the new carpet in her bedroom. (When she got dementia, she would drop peanut shells willynilly and I was always picking them up.) Apart from appearing in a few dreams, no contact.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I want to understand and deprogram myself from some of the toxic beliefs she instilled within me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She was high functioning and appeared normal-ish to the outside world. She was very introverted, a hard worker and a Hermit/Witch type.

What do you struggle with yourself?
My mother didn't allow me a sense of healthy differentiation from her at a young age. I was always a reflection of her--and a project. She was determined to make me a better version of herself and didn't tolerate the fact that I had different wants and needs from what she would have wanted.

It became so intolerable to feel trapped by her expectations that I rebelled as a teenager and went no contact or limited contact for years during my twenties and thirties. Just being around her felt incredibly toxic. Toward the end of her life, I was able to care for her without feeling so encumbered and we had somewhat of a detente.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to become a better communicator, share any history that might be helpful to others, dig deeper into my roots, and be of assistance to other folks, as so many here have been so kind to me.

[Turkish]

What is the type of relationship? 
7th Son of a 7th Son... .just kidding.  It sounds cool though. 

Single adopted son of a single mother. 

What is the status of the relationship? 
Mother in nursing home,  ward of the county (Conservatorship) due both to distance and the accusations of criminal elder abuse my mom made against me when she was living with me and my two little kids. 

How is the current status working for you?

It works,  with guilt. 

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Visiting due to distance while raising two primary school aged children. 

How would you categorize your loved one?
Severe dementia, but before that Dxd with BPD, Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. I knew about Depression when i was 17 (30 years ago). I didn't learn about the others until 3 years ago. 

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt over abandoning her,  not doing enough.  Personally: being mentally healthy given being raised by a single parent with severe mental illnesses.  Striving not to screw up my kids. 

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

Finding family   with those who have similar struggles. Supporting others to let them know that they're not alone. 

[thebaddaughter]

What is the type of relationship?  
My sixty-five-year old mother is recently diagnosed with BPD.  I have known she was a borderline for about twenty-five years.  

What is the status of the relationship?
I currently have her blocked on my phone and on Messenger.  Tried to spend some family time together for Christmas -- not good.

How is the current status working for you?
I think about, worry about, or complain about my mom most of the time.  It is not working well at all.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
too many to list

How would you categorize your loved one?
scared, lonely, and angry

What do you struggle with yourself?
Living my own life and not worrying about her and what she's doing

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
getting some practical advice and support.  My sister is also joining with me.  We are at our end.

[Band aid baby]

What is the type of relationship?
My mother is BPD
What is the status of the relationship?  
Limited

How is the current status working for you?
Not well, I'd like to spend all the time I can with my family but can't because mom is often in a bad place and mad at one or more of us

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Not letting her goad me into a discussion on things she feels like people have done wrong

How would you categorize your loved one?
Miserable in her own mind

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anger and hatred

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Tools to communicate effectively

[DharmaGate]

What is the type of relationship?  
Whole family shows traits of borderline and narrassistic personality disorder but dad may have full fledged narrassistic disorder, he is the one I am focused on interacting with now.  Mom had BPD and npd died five years ago.

What is the status of the relationship?  
In contact at least weekly

How is the current status working for you?
Ok, with many, many limits of what we can talk about.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Not getting totally exasperated and fed up, keeping a open heart and mind.

How would you categorize your loved one?
BPD And Npd

What do you struggle with yourself?
Keeping balance, creating healthy relationships in family, being there for them

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Learn how to stay in the winning triangle instead of drama triangle.  Get support to stay involved with limits, dad is 82 I Understanding and support.

[Vanilla Sky]

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother uNpd and maybe uBPD

What is the status of the relationship?  
No Contact for 1 month.
She is giving me the silent treatment but this time I am choosing to use it as a temporary NC so I can work on myself. My T also advised me it's time to take a break from her.

How is the current status working for you?
I am trying to stay strong and not break the silent treatment despite the the thoughts of guilt and fear.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Healing from the abuse and being able to maintain a LC relationship.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother is undiagnosed NPD and maybe BPD. I took her to a psychiatrist 4 years ago after my husband convinced her to see a doctor about her anxiety issues. After the session, the doctor asked to talk to me in private and told me she seems to have a personality disorder.  

She was violent with me and my brother until we were teenagers. My father says that when she was angry she would beat me up until she was "free of the anger". I can now see that my father is an enabler and "flying monkey", and he just wanted to stay in peace with her even at the cost of his kids physical and emotional health. Now that we are adults and no longer live with her, she is very manipulative, she has rage outbursts 2 or 3 times a year followed by silent treatment.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with the anger that I feel towards my mother. The shame of what other people will think of me if I am not "taking care of my elderly mother". I live in a small city that is very family-driven - adult kids live close to their parents, etc. The fear that my mother could hurt my father just to get revenge on me as she is very jealous of our relationship. And I struggle to let myself be happy. Every time I am feeling happy I feel guilty because my mother is unhappy and I don't do a "good job to help her out".

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To move forward from Anger to Acceptance, and learn skills to maintain a LC relationship with as little fear, guilt and obligation as I can.

[Daniel H]

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother, uBPD or uNPD

What is the status of the relationship?  
No contact for almost 9 months (aside from a text message I sent to her to wish her a happy birthday)

How is the current status working for you?
At the moment, it is freeing for me that I don't have the stress of waiting for something to go wrong in the relationship and for that relationship, as it has happened now. I feel by being space, I can start to heal mentally and hopefully physically, continue with therapy on my own, and start gaining a voice of my own. I still stress over the current situation that I am not talking to her, that she doesn't know the full reasons as to why I am not persuing to continue the relationship as I always used to when I lived at home with her.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Healing and gaining a voice of my own. To deal with the stress and anxiety I have moving forward, and to try and not feel so guilty and focus on the positives in my life.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother has perhaps an undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder or perhaps a Narsistic Personality Disorder. When living with her, you can say something that can easily be construed or taken the wrong way or not give her what she needs and can be considered uncaring and inconsiderate. She is also very manipulative, from my own experience and from talking to many family members years after of their own experience.

With my stepfather and her growing up from 8 years onwards, constant arguments between them, some of them physically abusive. My biological father left when I was about 6 years old, it would be about 20 years before I reconnected to find out why.
From one of his experiences in the early 1990s when he was around and they were in an argument, she decided to takea bunch of antidepressants in one hit which meant she needed to go to hospital. When she went in for surgery to pump her stomach to get the depressents out, a doctor told my father that "he could not help her, she has a problem and you don't have the psychology training to do so". She would later be prescribed anti psychotics (for perhaps manic depression) but would later choose come off them on her own, then would spiral out of control again.

My sister and her have not spoken in the last 7 years due to the issue and was first to be confronted with the possibility my mother had BPD. That relationship broke down over my sister wanting to do something with her career that my mother didn't approve, and since has not wanted a relationship with my sister till she appologises.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with a mixture of emotions. I am sad about the situation and now that I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore. I'm anrgy with my mother that her issues got to a stage where it effected us and that she doesn't see she has a problem. I feel I have guilt for deciding not to continue communicating, and what kind of person that makes me by not having a relationship with my mother.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To overcome the guilt, to gain concrete understanding of everything in my life, and to find ways to move forward in life.

[risingtide]

What is the type of relationship?  
Parent (mother).

What is the status of the relationship?  
Strained. I got mom to agree to go to therapy with me to work on our relationship.  She lasted two sessions.  But I'm continuing to see him (with her agreement) and am getting a great deal out of it.  We are probably technically low contact.

How is the current status working for you?
It's not.  I'm the one painted black and have been for many years.  Our version of low contact is having a nice lunch, then mom getting upset days or weeks later about some old or new transgression, and sending an accusatory email along the lines of "I'm so looking forward to a bright future free of your abuse and contempt.  I know this must make you furious, but so be it.  Please do not contact me!" Which I then take as an opportunity to enjoy low contact for a while (don't throw me into that briar patch!).  Lather, rinse, repeat.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She seeks empathy and validation, but I struggle to validate her feelings when the bulk of her feelings are focused on her belief and accusations that I am cruel, abusive and neglectful of her.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD. Diagnosed depression, anxiety. Reluctant to acknowledge alcoholism.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Sorting out what type of relationship I want to have with my mother.  I can't source the needed tools and put them to work until I know what my goal is.  I am slowly coming to the realization that I cannot expect her to ever view me in a better light, nor can I expect her to ever stop her abusive communications or her attempts to turn others against me.  That I need to focus solely on me and my response to the situation.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To gain the insight of others and to offer insight to those who are facing issues similar to those I am facing.

[Dotner]

What is the type of relationship? 
My mother--uBPD.

What is the status of the relationship? 
We are in full contact as of now. She goes through periods of LC with me, but it's mostly silent treatment since our whole family is nearby and we see each other regardless. I gave up trying to get her to hear me years ago, and I understand she will never see my point of view. Knowing this helps. She is high functioning and whatever my father and she have as a "partnership" seems to be working.

How is the current status working for you?
It's going fine. I have developed good strategies for enforcing boundaries, and I did live far, far away for a long time before moving back to the area where she and the rest of my family live. It's better this way, because I can come and go as I please rather than stay with the parents and feel trapped. I'm also a teacher, and so I am used to communicating with boundaries and with children with whom you cannot reason.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
We have a pretty good relationship. I have been "the good" child in our family, and though I have anxiety/depression issues, she and I don't fight much. I'm mostly very, very, very sad for her because I understand that she is wounded, lonely, and flailing. Also, we all (my sister, dad, brother-in-law) rotate around on "the hot seat." I knew that at some point, something big would happen between us and I'd be on the hot seat, but it didn't happen most of my adult life until 2 years ago. It was my breakthrough crisis. We got through it.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She has never recognized any sort of depression or disorder in herself, though my elementary and beyond years are not happy memories--mostly inconsistent messaging from her and her fury at times. She refused to talk about any of those possibilities with my sister and I growing up, and it was very much an elephant in the room. My dad did a good job of trying to educate us about BPD and her condition.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I am just now realizing how traumatized I am emotionally from the inconsistency and silence/fury during childhood. I have remembered and mourned (and continue to), and I am now considering how what happened might affect my role in any romantic relationships I may some day try to pursue. I don't really have the emotional energy to do so any time soon. (I'm single with no kids).

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I'd like to continue healing (I need many reminders that all this is totally valid and I'm not overdramatizing), and develop some insights into how to relate to people close to me in a healthy way.

[BunnyLoris]

What is the type of relationship? 
Mother

What is the status of the relationship? 
Went from NC to LC to WAY TOO MUCH C and now I'm trying to get back to NC again

How is the current status working for you?
 It's really, really not.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
 I'm in a place of extreme financial instability and she would definitely take us in again... .and that would be hell.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anxiety, depression, emotional insensitivity (I know I'm cold to DH at times), emotional volatility, and anxiety related migraines

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I just need somewhere people talk sanity so I can reorient myself.
I feel like I've been playing a prolonged game of pin the tale on the donkey, stabbed myself in the eye with the donkey tail, and now I just want the room to stop spinning.

[JNChell]

What is the type of relationship? 
Adoptive mother and father. I believe my mother had severe BPD traits and that my father was a diagnosable NPD.

What is the status of the relationship? 
Non-existent. They both passed in 2010.

How is the current status working for you?
Well, they’re not physically here anymore so I guess that’s one thing, but they’re still here mentally which is a challenge that I’m working on.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Accepting and healing from the trauma that they perpetuated onto me. I’m not real happy about the way it has affected me as an adult, and I’m trying to move past that.

[JNChell]

I didn’t paste the whole link in my post. Here’s the rest.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Unstable, violent and highly abusive.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Anger, self worth and hopelessness, as well as blaming my parents for the course that my life has taken up to a certain point. I’m aware that this isn’t a healthy frame of thought and I’m working through that. I will get there.

Lately, as I’ve been processing all of this, the feelings are becoming quite acute at times. I can’t leave myself here, so I have to keep pushing on. I know that if I stop or give up, that I’ll leave myself in this state. It doesn’t feel good and I’m not staying here.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
My first goal is to finally heal. I’ve been carrying this stuff inside of me for decades. I didn’t really realize it until I showed up here and began to interact. This community and it’s members helped me open some very important doors in my mind. I don’t think that therapy alone would’ve been enough for me. Interacting here with peers that truly understand has made a lot of difference in the direction that I’m now taking. I was once very high on the spectrum for C-PTSD. I was a severe case coming out of the relationship with S4’s mom. I can now look at that place that I was in from a distance and this support group has played a big part in me being able to do that.

My second goal here is to hopefully be able to help others. I’ve adopted the idea of “paying it forward” with my new self. I believe that acts like this are important in the creation of healthy societies and humanities. I genuinely choose to help those in need with the knowledge and experience that I’m gaining. I have a ways to go, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try.

[happykiwi]

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother

What is the status of the relationship?  
NC since April 2015

How is the current status working for you?
Wonderfully.  It wasn't until I blocked her on my phone I realise how much dread I'd been living with whenever I saw her name on my screen.  Just not having her toxic ugly ways in my life is fabulous!

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her outrage and smearing my name to family/friends.  Just recently she joined FB and has been systematically trying to 'friend' all my family/friends.  Disappointed my Dad accepted her friendship on FB (they've been divorced 20 years and he knows her poisonous ways) but understood as he's an enabler

How would you categorize your loved one?
A narcissist.  She had a terrible childhood and I believe that altered her normal development.  Which is why I love this saying 'don't shout at the broken'.  

What do you struggle with yourself?
Four years ago I would have written so much here.  But by understanding life's lessons, knowing my boundaries, grieving for a Mother I never had and reconnecting and loving my inner child I'm in pretty good place.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Hopefully to be able anyone else going through the crap of being involved with a broken person.

[Panda39]

What is the type of relationship? 
My Significant Other's Ex-Wife

What is the status of the relationship? 
I really don't have a relationship with her, I am here to support my SO's 2 daughters.  D18 & D22.  D22 has been with a very few exceptions NC with her mom since 2015 & D18 is low contact.  Both have their own particular difficulties with their choices, both have learned particular behaviors from their mother, and both cope differently.  In general D22 is the Golden Child and D18 the Scapegoat.

How is the current status working for you?
Minimal contact is working very well soo much less drama!

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Knowing how to best support the girls in various situations with their mom.  I started out on the co-parenting board but naturally migrated to this one.  Everyone here has helped me get a better understanding of what the girls may be experiencing, and have helped me avoid accidental pitfalls. I appreciate all everyone shares, you all Rock!

How would you categorize your loved one?
The girl's mom I would describe as a Queen/Waif just depends on the situation. If she can't get what she wants by bullying (Queen) then she goes into victim (Waif) mode.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Not a lot these days, the girls are older, mom is less in the picture so it's usually just a random monkey wrench that gets thrown my way.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I'm not here/posting as often as I used to but I like to support others (pay back what has been given to me) and still bounce things off you all when I need to.

Panda39

[Harri]

I want to thank everyone who has posted their story here.  It is really interesting to read the answers to the questions and know what your goals are. 

I hope more will post, even those who have been here for a while... years even.  We care!

[smokyquartz]

What is the type of relationship?  
      Parent, mother

What is the status of the relationship?  
Full contact-  typical contact via phone, text, in person visits,

How is the current status working for you?
It’s working out okay. She sometimes abuses the ability to text me whenever she wants, but she doesn’t call - ever. So that is sort of nice! I am the one to call her. If she starts texting me a lot, I usually pick up the phone and spend 15 min on the phone. That will slow down the texts.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I am getting married this year, so lots of things related to wedding planning. She claims I hate her and want her to look bad at the wedding. That sort of stuff.

How would you categorize your loved one?
 undiagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
I have diagnosed Bipolar 1, and it’s hard not to blame her for it. I also have a lot of guilt and sadness about it all. I am struggling with what to do with all the hurtful memories

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
My main goal is to have a space to talk about what happened and where to go from here with people that understand. Friends and even other family members don’t always get it... I also want to share what has helped me with other people who are struggling.

[CautiousHopeful]

What is the type of relationship?
Mother with uBPD

What is the status of the relationship?
Still in regular contact, but withdraw at times to protect myself.

How is the current status working for you?
While on the one hand I prefer having some contact rather than none, it does tend to lead to distress at times, so I find it is a balancing act.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I still love her and care about her, but I can also feel like I am walking on eggshells never quite knowing when the next irrational meltdown will happen. I have effectively been in a parental role with her since I was a very small child. I know this is a form of enmeshment and have been working at extricating myself from it. She was extremely harmed by her own mother who acted out in cruel ways towards her, so it is like I see this helpless, small and broken child in my mother. It is hard not to want to try and help her, but at the same time I have to recognise there are limits to this and I can only do so much, and that sometimes you have to take care of yourself first before you can help others. Reconciling the parts of her that can be kind with the parts that can be cruel with the intent of harm is the most difficult thing for me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD - the Jekyll and Hyde model definitely fits, and interestingly she describes her own mother as having these two faces and yet seems unable to recognise it in herself (or possibly vaguely recognises it but can't own it as a reality).

What do you struggle with yourself?
I've realised my pattern of adult relationships has in a number of cases reflected the dynamics I've had with my mother. I've had people look to me as their parent when I am meant to be their peer, and of course I've fallen right into the trap of filling a support role with them, often at the expense of my own well-being. I am seeing this more and more clearly, and recently let go of two friendships where I realised I was supporting people who in one case seems to also be uBPD, and in another case uNPD. It is amazing how many years it took me to pick these things up and grasp them for what they are. I'm now focussing on the friendships that I can clearly recognise as healthy, balanced ones. I've also been frightened of intimate relationships because I get so confused about who I can trust and not trust, and can feel like I'm in danger with people who might actually be trustworthy, while other times trusting people it turns out I shouldn't have. It is like I feel very vulnerable and that I could get myself unwittingly into a dangerous and distressing situation, so I sometimes withdraw and have to go out into nature to get away from it all. I really feel more safe in nature and with animals than I do with people.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To keep learning about what I am dealing with. Reading the resources on this site and posts from other people has been really helpful already. It is validating to know I am not alone and that many of us are dealing with similar challenges. I'm also happy to post from time to time with anything I find helpful.

[cesk]

I am a 51 yo married mom of a 13 year old, who has some challenging issues, though not MH issues.

What is the type of relationship?  
my parents

What is the status of the relationship?  
Father: Dad exhibited some appalling behavior after mom's stroke so my sister and I do not speak to him or see him (unless I forget to check caller ID on Christmas Day) :\
Mother: I am a caretaker but not heavy duty. She had a stroke, then dad dumped her in a nursing home and went off and got remarried, and I moved her near me. She lives in assisted living but I manage her financial affairs, go to some medical appts., otherwise limit contact to holidays and events and do not get emotionally entangled in her everyday dramas.  

How is the current status working for you?
With dad, his works just great. Just talking on the phone feels like a Monty Python skit so I don't bother.
Mom: Stroke always seems to exacerbate issues, I'm told. I've managed to learn good boundary setting with mom from this experience though--, telling her when I think she is capable of dealing with problems on her own, or that I cannot deal with a problem so she will have to find another source of help. So I am OK right now, even though I know she pines to spend hours of quality time together each day watching Alaskan Bush People. :D

Only sad because after my son was born and they retired, they were enjoying being more hands-on grandparents, and helping us out as they could with house projects and a little child care (albeit on a very short leash). So there is global loss of course.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
With dad- Just knowing that as he nears 80 his time may be short and I can't seem to be able to forgive him or even really talk to him. Scared of how I will respond when he passes.

With mom- some cognitive decline seems to be setting in and I can see this getting ugly so am starting to look into other care options as her current assisted living can't really deal with it if it gets worse. I know she pretty helpless (100% pure victim) and could not bring myself to leave her in a depressing NH far from family, but do not have the emotional ability to attend to her as much as she would like.  She is too self-centered, and I have a hard time stomaching it. I set boundaries fine now but she can do less and less for herself, and I feel like in my current emotional state I give her as MUCH as I can--but she is kind of a bottomless pit and I can't get too near the edge. And it is only going to get worse as confusion seems to be setting in.  

How would you categorize your loved one?
Father very likely uBPD, no known HX of trauma,
Mother, abuse survivor, with alcoholic, possible BPD father (my maternal GF)  

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self care. VERY bad at it. I don't even allow myself much fun unless a family member initiates it. GOAL: I will attain balance, stronger self-compassion and self-understanding, and better relationship skills, plus enjoy life more, and because I am stronger, will be able to give more to my community.  Also will feel closer to my family, stick with friendships through inevitable hurts, feeling safe in the world as I learn how to stand up for myself.  

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Connecting with some peers to work on goal-setting, reality-checking and sharing as I learn to treat myself like someone who deserves to live a full life--inner and outer. Celebrate progress and commiserate setbacks.

Just reading your stories is SO powerful.

[sklamath]

What is the type of relationship? 
Mom

What is the status of the relationship? 
No Contact for one year.

How is the current status working for you?
I'm happy for the space to work on me. There are sad days, I am still grieving some things, but I don't miss the constant feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
 
What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Emotional manipulation. 

How would you categorize your loved one?
Not diagnosed, has a lot of vulnerable NPD/BPD and codependent traits. She is always the victim, whether it's a job, family, or social situation.

What do you struggle with yourself?

• I have internalized Mom's accusations over the years that I'm selfish and hurtful, and I often carry the feeling that I'm disappointing others.
• Catching myself in a disagreement with my husband thinking or saying something a little too black/white.
• My accomplishments have often been seen as threatening to my mother, and I still hear her  voice calling me selfish when I pursue something that I would like. I am trying to regrow some of the parts of me I had previously "pruned'.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

• Support through some of the ups and down.
• Sharing my own story in hopes that something will resonate with others, in the same way that others' stories have resonated from me and given me some aha moments.
• I also find that encouraging others on their journey here is a way to reinforce positive self-talk and break out of FOG thinking patterns.

[nomodrama]

What is the type of relationship?  
Sister, I am the youngest sister. She is 62, brother is 60 and I am 49, so there is a generation gap in play.

What is the status of the relationship?  
Very recent No Contact- still working on it because our mom is in a nursing home. Brother has the power of attorney. I just learned my sister is likely a pwBPD a few weeks ago so all this info is light bulbs going off.

How is the current status working for you?
I am still working on boundaries, forgiveness, grudges and my anger and embarrassment about it.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Yelling at me about things related to our mom in a nursing home that I have no control over and also her lies and attacking me verbally about not reacting to her suicide text threat the way she wanted me too . She is mad our whole family knows now because I feel you don't get to play the emotional blackmail card and keep it a secret, especially when you visit our mom alone at her care facility where they let you close the door to her private room. Before the nursing home there were enmeshment/co-dependent issues between sister and mom and constant fighting. She treated out elderly mother like she was her therapist, constantly emotional dumping and took money from her. I am not going to be her new emotional dumping ground.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed pwBPD but in therapy and on medications for anxiety and depression.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I go back and forth feeling sorry for her and totally pissed at her- I question my own sanity esp when in F.O.G..

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn about BPD and gain coping strategies. I helps to write about it, get feedback and to see that others have very similar struggles. Misery loves company. This site is treasure trove of info and help!

[cle216]

What is the type of relationship? 
The person in my life is my mother.

What is the status of the relationship? 
I think limited contact best describes it. I see her on holidays, I text or call when it feels like it has been too long. Occasionally there are other in person visits in between the holiday gatherings. It really ebbs and flows with her current status.

How is the current status working for you?
I sometimes struggle with it. I feel like I have to strategize when I reach out to her and when she reaches out to me I know it's because she needs support, not because she just misses me. It's hard but I'm growing in my acceptance and allowing some distance where I used to always try to swoop in to "save" her and provide advice she was asking for with no intention to use it. It can be exhausting. I'm learning to change what I can control.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Knowing that I can't just reason with her. Now raising my own children I see much more clearly the differences in how I am and how other family members are with my children. I struggle with watching her repeat the same pattern over and over and accepting that she can't see the pattern or that she is the common denominator in situations.

How would you categorize your loved one?
I believe she was officially diagnosed (but in denial) or quit therapy before the official diagnosis was given. Her explanation to me was that the therapist discussed this diagnosis with her, the therapist was wrong, she stopped going.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Healing and being able to talk about the past or find words to express how I feel. Sometimes I don't even know how I feel or can't immediately process situations.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To connect with others in relatable situations to realize I'm not alone. I'd also like to be able to access the tools here to help me heal and find the strength to accept help where I need it.

[podsnapG]

What is the type of relationship?  
uBPD sister-in-law and enmeshed brother

What is the status of the relationship?  
Low contact. My husband doesn’t want contact, but I’m trying to maintain some communication about my elderly mom’s care.

How is the current status working for you?
Difficult. Sister-in-law is hurt that we don’t see them socially more often. I’m having trouble maintaining light contact as she is always hurt or angry, upset about my husband avoiding them (even though she has had conflict with him in the past and they’re like oil and water) and my brother is always mad at me (she gets him riled up)

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
The wedge driven between my brother and I, especially now that my Mom is in hospice care. I want to make the most of the time we have with her, but the conflicts with my sister-in-law and  brother take up time and energy. I’ve had a roller coaster ride taking care of my mom, losing two friends and my dog in the past 3 months, and also received a threatening letter from my other brother, who is a substance abuser. In the midst of all this, my sister-in-law makes it all about her. I feel like I am losing my whole family (except husband)

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD high functioning. Would never think she has BPD.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Not bending over backwards to make her feel better, always doing things on her terms. I have always been a peacemaker/ rescuer... now trying to take care of myself (and my mom) Fear, Obligation and Guilt! I am realizing I must tolerate discomfort to keep my boundaries. I am finally learning to protect myself.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Learning helpful communication skills. Also learning about my own role in the drama! I am finally learning that I can’t take responsibility for others problems. And that my own defensiveness can make things worse.

[CathFoley]

What is the type of relationship? 
Daughter to a uBPD mother and extremely eGrandmother

What is the status of the relationship? 
NC with both

How is the current status working for you?
I'm certainly less stressed and anxious.  I am struggling with some guilt though. Currently seeking therapy.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
her inability to allow me (28yo) to make my own decisions without an out-lash if they go against what she approves of. Also her intense denial of the hurt that she's caused me while demanding a "loving, close mother/daughter relationship) 

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD Witch/Waif

What do you struggle with yourself?
What the future holds for my mother/grandmother, and I.  No signs of them changing or getting help. I'm less stressed when I'm not in contact with them so what does that say about me. How do I proceed?

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Get some validation and clarification of my feelings and needs. Seeing that it is OKAY to take care of myself over her. 

[Desperate Son]

What is the type of relationship? 
I am the only child (son) of a BPD mother.

What is the status of the relationship? 
Emotionally, non-existent.  Logistically, she is constantly interfering with my happiness and sense of peace through abusive behaviors such as verbal assaults as well as hate filled email and text messages.

How is the current status working for you?
It is not. I have tolerated her attacks in the past because I didn't know what else I could/should do and in some ways she conditioned me that I was somehow partly at fault. Her recent behavior has moved toward imaginary events for which I cannot rationally be held accountable. This pivot forced me and my family to seek out professional help to better understand what is happening. My therapist has diagnosed my mom as having BPD and likely narcissistic disorder.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Decades of abuse that continues well into my adulthood and is incredibly disruptive to my life and my family. I lose hours or days to fights.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother is a unique blend of waif and witch. She is wildly unstable and I fear her outbursts constantly.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I don't know what to do. She demands access to our child and we are resisting. Having recently discovered her diagnosis has dug up a series of terrible memories from my childhood that I was happy to have ignored.  I am sad, hurt, angry and full of despair.  The despair comes from the idea that this will not end until she passes on.  I could face this abuse for 20-30 more years.  I want to have her out of my life but I don't know how to do that and stick to it because it's such a definitive action to cut all ties with a parent.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
A need a community where I can get ideas and support.  I need to hear from others how you cope, how you stop the abuse. 

Thank you for listening.

[RavenWatcher]

What is the type of relationship? 
Parent - Mother

What is the status of the relationship? 
We talk sporadically, mostly when I have a reason/need to or holidays and birthdays.

How is the current status working for you?
Mostly okay. The rareness of calls gives me space to work on myself and heal from abuse/prepare for future interactions. There are other complicating factors at work though.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Right now, my mother is not in treatment, and is in a prolonged, entrenched abusive cycle with my father, who is the abuse victim. He is showing signs of wanting help, but getting through her to him is proving difficult and stressful for my brother and I.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed, but suspected based on feedback from several therapists my brother and I have had.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self-confidence, worthiness of love from others, feeling powerless to help those I love.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To try and find suggestions/ideas for how to help myself, and how to support both parents, as well as, what's the right word... comfort? validation?... in the knowledge I am not the only person who has been through things I've been through.

[Tsultan]

What is the type of relationship?
Mother, Sister, exHusband and ex boyfriend

What is the status of the relationship?  
mom deceased, sister and I have limited contact, divorced from husband and boyfriend are no longer together after 1 year's time.

How is the current status working for you?
Probably good that my mom is deceased with the recent revelation she most likely had BPD.  limited contact with sister is working good for me.  Relieved to be divorced from ex husband, still in the grieving process with my exbf.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Acceptance that this excruciatingly painful disorder has to hijack a good person inside and tear apart the relationship (ex boyfriend).

Healing from the emotional abuse from my mother.  Her silent treatments were painful.  I took them personally as a child growing up.  Now I have to learn that it wasn't personal but it is so deeply rooted in me.  It was her way of dealing with her emotions. She slammed cupboards all the time. I am afraid of angry people and it made me over responsible and set me up for people pleasing.  I am way better than I was but every now and then I will default to that type of behavior.

Ex Husband 24 year marriage.  There were silent treatment's and cold emotional withdrawl, criticism in a passive aggressive way, and he had multiple affairs. It's been 5 years since the divorce and I am still healing from the abuse.  Memories will come back.  New awarenesses take place in regards to his lying about the affairs as well as his criticism.

From my sister, it's more of you never know when she will take something personal and go over the top with her emotions.  This is why I have the limited contact. It's working well for me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
mother - undiagnosed low-functioning (disability claim), sister - diagnosed low-functioing (disability claim), ex-husband - undiagnosed highly functioning BPD traits at minimum, exbf Undiagnosed low-functioning (disability claim).

What do you struggle with yourself?
Healing the shame that goes along with being abused. self-esteem. confidence.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Continue to heal and offer my story and hopefully wisdom and hope like so many here can do with only just a few words.

Thank you.