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Author Topic: Just one thing... What would you say to your younger self?  (Read 956 times)
Harri
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« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2019, 09:17:35 PM »

Nickerdoodle, that just about broke my heart to read.  I bet she remembers that day as clearly as you do.  

freespirit, that was beautiful.  Thanks for sharing.  

WTL, I wish you had someone who could have told you all that back then.  I am pleased though that you have grown enough to be able to say it to yourself.  

Libra, you are worthy of being seen and heard.  I can see your beauty from here.  

Cat, what wise words to share with little you.  

HappyC, you just managed to make my eyes fill with tears and put a smile on my face at the same time.    

For me, i would say to my 10 year old self find the joy and love and hold on to it for darker days will be coming but you will get through them and it will be glorious.  
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WTL
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« Reply #31 on: January 21, 2019, 12:40:28 PM »

Just be quiet, WTL. Don’t let yourself be noticed.
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« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2019, 12:45:56 PM »

I’d wouldn’t say anything because I’d be playing hide and seek with WTL.
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« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2019, 12:53:09 PM »

Maybe we should be raking in the bucks as living art. Paint our bodies and sit outside of Starbucks. Not moving a muscle.   hide and seek sounds like more fun, though. How are you, HC?
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Libra
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« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2019, 04:15:49 AM »

Thank you Harri, for giving so freely. It is beautifull to see. 

To my 16 year old self: Never stop believing in yourself. Deep, deep down you know what's wrong and what's right. Trust your instincts and hold on to your values, no matter what. You can take the loneliness, you're used to it. It will pass... .

One advantage of having been forced to count only on myself for so long: I was very headstrong and not likely to give in to peer pressure. That helped me through some serious rough patches in my teens.

Libra.
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WTL
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« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2019, 04:54:16 AM »

Libra, I wish that I possessed your virtue of individuality when I was a teenager. I gave into a lot of peer pressure and it caused me a fair amount of grief. Now, I attribute it, as a guy, to not having a positive role model from my dad. I was drawn, and still am to what I perceived as strong males. The popular guys that had a mean streak. I’ve since trimmed the fat from my life, but I wasted a lot of time trying to seek approval. I invested myself in some highly narcissistic friendships. Narcissistic males can be down right awful. The closer you get to them, the more they show themselves.

I need to amend my statement. I’m still drawn to strong males, but they’re not toxic people. They’re strong in positive ways. Work ethic, values, confidence and bravery. They’re also kind and supportive. Somewhere along the way a paradigm shift took place. Reflection and a bit of regret tells me that I wish I could’ve had the will that you describe. It is what it is.

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WTL
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« Reply #36 on: January 22, 2019, 05:01:55 AM »

For me, i would say to my 10 year old self find the joy and love and hold on to it for darker days will be coming but you will get through them and it will be glorious.

You got through it. Now, you’re helping others “get through it”. What you’re doing and what you’ve committed yourself to is indeed glorious. Thank you.
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« Reply #37 on: January 22, 2019, 05:17:30 AM »

I'd tell my 5 year old self that it IS ok to cry when I get upset, and I'm not too sensitive, and I'm allowed to feel and express whatever comes to me despite the parent screaming at me to stop because I don't deserve to.
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WTL
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« Reply #38 on: January 22, 2019, 06:05:30 AM »

Hi, Dotner.  You’re right. Kids should be allowed to cry, and the tears should be validated to a reasonable extent, not disregarded. I relate to you. My dad used to be very disappointed in me when I would cry. I guess I wasn’t manning up enough for him. Without going into great detail, I eventually comforted him because he cried during my adolescence. It’s funny how things work out sometimes. Comforting an abuser. Who would’ve guessed.

We’re glad that you’re with us. Looking forward to interacting with you more.
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« Reply #39 on: January 22, 2019, 06:37:12 AM »

WTL, don't put me on a pedestal just yet … I was far from independant or strong! I managed to cling on to some boundaries that were never breached though.
Let me try to explain:
For the whole of my teens I was the doting, ever-faithful lap dog to my one and only 'best friend' ever. I suspect she may have been NPD, but even without the label: she was highly manipulative and completely self-centered. I was 20 before I realised this and managed to break away from her influence.
I was introduced to my 'safe place'  in my teens  thanks to this 'friend'. I used to work there every holiday and weekend, which got me away from my home situation. It may have been emotionally safe, but it was a very unhealthy environment: the guys (4 to 10 years our seniors), would ply us girls with gin and vodka, take us to clubs we were underaged for, and mainly try to bed as many of us as often as possible. I went along with the booze and the clubs. I never got drunk enough to not know what I was doing though (my dad is/was an alcoholic), and my mind and body were off limits. I was known as the ice queen, which suited me just fine.
My friend was the oposite... .she loved the attention, tried to wrap the guys around her little finger, and - in my opinion - got used like a rag doll along the way. At least I never got stalked at the school gate by 40-something guys for some bump and grind in the car before going home and doing my homework. 

Sorry, got a bit off topic here... .I just wanted to clarify my words to my 16 year old self a bit more.

I can be very harsh to myself about the things I've done in the past, but I cling to those few values I did manage to uphold: I didn't toy with peoples' feelings and trust, I never lied and manipulated, and I kept my self safe, no one could get to me or hurt me.

WTL, if you look deep within, I'm sure you'll find some values you also clinged to. The core you was always there, it was just pushed down too deep too long. That core shines through on these boards, and is highly valued and appreciated. It's time to dig it up and believe in it again!   

Libra.
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Harri
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« Reply #40 on: January 22, 2019, 12:29:01 PM »

Yep, I was right.  I can see your beauty all the way over here Libra.

Thank you all for sharing and being willing to be vulnerable with us here.  You all have given me insight into myself and a broader perspective of the potential we all have to learn and grow and heal. 

Can you all see the wonder and beauty that lies beneath the sorrow we have had?  I can.  Our strength, generosity,  kindness, love, wisdom... .
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« Reply #41 on: January 22, 2019, 12:48:54 PM »

I can see it. Grasping it for for good is difficult.
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Harri
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« Reply #42 on: January 22, 2019, 12:54:47 PM »

WTL   

I don't mean there is beauty in the abuse, because lets face it, it sucked.  Rather it is in us, the parts of our spirits that survived intact despite the odds, the ability to keep trying and wanting more for ourself.  Hell, just believing better is possible.  It is remarkable and beautiful.
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« Reply #43 on: January 22, 2019, 04:04:08 PM »

At 15 I would tell myself that I am perfect just as I am.

At 26 I would tell myself not to get married to prove things to other people.

Panda39
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« Reply #44 on: January 22, 2019, 05:33:59 PM »

Welcome back, Panda . I introduced S4 to my memory box today. I showed him pictures of his grandma and grandpa. He was most intrigued by a choker that my first dog had to wear. He was a Shepard mix. He was pure white and my mom told me that I could keep him because my dad had a thing for white German Shepherds. His name was Bear. He looked like a little Polar Bear when he was a puppy. I could say so much more about that pup, but you’re back and I don’t want to run you off.

I would tell myself that my parents were bluffing when they threatened to take him away from me.
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Harri
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« Reply #45 on: January 22, 2019, 06:28:34 PM »

Excerpt
I would tell myself that my parents were bluffing when they threatened to take him away from me.
That makes me sad to know they did that.   

Panda, you are always a perfectly perfect Panda... .too bad your mom could not see it.  Her loss.
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« Reply #46 on: January 22, 2019, 06:51:22 PM »

Yeah, they knew where to poke. It’s all good. They’re not around to do that anymore. You know, you give so much to this community. How are you, Harri? Truthfully.
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« Reply #47 on: January 22, 2019, 08:14:32 PM »

Libra, thank you for the kind words. I don’t really know how to respond. I just want you to know that your words mean a lot. Thank you.
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« Reply #48 on: January 23, 2019, 01:23:55 AM »

WTL, you are more than welcome.
I hope you'll allow the positive to trickle through to that core-you, so it can float upwards just that little bit more.

It is so good you have some things you can share with your son. I miss that with my kids. When they ask about my childhood, or even about my father, I still draw a blank.

Looking closer, I can see a white, fluffy dog alongside the silhouette of the lonesome wanderer. You are not alone, WTL!

Libra.
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Harri
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« Reply #49 on: February 05, 2019, 12:11:27 AM »

I would tell my 5 year old self that it is okay to enjoy the good times but know that they are not capable of handling the bad stuff and it has nothing to do with who you are Harri.  You are not to blame.
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« Reply #50 on: February 08, 2019, 12:34:00 PM »

I would tell her ‘you are good, you are smart’
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Harri
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« Reply #51 on: February 08, 2019, 02:52:29 PM »

Hi safe and calm.  I like your user name.    

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« Reply #52 on: February 09, 2019, 04:49:39 AM »

I would have told myself "share your fears and pain with your grandmother." I needed an outlet and didn't have one or think of finding one.
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« Reply #53 on: February 09, 2019, 11:19:07 AM »

Hi Harri, thanks. I chose safe and calm as a reminder that I am no longer the child who did not have or feel this and that I have the tools to feel safe and calm
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Harri
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« Reply #54 on: February 09, 2019, 12:09:52 PM »

That is powerful stuff there safe and calm.  I like how it is both centering and an aid to step forward.   

alphabeta, sometimes I think the hardest thing to deal with is the missed opportunities.   
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« Reply #55 on: February 09, 2019, 04:56:15 PM »

I would tell my 12 year old lonesome self:

I see you
I hear you
You are lovable
You are loved
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« Reply #56 on: February 12, 2019, 12:33:37 AM »

I would say to my younger self (at every age) "Ask more questions."
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« Reply #57 on: February 12, 2019, 07:55:59 PM »

I would hold my younger self in a hug and say, "I care. I love you so much."

My 5 to 7 year old self needed to hear that, especially when she heard her parents fighting and hurting each other downstairs and knew no one cared because no one knew.
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« Reply #58 on: February 12, 2019, 09:50:52 PM »

I would say to my younger self (at every age) "Ask more questions."

good advice at every age!
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« Reply #59 on: February 14, 2019, 08:39:21 AM »

I’d get Woolspinner a woolly straight jacket, so she could hug herself all day long. Or maybe just give her mine.

I would tell myself blood is irrelevant. Spend time with people that show you respect (i.e. everyone but your NPD and BPD). I’d also explain medium chill (i.e. its what you do before you drink the wine).
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