How I've Gotten Through the Last Few Rounds

[NGU]

Thought this was worth throwing out there.

The last few times my wife has started hammering me about bewildering things, I kept telling myself... .
"Let her keep going and you'll find out what's really bothering her."
That's in addition to... .
"Somehow wiggle your way out of this and let it go because she'll apologize sooner or later."
This second one really never worked on its own.

BACKGROUND
--My wife's getting her uterus out on Tuesday, since she's now up to about 20% of every month dealing with debilitating menstrual cramps.
--The anxiety flipped on like a switch the morning of Dec 27, just before her final pre-op appointment.
--Every morning, before she has tea and takes the dog out, is the danger time in our house. So if I'm home, I hide in the office.
--I know I'm in for trouble when she opens the door during this danger time. She knows why I hide, but when she's low, she doesn't care. Her brain is doing bad things to her and she's desperately trying to make it stop.
--Cue the B/W thinking/splitting and the projection. And twisting any old thing I've said and done to prove how awful I am and how awful I will be to her later.

THE CURRENT BLOWUP
There was a pattern to her complaints, so I had to quickly assume the core problem to get through the tirade.
--For some reason, the surgery made her feel bad that she never does laundry and is mentally incapable of cooking for herself.
--In an attempt to make her brain stop acting like a tornado, she decided that the reason she doesn't do laundry is because I dry rinsed-out rags on the dryer. She decided the reason she doesn't cook is because the walk-in pantry and refrigerator are a mess.

This bad episode lasted three days. Interestingly, she apologized each night she acted poorly. This is new. The anger toward me cooled down about a week ago. Currently, it's a more focused anxiety.

Edit: Forgot to mention. All I did to solve her issues was 1)Keep the dryer clear, 2) Clear out about 4 feet of shelving in the pantry and 3) Move some freezer items to the basement chest freezer. I didn't even have to do anything to the fridge since I had just cleaned it out last month.


TL;DR: There's always a core anxiety, and it's never what she's yelling at me about. Knowing this has been helpful to get through the surreal conflicts.

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[Kwamina]

Hi NGU,

Thanks for this update. That's quite a serious procedure your wife will be undergoing, I hope all goes well, realizing though that even then it's still quite significant to have your uterus taken out.

I can see how knowing this was coming, could be a trigger for her. You've dealt with her difficult behaviors for quite some time already, but it seems you've found new ways of coping with her and 'defusing' certain situations.

How is your wife doing now the day before the surgery?

TL;DR: There's always a core anxiety, and it's never what she's yelling at me about. Knowing this has been helpful to get through the surreal conflicts.

This is indeed a very important insight. Your wife's behavior stems from her distorted thinking and perception, and isn't a reflection of you and the reality of who you are and what you do at all. It's a reflection of her own inner turmoil which she is projecting onto you. It is sad that she has these struggles, but it's good that you are now better able to see what's really going on when she's acting out, this will hopefully help you take her behavior less personally.

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

How are you doing NGU?  How did your wife's surgery go?

[NGU]

Thanks for the replies.

I looked at the calendar and realized I just burned through an entire week since she got released from the hospital. The extra care, scattered throughout the day, seems to take a good amount of time when added up.

She's OK. Surgery went well, and there have been no complications. The pain has left her quite uncomfortable for a week, but there was only about a three-hour stretch where she got nasty.

I logged in because I needed to rant about two things.

Pain Management
I just got a lesson on how bad it has gotten in the U.S. for anyone with a legitimate need for pain medication. The "opiod crisis," as it's often called here, has ruined it for everyone. For example, in our state, there's a hard rule... .a 7-day supply and no more. And we had to find this out the hard way.

They sent her home with only three days worth. She had to call back in, and the refill was a different medication which didn't work near as well. During the third round, she had to call three times and they never called her back. The reason we knew they even got the messages was because we got a call from the pharmacy saying she had a prescription waiting.

Finally, my wife called the hospital and essentially said, "Hey, look... .my pain is outlasting the prescriptions... .if this isn't supposed to be happening, do I need to come in? Is there a problem with me?" Turns out whoever got the three messages lied and told her supervisors that they called my wife back. Instead of addressing that, the nurse asked my wife, "Is there anything else you might need the pills for?" And several other accusatory statements. One came after my wife asked if there was a post-op problem that she should come in for. The nurse said "They're not going to give you any more pills." Finally, the nurse tossed out the state rule as an aside. Oh, good to know.

I'm going to start a new thread about the other thing.

-NGU