Victimhood in pwBPD AND Nons

[AskingWhy]

I have allowed myself to be a victim of my uBPD H because I did not know what was going on until I was married and then several years into the marriage.

I was the proverbial boiled frog.  I did not see the "heat" slowly being raised until I was boiled, so to speak.  My own FOO was very dysfunctional.  Although my H's rages and enmeshed behaviour toward his adult children, and rage towards his own parents and X W was clear to me, I did not know what to make of it, like a person finding an artifact from a long-lost culture.

Like others, my H is a chameleon who showed me only the "colours" I wanted to see.  This is very common at the beginning of R/Ss with BPDs and NPDs.

Now that I am aware of the mechanisms of BPD, I am able to make informed decisions on myself and my responses to my H's episodes of dysregulation.  Where I once could be reduced to tears and begging my H to take me back after he told me he'd divorce me if I did not capitulate (or apologize for something I allegedly had done to offend him), I now take his rages in stride as mere manifestations of the madman that he is.

I know he has a dreadful FOO, worse than I ever had, and I know my FIL is most likely NPD, but I don't cut my H any slack for this.  All people are responsible for their own behaviour toward others.


 

[Red5]

AW writes... ."people are responsible for their own behavior toward others."

I've read this many times over the past two years... ."its not BPD that acts abusively, its the person who is BPD that acts abusively,"

Its taken a long time for me to even try to figure this out, is it done consciously, or not?

I've spent years running ahead, "clearing the path"... .trying to prevent the next dysregulation... .but I now understand, if the pw/BPD has it on their heart to be the victim, no matter how much mine clearing you do, they will find one, and then "off they go"... .off into the "victim zone".

Its very sad, and it breaks many hearts.

... .empathy turns to apathy after a while.

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Its taken a long time for me to even try to figure this out, is it done consciously, or not?

In many ways it doesn’t matter if it’s intentional or not, the pain that’s inflicted hurts either way. It’s our choice whether we allow it to feel like a pin prick or a flesh wound.

I've spent years running ahead, "clearing the path" ... .trying to prevent the next dysregulation ... .but I now understand, if the pw/BPD has it on their heart to be the victim, no matter how much mine clearing you do, they will find one, and then "off they go" ... .off into the "victim zone".

Yeah, the level of creativity of finding things to feel victimized by is really amazing. I’m now allowing my husband to make that a solo journey without offering my assistance.

That way it’s much less interesting for him to do that.