No contact/ Changing my narrative

[Sunshine78]

“You can’t go back and change the beginning; but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
I found this quote and I read it daily!  It has a lot of meaning to me, in how I want to live my life!  The decisions my husband and I make for our family aren’t based on the past but our road forward... .
A few months ago there was a phone altercation with my UBPD mother.  ( I just learned of BPD this past summer). Boy does this disorder fit her!  The phone conversation was to get me and my husband to change our mind in regards to joining them for a neighborhood Halloween party.  We declined the original invitation with a solid reason.  My husband was going to going out of town the following day for work.  I suffer from anxiety (my parents are a HUGE trigger for me, in the best of situations) but I was having anxiety about being a single parent for the week... .(3 girls the oldest just turned 4)
  I again told my mom we would not be joining them and gave her the reason of my husband being out of town and we wanted to spend a relaxing day at home.  From there she exploded
I’m responsible for her not having a relationship with her grandkids.
I’m selfish
I’m not giving her enough time with her grandkids
I don’t treat her fairly
The list was endless... .
This past year has been a rough one for me.  Pregnant with #3 with two young kids took a toll.  I had an emotional breakdown the fall of 2018.  We upped my Zoloft and my OB suggested I try to sleep!  A few days of getting rest and a higher dose I seemed more myself.  Had the baby, a baby that didn’t sleep for months!  Took another toll on me.
Started seeing a counselor
My anxiety was at an all time high! 
During the time this was going on we were trying to maintain a relationship with my parents, having them over for dinners and whenever we hosted a gathering.  Invited them to join us with other activities with our kids as well!  We have made solid efforts to include them in our lives!  A relationship with grandparents for our kids is important to us.  But it has taken a toll on me.  Trying to accommodate my mother and all her neediness... .
That call was a last straw for me!  I started writing a letter to try to get my parents to make some positive changes in our family. 
I talked about my history with depression and anxiety and my new diagnosis of ADHD.  I was being very open and honest.  My mother keeps telling me I’m bipolar and I have just found out she is telling other family members this as well.
So in this letter my husband and I (with the help of my therapist) asked my parents to work with us in making some needed changes in our lives.  We also stated several times that we love them, and our kids loved them and we want them in our lives! 
No more attacking
Better communication
Family/Individual therapy
We acknowledged that they may have things they wanted to improve as well, we asked for their input!  We tackled this as a family problem!  No blame, no pointing fingers!  We acknowledged that making hanged is hard and would take time, but felt that this would be better and healthier for all of us.
The initial response from them ( my mother) ignored everything in the letter.  She focused on my struggles and my rejection of her!  Her sadness that we were estranging ourselves.  We responded saying we were not looking to estrange ourselves.  We also included the list of things we were requesting.
  Next my dad responded asking for example of what was wrong with the current relationship.  I felt this was a big mistake!  I really am trying to move forward and not put too much on the past... .  But we gave examples, like the asked for.  Radio silence... . 
We saw them at my sisters, right before Christmas.  Acted totally like there was no problem!  All is good!  It made me feel crazy! 
A few days after Christmas my mom texts my husband asking to meet him and the girls for lunch.  He tells her we can’t, the girls are sick.  But suggested he meet up with her to talk!  She lost her mind!  She started attacking him in the text saying the damage we have done to her family is not fixable!  We have treated and made her feel as though she and my father are monsters!  The lash out was probably one of the most intense, maybe because it was in writing? 
Well it’s been about a week since that last interaction... .  I have sent a text once again asking that they please consider making some changes and they we want them in our lives.  Our daughters have tried calling to talk to them, both parents have declined the calls.
So this is where I come to my question... .  I feel as though we have tried to be very honest without making any accusations or attacks on anyone’s character.  We have asked for input and family changes, not directed at any single person.  At this stage of the game it is a family issue in my mind.
  So I feel as though no contact is what they want.  So am I supposed to write again to ask if this is what they want?  Do I appeal to them to change their mind?  Is there something that I should or could be doing?  The reason is, I’m filled with guilt!  I have put myself and my household first!  ( I don’t actually feel guilty about that). I feel guilty that I may have done this wrong, that I’ve caused pain, that I may have lost my family!  (A very disfunctional one)
I see my therapist next week... .  So there is that!  I’ve started reading walking on eggshells ( this book is amazing)
My husband bought me the book The Mom Factor( also seems really good)
I guess I just need to know what I should do... .  Do I reach out?  Do I walk away?
I’ll say this, my mom is wanting an apology for making her feel bad... .  that I will not do
I’m sorry this is so long!  Thank you for reading, and any helpful guidance you have to offer is really appreciated!

[alphabeta]

Hi Sunshine 78,

I can related with what your mother said:

I’m responsible for her not having a relationship with her grandkids.
I’m selfish
I’m not giving her enough time with her grandkids
I don’t treat her fairly

I also commend you for having written a letter to her.  My wife wrote a set of "rules" for the relationship with my mother, in which both sides would respect and validate the other.  Unfortunately, my mother constantly broke the rules.

  So I feel as though no contact is what they want.  So am I supposed to write again to ask if this is what they want?  Do I appeal to them to change their mind?  Is there something that I should or could be doing?  The reason is, I’m filled with guilt!  I have put myself and my household first!  ( I don’t actually feel guilty about that). I feel guilty that I may have done this wrong, that I’ve caused pain, that I may have lost my family! 

I am guessing that the don't want you to go NC; instead, they want to have more control over your life/relationship and/or more validation. 

You might want to try the validation route as a last ditch attempt to help you and your relationship with your parents.  If one or both of your parents are willing to go to therapy with you, you can work on this together.

I did this with my mother without any luck, because my mother would tend to dominate the sessions.  When the therapist wanted her to let me express myself, my mother stormed out (of multiple sessions), because she felt that the therapist and me were ganging up on her.

I hope your mother is less inflammatory than mine... .and good luck.

[Harri]

Hi Sunshine.

I agree with alphabeta that they do not necessarily want no contact but would rather not change the way things are.  You did your best with your letter and they could not see what you were trying to communicate and obviously took it as an attack.  People with BPD traits or even just sensitive people will not respond well to letters like you wrote.  If they can't see there is a problem without getting into denial and projection and splitting, the chances are quite high that the letters will fail.

At this point, I would hold off doing anything.  They are angry and upset, feel like they have been wronged and expect an apology from you which you refuse to give.  There is not much there to work with. 

You can't change them and you have not been able to get them to see your point of view.  Further attempts will only increase the conflict.
 How do you feel about just letting things sit for a while as you focus on learning communication tools and more about how you can change things at your end and possibly improve your situation, at least for you and your husband.  They may or may not benefit if.

Thoughts? 

[LeneLu]

Sunshine78,

I can completely sympathize with your current situation... .

You question the act of sending the letter (and maybe even regret it); In the moment, you wanted to take a step to move things forward, but couldn't anticipate it would make things worse (I did the same thing with a letter);  Looking back, you can't see another path to effect change (I think I still would have written a letter, but not included so much detail); And now, you have come this far, you don't want to go back to the way things were (which is why you can't  apologize). 

This is the process I have experienced. At this stage, I continue to stick to my no contact because it is the lesser of two evils.  I don't have the daily responsibility of validating and being the punching bag. 

I would follow Harri's wise advice and give it some time.  In the meantime, if you haven't already, check out the info on "extinction burst".  I think that is what is happening with your parents right now.  At a minimum, it may relief some of your guilt about the current reaction from them.

lenelou

[Sunshine78]

Thank you all for your thoughtful advice and suggestions.  I appreciate it so much!  It’s funny how even myself go back and forth on how I want to handle this... .  I so badly want to do the right thing and have a healthy relationship!  I’m putting in so much time and effort.  I really wanted to come across as a family effort to make changes and make it work better for everyone!  But I see how it could come off as looking like an attack.  It doesn’t seem fair that we have to cater to the BPD personality soo much... .  Well continue to work on our family unit and hopefully my parents will realize we want them to be in our lives

[Harri]

Hi sunshine!  I am glad it made sense to you

It doesn’t seem fair that we have to cater to the BPD personality soo much... .

I hear you.  I felt the same when when I first got here (and my parents were dead so why was I so frustrated?   )  Really though, the lessons and tools help us and ake our lives more stable.  They allow us to work on what we can work on (us) and can help a great deal in lessening the amount of stress, chaos and tension we feel. 

The tools are also important in the rest of the world as well.  Boundaries, as once removed says, are a life style thing.  The tools help in other relationships.  Not too long ago I had a roommate who I am pretty sure is BPD plus an alcoholic.  It was madness there for a while and I used a few of the tools... .and what a difference.  And that was after I had been here for a while!  Yes, I am slow to catch on sometimes.  But after that experience, I have really turned up my efforts to learn the tools and strategies.

Okay... .I feel like I just got done doing a commercial about how wonderful they are   but it is all true.

Anyway, keep working on this stuff and posting when it feels right for you.