Advice on S7’s behavior

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi all,

I’m hoping for some help from those of you with children affected by a BPD parent.

My D10 and S7 both exhibit anger and pouting when they don’t get the attention they want. I’ve always understood this was in reaction to my BPDw’s behaviors with them. Lawson’s book talks about children “withdrawing into angry sulking or becoming aggressive when not receiving attention.”

 D10 used to demonstrate this more at age 6-8 but she’s matured greatly and doesn’t have these reactions much anymore. However, in the last months my S7 has really worsened.

S7 has started hitting and kicking, cursing, and truly an uncontrollable defiance I’ve never seen in him. I try validating his feelings and approaching as best I can but I feel like I’m losing the battle here. I’m losing my wits and having to physically restrain him at times which I don’t find useful.

Anybody have good ideas on how I can help him? Healthy ways of enforcing boundaries here?

He doesn’t have a therapist but I’m hoping to get him into therapy soon as D10 is as well. I expect that will help.

Thanks in advance,
LAT

[worriedStepmom]

The only advice I have is to get them started with a therapist ASAP.

My daughter turned very aggressive when she was 5, when her father and I were divorcing (neither of us suffers from a personality disorder).  Nothing I tried worked... .but therapy did.  They helped her find the vocabulary to express her emotions and helped her to identify the feelings that meant a meltdown was coming.  She and I worked really hard to find what worked for her to work off that negative energy.  (Funnily enough, she ended up with the exact same stress coping mechanisms that I use - clean the house and listen to music loudly.)

My son is 9.  He started having aggressive tantrums this year.  Therapy didn't help much and nothing else I tried did either. I finally took him to a psychiatrist.  She diagnosed him with generalized anxiety disorder and put him on medication.  It is helping him immensely.

[Turkish]

D6, 7 in April,  has started being aggressive.  If I say,  "of you don't stop doing that,  I'm going to take away [toy]," to which she replies, "then I'm going to kill you!" Her mom told me today that she is saying this at her home (and kind of blaming me). D6 had any issue last night.  I kept asking her why she was angry and she responded non verbally (angry noises). She was in the hall in the dark and I picked her up to hug her.  That seemed to satisfy her,  but I couldn't help but think I was rewarding her behavior.

Her behavior is deliberate.  She doesn't lose emotional control like S8 (9 in 2 weeks) does sometimes, who has ASD1. It concerns me given puberty in 3-4 years... .I'm trying to think of an alternative way to approach this.  Sorry for lack of advice... .I wanted to join the thread to talk about it.