My child is most likely a narcissist

[FloridaMom25]

Hello, new here and just... .

How do you deal with the fact that your child has something seriously wrong with them. For the past 7 years she's been in therapy, trying to work through the abuse that she suffered at the hands of her bio father and nothing has helped. Absolutely nothing. If anything, she has gotten worse. She's a sweet little thing, but she's extremely manipulative, chronic liar, steals from us, zero empathy and her therapists are now to the point where they believe it's time to face the fact that she's most likely a narcissist. Can't get a diagnosis until she's 18 and now looking into BPD groups for her and looking into medication and there is absolutely no one that I can talk to about this.

It's pretty damn depressing. I'm not going to lie. You think your kid will get better, you keep moving forward, hoping for a miracle and then you find out there's no hope. None. They only thing she can look forward to now is more intensive therapy, meds, and mental health problems for the rest of her life.

I was raised by a severely sick and violent narcissist (surviving scapegoat here) and married a truly sick narcissist (divorced, no contact with kids) and now my daughter is heading down that path.

It's pretty much my worst nightmare come true.

That's it. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.   

You are in the right place to talk with others who have children who struggle so.   I am glad you found us and posted.  Reaching out for support is the best thing you can do for yourself.  We listen, validate and help each other try to problem solve by sharing our experiences and what we have learned along the way.

We have lots of articles I can refer you to but I think posting and reading other peoples threads may be the best place for you to start.  You will see that you are not alone in this and that you do have people you can talk about this with.

How can we best help you at this point?

[Only Human]

Hi FloridaMom25,

I join Harri in welcoming you to BPD Family.

I'm so sorry for what's brought you to us but I'm glad you're here. As Harri said, we help each other here, it's what we do. You are not alone.

~ OH

[Mirsa]

Hi Floridamom,

my DD17 is a narcissist and BPD and I've known for about a decade that she might be a narcissist.  The BPD part was more of a surprise.  But, she has never had a single friend longer than 4 months.  She goes through the narcissistic cycle with people over and over and over.  They always disappoint her; it's never her fault.  She's been doing this since she was THREE!  By age ten, I knew she had a problem.  Now she has boyfriends, and I just want to warn these poor boys in advance.  She goes to a large suburban HS and with 1600 students, and none will have anything to do with her anymore, so she is out of friend options there.  They are either not good enough for her, or they are smart enough to stay away from her.  Her reputation is awful with the students; some teachers are charmed however.  She now picks older, geeky boys as her boyfriends and she runs the show.  They are so happy to have a gorgeous, sexy girl like her giving them attention; but after about 4 months, they figure out that it's a scam, and they will never be able to jump through her hoops to be enough for her.

Anyway, she moved out to live with her father four months ago, when I refused to let her have a 21-yo new boyfriend in her bedroom, or go to his apartment.  Her dad allowed it (so that he could save $1500/month in child support) and she lives with him now, and has a full-on relationship with this young man in her bedroom there.  Unbelievable.

My relief at her absence is absolutely profound.  And, there is a lot of grief.  I am working on accepting that she is indeed BPD and a narcissist, and that she always will be.  I'm working through the grief cycle, and reading these forums is one of the supports I need right now.  The first step was accepting that this is truly, irrevokably who she is.  Now I am trying to figure out what type of relationship I can have with someone like this.  She will want my support as she cycles through relationship after relationship and hurts others in her wake:  family, siblings, me, boyfriends, coworkers... .  I'm not sure what role I'm comfortable with, but right now there is a lot of sadness accompanying the acceptance of her being a narcissist. 

Not sure if that helps, but hope you can give yourself some time to grieve.  She is not going to be the person you hoped she would be... .kind, loving, giving, or stable.  Luckily, I have another daughter who is all of these things.  She is a sweet, caring, joyful person.  She and I are both sad... .well, she is angry right now, but acknowledges there is sadness behind the anger.  We comfort and love one another and I'm so lucky to have her.   I hope that one day I can find more peace in my relationship with my older daughter; but for right now, I'm giving myself some time to sort through the grief.  Hugs to you.

[Momslove]

Wow, listen these post reminds me of my daughter as well. She snows her therapist for sometime and others. She brings them in as she is beautiful and plays the I am so abused card. This fake facade, until they do something she doesn’t like and watch out! That person is added to the list.
It took me years did get help and find myself after divorcing my x. He was much like her and emotionally abusive. He was an awful father and husband. I did so much therapy, read safe people, decided I wasn’t going to live with toxic people anymore. “My dd moves in with her neglectful father at 13 after little relationship... , her hate went from him to me. Working through the pain and betrayal was tough... .but I can spot toxicity quickly now. My daughter uses and abuses people. They say she is borderline, dependent personality disorder, adhd, persistent depressive, general anxiety. I think she is plain miserable because she has no friends. She is on a constant trail for new blood to suck like a vampire and disguardwhen she is done. Sounds bad, but I can’t live this with her day to say. It’s so so toxic

[Mirsa]

Hi Momslove,

Is your daughter still 13?  How long have you been disconnected from her?   Wait until she is older... .then it will be a whole series of boyfriends.   I'm feeling sad today, I admit.  I don't want to spend time with her, don't trust her... .I'm just sad about who she is as a person.