Just got back from therapy and dug a bit deeper into my childhood

[Jillery]

Just got back from therapy and dug a bit deeper into my childhood.  It was tough and emotional, but cathartic.  My T assured me that with work, I will not only be able to better recognize disordered people, I will attract someone who can love with respect, empathy, care and maturity.  I am excited to embark on this journey and glad that there is actually something proactive I can do.  For those members who are on the fence about therapy, I can honestly say that I would still be in a constant puddle of tears and confusion without mine.  My personal opinion is that therapy isn’t just helpful, it’s vital.  

[Beneck]

I envy you!

Seriously, I really wanna go to therapy as well! I really feel like it's going to help me in a multitude of ways, and your post makes me quite optimistic in that regard!

Anything that stood out in regards to the experience?

[Jillery]

Absolutely do it, Beneck!  What have you got to lose by giving it a try?

Since my friends and family were all fooled by the ex (and listened to me go on about how great he was), they initially felt I should hang on and that he would come around.  That he was a great guy who was just going through a depression.  I was so enmeshed that I couldn’t see clearly.  

My new T gave me some much needed tough love.  I read her texts from him that I thought were sad/sweet and she said “That text is bullsh*t.  I’m sorry but sometimes you need to call a spade a spade.  That text is crap and very manipulative.”  As I described the r/s, she pointed out more manipulations.  This tough love brought me out of the FOG.  

After the FOG started to lift, she explained how my abandonment fears from my childhood allowed me to become a NON long term.  Way deep, deep down I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t allow myself to see or even admit that.  She slapped me into reality in one session.  It was brutal, but I felt worlds better by the next day.

These are some of the ways therapy has helped.

[once removed]

After the FOG started to lift, she explained how my abandonment fears from my childhood allowed me to become a NON long term. 

i think these are important steps to take, Jillery. as the clouds lift, id encourage you to explore some more of this, your work with your therapist, the direction you want to take your healing, relationships, and life, with us on the Learning board.

[Jillery]

Thank you, once removed.  I think I am almost ready to move to the Learning board.  And very thankful to you all who helped get me there. 

[Mindfried]

Very happy for you Jillery. The challenge many times is finding a good therapist. I went for a bit and all she did was listen and told me the healing process will take time. I wish she could have told me something I already did not know. She did tell me she thought my exUDBPD had major unresolved issues and that is how I found this forum and was able to clearly see all the similarities in her bahavior. Best of health and recovery the rest of the way.

[Jillery]

The challenge many times is finding a good therapist.

Agreed on this one.  I have had many therapists in the past who just seem to nod and don't do much else.  Not helpful.  The last thing someone in crisis wants to do is to have to shop around for therapists, but the payoff is worth it when you find a good one. 

[Harri]

Hi Jillery!

This tough love brought me out of the FOG.

    My last therapist sounds like yours.  (I am on a bit of a break right now)  I needed to hear things straight and that is how she gave it to me but of course offered support and compassion along with it.  Like you, I was too much caught up in FOG, mostly from childhood issues, to figure things out on my own. 

 

[Lucky Jim]

Great work, Jillery.  A worthwhile inquiry, in my view, is why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place?  Hint: Usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  It sounds like you are already digging into the answer to this question!

LJ

[Jillery]

A worthwhile inquiry, in my view, is why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place?

Thank you, Lucky Jim.  Yes, working on that question now with my T.  

I needed to hear things straight and that is how she gave it to me but of course offered support and compassion along with it.

Yes, Harri - a mix of tough love and compassion is the key.  So very thankful that I was referred to her and in fact was able to snatch the very last opening she had!

[I Am Redeemed]

J,

So good that you found a therapist who is not afraid to help you out of the fog and do the dirty work of digging through the past.

I am on a similar journey with my domestic violence therapist. She doesn't just read off information that can be found in articles on websites (such as that many abuse victims feel guilty for leaving the relationship because the abuser is experiencing emotional pain due to the breakup). She takes it further (let's explore where that guilt comes from.) And I was able to uncover that in my childhood, the tension and conflict in my home led me to feel that I needed to make everyone happy instead of adding to the conflict, and that began my belief that other people's feelings and emotional well-being were my responsibility.

It has been so empowering to find the roots of the belief system that kept me stuck in the fog in an abusive relationship. I am starting to find the real answer to the questions many people ask: why did you put up with that? Why did you not leave sooner and stay gone? Why do you even care about him at all?

I always felt that I had inadequate answers, until I started the trauma focused therapy. It's been pulling me through an otherwise very confusing time.

Congratulations on your progress, maybe I will make my way to the Learning board too one day.

Redeemed

[Jillery]

Redeemed, thank you so much for your thoughts.  My T and I are starting to get to the roots too.  I am finally realizing and admitting that my lack of healthy intimate relationships has nothing to do with the fact that I’m overweight (and have been for most of my life).  Being overweight is the result of those roots. I am so ready to get to the bottom of this.

With regard to FOO, I have a suspicion my mother has narcissistic tendencies.  She had an alcoholic mother and a father who ignored and enabled.  My mother has battled alcoholism most of her life.  Never a “stumbling drunk” but addicted nonetheless.  She has been in therapy on and off for many years so yesterday I decided to ask her for some details about it.  I sent her a gentle email that I was trying to get to the bottom of my issues and would she share her diagnoses, past and present.  I know she is and has been on various medications.  She said she was glad I was doing this work for myself and said she would get back to me.  Here’s what she wrote. And please keep in mind that if she is in fact NPD, she is VERY good at faking empathy, hiding things etc.

"I don’t know about diagnoses, but I can give you some history.  In 8th grade I had a severe breakdown. Missed a lot of school. It had to do with the only way I could feel good about myself was to be excellent in school – and I went overboard. Have never known quite how I worked myself out of the depression.You probably remember the winters I was so afraid of driving. My therapist thought it was because I couldn’t control what happened. There were the many years I self-medicated with drinking. My worries got the best of my life and I couldn’t find any peace without drinking. I needed myself to be different.  I could always say “no matter what happens today, I can get drunk tonight”. I was seeing a therapist and lied about how much I drank.  I had a bad time when B [her bf] started living in the south each winter. My life had been B and drinking. As you know, the drunken fall in my driveway 3 years ago, broken ribs, head injury, rehab and nursing home changed everything. Slowly I began to build a life, groups, senior center, mentoring. I began to ENJOY my life. Now I can take pleasure in so many little things. I hope this helps."

I thanked her for the info and asked if she could ask her therapist about diagnoses. She agreed.  She seems very fuzzy about this.  How could you not know your diagnoses?  Also her bf is in a r/s in the south and openly goes back and forth between the two women, even though neither woman is ok with it. Yeah, he’s a real class act.  

Curious about your thoughts on this, friends.