She said she really wants to marry me but that's not her soul journey

[merkaba1]

Hello,

Its been a while since I've posted on here and as I had a rough wake up this morning I figured it would be a good time to get on and release some of whats been going on.

Before Christmas, we were close to a NC point, and it seemed as though we were certainly broken up.  She had packed up her belongings and left our house without notice early November.  She had come back to Michigan from Florida to see family over Christmas.  Due to her being intoxicated most of her time in Florida she made the wrong return flight and tickets were rather expensive so she stayed longer than planned.  The back and forth I'll see you and then I can't see you would happen every day or two.  So I just said to myself, whatever happens, will happen.  I had been doing a lot of praying for whatever the highest good to come about.  Finally, after about the fourth time of saying she'd see me and can't, I got a message asking to pick her up from her Dad's house.  I agreed.  The minute I stepped into the house everything went right back to where we left; happy, loving, etc.  We made love within a few hours of seeing each other which was amazing.  Things were pretty normal and great.  On our way back to our home from her Dad's she asked if I had any pot in the house, I replied saying no (which was the truth) and then she followed with asking if there was paraphernalia which I said there was (again, truth).  I put it in a box in the basement.  Part of me was holding onto it because I didn't know if she truly was going to be back in my life.  The other part of me really wanted to have thrown it out and move on from marijuana for good.  Needless to say, it spaced from my mind when we got home; I blame the bliss of love. Four days went by and everything was great until she found the pipe I didn't throw away.  My total mistake; that should have been the first thing I did; having that stuff around her is dangerous for her and I know this, but I didn't.  I felt really bad about it.  I have been clean for some 18 days now and feel great about it.  She was extremely upset and it blew up into a typical type of fight.  A day or so went by and we reconciled and moved passed it.  I was truthful and still am that I desire a sober life.  Addictions are difficult.  I know the stats with BPD are hard to be accurate, but according to some of what I have read, some 80% of pwBPD suffer from co-occurring disorders; many of whom use drugs and alcohol, my partner is one of them.

Things were great for the next four or five days until she was cleaning and found an empty mason jar in the cabinet in the garage.  This I was unaware was even there.  Of course, this blew up into another huge fight which she got over fairly quickly as I truly didn't mean to have any of that there and I believe she could see this.  I also feel as though the fight was caused by something deeper than that.  After things were 'fixed' and back to normal, I was at work and she drank.  Now, some two or three weeks later she doesn't even know what caused it, blames the environment of Michigan and Lansing as why. Outside of my need to type out this story as some kind of therapy, how many of you are with someone that is very sensitive to their environment, and how do you tackle that?  Since I have known her, she is always trying to get to the better more appealing place.  And once she gets there, it's not enough and she isn't satisfied.  There always seems to be something else wrong with where ever she runs to.

So here is the bigger dilemma.  We sat down in a serious way and spoke about what we were doing.  She had expressed the desire to marry me.  We had been engaged since March and in November had broken it off when she bailed taking our dog and running to Florida.  I love her with my everything and this was exciting.  I also recognized this is risky so I wanted to make sure she was sure.  She assured me she really wanted to. So we went and looked for rings.  We found one for each of us that we really liked, but both being impulsive wanted to sleep on it.  The next day she threw up some kind of wall and got upset about this and that.  It turned into an intense fight as this was a big left turn to handle (that was the day she drank-it was only a glass of wine but I'm sure that had an influence on her behavior).  After we calmed down and talked about where this was all coming from it stemmed as she said because of a fear of commitment.  How many of you have dealt with this kind of issue?  How did you handle it?

So after things calmed down I said I still want to marry you and she said the same.  So I said, let's go get those rings and she agreed. After we got back, we lit candles, sat on the couch, embraced one another, and for the first time, we prayed to god out loud together and made commitments-followed by a beautiful soul bonding lovemaking session.  Sorry if that's too much detail for this board, I'm sure many of you have deeply passionate intimacy with your partners too.  Two days later I dropped her off at the airport.  She was going back to Flordia to get ready for the trip I was sending her on to Costa Rica for her yoga certification.  

She had been expressing that she wanted me to visit before she left so she sent me flight information.  Tickets were pretty cheap so that night we spoke and I agreed to come.  It worked out that I had off this upcoming weekend and could fly down.  Crappy thing was by the time I tried to make the reservation, prices nearly doubled.  I tried calling but it was 1:30am.  I figured I should just get the tickets because she'd be upset if I waited that long and so on.  Especially with her past, I figured that was the best choice even though this week would be fairly tight money wise.  The next day I told her how much it cost and she said it was too much.  She wanted to cancel and save money for our future.  I can't deny this but at the end of the day, saving a few hundred or seeing the love of my life is a pretty easy choice.  She said she'd take care of it.  She canceled the flight but the flight down was within a week and I couldn't get a cash refund.  This was rather upsetting as it wasn't my choice, but it was too late to undo the cancelation.  A day went by and she decided that I could come.  I was told I could apply the credit from the first flight to the new one.  We were on the phone the whole time looking at flights and times.  I booked the flight while on the phone with her, but I made a mistake and didn't apply it and paid for the ticket again. So I told her I needed to call customer service and have them apply it, which they were able to.  As the operator was applying the credit I got a text saying don't book anything please.  *The other shoe dropping?  She said she needed to think about it as seeing me makes it harder as she is attracted to me and wants me etc.  I'm like uhhh what the heck?

On the 5th, I realized I forgot to sign up for my benefits with my new job.  I went into a panic state and still am slightly, as I really need the insurance.  I told her about it and she got really upset.  She felt as though I was avoiding my personal health and so on.  I truly forgot and spaced out the deadline.  This triggered her pretty big and caused her to withdraw pretty quickly.  The next day it was back to I can't do this and so on.  So, the last two days have been a roller coaster.

So my timeframe is a little off and I apologize for the length of this.  I just need some help and support.

Today was rough.  The wake up I got on my way to work was ___; getting yelled at, called a damn fool and so on.  Finally, I hung up and ignored the texts.  She quickly apologized saying I deserve love not what she was giving me and she wanted to restart the day.  After a long day at work, we spoke.  She claimed that she thinks she figured out what was going on.  She felt as though our karmic and dharmic paths were leading us in different directions.  She said she really wants to marry me and commit herself to me, but that's not her soul journey.  How can I even argue this?  I understand that God (and let me say to anyone out there that doesn't believe, I'm okay with that and no judgments either way we are here to support one another-this is just our belief) leads us in a direction with us involved.  So if this is something she wants deeply, what is the deal?  

We had a long conversation this evening, at first, it was pretty rough; my blood sugars were pretty high which causes me to be easily irritated, have a short fuse, and act in a manner I normally wouldn't act in.  After the blow up on the way home, I told her that my blood sugars were too high to speak and I need to get better before we can talk again.  So an hour later, I called back.  Only a short argument things got better.  I was able to calmly express my feelings.  But at the end of the day, if she doesn't believe marriage is in her soul path, I'm not here to try and convince her otherwise.  At this point, all I can really do is be supportive and loving.  

So we turned the conversation around and it got much better; she still didn't want me to come to Florida to see her and wanted me to cancel the flight.  I had told her originally that I wanted to come down, she could see me or not it was up to her.  I said that if she didn't want to be with me and wanted me out of her life that was fine, just give me back the ring and I'll leave you alone and you don't have to see me again.  This set her off again.  She didn't like this idea.  Wants her space etc and the state is hers.  This did make me laugh.  

Anyway, we turned it around by the end of the conversation, I feel much better.  I just have to trust that everything will work out as intended, and while she is away I need to focus on myself and improving my own life.  I want to be the best husband, father, partner, and friend I can be.  I called the airline after we got off the phone, but apparently, I was a few minutes past the 24 hour booking period so I either stay here and am out of the money, or I go.  If I go, I could not tell her and just enjoy my time, I could tell her and see if she comes, or I could stay here.  Opinions?  Obviously, I would love to go and have her show up.  If she didn't I'm sure I could find something to do for a day or two.  Seeing her was the priority, but getting out of this grey sky cold environment for a few days seemed like it would really help. I do want to respect her and don't want to push her over the line.

I'm sure I could keep going on this forever and again if you have made it this far, thank you for reading.  Any input or even a hello would be greatly appreciated.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

I just have to trust that everything will work out as intended, and while she is away I need to focus on myself and improving my own life.  I want to be the best husband, father, partner, and friend I can be. 

whats your next step?

[merkaba1]

Next step... .
I'm not entirely sure.  I know you've responded to a few of my threads so you may remember some of my stories.  I suppose the most important thing right now for me, is to remain sober.  I can't allow myself to go back to old ways.  I will admit for some reason its more difficult without her in my life, but I know I have to do this for myself first and foremost if I ever want to be the man I know I am able to be.  So that is the first step. 

Other than that, I'm not really quite sure.  I need to get away from other distractions like binge-watching Netflix, and focus on my more true desires: spending quality time with my puppies, yoga, meditation, journaling, eating better, exercise, reading, taking care of my plants, and seeking out higher knowledge.

What are your thoughts on the travel plans coming up this Friday?  At this point, I am out of the money for the flight there regardless if I go or not.  I wouldn't mind getting to a sunny warm climate for a few days.  Just not sure if that would cross a boundary too far.  But whos to say I actually have to tell her?

Should I ask for the ring back?  I was told I could get a full refund if returned by the end of February.  The yoga training in Costa Rica will be done mid-February, but I'm not sure if she plans on coming back any time soon.  She will come back eventually either way because our dog (or hers at this point) is with her parents in Florida. 


Side note, I met with a friend this evening to have tea/coffee.  I bumped into him at a church I started going to and knew him from meetings.  As we got to talking he shared a story about a guy he dated who had BPD and shared a horror story.  This is the second person in a few weeks I have bumped into that has been involved with a pwBPD.  This was a very relieving encounter.  I truly wish there were support groups for us.  What are the chances there are meetings around, or telemeetings?

Anyway, some guidance on the trip would be very helpful as well as the whole ring situation.  She was pretty upset when I brought up the idea of getting it back.  I brought up the idea that I was coming to Florida, and that if she wanted to see me she could, if not that's okay too, and that if it was to be the last time I'd see her, we could at least say goodbye, and that if that was the case, I'd want the ring back and she wouldn't have to see me again.  After being told how much of a fool I am and all this other crappy stuff, am I really to blame for saying such things?  Why does this cause so much anger in her?  She seems like she wants to keep the ring.  I asked her what it really means to her if we aren't getting married or in a relationship.  She didn't really know what to say, she did mention off the cuff that it keeps other men away and helps her feel safe.  Obviously, this seems like some BS.  If a woman wants a ring to simply fend off men from hitting on her, go get a cheap ring at a pawn shop or a vending machine.  I told her I'm not trying to take everything of myself away from her (emotionally, materially, etc.) and that she will always have my heart and soul.  Thoughts?

Thanks, everyone.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Merkaba1

I'm wondering if maybe the ring is a "transitional object" for her? People with BPD have poor object constancy and find it hard to emotionally believe that their loved ones still exist and still love them when they're not present. An object that is strongly associated with the loved one can really help them with this.

The ring will obviously have very significant memories, symbolism, and associations for you both - whatever happens next, it is probably important to her to hold on to the emotional knowledge that this all happened and the feelings and connection between you were real. Taking back the ring might feel to her like taking back the past (and perhaps the present and/or future too). If you can afford to do so, I would let her keep it. It probably means a great deal to her.