UNdiagnosed BPD

[Emlilli]

First post. After years of thinking that it wasnt a case of a ‘simple’ abusive relationship (irony intended) i fell upon BPD. He is french, i’m english. We live in France. I go home when i can. We have a 7 year old boy. Why i think its BPD:
My partners dad left the family without a word for 5 years then came back.
Pretty much every time i go away to the UK my partner has a crisis and abuses me the whole time i am away. But he doesnt come with me. And i dont want him to. Partly because the few times he did his jealousy caused a lot of problems.
He is an alcoholic and smokes weed.
He has angry unjustifiable outbursts, intense reactions to minor things.
Its always my fault. His weight gain, alcoholism, early infidelity or any other problem.
No empathy when i am ill.
I am not allowed to ‘tell him what to do’ (ie play with his son, give him a bath) i am virtually the sole caregiver.
I am “nothing” i do “nothing”
I am “selfish”
And many other abusive phrases.
He is insanely jealous. Yet he is the one who has strayed.
He provokes me when he is drunk and last spring i became physically violent towards him, more than him towards me. I have never been like that. But i have no more patience. I just wanted him to stop.
After that episode i took our son and stayed away for 1 night. I had never done that before. He freaked out, destroyed our bedroom, drank didnt sleep. Then slept for 3 days and stopped drinking. We had 6 miraculous months of calm, very few episodes, he still drank a bit but not as much and cut out certain alcohols.
Til i went home for christmas. His mum had just died and i told him i will stay with him if thats what he needs . Of course he said no, its fine, go home. I should have known. I feel bad for not staying, and of course he flipped out.
At times he is delightful, remorsful, loving, fragile and funny and i am the most precious thing to him. Then i become the enemy.
There are things i dont tell my family and friends but everyone is aware its not good.
I dont seem to be able to leave. I want to but i dont want to.
I am tired. I lack self esteem, yet i know i am worth more than the person he seems to take me for.
His son doesnt understand why he wont play with him. There is a lot of love between him but he is so selfish, this weekend he watched the tv whilst i went out with our son. Its often like that.
And the list goes on.
I feel like he can’t hear me. I feel like he is an alien. I dont understand how he can say such terrible things, how he can’t self reflect. How sometimes he is ‘normal’ how he can cry and love so deeply yet be so cruel.
Seems like BPD to me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Emlilli and

you sound exhausted. im glad you reached out, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here. experts will tell you that a strong support system is critical.

it also sounds like these conflicts didnt form over night, and they will take a lot of work to get things on a healthier trajectory.

how long have the two of you been together? when was the last incident of violence, either from you or from him?

[Emlilli]

i write hiding in bed from an outburst. We have been together 10 years. Last physical violence was in May, last psychological violence was last week.
He just stormed out because i asked him at least send me a text to say when he will be home. I never know. Then it escalated very quickly, i am alone a lot and feel isolated. I tried to talk to him about that , and also the fact he does nothing with our son. But i imagine because i am feeling very frustrated i didnt tackle it well. But it never goes well. We cant talk without fighting and so we dont talk. Then we fume. Then he shouts and drinks. And it goes on.
He would never consider the idea of being Borderline, or anything else for that matter.
I have tried so hard. I have very little left and its so sad.

[once removed]

do you know where he went?

[Emlilli]

Yes to our workshop. We are involved in the world of performance and puppetry. He always goes there. Thats fine by me. I dont anticipate anymore tonight. Sometimes when he comes back drunk and ranting i hide under the covers with ear buds. mostly to stop myself raring up as he comes in and out of the bedroom repeating the same abusive stuff. Those are the worst for me as i am trapped. I cant leave because our boy is asleep and i wont leave him here.
But tonight should be ok.
He’ll calm down then we will not speak for 4 days. “Sigh”

[once removed]

He’ll calm down then we will not speak for 4 days. “Sigh”

our relationships can get caught up in patterns and cycles. as the emotional leaders, it often falls on us to break those cycles, and ideally, our partners follow our lead.

rather than not speak for four days, why not try something new?

[Emlilli]

I have to dig deep to find something new. Partly because i probably wont see him, and when he comes back he will be in front of the tv. We dont fight anymore or rarely in front  of our little ‘un so we end up saying nothing. Then it all gets swept under the scrappy worn out carpet by the back door.

On a tangent i started to read the site guidelines, i got some things to learn about how this subject is discussed... .also my post was moved as i think i posted another section... .

The truth is i dont know how much any of this effort is worth it, but i dont seem to be able to get out. But no one knows why i stay. And i dont know how damaged i am by it as it has been so long. Actually... .how can i not be damaged. I would have to be a stone not to be affected.

[once removed]

also my post was moved as i think i posted another section... .

you posted on the Son or Daughter board (for parents of a child with BPD). this is the relationships board.

we end up saying nothing. Then it all gets swept under the scrappy worn out carpet by the back door.

i suspect if you met him when he gets home, and say something like "hey, i kind of threw a lot at you at once, im sorry about that." then propose something fun the two of you can do/like doing together, it would be disarming, and certainly couldnt hurt. once the ice thaws a bit, you can maybe revisit one of the issues in a day or two, when things have calmed down.

what do you think?

[Emlilli]

I Tried to imagine what that activity could be, but the truth is we are so deep in the water that we can bearly stay in the same room together. Tonight he probably wont come home til i have gone to bed. The struggles are really deep and my ship is sinking right now... .
I really appreciate your cyber ear. This week i have to look after my mental health. I am going to try to eat with friends and kids so me and my boy arent always alone. My family are in the UK so inaccessible to me.
He slept on the sofa and this morning he screamed at me saying the usual things so i left, without jumping into the fire. Everything is my fault, etc etc.

[once removed]

i think if you want to repair your relationship, someone is going to have to be vulnerable, and communicate... .stopping the bleeding is the first step.

are you up for that?

[Emlilli]

I am trying. But my own exhaustion and fragility send me off in the wrong direction. He came back late (night before last) and refused to speak to me in the morning. I decided to take our son to see him at work after school for 20 mins. I put on some lipstick, trying to make an effort (but lipstick is out of character, i was also bored of winter grey and lack of colour).
Seeing him was ok but we didnt stay long.

He came home drunk and late again and stormed into the bedroom asking me why was i wearing lipstick, who had i been to see. And why had i come to the workshop, was it to spy on him he asked. I tried to stay calm, but he kept on pushing. Our sons room is right next door so i had to get up and go down to the garage so he didnt wake up. It escalated. More old stuff about my ex boyfriend which comes up again and again. Regarding one phone call i had to make as my ex had left me with a debt that wasnt mine to pay. I tried to explain for the umpteenth time but he wont listen. It got physical, he pushed me i pushed him. I tried to get away from him but he followed me and kept on shouting at me. I went back to the garage, he followed me. I told him he needs to see someone, he told me its me with the problem, that i need to see someone. I said yes, i do, thats true now. I went to the bedroom and put ear plugs in. He slept downstairs.
He is in pain i know. But if he drinks how am i supposed to help. I tell him time and time again but he tells me to stop “giving him lessons” 
15 minutes ago i tried to put my arms around him but he yelled at me. He tells me he had a mother that taught him about life and that i have no right to tell him what to do (i asked him to spend some time with our son)
Now he has stormed out asking me to get out of ‘his’ house. We rent it together.
I am lost
... .

[Emlilli]

I just sent him an text saying i am sorry i pushed you, i am sorry you are in pain.
I just started reading “stop walking on eggshells”
Very revealing.

[once removed]

there are two important tools for conflict that you will need both in order to avoid conflict escalating, and to take a break when it does.

the first is learning to not JADE. have you heard/read about it?

the second is learning to calmly and without blame take a break/step away when things have broken down and are getting worse.

[Emlilli]

Jade... .no i haven’t. I’ll do some research.
Escalation , and control of, is complicated by his alcoholism, difficult to avoid it because he becomes aggressive and negative very quickly. But i could do better too if i was better equiped. We very rarely drink together because of that danger, and anyway i dont much like it anymore... .
I very often take a step away but he follows me unless i hide.

[once removed]

JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.

I tried to explain for the umpteenth time but he wont listen.

the long and short of it is that JADEing can fuel a circular argument, or escalate conflict. sometimes it even validates the invalid; defending ourselves against accusations that arent true just makes us look guilty.

It got physical, he pushed me i pushed him. I tried to get away from him but he followed me and kept on shouting at me. I went back to the garage, he followed me. I told him he needs to see someone, he told me its me with the problem, that i need to see someone

in terms of taking a healthy time out, and not escalating, it can be dangerous to respond by being physical when he gets physical. as you say, sometimes when we try to take a time out, our partners will follow us around, shouting, banging things, etc. ideally, things dont get to that point, you take the time out as soon as you realize that the discussion is not constructive and only getting worse, and you express yourself calmly and clearly (dont just walk out), and without blame (dont say things like "ill talk to you when you calm down"), that you need to think about what your partner is saying, and youll be back to discuss it in x amount of time. this is complicated by his drinking, things can go from 0-60 a lot faster.