Trying to detach with love...then I get angry

[Jillery]

Fatal mistake -- I looked at his FB just now and there is already a new girl liking all of his pics.  Makes me so angry that I have fantasies of hitting him where it hurts verbally.  Telling him to his face that he is a pathological conman coward and wanting to warn the new girl.  Listing all of the lies he thought he got away with and all the red flags like a verbal machine gun so that he will spontaneously combust.  I want to tell him that I knew all along and ignored it.  That if he wants to pull this off in the future, he'd better learn to clean up his social media.  I want to tell him that my family, who he seemed to so admire, hates him now.  (I remember how touched he was that my father hugged him goodbye the last time we got together.)  All of our eyes are opened now and I want to tell him that he should get some help before he continues on his campaign of heart break.  When I first met him, I was stalking his FB and noticed many different girls liked various pics, but none of them were still his FB friends.  One of the many red flags I ignored.   Feeling nauseous that the man I thought I would eventually marry, now has me feeling the need to get STD tests.  4 months into our relationship I had one as part of a checkup and all was good.  But now, ugh.  I don't even want to think about it, but of course can't help it, that there were probably many, many women while we were together.  So so gross. 

I am trying hard to remember that I am here, doing the tough work on myself, not dating, reading, learning, therapy etc.  This turmoil leaves me feeling like an open wound, but I know this is where the hard work gets done.  He uses women like bandaids on his wounds, jumping from one to the next so he doesn't have to feel anything. 

I feel the need to get this anger out somehow.  Any suggestions?  Wishing I had a punching bag handy. 

[once removed]

oh, sure.

the "injustice of it all" plagued me for a long time. i didnt have revenge fantasies as such, but i wanted to confront her, i wanted her to know what i knew, and for a while, i wanted to see her fail.

I feel the need to get this anger out somehow.    

im a fan of writing it and venting it! a punching bag (you can use your pillow), exercise, all of those things can help too. i wrote in an uncensored fashion. i wrote (privately) things id be ashamed of anyone ever reading. i dont regret it; it was where i was at the time, and i knew that, and the exercise was a release. what really helped work through the anger though, was putting it into creative writing.

anger is a stage of grief. susan anderson also describes it as a stage of abandonment, where we "rail against our rejector" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360)

often times, there is a lot of hurt behind our anger. probing that, and working through it i think, go along way toward processing it and being able to let it go.

[Jillery]

Thank you, once removed.  And thank you for the link.  Yes, I think a pillow will work just fine.  Good point that what lies beneath the anger is the crux of the problem.  Thank you for reminding me of that.  I think a private, uncensored letter is worth trying.  I hadn't thought about the uncensored part, but letting it all go and being as nasty as I want to be, might really be helpful.  I haven't had much anger during this process, mostly sadness, and never even said an unkind word to him.  In fact, the last sentence I texted him was "I love you." 

I had already deleted him from social media a few weeks ago, but just now blocked him completely so I won't be tempted to look.    The song "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair" keeps playing in my head.  Apologies if I am dating myself   

[Cromwell]

do any anger management trick you can, exercise worked best for me.

but what id advise is dont make the mistake to feel sending any angry messages, yep it will give a temporary catharsis but thats it. What it does do also, is give him ammunition that you were the bad person and he can also use it as leverage in a new r/s with a story like "yea I was in a r/s but she was abusive to me throughout, shes crazy and wouldnt let me go, I was so stressed I told her I needed a break, but all she did was harass me, here have a look at these latest texts".

Remember, he has been dishonest, and thats the sort of thing to expect.

This might sound obtuse but, its great you are angry, I didnt get to express or feel it for years, but it was there buried away, this is healthy to release and express it and as Once Removed said, part of a known healing process. Your on your way Jillery its all good signs.

[Jillery]

Thank you, Cromwell.  You're so right - no need to give him any ammunition or give any of my control up. 

With regard to exercise, I've been walking 2 miles in the dark, cold by myself every morning and for someone who hates exercise, I am really enjoying it.  The cold, fresh air feels so good and clears my head a bit.  Sometimes I even hear the Rocky theme song playing.  (What's with my boxing theme on this post? 

[Cromwell]

 Jillery. You know it can be hard for us to process and release this sort of tension, I sometimes envy when babies in supermarkets start to wail and think "when was the last time I got the chance to do the same".

Good for you to take control and go for a walk, I have done the same and it really is stuff to congratulate and feel proud about. It is simple to do, yet, the results are hard to ignore. Youve just lowered your blood pressure, got space to reflect and channel out the negativity and its healthy and beneficial. Its something extra to the "lets start being good to me" pile, rather than to give another ounce of our life supply to be wasted on nothing. He didnt win one over you Jillery even it can feel like it. Considering how much he tried to pull the wool over your eyes, the fact is, he didnt manage to and you figured him out in the end. Now he has to discard as a way of psychologically "winning", before you would had got there first. Now hes got to start all over again, with the same rotten strategy. What is there to feel angry about? You dont have to live that way, pity him for having to. People dont behave that way and all of a sudden change just because they have a new partner.

we dont have to live our life that way, and how mentally draining it must be to do so. As your therapist pointed out - its experience that you can put to good use for the future.

Of course I would have preferred a more simpler r/s, I wanted an easy going carefree g/f. Of course I didnt want to go through that hurt and have to be forced to learn about this stuff. But I cant deny after I started to - its been educational to say the least and I had only been lucky previously not to have got that experience earlier. Percentage based, these types of personalities and the assorted problems are not rare but you will i hope find a renewed sense of confidence in spotting problems before they can even start.

You wont always feel this way Jillery but you have every right to feel angry. Its just happened recently, it is fresh and it is painful. When you try to look at the big picture, the long term, they have lost, they havent won. They get, a little dopamine hit with every deceit that seems they got away with - but thats just it, nothing more nothing less. Thats what my ex got with the cheating on me, at the expense of losing me permanently.

Your situation how it ended brings to mind the sort of employee who says "you cant fire me, Im resigning first". If you can detach emotionally and see it for what it is - ego - and how fragile it is for them to play(cheat) that way, see it for what it is; petty.

A lot of the emotion I had to process was the shock of it having revealed to me - against my wishes - just how sad all of it was for a woman I had been made to initially feel so highly about. The anger was partially rooted in disillusionment, and perhaps a bit of anxiety that my sense of character judgement had been so inaccurate. We need good judgement as a survival mechanism and when it seems to fail it can cause a lot of primitive rooted emotional responses to force us to take urgent notice. It doesnt help when at the same time we battle with conflicted feelings of still maybe wanting that person back and perhaps loving them.

so there is a lot to sort out to quash these ruminations, for me it had to get to a stage of making clear cut, non negotiable decisions, such as NC and meaning it. Anything less certain and I had to continue to battle with the conflict of thoughts. It took ages for me renavigate out of circles and plot a course that moves forward in life but once I found it everything got better and easier.

Do you like painting? Id give that a try, theres lots of therapy out there, Im not a fan of displacing the anger into physical stuff but it would be interesting to think of what id paint if the anger could be channelled on to canvas. hmm. Thanks Jillery and I look forward to your next interactive journal entry  Your doing great.

[Jillery]

Cromwell, your thoughtful, kind words brought happy tears to my eyes.  Thank you so much for sharing all of that.  And for reminding me that no, he did NOT win.  And I did NOT lose!  And for telling me I'm doing great.  That is so nice to hear. 

When I explained to my therapist how stupid I felt for falling for his lies, she was very kind to me and asked me to be kind to myself.  She said it is our human nature to want to believe the good in people and want to fix past childhood wrongs with a new partner.  There is nothing intellectual about this at all.  It is all emotional work that no one teaches us, and that we seem to only stumble upon during a crisis.  So yes, there is a silver lining to this.  We will come out stronger, wiser, smarter and more emotionally well than most people just drifting through life.  We will end up in healthy relationships and look back on this period as painful, but as a turning point.  The impetus that forced us to make some monumental changes, when the easy way out is to hide from the world and/or jump into another relationship. 

I do love to paint but haven't in many, many years.  I like that idea a lot.  And my pillows will probably appreciate it too 

Thank you again, Cromwell.  You are an angel among us.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey Jillery, you're doing great in expressing how you feel and going through this process. I certainly have been going through a very similar situation, and believe me, when I first saw he was with someone else all of the sudden, I wanted to scream my lungs out at the wrongdoing. After a lot of reflection, I'm truly seeing what happened as what I knew all along, what I always sensed as something being off. That means he was always that guy and he will be that same guy with this new person. The only difference was that I overlooked a lot, probably for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with him. For me as well, journaling and writing out the worst feelings about it that no one else will see is very key to grieving and processing this.

It has all just enlightened me, that we can do so much with the information we learned, maybe help others who go through it or find someone 10x better. I'm realizing how important self-care is after all of this.

Cromwell makes a great point that, people don't change for the next person. Instead of focusing on self growth, many people who jump into relationships or onto another person, carry along the exact issues that had in the previous relationship and hoping that the new person will solve them or accept it. When you really think about it, what does it say about a person's self esteem who is willing to just go for the next person they see. If they really valued themselves and realize relationships are investments in themselves as well, they'd slow it down and carefully choose a partner, instead of winging it and seeing what sticks to relieve their own insecurities.

The more we journal, write, exercise, and focus on ourselves during this recovery period, we're building our strong selves and I think it will get better. We're self-reflecting and improving ourselves, while they are cycling through and through with people with the same results. We're learning and aiming for better results.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jillery, Underneath angry feelings are usually hurt feelings, which is why I find it apt that you describe yourself as feeling like an open wound.  It's great that you are acknowledging your emotions as they arise, which is healthy.  The next step is to process them, which you are doing by seeing a T and/or walking with the Rocky Theme in your head.  Did you mention painting?  Nurturing your creative side can also be tremendously helpful.

LuckyJim

[Jillery]

"When you really think about it, what does it say about a person's self esteem who is willing to just go for the next person they see. If they really valued themselves and realize relationships are investments in themselves as well, they'd slow it down and carefully choose a partner, instead of winging it and seeing what sticks to relieve their own insecurities."

Thank you so much for this, Yellowpearl.  I needed to see it spelled out this way and it truly helps a lot.

And thank you, Lucky Jim.  Interesting point about processing emotions.  That's where I have trouble.  Recognizing and describing emotions is not so terribly hard, at least now while calm and reflective.  In talking with a close friend yesterday, she said she had "worked through" some of her childhood issues and I asked her, how exactly she did that.  She said, "processing grief, sitting with my feelings, prayer, meditation, solitude.  Not fun."  Intellectually I understand what she means.  Doing this myself, I am a bit lost.  I am confident my T will help me with this but a week between appointments seems like eternity!
 Coming here has truly been my saving grace.  I spend hours reading old posts and each time I do, I learn something new, whether about myself or the ex.  So very grateful for all of you.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Jillery,  You're welcome!  It starts with allowing your feelings to surface, rather than submerging or repressing them.  You seem to be doing this pretty well already, so the next step is to process your emotions.  How to process?  That's up to you, but here are some possibilities: meet with a close friend or trusted family member to discuss; write about your emotions in a journal; practice mindfulness meditation; take a walk outdoors, perhaps in the woods or on a beach; continue meeting with your T; share your thoughts and questions here, with the BPD Family community; do something creative; pursue activities that you really enjoy; treat yourself with care and compassion, etc.  You get the idea!

Agree, there is much to learn here, which is why I keep posting long after parting ways with my BPDxW.

LJ