My family isn't playing the game and H is hitting the ceiling

[Ozzie101]

People who've read my posts know my family is a major trigger for my uBPDh.

Another trigger is feeling "out of the loop."

When those two collide, whoo boy.

Before I knew about BPD but after H had started the dysregulation dance, he griped about how he's not included on group texts and emails regarding family get-togethers. I explained why that is. I have four sisters. Three of them are either married or have a live-in boyfriend and two have multiple kids. That's a LOT of people. So, to keep things manageable, when something comes up, my mom contacts her daughters, who then check with their SOs and kids and then get back to her. We basically act as representatives for our branches of the tree. It's always worked well and as far as I know, my BILs and the boyfriend have never had a problem with it.

H has a problem with it. Even though the other guys aren't included either and even though I forward emails or copy texts to him to check with him, he feels out of the loop and uninformed. I agreed to approach my mom about it and she agreed to include him.

Well, that all happened about 3 months ago and there hasn't been any reason for a group message like that since. She has, however, texted him to check how things are going, etc., in an effort to help him feel more included.

Yesterday, a gathering email was sent around because an aunt is coming to town and my mother wants to get as many people as possible together. She didn't include H. I'm sure it was either force of habit or she forgot. Or maybe she just thinks it's silly and doesn't want to do it (knowing her, though, I doubt that since she's pretty accommodating).

H is now very annoyed. He was complaining about the choice of restaurant ("Their food sucks! Why would they want to go there? I wouldn't eat anything there."), the time for the gathering (later to accommodate a niece with a gymnastics lesson), the fact that she only offered one day as a possibility (because it's the only non-school night when my dad and aunt -- his sister -- will both be available). I'm sure, though, that the real problem was that she didn't include him in the email.

I'm not sure what to do. My mother is an adult. I'm not going to try to control her and dictate what she does and how she does things. That wouldn't work very well. And, frankly, I'm tired of running around trying to smooth every hill and defuse every trigger for him. I can't control my family and how they choose to do things. Since I've grown up with them, I know them pretty well. I know how they operate and why they do what they do. And I know that his assessments (They hate me because I'm divorced. They look down on me because I'm not a doctor. They're snooty. They have no guts.) are wrong-headed and unfair.

I feel stuck and have no idea how to get unstuck.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

"... .And, frankly, I'm tired of running around trying to smooth every hill and defuse every trigger for him. "

I am not a therapist, but I do not like having to "dance" around people.  To me, and it's only my opinion here, the above is where your actual position is, and when/if you deviate from it, you are unhappy.  It sounds to me like you should be honest with H and tell them what you told us, which is the above. 
I have an aunt who I would describe as a fixer, but my opinion of her is she doesn't fix anything, isn't honest with anyone about how she really feels and in the end, nothing ever gets really fixed.  I have grown to resent that to me she isn't fixing, but instead is gossiping, throwing her spin (view) around while she explains to everyone in our family who is mad at who for what and giving her interpretation of what this person or that person really meant (not how it sounded) when they said "x" thing.  I have taken to small talk only with my aunt, which would shock everyone, because she is "so sweet" and is "the peacemaker"... .but I say, is she really?  Seems she needs to speak for herself and let everyone else do the same and stop trying to make sure all of us are ok... .because we really arent and she has nothing to do with it. 
I am NOT AT ALL implying that you are like my aunt... .not at all... .What I am saying is that when it comes to families, imo, each person should speak for themselves and not need to fix others or interpret what others do or dont do to one another.  To me, knowing how bad my aunt has upset me, seeing her try to fix things, you might end up like her... .creating more problems than you solve... .if you try to fix h and explain "mom."... .Tell H to call mom if he has a problem with her and as to his unhappiness about literally everything about the plans... .tell h you can't fix that for him, either... .and so he will have to decide whether to participate or not.
I am an "honesty is the best policy" with people kind of person.  ... .and I don't want to have to carry everyone elses emotions on my shoulders... .
just my thoughts, Ozzie101.

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, LoveOnTheRocks. That is good advice. Recently, I've started looking back and I have been able to see that my attempts to manage and fix things haven't worked and, if anything, have only made things worse. If this comes up again, I do plan to tell H that if he has a problem, he needs to have that discussion with my mom. I can't play middle man anymore. It's not working for anyone.

H has put me in the position of "fixer" here. "They're your family. You're supposed to deal with them for me." "They're your problem. What they do is your fault." And since I'm a natural fixer, I've felt obligated to jump in. (Also, I've felt an obligation to protect them from him when he's dysregulating.) But I am coming to see that while my intentions are good, the results are not.

[Fian]

My wife plays the go between for her family and me.  I find it helpful, and I know that she edits what I tell her to be more diplomatic.  There are times where the 2 sides are at odds, and it can be stressful.  I know you can only do so much, but I would encourage you to not be too quick to give up that role either.  Things can get a lot worse between your husband and your family, and you don't want to get to a point where the 2 sides are totally estranged from each other.

[Ozzie101]

Yeah, that's my fear. That he will cross a line and start an all-out war, with me in the middle. It's a tricky line to walk, knowing when to take care of things and when to step back.

I don't want to be put in the position of having to choose. Yet there's a part of me that sees that as almost inevitable.

[Ozzie101]

Part of the problem comes because I won't say what he wants me to say -- or at least I won't say it how he wants me to say it.

For instance, last night when he was upset about the family dinner, he suggested that maybe we should do something just the two of us with my aunt. I won't be able to have a good conversation with her at a big get-together. I agreed that that was a great idea. He started pressuring me whether I wanted to do the family dinner, do lunch with my aunt, or do both. The conversation was heated and fast and circular and I couldn't get my head on straight so I told him I wasn't sure. I'd need to think about it. (That really annoyed him, by the way. He said multiple times, "You're making me really angry right now.")

Anyway, I said if we decided not to go Friday night, I could just say that we couldn't make it. He got mad at me for wanting to lie. He said I should say the truth: "We just saw everyone else and don't feel any need to see them again so soon. We hate the restaurant you chose. So, we're going to do our own thing and see Aunt on our own."

Well, I wasn't going to say that. I'd rather tell a white lie than say something like that. He accused me of "being a pu$$y" and refusing to take "his side" on things.

[Vincenta]

Hi Ozziy,

sorry to hear about the conflicts there.  

What I have noticed with my pwBPD of 5 years - he sometimes gets very angry when our opinions are not like 100% in sync (which of course is impossible - even with a less opinionated person as I am .
It seems to me sometimes that he sees me as a kind of part of him, thus my own opinions feel very threating and/or triggering for him. I sometimes get a feeling that any kind of opinion that differs from him, is a threat. Naturally then it means that no nice debate is ever possible with him (kiss goodbye for heated debates French style... .unfortunately).
.
Do you see any similarities here... .?

[Ozzie101]

Hi Vincenta!

Oh, I absolutely see similarities. It's not just with me. He gets frustrated when anyone doesn't do or see things his way. But it's especially true in my case and as far as I know, I'm the only one who triggers a meltdown over it. He expects the world to go the way he thinks it should and if it doesn't, watch out. He openly admits he tends to be this way.

As to our opinions, here's an example:
In the most recent election, there was a ballot measure involving casinos. We'd had a very brief, casual discussion about it where we'd both said we weren't sure how we felt. I ended up voting no. He voted yes. On election night, somehow it came up and when he found out how I'd voted, he went ballistic. Suddenly I was the "morality police" who was a judgmental person (I don't have a problem with gambling, I just didn't like the measure). That I'd voted against him and looked down on him because he likes to gamble (he doesn't have a problem -- he goes to the nearby horse track once a month during the season). It was an hours-long "discussion" with him berating me non-stop for voting "against" him.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Ozzie101:  Hours long... .and berating... .boy, does that bring back memories of when I was with my ndxex... .my child's father.  He used to back me into corners and scream at me... .I digress... .didn't actually post to write about that, but those words are "triggers" for me.  I am many, many years removed from that, but it was damaging and hurtful to me.

Speaking of the votes.  The first time Obama ran for office, I didn't care to see him become President.  I live in a very conservative state that I believe, since elections ran, has always elected the republican, and this particular election year, I expected the same, so that year, I didn't plan to vote.  Along about 6pm, my brother came strolling into my house, announced he had just voted, and that he voted for Obama.  I stood up, grabbed my purse, and went to vote, to offset my brother's vote.
We still laugh about that to this day.  ... .and it IS funny.
I love my brother, and very jokingly told him I thought he'd been drinking the Obama Koolaid. 
Please keep in mind, we never took any of this to heart.  We always laugh about these things.  It's fun and funny... .because LOVE is primary... .between us.  I know we all do things like this, but why do we treat people we say we LOVE like this?  I can't harp on H, because I have been guilty, too... .but I wish we all would more purposefully think on the things we do and don't do.  smh... .in sadness at how we all can be sometimes.

[Ozzie101]

That's how I feel. Love is primary. I'm far more liberal than my parents. They know it. I know it. Doesn't matter. But we're not pwBPD. To the BPD mind, it's a different ballgame.

H got very upset last night over his biological parents (he texts with them multiple times a day and calls about once a week). His bio father goes out of town once a week for business -- usually different days. The original plan for this week was for him to leave Wednesday and be back Thursday. So, H planned to call them Thursday night. Well, last night, his mom mentioned off-handedly in a text that his dad had changed his plans to leave and get back a day later. H flew off the handle at me. "Why don't people tell me these things? See? This just proves to me that they don't care!"

Of course, it wasn't really about their plans. His M&D had no idea he planned to call. They live in another state. Why (to a rational mind) would they feel the need to fill him in on what was a quick, regular overnight trip that as far as they knew, didn't impact him in the least? To H, though, it was more than that. It showed him that he's low-priority to them. Their relationship is still being developed and while it's all been super-positive so far, I know he's still very insecure and has a lot of complex feelings about it.

Anyway, he jumped straight from that to verbally attacking me for how I was handling a family get-together for Friday night (we're not going). His assessment was, I thought, fair even if his approach was out-of-bounds, so I stayed calm and normal and agreed with him. Thanked him for giving me a fresh perspective and said how helpful that was. He never really lost control and his anger cooled.

When he was calming down, he half-jokingly complained that things would be easier if everyone could just read his mind. "But that's not realistic, is it?" I said that, no, it's not. Sometimes people will get it right. Sometimes they won't. Doesn't mean they don't care. That kind of depressed him -- not the first time that's come up.

He called them last night. He was a little depressed after. He goes up and down about his family. Sometimes he's very happy. Other times, he feels like maybe it would have been better for him not to have found them at all. I encouraged him to talk about it but he didn't want to. Pointed out I can't fully understand since I haven't been in his position and he's not really certain how he feels or what he thinks so he can't explain it. Instead, we watched TV and I made a conscious effort to be more affectionate and sit close to him. Evening ended on a calm, relatively positive note.

[Radcliff]

In some situations, my partner would try to get me to fight her battles with other people.  It never went well.  I ended up looking foolish and alienating people.

There is a role for validating feelings.  It sounds like you can do that.  But you can also do "partial validation" where you validate feelings but don't support an unreasonable position.  He is talking about your relationship with your family.  It sounds like boundaries are clouded.  He's a participant in some of these things, and his feelings should be considered, along with the many other stakeholders.  In other situations it seems like he's trying to have an influence well out of proportion to what is appropriate.  The key here is for you to develop confidence in who owns what and how much input he should have in certain situations.  Then, from a position of confidence and compassion, you can chart your course.  In some situations, you might accept his influence.  In others, you might recognize that he's asserting himself well beyond reasonable boundaries and validate his feelings while not bending to unreasonable demands.  Does this make sense?  Can you describe a place or two where you think he's clearly overstepping and you'd like to be able to deal with it more effectively?

RC

[Ozzie101]

This hasn't come up in a while but it was never really resolved so I believe they could come up again:

1) He hates one of my sisters. Part of that is from a head-butting incident on family vacation a couple of summers ago. Part of it is because of how my sister treated me when we were teens (she had an eating disorder and I was her primary verbal punching bag -- actually, she treated me a lot like he does when he's dysregulating -- and I told him about that early in our marriage). All that is way in the past and I don't give it much thought anymore. We're not super-close, but we get along fine and are there for each other when we're needed. He has, on more than one occasion, tried to pressure me to call my parents and blast her, telling them what an awful person I think she is. I refused.

2) He felt like my parents weren't being supportive enough or considerate enough of our (his) needs and wants. Felt like my dad (a doctor) wasn't helping enough with some medical issues. That they were looking down on H for being divorced. That they cared about my sisters more than me. He wanted me to call them up, cuss them out and cut off contact for a few months. Again, I refused.

3) For several years, I've had a tradition of taking my nephew and nieces out for their birthday to let them get a treat (ice cream, a cupcake) and pick out their gift. It's special one-on-one time for us. My sisters haven't reciprocated with my stepson or really done anything for his birthday. I called them out on it and they apologized -- said they didn't really know what we wanted their relationship with him to be like. They hardly ever see him (once or twice a year) and barely know him and didn't even know when his birthday was. I get where they're coming from. I also get where my husband is coming from. I think both sides are right and both are wrong. H wants me to stop the birthday tradition with the kids. I've told him I don't feel right about that since it's punishing kids who haven't done anything wrong -- and punishing me, too, in a way. But for him, it's about sending a message and standing up for SS. Says if I keep doing it, it hurts SS. He's said if I end up doing it, he'll be angry. It's a difficult situation where I get both sides and just don't know what the right thing is but I feel like his demanding things and turning a long-standing, loving tradition into a battleground (with kids as casualties) is over the line.

When he has a problem with family gatherings, I am and have been willing to work with him, though always pointing out, "I can make suggestions but they don't have to take them. I have no control over that." But I'm not going to blow up at people or verbally attack them -- especially not when I feel like they haven't actually done anything wrong.

Like I said, he hasn't tried to get me to do those lately so maybe the message got across. Doesn't mean he accepts my position, though. Just that he knows pressuring me won't work.

[Radcliff]

That's a good thing if you've been consistent enough about boundaries that he is no longer pressuring you.  Effectively maintaining a boundary is a first, difficult step.  Figuring out how to nurture the relationship even with the boundary is also something to focus on.  #1 and #2 sound like appropriate boundaries.  While maintaining them, can you think of ways that you could have (or maybe did) use partial validation to soften the impact on him?

For #3, gifts need to be genuine.  Reciprocity is nice, but not required.  I can understand his feelings, and you could validate them (validate that he's concerned about his son's feelings, not that your sisters are jerks).  But just because your sisters have a different style, or different feelings, or are uncertain about the relationship, doesn't mean it has to hold back the wonderful thing that you're doing for their kids.  What you have with their kids is great.  Let it continue as long as it feels good for both you and them.  It sounds like a wonderful tradition.  W.r.t. your step son, the most you can do is give them a gentle invitation, perhaps a few weeks before his birthday you could say he might like to go out with them (if in fact he does; you should check with him first).  You can't really "call them out" on not doing something nice.  Does that make sense?

RC

[Ozzie101]

I definitely understand his feelings and I have told him so. I've assured him that I care about SS's feelings, too. (It's not about the gifts themselves. SS is an only child and an only grandchild on his mother's side. He's a good kid in many ways but also the most entitled, spoiled kid I've ever known. H will tell you this himself so that's not a problem between us.)

And, no, I don't think he'd have any interest in going out one-on-one with them. He barely knows them. Taking part in cousin activities, now, he would be fine with. But there aren't many of those he could qualify for. The only other boy is almost 14 and has a very busy schedule. SS is 8. They're not going to do much hanging out. And the other kids around his age are all girls so joining in on their sleepovers is a no-go. After I asked about it, one sister did invite him to come trick-or-treating with her kids. We had to say no since he was with his mom.

I guess I really didn't "call them out." More like asked them if there was a reason. Everything was friendly, calm and reasonable.

He's told me point-blank, though, that:
1) If I continue the tradition, he'll see that as my choosing my family over him and SS and will prove to him that I don't care about them after all.

2) If I didn't blast them for it (which I didn't), then it's completely ineffective and is, again, a sign that I don't really care. They deserve to be cussed out and cut off.

3) If my sisters did do something for SS this year (b-day was last week), he would know that I had tipped them off and then he would be angry with me. They would only have done it because they'd been "called out."

So, no one can win, really. I want to continue the tradition but I'm afraid to tell him. If I do it without telling him and he finds out, he'll go through the roof. I've told my sisters I do plan to continue but to be patient. They're very understanding about it. Told me not to worry.

But at a family get-together last month, one of my younger nieces ran up to me, all smiles, and eagerly asked when we would get to do her birthday treat. Broke my heart. I assured her it would be soon. H didn't hear. Told me, though, that if any kids did ask, I should tell them "Ask your mom. She'll tell you why we're not doing it." I told him I wouldn't do that.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for all that detail.  Honestly, I think you're doing a fantastic job.  On #1 and #2, what he's saying is "garbage" but it reflects the feelings he has.  You are holding the line and doing what's right, but also being sensitive to his feelings.  It would be nicer if he'd just agree with you, but we know that won't happen.  You're getting the best possible result on these two issues.  Many members struggle to get to the point that you're at.  You are doing good work.  

On #3, it sounds like you're just going to have to roll with it.  We understand all the reasons why it doesn't make sense for your sisters to take SS8 out.  He may not.  You could try S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) to get the message to him.  Or you could validate his concern for his stepson, and perhaps redirect.

I would encourage you to keep the date with your nephew and niece, and be honest with your partner.  Continue doing the right thing.  Your bond with them is joyful and healthy.  Acting out of fear of what our partner will do is one of the ways we start to lose ourselves, and the other relationships that are important to us.  If you were to set a date to see them, how do you think you might be open with him about it in a way that results in the least conflict possible?

RC

[Ozzie101]

Thank you for the encouragement! It means a lot to have that from time to time and to hear I may actually be doing something right in the midst of the emotional chaos.

As to how to approach the gift thing, honestly, I have no idea. I'll have to give that some thought.

Part of the problem is money. H makes about 5x what I do and he's been bringing that up a lot the last couple of months. The way he sees it, any money that's spent in our family is basically money he earned. So, to him, if I were to take the kids out, it would be me spending his money for something he doesn't agree with (which is something he has pointed out when it's come up). I do have a job but with joint bank accounts, it's kind of hard to separate.

The other problem is he has told me more than once that he would consider it a personal betrayal.

This came up at Christmas, too, when he insisted that if we spent $25 per niece and nephew, then, for instance, my sister with 4 kids should have to buy SS a $100 gift. He said that anything else would be unfair to his son. I fought back (and won) on that one.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hey Ozzie:
I love the way this thread reads... .lots of good points and discussions, and from those, other ideas/opinions... .it's been great to read this conversation between all... .input is incredible!

Please, Ozzie, dont stop the birthday tradition with those kids... .they will carry that into their adulthood where something good will come out of it for kids in our future.  Perhaps if you do this with SS, and call it YOUR TRADITION that YOU DO with the super kids in your life, and that doesn't require other people to do it, because it may not be "their thing" and this is just a YOU THING, H will be able to see and accept it for that?  Hoping so.

Just wanted to say this, because having been a kid, there were times when adults who weren't my parents really gave me special attention and their kindness never left me, put a kernel of warmth in my heart that, once I became an adult, I fed from, and as a result, was good to kids that weren't mine... .It really is a good thing and a big thing... .and Kudos for you for loving them like that!... .dont give anyone so much power that they can control your adult decisions towards kids... .because you gotta be your own person, too... .

just my thoughts again, hope it's ok for me to share with you!
LoTR

[Radcliff]

Part of the problem is money. H makes about 5x what I do and he's been bringing that up a lot the last couple of months. The way he sees it, any money that's spent in our family is basically money he earned. So, to him, if I were to take the kids out, it would be me spending his money for something he doesn't agree with (which is something he has pointed out when it's come up). I do have a job but with joint bank accounts, it's kind of hard to separate.

Money is a red herring.  It's not about the money.  If he brings up this argument again, any thoughts on how to respond?

The other problem is he has told me more than once that he would consider it a personal betrayal.

I heard this exact argument in my relationship as well.  Do you think his position is reasonable?

This came up at Christmas, too, when he insisted that if we spent $25 per niece and nephew, then, for instance, my sister with 4 kids should have to buy SS a $100 gift. He said that anything else would be unfair to his son. I fought back (and won) on that one.

How did you go about that?  How did he respond?

RC

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, LoveOnTheRocks! That encouragement is very helpful. I agree that it's so important to build relationships with kids -- for them and for me. Those kids have always meant the world to me. I was there when they were born -- something H has called "pathetic." I suspect he feels threatened by somehow. Maybe a sign I'm more attached to them than to SS. Our relationships are just different.

I offered to take SS out for his day too, early on in the relationship. H said no, he got enough special attention and stuff. I brought it up again when this issue arose and he said that wasn't the point. It was about my sisters doing nothing.

As for your questions, RC:

1) I'm not sure how to respond on the money issue other than to say something like I'm using my Christmas money. I'm sure it's a red herring and just a part of the excuse.

2) in a way I do. I know how strongly he feels and, knowing that, to go against him would be hurtful. But at the same time, I don't want innocent kids and my relationship with them to be the casualties. And I don't think I should have to destroy or damage relationships that mean a lot to me, just as I would NEVER expect that from him.

3) I just stood firm and told him "no." When he kept insisting, I asked "Do you think the kids are a unit?" He tried to bring up another point or change the subject and I kept repeating my question. Finally, he answered "no." I asked, "Then why is it ok to treat them that way?" No answer for that.
When he brought up that it was unfair to SS, I asked how, if he gets a gift the same value as every other kid? Again, no answer. I pointed out it may be considered unfair to us to have to spend more on their kids en masse than they spend on ours, but that's life in a family. Fair doesn't always matter.
He just kind of gave up but I knew he wasn't really happy.

[Fian]

Some thoughts on your story.

1.  He can't define the meaning of your actions.  You spend time with your extended family, because you enjoy it and it is meaningful to you and to them.  It is appropriate for him to tell you that you can't spend time with them.

2.  You are married.  It doesn't matter who earns more; his money is yours.  If you did traditional wedding vows, he publicly stated that he was entrusting you with his money.  If he has any doubts, the courts will be on your side.

[Ozzie101]

Thinking about it, I realize he thinks he can read my mind -- and gets very frustrated when other people can't read his. Thing is, he can't read mine. Sometimes, yes, he's eerily on-target but other times? Not at all.

That's how I see the money thing, too. It's ours. Kind of like I told him with family. He told me that his first wife eventually agreed with him -- that they should spend the same amount on each side of the family regardless of the number of people (her side was bigger -- so less $$ per person). I told him I didn't look at it that way and never would. I just see it as family. You spend this amount on parents. This amount on kids, etc. Doesn't matter which side those people are on.

The money is ours. I know he doesn't really see it that way, though -- at least not when he's in one of his moods.

My DV counselor told me that I need to be sure I get the access code for our online banking. I don't have it since he's always taken care of all that and up until the last six months or so, I never saw any reason to question it. Well, yesterday, I needed our account balances for something I was filling out so I asked him for the code. Instead, he pulled it up on his phone and gave me the figures. I told him (casually) that I would need the code soon anyway, so I can help out with managing the accounts -- something I've mentioned before. He didn't reply and moved on. I'm going to start pushing him on that.

Anyway, as for the gifts and treat with kids, I know I want to continue but I'll have to choose my time carefully as far as talking to him. We're visiting his mom this weekend (which means he'll be stressed all week) so I'll need to wait a few days at least.

[GaGrl]

If you are joint on the account, you should be able to get your own online access ID and password -- I know my bank works that way.

[Ozzie101]

Thanks for the tip. If he won't give it to me (and I'm not yet sure he won't), I'll contact the bank.

[Radcliff]

I hear you regarding you agreeing somewhat with his "personal betrayal" statement.  We love our pwBPD, and we want them to be happy.  Their feelings are real, and we want to respect that.  He would feel betrayed.  The problem is that when our pwBPD have expectations that are far outside healthy norms, it can harm us and our other relationships.  We end up validating the invalid.  By validating the invalid, we are enabling them, and preventing them from learning lessons that could help them grow (it's not our job to get them to grow, but we should not bend so much to make them comfortable that we remove logical consequences of their unreasonable actions).  The personal betrayal issue may be a good place to use SET, laying on the "S" and "E" rather generously.

Thanks for the tip. If he won't give it to me (and I'm not yet sure he won't), I'll contact the bank.

Are you joint on the account?  Do you get paper statements in the mail?  It would be a good idea to start looking out for those if you do.  OK to try to coax the access code out of him, but don't get him defensive enough that he might do things to make it more difficult for you to access the account.  If you gain access through the bank, I wouldn't tell him right away.  Get your bearings and take a measure of things, and talk to your DV counselor.

RC

[Ozzie101]

I appreciate that advice. I do see the distinction. It's important to be empathetic and sensitive to their feelings and to try to understand where they're coming from. But it's also important to recognize appropriate boundaries. For instance, when H wants me to get angry and lash out at my parents, it's because he's angry and he wants/needs me to mirror and therefore approve and validate his feelings. However, it is not appropriate for him to dictate how I relate to my parents and it's up to me to respond how I feel is right.

We are joint on the account. We used to get paper statements but haven't in a couple of months. I plan to talk to him about the code again and, if he says no, go to the bank to see about getting access.

[Cat Familiar]

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