how do I handle this request?

[lpheal]

I've posted a number of times in the past, but not recently. Briefly I have a uBPDw and D4. I've been moving toward detaching for some time. I had to hold off dealing with in 2018 as I have a big career change in my near future.

My relationship has almost daily verbal abuse of some kind, toward the end of the holidays there was some physical abuse (spitting, slapping) which had actually been absent for a while.

My wife is still on a rage, and now demands to know each day (in writing) what I plan to do to convince her to be on-board for the career change (which will involve a move to a new state).

She expects a grand on my hands and knees apology for how I've treated her the entirety of our relationship. That isn't going to happen... .ask for forgiveness of someone that's abusive? It's an obvious control tactic.

The request itself is also obviously ridiculous. However, I thought why not use it as an opportunity to continue my own recovery within the relationship? Last night I wrote about the things I felt she had lost in the relationship, which were valid issues from her perspective.

I thought I would throw the question out to the group. Is there an appeasement approach to this request that I could use to actually help me in the process?

Also, has this happened to anyone else? I'm always amazed at how others on this website experience crazy things I think could happen to no one else.

Thanks for reading!

[Cat Familiar]

So she's has upped the verbal abuse recently and there's been a recurrence of physical abuse too. What about the move and your career change do you suppose is particularly upsetting to her?

If you ask her what she needs in order to be supportive of this big change, what do you think she will say?

It's commendable that you are thinking about her feelings and the issues she's concerned with. Have you shared that list with her?

I should add that if you get her talking about her wants, needs and fears that she might not be so insistent about needing a daily report.

[stolencrumbs]

Hey Ipheal,
I don't have any good advice, but my wife has done very similar things. I don't live at home most of the time, and one of the things she often tells me is needed for us to live together is for me to come to her "with my head in my hands" and apologize for all the ways I've hurt her. And I need to do this every day for as long as it takes. She has also said I need to put it in writing. She also wants us to move, and demands that I present her with a plan for how and when that will happen, and the plan (as far as I can tell) is supposed to include what I'm going to do to change the way she feels.

I take responsibility for what I can, apologize for things I have done wrong, and try to validate the hurt that she feels. None of that is enough.

[lpheal]

So she's has upped the verbal abuse recently and there's been a recurrence of physical abuse too. What about the move and your career change do you suppose is particularly upsetting to her?

If you ask her what she needs in order to be supportive of this big change, what do you think she will say?

It's commendable that you are thinking about her feelings and the issues she's concerned with. Have you shared that list with her?

The move would be closer to home, closer to family and past triggering events (and maybe people?) for her. She feels that she was not included in the job search process... .though from my experience I could never get anywhere in those conversations the past six months. The general reply would be "I can't tell you where I would be happy, but I can tell you where I would be unhappy." So I had to find the best job for me.

She needs a grand gesture to show my sincerity. She cites friends of hers who had husbands who cheated on them while dating in college and to win the woman back they made grand public apologies to them (in the school library, for example). She equates my injuries to her as being on that level. She also needs me to "evolve" as a person, become a better human being, treat her like a valuable and cherished person. Things like that. Of course even then it's not that easy. During the conversation if I say something like I will plan to talk with her each day about her feelings about the move, she will say something like "but I never feel better talking to you, so how is that going to help?" or "I hate you and don't like being around you anymore anyway" and so on.

I did share the list with her. She said it was a weak start, and not enough. I needed to be digging myself out of the hole I'm in with 100% effort every day for her to even consider moving. She isn't sure even then it will be enough.

[Cat Familiar]

She's unnerved by revisiting her past circumstances and the people she knew then, maybe? And she blames you for not making her a participant in your job search, though you tried to include her.

Somehow she feels like she is owed big time by you for some past circumstances. Do you want to elaborate on that?

Though you've tried to talk with her about her feelings about the move, it sounds like she's not participating much, similar to the issue about your job search.

If she's not considering moving, and you will have a new job elsewhere, what is she planning on doing?

[lpheal]

And she blames you for not making her a participant in your job search, though you tried to include her.

Somehow she feels like she is owed big time by you for some past circumstances. Do you want to elaborate on that?

The general theme of the attacks are that I have always put the needs of everyone else ahead of her. She should be the highest priority in my life, and she is the last.

The past circumstances are essentially the entirety of our marriage and relationship. It's a running list of ways I have wronged her, which only grows each year. Much of it is filled with distortion. The parts that feel true to me I have acknowledged. I have apologized for past mistakes as well. There is never forgiveness despite the apologies.

The other day she complained about one of the restaurants I almost selected for our first date! She simply does not forgive or forget anything ever.

[Cat Familiar]

When she says that she's the lowest priority in your life and that you always put other's needs ahead of her

1. How do you respond to her?

2. What would you say to us to characterize any possible truthfulness in her statement?

3. How does this make you feel?

[lpheal]

When she says that she's the lowest priority in your life and that you always put other's needs ahead of her

1. How do you respond to her?

2. What would you say to us to characterize any possible truthfulness in her statement?

3. How does this make you feel?

When she says this, I apologize for making her feel like that... .to which she says "you've apologized before, but you never change" or sometimes "an apology isn't enough for what you've done" and things like that.

Recent example: This past Sunday it's time for dinner. We had been busy, so likely going to be a take-out night. I asked her if anything sounded good to her and she didn't answer (sometimes she will say, "do I have to figure out everything?"). She then said D4 wanted to go with me. Then she said she wanted something from a place where D4 couldn't go inside, so forget about it get whatever D4 wants. We got in the car and D4 picked what she wanted. I pulled over and called my wife and told her what D4 decided. She said "forget it, I don't want anything" and hung up.

I should have recognized this as a setup to see how I would respond in putting her wants vs D4. I wish I had stopped to discuss what she was feeling before leaving the house with D4. I admitted as much to her when I got home. She said "if you knew me, you would know place D4 picked is a place I don't like." I'm sure she knew D4 would pick that place, because she almost always does. I did figure out what my wife wanted and went out again to pick it up, to keep the peace. She said the food was going to taste like **** now because I was being forced to get it, and I didn't consider her needs on my own.

I'm not sure these feel like much to me now, other than no-win situations. Once I realize it, I try not to JADE and respond in a way that would be appropriate for a normal relationship. It does bother me less than a few years ago, but clearly enough that I'm writing about it here.

[Cat Familiar]

You are bending over backwards to accommodate her requests and still getting blamed. It sounds like she’s in competition with your daughter and this will be even more difficult as your daughter grows into adolescence. Are you doing any individual therapy? Often it seems that individual therapy is more beneficial in creating strategies to deal with partners who have a personality disorder than seeking marriage counseling.

[lpheal]

It sounds like she’s in competition with your daughter and this will be even more difficult as your daughter grows into adolescence.

You are exactly right. Previously she has tried to split me from family members and friends. This is a new tactic, and is more troubling.

I did some individual counseling back when I did not understand her behaviors. After a few sessions with several different people they said I needed to get out of the relationship. I do understand that. I also took some self improvement classes last year. I learned about love languages, emotional resiliency and a variety of other topics. I realized in some ways we just aren't that compatible. Also, it confirmed how extremely abnormal the situation is. The worst examples people were giving were nothing compared to what I've experienced.

I can't divulge specifics of why I'm sticking around in the short term, but there is a method to my madness.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you've worked hard on educating yourself and that you've got good reasons to stay for the interim. Keep posting here and let us know how we can assist you.

Cat

[AskingWhy]

When she says this, I apologize for making her feel like that... .to which she says "you've apologized before, but you never change" or sometimes "an apology isn't enough for what you've done" and things like that.

Recent example: This past Sunday it's time for dinner. We had been busy, so likely going to be a take-out night. I asked her if anything sounded good to her and she didn't answer (sometimes she will say, "do I have to figure out everything?"). She then said D4 wanted to go with me. Then she said she wanted something from a place where D4 couldn't go inside, so forget about it get whatever D4 wants. We got in the car and D4 picked what she wanted. I pulled over and called my wife and told her what D4 decided. She said "forget it, I don't want anything" and hung up.

I should have recognized this as a setup to see how I would respond in putting her wants vs D4. I wish I had stopped to discuss what she was feeling before leaving the house with D4. I admitted as much to her when I got home. She said "if you knew me, you would know place D4 picked is a place I don't like." I'm sure she knew D4 would pick that place, because she almost always does. I did figure out what my wife wanted and went out again to pick it up, to keep the peace. She said the food was going to taste like **** now because I was being forced to get it, and I didn't consider her needs on my own.

I'm not sure these feel like much to me now, other than no-win situations. Once I realize it, I try not to JADE and respond in a way that would be appropriate for a normal relationship. It does bother me less than a few years ago, but clearly enough that I'm writing about it here.

Oh, my, Ipheal, your W sounds like my H!

He is such a Jekyll and Hyde and does not know himself coming and going.  He is very volatile, as well as verbally abusive.

What are your plans to cope with the flip flopping of your W?  BPDs often, as you note, set us up for failure and put us in double binds.

[Cat Familiar]

Ipheal, short of giving into her requests for daily written pep talks and apologies encompassing the entire duration of your marriage, what have you discovered that can help soothe her concerns about the upcoming job change and move?

And what do you sense she wants with regard to those requests for global apologies?